What if you can only have one?

[mumtominx]

Frequent lurker but this is my first post and the new one child topic has given me somewhere to put it....!

Following an average pregnancy & birth everything went pear shaped and resulted in a hysterectomy. My dd is 2.2 and i am really ok with the fact that she will be an only, i am still here and that is the main thing!

So, what do i do now that everyone around me has there 2nd ds or dd or is pregnant?

I feel rather like i am p*ing on everyones parade when i'm in a group of people (some that would know what happened, some that wouldn't) and they are either pregnant or talking about next babies etc if i then come crashing in with a 'no, cant have any more' type statment, it does tend to end the conversation pretty quickly and i then feel terrible that i have made everyone feel awkward or even worse i get "poor you" type stuff which just makes me feel awful!

I am really not looking for anything constructive, i would just like to hear if this has happened to anyone else and how they have dealt with it?

This has turned out to be a really positive post, and just the sort that those of us who haven't necessarily chosen to be one-child families need sometimes. It's so nice to have the support of each other.
I generally reply with an upbeat 'It took me long enough to get ds,and I wouldn't put myself through all that again'.
I agree with other posts that as long as you can accept your situation then other people can accept it too without feeling awkward.

Yes, I think this thread has been 'one child families' at its best - thoughtful, helpful and supportive.

What's next for discussion?

@ the hairdresser, jules! That's terrible. But a sad reflection that people do still assume that if you've got one, you'll have another soon enough. I don't know that its necessarily incensitive though.

I always thought that after I'd had DD, I probably wouldn't go for No2 because I hated being PG, but as soon as the option was taken away from me, I wanted another one! I sadly lost the ability to conceive naturally, after 2 ectopics.

(I like this topic, this is a lovely thread, it certainly has its place on MN, imho!)

maureen - yes! I found nothing made me want a baby as much as being told I couldn't have one!

Thank you for this thread mumtominx, as I just got myself mightily depressed reading another less positive one in this topic.

I'm in a similar position. I don't know that I can't have another one. It's more that I can't face going through the heartache of ttc, and then the horrors of birth. I don't feel a yearning for another baby at all - I feel complete with DS. But I do feel very bad to be denying DS a sibling out of, as I see it, selfishness. Although there are other circumstances pointing against it as well, such as DH knocking on a bit and financial worries.

Unfortunately I am always quite bothered by what people might think. I feel that people might think I'm not a "natural" or even a "loving" mother if I am choosing not to do it again. I shouldn't care, but I do.

I like fin42's reply and I'm going to use that one next time someone asks me.

Hi mumtominx. How very interesting reading everyone's stories, thanks for the OP and replies.

My situation: I have one DS and know for reasons both of grisly obstetric history and horrors TTC that my DS will be an only.

However, my take (and it is a very personal one) is that the whole TTC nightmare is my story, not my DS's so I never refer to him as "special" or "miracle" or anything else because, from his point of view, he was conceived in the twinkle of an eye (so to speak)

As to other sibs, for him being one is normal and always will be. The question of having sibs "will you give me a brother" is only a stab to my heart because I am sensitive about it. I am sure if I had conceieved easily and had the number of kids I had anticipated having (ie built my own family at home, in bed with DH ) I would have no difficulty batting back such questions with a wry smile and no anxiety. so as best I can I bat back such questions as if I had built my own famiily IYSWIM

Same with the "hairdresser" type of questions. I simply say "our family is complete" no further questions brooked. I do find that the less information you offer, the fewer prying questions you get asked (maybe I just look really stern when I say this ) But I really really don't intend to start discussing or even hinting at my fanjo's failings in public ....

Sorry, this has turned out very long and sounds a bit of a rant which is unintended. I also find the more I "practice" the "my family is complete and we are happy thus" the more it becomes a reality

I have one dd after 8 yrs ttc, IVF etc. We're not able to have another. I do get asked a lot by people who don't already know and I just tell them I can't have any more. I try not to seem sad about it because I know that makes other people uncomfortable. Sometimes I say that I wish we could have had another for dd's sake. But actually, I just wish we could have had another for our sake. I don't feel that our family is complete and I get tired of pretending that it doesn't bother me. I get tired of the implication that because it was so difficult to have dd I don't have the right to really wish for another child the way a normally fertile woman might or to feel disappointed.

Of course it's fantastic that we have dd. But I am really swimming through a tide of second and third babies these days and sometimes my smile muscles want to go on strike.

Acinoynx I do know what you mean. Being infertile or having problems TTC doesn't just go away because you get lucky once!

Being told to be thankful (or feeling you ought to be thankful) for DD doesn't make not having multiple other DCs easier to bear...

many of us here know how you feel! I always try to remind myself that it is ok to feel more than one thing at a time - happy for those having 2/3 other children and sorry for myself!!!

Yes that's right - about both at the same time.

One gets used to being sympathetic to the trials of those with more than one child and the frequent, casual implication that you can't possibly understand their burden, having only one child. It doesn't bother me all that much - depends on the mood, the fullnes of the moon etc.

fin42 I am the same as you I usually say, well he took seven years so I wouldn't hold your breath!' I know what you mean about the smile muscles acinonyx, and there are times that some people have had both barrels. Infertility is grim, whenever it strikes. I would love another child, but as time passes and it becomes less likely it is getting easier, DS is not interested in a sibling he wants a dog!

it is looking increasingly as though ds will be an only child. i haven't used any contraception since 2003, it took 18m to get pg with him and i am just about to be 40 so...

yet i can't quite bring myself to do anything about it - go to doctor, whatever. this ambivalence worries me, what if i leave it too late and i could have done something? does this mean i am really content with one?

i certainly hate it just as much as you all do when people make assumptions or ask about second child. men get it too, dh stares hard at them and says sadly "yes we are trying" and then they feel very bad. as they should really, bloody thoughtless question.

i think i am going to accept that if i never fall pregnant a second time then it just wasn't meant to be. we have an 18mo (he wasn't planned), i didn't even think i'd managed to get pregnant, but fate must have had a plan. we are happy with the situation we are in just now and like many before have said, you just have to count your blessings.

I usually say 'no plans for any more', if they probe further I'll say I can't have any more. It honestly doesn't bother me saying that though, I think some people need to realise how lucky they are to be able to have as many or few children as they want.

Hi mumtominx

For the first time in years I think someone may have experienced what I have, and its rather hit me for 6. My DD was born 5.5 yrs ago and I had major probs which resulted in a hysterectomy when she was 6 weeks old. I am an only child myself, and always wanted more than one so it did hit me hard. I also felt inadequate as a woman and urged my DH to go off and find a real woman. Luckily I have the most wonderful DH in the whole world and he refused and we are happily married.

When DD and I did the toddler circuit, I continually got asked when was number 2 coming and at the start it really hurt me as I couldn't and felt jealous of others who could, so I guess to deal with my anger I took it out on the person who asked and bluntly told them that I couldn't and why. Over time I found this to be hard for me and I also wanted to be a bit more positive as I guesssed DD might hear and get a complex from it so I started saying 'I've got the best child in the world, why would I want another?'

Over time it does get easier to handle, but still comments can hurt and upset me. DD has started asking me if I will have another baby and I feel rather sad when I tell her No. Fortunately she hasn't asked why but if she did I guess I'd say that she was so wonderful I didn't want anymore. Oh yes, when DD is asked if she has brothers or sisters, we have trained her to say 'NO a dog'!!

I still find it hard to see others Pg and guess I always will but I try to focus on all the postives in life rather than the what ifs.

Hope that this help- take care

When anyone asks me I always say I would have loved more children but it wasn't to be and Im very grateful and blessed for my darling boy. Hope that doesn't sound trite but it really helps me to have that attitude of mind.

lump in throat after finding this thread.

I was told I couldn't have any more dcs after a disastrous birth. (Actually I do have two dcs now but that's a different story...)

Anyway, I can clearly remember the pain when people made insensitive remarks about ds being an only child. The pain was really physical.

When ds had his first school photo, the parents had to accompany them. Standing behind us was a woman who had five children. The photographer asked ds where all his brothers and sisters were, as he looked a bit odd up there by himself. Then he "joked" that should we ask the woman behind to lend me a few of hers to fill up the picture. I barely restrained myself from punching him, but just slunk off and cried buckets on the way home.

Oh fircone, that's awful. Some people just crash their way through life with all the sensitivity of a charging rhino. I'm sure it's not deliberate - they just don't stop to think because it wouldn't occur to them that there was anything to think about.

Come and have a hot chocolate and a muffin in the One and Only Tea Room, where everything is cosy and soothing.

I explain a specialist told me we're unlikely to have another but that I'm so content we have DD which is how I feel as I tend not to think beyond that though am so aware of friends all becoming pregnant again!

mumtominx - well done for your first post. Like others here, I tend to make light of things usually.
I think most of us do need to talk about this kind of issue but it's finding the right place, isn't it. My one liner for when I'm feeling really grumpy is "I'd love another baby, but I wouldn't survive another pregnancy". Most people don't realise I'm being serious and just laugh though. It was worth that risk to get DD here, but definitely not a risk to be taken now I have her to think about. Of course she'd like a sibling, but I think she might like her mummy still here and alive too....

At the moment I find that people are mostly too shocked on discovering that I also have a 22 year old as well as my three year old, to even go down the road of 'are you having any more'

Obviously for quite a few years I did get the 'when are you having anymore'. Like others I had many failed pregnancies, and was severly ill when I did have DS1, finally deciding I just couldn't face anymore.. and didnt really feel its something I wanted to discuss with, what were in effect strangers. I did tend to be a bit sharp at times with people and they learnt NOT to pry too much

Have to say it does tend to wear off, usually when they go to secondary school lol