Have a 2nd child when 1st is neurodivergent

[SherbertLemons]

Hi all,

Also posted in the SEN threads but posting here also.

I’m looking for some honest advice from other parents who have a child with ASD.

We have a beautiful daughter who is 3. She is suspected to be autistic – she has a speech delay and is a bit behind her peers developmentally, but she’s bright, aware of the world around her and progressing at her own pace. She currently sees a speech and language therapist and we’re doing all we can to support her. We are considering a private assessment before she starts school as the NHS wait list in our area is still over 2 years.

I’m turning 42 this year and my partner and I are trying to decide whether or not to have a second (and final) child. Because of my age, it really feels like a now-or-never decision.

ASD runs in my partners family but not mine (as far as I’m aware).

We have no family support whatsoever, and one of our biggest concerns is whether we could cope emotionally and practically if our second child is also had autism (perhaps of greater severity than our daughter) or had more complex needs, either physical or mental. We worry about how this might affect the time, attention and support we’re able to give our daughter, who already needs a bit more than average. It would, if I’m being honest, also be hard for us as parenting even without added complications is tiring, especially when you have no support from family.

On the other hand, we wonder if a sibling could be a wonderful addition to our daughter’s life, both now and in the future, and to ours. It makes me so sad to think if we decide not to TTC that we will never meet our second child and know them like we know our lovely daughter. But equally the fear of making the “wrong” decision is weighing heavily on our minds. I would give anything for a crystal ball!!

If you have a child on the spectrum, did you go on to have another? If so, how did you find the experience? Or if you decided to stop at one, do you feel it was the right choice for your family?

We’re really torn and would be so grateful for any perspectives or experiences others are willing to share. I appreciate it can be an emotive topic.

Thank you.

@SENSummer so true.
Holiday camps - forget it
After school care - very difficult
And my oldest is verbal, highly intelligent and not aggressive!
And sends provision in schools is going to get a lot worse before (and if!) it gets better.
These small private schools that nurtured SENDs kids to secondary level at an affordable price? they are all closing, covid + costs of living + VAT killed them of, 2 in our local authority since september. That’s another 500 neurodiverse kids in an already overloaded state system (the big independent schools for neurotypical kids are fine btw)

thats interesting. I have a 12 year old autistic daughter who is very typical of what would never have been called autism in previous generations - anxious, lots of sensory challenges, perfectionist etc. So we have some additional needs but not physically - it’s more lots of reassurance, not a lot of sleeping, extra support with homework, lots of work within a very rigid routine, that sort of thing.

my son is 8 and is neurotypical. Watching him growing up is what actually highlighted some things going on with my daughter that we hadn’t even really thought about as she’s our first. Had no idea that some children just… wear the clothes you hand them. Or can casually try a new restaurant. Or get new trainers without an intense meltdown on the shop floor. I know that sometimes he doesn’t get enough attention as I’m focussed so much on his sister.

a friend of mine has children the same age as me - plus a toddler and is acutely aware that her younger 2 are eventually going to have some level of responsibility for her oldest. He’s more typically autistic - non verbal, can’t be left alone and isn’t able yet to do his own personal care. They are already thinking about the future but they talk a lot about what they can put in place so their other sons aren’t affected. For what it’s worth, their middle child is neurotypical but it’s looking like their toddler will also have some additional needs.

Personally I regret doing so (though obviously I adore my second kid). An issue is if your DH is also autistic potentially? My DH coped with the first kid, but by the second it became too hard for him and things did not go well. Dealing with kids with traits, DH autistic burnout plus the usual Middle aged stuff of ageing parents… it’s been SO hard.

The risk must be stratospheric for ASD given you’ve an ASD kid and your ages are so high.

Definitely go into it with your eyes wide open. At 42 with a family history of ASD personally I wouldn’t. If you have a second with high needs then your life and your daughter’s life would change forever.

It's really tough to decide. I get it. I have a boy (well he's 20 now) with ASD and ADHD. His ASD is on the high functioning side and probably might have gone under the radar were it not for the ADHD which was much more marked. School kept saying he would grow out if his wild ways and calm down and he was my only child and I didn't know better so got fobbed off. I worried about him all the time as something seemed "wrong" but I didn't understand what.

I had another child (girl) when he was 9 and it was only really when she got to toddler-hood i realised how totally different they were. She was a textbook child (bloody naughty mind, but in a neurological way) and he was just ... something else. He got his ASD diagnosis at nearly 14 and ADHD at 15 (went private for that). Medication has transformed his life. But the years before that were very hard for him and for us.

Knowing now the strong hereditary aspect (and I have also now been diagnosed with ADHD and the consultant thought I had traits of asd) I think if I had known before I would probably not have taken the risk of another child who could be more seriously afflicted. Though as it happens she has no neurodiverse traits at all. Very interesting what @SENSummer says about boy-girl being lowest risk because that is our combination.

I had 2 DC and second SC had very severe ADHD. In my immediate family there is a lot of adhd. DH and I decided we wouldn't have another DC as we found it very hard to cope with his behaviour. When our youngest was 8 I got unexpectedly pregnant. I didn't realise until You was almost 15 weeks and then I was hormonal so we decided to keep baby. Baby also went on to reveal he had ADHD. Just as we were coping a bit better with elder DC it because obviously baby ds also had ADHD he even was walking and running at 9 months. The next 5 years were hard. Younger DS was diagnosed at 6 and we accepted medication at 6 for you get D's whereas we refused it for elder ds until he was 13 as we worried about side effects. They are both grown adults now younger DS did a lot better at school because medicated. I feel guilty I refused elder ds medication but when he was offered it less was known about the drug and side effects were not pleasant. I'm so very glad we kept younger DC. In adulthood all 3 of my DC have jobs and work full time. Both DC with ADHD have elected not to have DC of their own as they know the risk of passing it on is high. At 42 already I'd not be having any more DC even if there was no ND in your family but as there is the chances of another DC having it would be higher than normal risk because of age. Also I believe DC tend to get more ND as mothers eggs age.

We have DS1 who is 4 and has been diagnosed with ASD, he has quite high care needs for his age but his speech is really improving which is great. We had DS2 almost 2 years ago and it really has been the most wonderful decision. DS 2 will be 2 years old in June and from what we can tell is neurotypical, speech and development all as expected so I’m sure that does make things easier to some degree.

DS1 completely ignored DS2 for the first 6 months but honestly now they are thick as thieves, they love eachother so much and are the best of friends. It has absolutely been the best decision for our family and I would do it again in a heartbeat. Just yesterday when I was making dinner, DH was playing with them outside and just hearing them running around squealing and playing honestly made my heart feel so full.

It is very hard work at times and we do have a lot of family support as well. Those first few weeks were so tough and I spent a lot of time crying and worrying that we’d done the wrong thing.

I’ve always wanted a big family and would love another but we will stick at 2 because I’m not sure how we would cope if we had another child with ASD, especially if they had much higher needs than DS. At the moment , with 2 we can spread ourselves evenly and make sure they both get loads of quality one on one time.

Also to add we were both between the ages of 24-32 when both children were conceived so youngish really.

Also be very careful when it comes to to development and people’s experience z School isn’t made for neurodivergent children. So things that are fine in the pre-school years can get out of control quickly in primary and secondary school.
Mine were absolutely find until oldest hit year 2. then all hell broke loose.
And now my youngest is overtaking his 4 year older sibling academically, and it is HARD!

I have two adult offspring. Firstborn was incredibly difficult for the first 16 years of their life. Highly intelligent, very strongwilled and oppositional. They were not diagnosed when we had our second child. Second child is ASD and intellectually impaired. Also has a lifelimiting condition .

Do I love them both? Yes. Would I have had the second child if I knew what was going to be facing us? Probably not.

Personally I wouldn’t . You don’t know at the age of 3 how severe your childs needs will be . My Dsis has 3 children and all are likely to be AuADHD or some form of it however my DNephew is 9 and since she had the 3rd child his needs have become extreme . He’s about to start a Sen school but her life has changed drastically as he’s got older but she wasn’t aware of how severe he was til it was too late. You don’t know either how much the autism may affect your child as she gets older . I would stick at one and put all your effort into her .

I am coming at this from the opposite angle. We had DS and unsuccessfully tried for a second baby. After several years of trying we gave up TTC as DH was finding parenting very difficult and wasn't onboard with continuing TTC. DH was subsequently diagnosed with ASD and ADHD after struggling with anxiety and depression since his teenage years. DS is probably neurotypical but may have mild ADHD (or could just be a typical teenage boy) but it doesn't cause any issues atm. Although I was devastated at the time not to have a second, looking back now I am relieved. Life was (and still is) difficult with DH's mental health and I often think I don't know how I would have coped if we'd have another who was ASD/ADHD. Also by the time I was 42 I was far too tired to contemplate having a young child again.

I have a 5 yr old pre verbal son, my daughter is 15. After my son was born and diagnosed with autism we discovered my daughter has adhd. We had my son when I was older, there were also other risk factors such as premature and complicated birth as well as ND on both sides of the family. The thing is we couldn’t have predicted this and if you ask me now would I make a different choice I would have to say no. Our son is special and is so happy and giggly (still having to change nappies is a joy I could do without). Nobody really knows when they have a child, what will happen. Will the child be ok, will they always be healthy, will they do well in school etc. Being a parent is challenging and we never know what might happen but I think we need to be positive and not focus on might happens. If we live in fear we wouldn’t do anything.

Lots of good balanced advice here so far. Also might be worth being aware that the risk of asd increases with paternal age, so you are at increased risk that you were with your last child. Obviously the main factor is that its genetic and youa lreadh ahve one child with asd but i thought it might be useful info. This info was from the recent BBC podcast about the rise in autism.

Hi 👋 may I ask what signs did you notice after 14 months that made you think he was developing typically ? Thanks ☺️

Do you mean what signs that he wasn’t developing typically?

It started around 10 months and just grew if I’m honest. He didn’t point, he didn’t wave, he wanted to be in his jumparoo 24/7 and screamed blue murder if removed. He didn’t play with toys in the way you were supposed to. He would turn them upside down and faff the battery compartments or take stuff apart. He would self settle really well and I’d often go into his room and find him laid awake just staring at the ceiling. He didn’t copy us at all, we could do something over and over and he’d just laugh and watch but never try and do it himself. Tbh it always felt a bit like the lights were on but no one was home (awful to say I know but it’s true). He was a happy boisterous little boy and I kept telling myself it was in my head. He started talking around 12 months and got to around 20 words but as soon as he learnt new ones the old ones were gone. At 14 months he totally regressed and lost all his words. That was the point where we knew he wasn’t developing typically.

The 14 month- 2 years was awful it was like watching a car crash. His peers all met milestones he just didn’t. We didn’t have any answers and nobody listens to you until the 2 year check so we were just trying so hard (with a new born in tow) to develop him and survive. When he became mobile he had no sense of danger, no inbuilt desire to stay near us or follow us, no concept of social norms. He would just run as far and as fast from us as he could. He was always looking to get away. He didn’t engage with games or toys or play unless it was one of the few things that interested him. I would go to playgroup and he’d spend the entire time screaming by the door and trying to run out every time it opened. His attention span was awful, absolutely awful, you couldn’t get him to focus for 5-10 seconds. I remember sitting with DH one night and saying I understood why in some countries they think these children need to be exorcised because honestly it felt like he was possessed sometimes. I don’t even believe in that stuff, we are logical professionals but it’s the only way to describe what went on. I remember a lot of manic laughing in the middle of the night. Hours of him either screaming or just pure manic laughing for no reason. It used the scare the crap out of me.

It just got worse from 2-4 years. The only difference being that the medical team listened to us, he was diagnosed. We got him into a private nursery who (thankfully) gave him a 1:1 but even then he could only manage very limited hours. I started the fight for a fully specialist school around 2.5 and that went on for 2 years. I kept hoping that he would just come out talking one day and ‘switch on’ and things would be ok but honestly it just got harder and worse.

4+ has been better. It’s still tough but around 4.5 he really calmed down a bit. His attention span has improved a bit (still awful but better). Just before his 5th birthday he semi toilet trained (doesn’t have the verbal skills to tell us so has to wear pull ups when no open access to loos) and has got about 10 regular ish words now. He can be a skilled problem solver when it’s in pursuit of his own agenda but is still exceptionally hard work.

Its such a spectrum OP and there is no way of knowing the future.

My brother and his wife decided not to have any children due to him having ADHD and she has autism. Both are high functioning, they both work, drive, own a home and has a fairly good life, but that was their choice.

A cousin had her 2nd child, before child 1 had been diagnosed. He has very high needs- non verbal till 6, tube fed till 8. He is very aggressive to his younger sibling and its escalating as he nears his teens. He will just run into the road, put his hand on a hot plate and has no concept of danger. My cousin is very petite and he has punched her, given her black eyes, bitten her etc. His special school have recommended a group type house for him, because he is getting very strong and dangerous. My cousin and her husband struggle daily.

I wouldn't do it. I have a 7 yo DD with ASD and a 3 year old DD who we believe to be NT. DD1 takes a lot of our time and mental energy to manage, and she has awful meltdowns which we need to shelter DD2 from. DD1 did not cope well at all with DD2's arrival, that seemed to be a trigger for en escalation in her violent behaviour. It has been so so stressful at times, and I've often felt not fair on DD2. I'm also an older mum, and DD2 has been an awful sleeper from day 1 and still doesn't sleep through. It has been so hard having the physical and mental energy for DD1 when my own reserves have been so depleted. My physical and mental health has taken a real hit as well as my marriage.

Refreshing honesty on this thread (one of the best things about Mumsnet!)

I have two children:
DC1 (born when I was 31): boy age 8, diagnosed with autism shortly before his 7th birthday.
DC2 (born when I was 34): girl age 4, neurotypical as far as I can tell but very hard work indeed at the moment.

I had no idea DC1 was autistic when I conceived DC2 - my lightbulb moment wasn't until he was 4 and she was nearly 1. In a way I think it's probably good that we didn't know as we didn't have this kind of dilemma. I always wanted two children and I adore DC2, so I don't regret it, but it is very hard having two. I feel as if I have poured so much mental and emotional energy into learning how best to parent DC1, and have an ongoing battle to ensure his needs are met (getting the assessment and diagnosis, dealing with school, applying for DLA, etc) that sadly I have very little left for DC2. I'm actually finding DC1 easier to manage atm whereas DC2 is really hard work and I'm finding that she needs different parenting - but I'm not getting it quite right and I have nothing left! It's not fair on her, of course, but it's how I feel. Ever since she was born (actually, ever since I was pregnant with her) it's a juggling act to balance their needs - which is of course the case for any parent with more than one child. It is exhausting and I think probably more so because DC1 is neurodivergent.

I'm not sure how beneficial it is for each of them to have a sibling. They fight and wind each other up a lot. I hope in the longer run they'll be glad to have each other. They do have some nice moments!!!

We have a severely disabled son and a younger daughter who is theoretically nt but is on a waiting list for assessment. Even with her lower level of need, she has required huge amounts of support and now in teenaged years needs daily help to deal with her emotions, work through stuff, etc. It is exhausting and at the moment I would quite like to run away and hide somewhere for the next few years.

Are you healthy? I have 2 kids. They suspect the eldest has autism. I suspect the youngest has ADHD. Nothing is confirmed yet. I'm an older mum my first was born when I was 40 and the second at 42. My biggest worry is firstly getting them the right support to achieve their potential and secondly being here and well enough to support them.

This is really a good thread to exchange options on this topic .. do you mind me asking .. does any of you have a family history ? Or was it just random ?

None diagnosed or obvious that I know of, although some traits on both sides.

Thanks may I ask what signs did you notice ?
I hope things get better soon with your darling daughter .. 4 is hard !!

There is obviously no right or wrong answer but I think I would consider it if everything else in my life was good. -your health, your relationship with your partner, housing, friends and family and money. Money shouldn’t matter as much as it does but if you have plenty of money it would make everything much easier.