An only child to two older only child parents

[Strawberriesandpears]

Hello everyone,

May I ask your opinion on the following please:

Do you think two only children having an only child in their late 30s (38 - 39) would be in any way selfish? It's the situation I would find myself in should I be lucky enough to have a child. I only met my partner this year and I am currently 36. He is one year younger than me.

Things that worry me are:

• The child not having extended family (other than 4 grandparents, 2 of whom are quite young (currently in their 50s)).
• The possibility of me or my partner dying young and the child being left alone.
• The child feeling responsible for us in our old ages (should we make it). I am however quite well off with a very good savings pot (well above average for my age) which could contribute towards any care we may need.

Thank you in advance for any thoughts! (And apologies in advance to anyone who has had a child in similar circumstances and may possibly find my thoughts offensive. I fully appreciate that life is anything but perfect, and that you cannot control when you meet your 'person' or how much extended family you have).

I also appreciate that there is always a chance of having more than one child, if for example, I were to have twins! I also, of course, understand that at my age, no children is also a very realistic outcome.

Not at all selfish, actually less selfish as you will give that child everything. Maybe set up an account and save for them. I would also make sure you expose them to lots of other kids their own ag wherever possible and just give them loads of varied experiences. And play with them lots and encourage them to take up hobbies.

@Strawberriesandpears

Just wanted to clarify that I didn’t meant to imply at all by my earlier post that you shouldn’t go ahead and have a child - if anything, given the amount of thought you’re clearly putting into it, you’re exactly the type of person who should be having children. So many people do so with very little rational thought at all.

Another poster posted very wisely on the Victoria Coren thread earlier that there are many family situations that are suboptimal for having children. Older parents/only children are by no means the worst of these. I just think it’s a good thing to go into parenthood with your eyes open to what the potential pitfalls of your own situation might be, and to have to have some plans/ideas for how best to mitigate them.

We just had our school parents’ evening last night, where I raised my concerns about DD’s friendships. But, my goodness, my DD is the least of that teacher’s worries - every day she deals with other kids in the class who are being neglected, whose parents can’t really provide for them, whose parents are stretched in too many directions and have no time left over for them, whose parents have separated, who don’t live with their birth parents… the list goes on.

I do think there are some potential pitfalls for one-child families, especially where there isn’t much extended family either. Totally get what you’re saying about being an introvert - I’d describe myself as a ‘sociable introvert’, in that I have built a good social network but definitely need my own space and down time. DD is a more classic introvert, and if DD’s social life was left up to him… well, she basically wouldn’t have one! You do need to put yourself out there a bit with just the one child, even if it’s not something you’re naturally comfortable with, otherwise the child potentially risks having quite a sterile, cloistered existence.

But otherwise - have another chat with your DP when you both feel comfortable, see what the lay of the land is and go from there. The world needs more parents who are as thoughtful and conscientious as you sound!

Have you told each other you love each other? If so, do the baby talk sooner. Ok, I was living with DH by 4 months, engaged at 6 and married at 18 months so I'm not good at slow and steady, but you don't want to waste another 6 months+ if he says no

I am an only child of 2 only children. I survived with surrogate aunties and uncles - friends of my parents - and a network of my own friends. I had a happy childhood, and although caring for my parents when they were elderly was tricky it was also a privilege. However I had dh to support me by then, as no doubt your dc would . . .

I have an only child as I couldn't have anymore. I had dc via ivf at 27. I come from a big family (5 subs), dh 1 of 2. Honestly I would be really worried about 1 dc with no cousins or aunts/ uncles. My dc is very close to a similar age cousin who they spend a lot of time with so it's a godsend.

I think all this overthinking isn't helping. Everyone and every family makes the best of what they have. Some children have siblings that they love, some have one parent, some hate their siblings. Some live with grandparents. Being born into a loving relationship with two involved parents in their thirties, and involved and loving grandparents, is far from the cursed life you're making it out to be.

I think you’re overthinking this too. I say if you want to have a child then have a child, and if you are worried about them being an only child then plan on having more than one. I agree their life isn’t likely to be the tragedy you seem to think it is! And they could well end up with a partner with a huge family, who knows. Or loads of brilliant close friends.

You're also not as old as you seem to think you are re: having kids, but of course there are no guarantees, and you should try to make it happen sooner rather than later at this age especially if you might want more than one. I understand you also have to feel secure enough in the relationship to go ahead with having kids together it’s a massive deal, but I think you could have the chat fairly soon and see if you’re on the same page.

I have an only child which totally wasn’t the plan (got divorced due to domestic abuse). I also had a sibling that unexpectedly collapsed and died in their 30s completely out of the blue. Also not the plan! There are really just no guarantees in life and everyone has pros and cons to deal with within their family structure, we all do the best we can with what we’re given. Don’t overthink it, if you’d like a family then you should have one.

I echo those saying you can make your own family.
I have a brother and a sister - they've met my DS only a handful of times and he's nearly 10!

He considers our friends and their children to be family.

@SarahLKelp That is very true, and what I was trying to get at in my response to the OP above. However, you only need to look at a few of the responses in this discussion (and pretty much every only child thread ever to appear on MN) to see that many people do struggle with the lack of a wider support network. ‘No man is an island’, as the saying goes (or ‘It takes a village’ - take your pick!) and in the absence of extended family I think it’s useful to think about how you’re going to construct that ‘village’ for your child.

I wonder if a lot of adult only children do slightly romanticise what it means to have a sibling as well. I have an older brother, fairly close in age. He is lovely but very different from me. We live at opposite ends of the country (work) and both lived in diff we ent countries for a few years when we were younger. We have a pleasant relationship but my day to day connections are not with him and his partner, they're with my own partner and our friends.

I know some siblings are very close but most of my friendship circle have similar unremarkable relationships with theirs.

Thank you so much everyone for all the latest replies. I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts.

My partner and I are very much in love (and have told each other so). I know it is early days, but we do feel that we are each others soulmate (sorry if that sounds a little soppy!). My dream is that we can become a little family and I am leaning now towards trying to make that happen (assuming that my partner is on board - if he isn't, I will accept that, as I do not want to lose someone who is such a perfect match).

We will have been together for 1 year in early 2024. We do not currently live together, but are looking to buy a property next year. I think perhaps the 18 month mark (so around summer time of next year) could be a good time to ttc (if we are both on board of course following a good long discussion about the pros and cons of our situation). I would be 37 and a half then. It would be fast, and certainly the biggest risk I have ever taken in my life, but I am as sure as I can be that it would be 'right'. I don't know if this sounds selfish, but my 30s have not been happy up until this point, and I feel like a lot of time was stolen from me by the pandemic. It would be a dream if I could enter my late 30s / early 40s having finally fulfilled my dream of a partner and family.

The child not having extended family bit actually resonates with me. As they'll have no aunts/uncles/cousins & then possibly no siblings.

You may have just convinced me to go for a 2nd 🫣

Having said that I don't think it's selfish of you to have a baby. It's just a circumstance. You'll have to make efforts to be very social etc make sure they've people around them! Is there a reason you can't have a 2nd? Just age? Im 37.5 myself so I know time is ticking the whole time 🙄

I'm not an only child and I have quite a few cousins. Even so, my genuine support network is built almost entirely of very good friends. My DD is an only child and her cousins are 20 years older. I feel ok about about her being 'alone' family wise as she is seeing me surrounded by friends who offer much more than my siblings have over the years and I expect she'll invest in friendships too.

@spttc Good luck with trying for a second.

There would be no reason for me not to have a second, I guess, other than worrying that it might not happen because I would probably be early 40s by then. I may suffer from secondary infertility etc.

May I ask when you had your first, please? Something else I worry massively about is the possibility of disabilities / additional needs, because I think that would be even harder to cope with without a good support network.

@INeedNewShoes Thank you for that perspective. As an only child, I do feel extremely alone and vulnerable without family, but unlike you, my parents don't have a big network of friends and have never really encouraged me to have one either. I think it is something they maybe should have thought more about to be honest.

It's not too late for you to build a good support network @Strawberriesandpears . It only took me 3–4 years to have a long list of very good friends who I'd contact without hesitation in an emergency or whatever, and who we spend very enjoyable times with.

The other thing to bear in mind is that when your DC starts school, you will meet other parents. I'm not into having tons of 'mum friends' but I've found one particular family who we are now spending a lot of time with and it feels like a little 'extended family' when we do get together.

I really think you're worrying about nothing. It's only on here I see all this stuff about only children being terribly lonely, no-one has ever mentioned it in real life. And in my world most women have their babies in their late 30s/early 40s.

For context, I'm an only child who had their first and only baby at 37 (by choice). My partner has a brother but he lives at the other end of the country, I think we've seen him three times since our child was born. He doesn't have kids. I have two cousins, one lives abroad, not close to them at all. My partner's cousins live abroad too.

I'm absolutely fine. I've been with my partner nearly 20 years, which I appreciate is fortunate but I could just as easily have been single and fine, or had multiple relationships and been fine. I've never felt alone or vulnerable - I have parents, I have lots of friends, I make friends easily even though I am introverted (sociable introvert is a good description, pp!), and we have lots of friends with similar aged children who we see regularly. I didn't grow up with a big family (parents aren't especially close to their siblings and don't have many friends) so am used to small family gatherings and not having family to rely on. I think people who grew up with aunties and cousins around all the time struggle to understand that it's perfectly normal and fine to not have that, I don't know what it's like and frankly it sounds exhausting and noisy.

I would suggest that as you don't really know your partner very well, you start having some very serious chats about how you want your lives to look, right now. You don't even seem to know if he wants kids, which seems to me a fairly vital question. Also consider whether you'd be ok to have a kid alone, if things don't work out. But assuming he's on board, there's no reason not to have a baby, and another if you want. (You don't have to, babies are damn hard work...)

@SnapdragonToadflax Thank you very much, that's all very wise advice.

Re a conversation with my partner - you are also right. When we first met he said he wasn't sure about children but that that may change if he settled with someone (which I think he will with me - we are a very good match and he recently described me as having found his 'soulmate'). I feel the same about him.

@Strawberriesandpears I got pregnant with my first the month I turned 35.

I turned 35 in the April and I was pregnant in the may. I got pregnant quickly .... 2nd cycle. Luckily!

She's going to be 2 at the end of January.

So I'm 37 now....38 in April. I feel big pressure to make a decision as it's not easy having a toddler. I can't imagine how hard it will be with 2 🤣😭 but like yourself I feel that ticking clock.

Can I just say this is the most considerate message I have ever read. I am an only child to divorced parents both in their 70s. I’m very close with my dad who lives abroad with my lovely stepmom but unfortunately ny mother had custody of me and was an alcoholic growing up until about three years ago (I’m 35 now) I’ve worked on forgiveness for her but it’s still hard and as a result I really do wish I had a sibling to help me as I know when she starts needing support more I will grow more resentful (she never was there for me and put me through some trauma). She has no money I’ve had to financially support her in life many times I imagine this will be the future too. So in response to you, I would say absolutely no it’s not selfish to have a child and an only child however I would put everything you have in making sure that relationship is the best it can be, and make sure you are financially able to support yourself should you need it in the future! Then it absolutely is not selfish ! Hope that help x

Every decision to have a child is selfish, I can’t really think of a selfless reason to try to get pregnant with your own child. That being said, being selfish isn’t always a bad thing. We are going to stay a one child family, and whilst two is still the norm one is much more common these days. I wouldn’t overthink it- if your partner agrees to TTC, and if you are able to have a baby, then at that point start thinking about ensuring your child is well socialised and has a good support network. Having young grandparents will be great and making friends with other kids (through baby groups etc if you don’t have any yet) will be really helpful. I’m an introvert too but find it easier making the effort when it’s for DD.

Also you never know, you might have twins!

It seems to me you might regret deciding not to try for this reason alone.

Didn't you do this recently?