Fear of losing an only child

[Jmommy]

I’m currently a mum for one child and while we will likely try for a second, I’m not 100% sure about it. I recently had a surprise bfp and then a miscarriage. While I thought I was pregnant I had all kinds of worries about having a second one, despite being happy about my bfp (after longish ttc for #1). Since I miscarried I do feel a bit like I have a chance to reconsider.

I have found life with my DS happy but also tiring. I’m strongly an introvert and (would) enjoy quiet time alone doing nothing particular. Good night sleep has been also important to me, and I find it hard not to get that. I also have some plans to retrain myself to a new profession. And all kinds of other reasons why life with one would simply be much easier. Like I don’t drive a car, and getting places with one child is still relatively easy on public transport, but with two?

Nevertheless, I still feel like at the end having a sibling would probably be worth all the trouble and a lovely thing. But what I really wanted to write about is that I have also fears of what if something horrible happens and we lose our only. Of course the other child would never be a “backup”, and I realize now that should I lose my lovely DS, existence of another child would not make it any less horrible. But still. This really is a factor for me when considering #2.

Have others been pondering about this? Or have you managed to get rid of such thoughts as irrational?

I have the same fear, and yes, I do realise that no one could ever replace DD. I also worry that DD will be lonely without a sibling.

I’d always hoped to have two DC, but in some ways, I don’t want any more. Another pregnancy might be risky for me due to health issues, and I found the baby stage very tough. Also, from a practical and financial perspective it would make sense for me to stop at one.

And yet, I have a strong instinct to have one more before it’s too late. It niggles away at me, this feeling that I’ve left something really important unfinished and time is running out.

I am so sorry for those of you who have lost children. Sadly, there are far more of you on MN than I used to imagine.

Robs20, I agree that of course you will always be a mum, even if your child isn’t here any more.

The fact that no one talks about or wants to talk about child death has made the whole process even more painful.

I think that as a society, we should be ashamed of this. When one of my relatives lost her young child due to a heart defect, my grandma was her rock. She came from an era where child death was far more common (one of her own siblings died of measles), and she understood.

If a child died as an only child it would be the parents grieving which is awful in itself but if there were any other children in the family they too would suffer the emotional trauma. For me, if I had a crystal ball and knew my child would pass away before their time I would not have another as I wouldn't want to spread the pain.