How do parents come to terms with only having one child

[magpiecounter]

Just some background. My husband and I have one son four years old. He is my absolute dream. I adore him and he's my best little friend. He's incredibly beautiful, clever, funny and kind. Just perfect. He was easily conceived and was a perfect pregnancy/birth/development. We had absolutely no concerns about having another.

We have been ttc another for four years (my cycle returned six weeks postpartum so we started ttc again quickly). Nothing at all has happened. No MC/CP/not a hint. We saw a dr who said I was the problem and he sent me for surgery, tests, made me overhaul my diet and life style (I'm not unhealthy or overweight but I did drink tea and coffee and liked the odd afternoon tea and cake). So three years passed and still nothing. Fertility medication, acupuncture, destress techniques; nothing worked. Sought a second opinion who did basic tests and revealed my husband is infertile. Our only choice was IVF with ICSI which needed to be done privately as we have a child already. That was fair enough so we spent our savings and borrowed money for our ICSI.

We did the ivf and ICSI last month and it has failed we think. My tests keep coming back with a hint of a line and nothing darker (today it was gone). The clinic suspect a chemical pregnancy and have suggested we try again soon for the best chance of success. So we are looking at options.

Part of me thinks we should appreciate what we have in our beautiful boy. I do appreciate him and love him. He wants a baby too and says he knows we will have one just like his friends mummy. However he's 4 and life is easy at four. I grew up the eldest of five and loved it so have no experience of being an only child as my brother was born when I was still little.

How do people ok themselves with just one child? Does their child not get lonely? I guess I just need to see the advantages and positives and be told to grow up and stop crying over something I never had when I have my darling child already.

Thank you xx

@TottieandMarchpane my DH does t like other people's children and so doesn't like them coming over. He'd rather we went to the softplay and met people or he just played with his cousins for a couple of hours every few weeks. Actually we don't really have ANYONE round to our house. Not even adults except occasionally our parents but that's a brief visit only.

That doesn’t sound very healthy. How do you feel about it?

Hi Magpie, I had 4 miscarriages at 21 weeks, 20 wks, 19 wks and 10 wks. I discovered after my 2nd miscarriage I had an incompetent cervix. After my 3rd miscarriage I had surgery and thought this pregnancy would go to term, it didn't. We thought that was it, we would not be able to have any children and would have to accept that. When I saw my consultant after 6 weeks I was offered another OP which at that time was experimental. We decided to go ahead and we had a beautiful baby girl @ 35 weeks. A little on the small side but perfectly healthy. Having another pregnancy was not an option. We were over the moon and so happy. When she got to about 4 or 5 she started asking for a baby brother or sister. I just explained gently Mummy could not have another one . She is 23 now. We would both have loved another child but are so grateful to have one at all. We are all very close. We have always tried not to spoil her. We got to spend a lot more time with her than if we had more. Growing up she would have liked a sibling, but we invited friends over after school, they did arts and crafts, baking etc and seemed to enjoy it. She admitted to me recently although she wanted a sibling when she was younger, as she grew up she realised she never had to compete with anyone for our attention. We probably made a point of taking her out for the day at the weekends and tried to do lots of things with her. TBH we managed to do more than we would have been able to afford if there had been more of us. It was sad doing things once but we are so grateful to experience bringing up a tiny human. It is hard but you need to concentrate on the son you have. I also think you need to speak to your husband and see if you can change his mind about having friends over. I really think it is good for children to socialise outside school.

@TottieandMarchpane I guess I'm used to it. If I want to see friends I have to arrange it when he's in holiday or I go to their house. I used to go out all the time before we got together too but since having a baby I haven't been out once except when there's been parents evening at school! I think having a family changes things. Although he told us last night that his life was better before we came along so I think he's feeling the stress of this ttc business.

He sounds like a real charmer, what a thing to say about your wife and child - even if you think it inside!

magpiecounter what your 'D'H said to you was emotional abuse.

I wouldn’t be TTC again in this marriage OP. He is very controlling and emotionally abusive.

And re coming to terms with only having one. I had an emotionally abusive (now-ex) H too, and when we broke up it took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that DD would be an only. She cried and begged for siblings for years, but now is really happy being an only. I love that I can organise playdates for her but then when they get tired and grumpy with each other it's time for the plus one to go home, and DD and I have quality time together. I don't have to compromise her needs with another child's. It's not the family I planned on, but it's still great.

That’s terrible. Sounds like your DH could be the source of some stress. Arse.

He's just really stressed with the whole IVF business because it's emotionally and financially draining. We have reached them end of our savings now as well as having to take out a loan. Four frozen embryos though means we have some options and can have hope in them.

The problem is he doesn't deal with failure well and the clinic have sent our review notes to us outlining our issues. Our original consultant caused a great number of problems and we have put a complaint into his clinic in the hope of getting some of the unnecessary cost back from him. The cause of our infertility lies solely at the foot of my DH and he's lashing out because he's hurt by it. Unfortunately we are the only ones around and he's unwilling to communicate. Instead he gets sully and acts like a spoilt brat. It comes from being an only one on his side and that's a worry for me.

Following with interest. We also have a four year old DS, and have been trying for 2.5 years for a second. After all the investigations, it turns out I'm in premature ovarian failure so basically IVF with egg donation is our only option. I don't think we're going to go down that route but it's really hard at the moment to see other people with two or more children.

I have an only, have been through the turmoil of should we/shouldn't we have another.

It's very hard to come to terms with but ultimately I love our life the way it is, I'm 38 and had a shit pregnancy, labour and bad PND.

So whilst it's different to your situation because we've actively chosen not to, I can honestly say that I love having an only child. Life is fab, I think it's important to focus on what's great in your life, easier said than done, but having an only has MANY positives imo.

The one thing I would have a huge problem with is your husband not allowing friends over to play. That's not on and not fair on your son. If he's going to be an only then he needs plenty of opportunity for that kind of thing.

Hi, I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been going through. A few things I wanted to say.
I’m an only child and very happy. Successful, have lots and lots of friends and was not lonely.
I have a son after a number of early miscarriages and think he may be the only one.
I have mixed feelings about it, but I see so many positives to having one and just to mention on both sides of my family the signings really never got along. In fact, made both my mums life and dads very difficult.
Also the next sibling can be a total rotter. I know all children are lovely, but sometimes the second can be really tough and change a family dynamic so much. That could be very hard on all of you. Particularly if your husband isn’t coping well right now with guests over etc.

When my husband and I were having to deal with miscarriages he was pretty awful but he is a good man. He felt very threatened and angry too when tests showed there were issues with his sperm. It’s hard for them and their egos. And we also considered IVF which he had big issues with. Never could quite understand why, but he’s the type who hates even going to a GP!!
I’m sure you will get through this.
Have you considered speaking to a good Counsellor? Sounds like you might need some independent support away from family and friends with tons of kids. Even some at Johns wort might help to lift your mood with what you’re going through. It’s helps with mild depression apparently without all the side effects of the pharma antidepressant.

Lastly, if you’re still thinking about ivf and you’re in or accessible to London, have heard multiple good reports about the ARGC. Think they have some of if not the highest success rates in the uK. I have a few friends successful there and nowhere else. Heavy duty protocol but they really know what they’re doing. We would have gone there.

Sending love and hugs and really hope you find some resolution and peace about this. We are so lucky to have one special little person. X

This is an old thread so hopefully by now OP you have either managed tonget pregnant or comes to terms with the fact you only have one. I only really accepted it when l reached an age l knew l wouldn't have wanted more which for me was 40. Just kept feeling up to that she it was doable and the age gap wouldn't have been too bad . DD is one of many only children out of her friends so we usually take one of them on holiday with us and she will go with them. Not my ideal world but works really nicely and she honestly doesn't question it