When your friends tell you that your life is easy with 'JUST' one

[millymoomum]

All of my friends and family have two or three children and they are all at pains to point out how 'easy' I have it with one. I suffered from depression before I had my son and had a difficult relationship with my own mother, it took 7 years for my husband to convince me I would be a good Mum. I had post-natal depression and really struggled to feel 'good enough' as a Mum, as an army wife we had little family support, our marriage was tested to its limits and when I told my mother how I felt like 'ending myself' she told me I was wicked and she should be calling social services (despite her knowing what it is like to be unsupported with post natal depression). Don't worry I am not in any danger now, my depression is well managed and I realise what a heartless shit my mother was. We have made the decision that we are complete with 'only' one child as people so kindly put it. Friends and family have told us we are being cruel and selfish and that only children are spoilt, we rise above it in the knowledge that it would not be fair to risk our boy witnessing me having post natal depression, I lived in a home with a depressed and in some respects abusive parent and could not risk putting my child through it. What I find difficult is when friends tell me that it's OK for me as I only have one child to worry about or how they have it so much harder. Why is it socially acceptable for them to say this despite knowing my reasons, but I wouldn't dream of telling them that they chose to have more than one child so they shouldn't moan about it. They make it feel like I am not part of the club because I have only done it once, like I am less of a mother. Sometimes I think it is jealousy that now my child is of school age my life is less complicated and sometimes I feel that they think I am not a good enough mother or just plain selfish. It feels like a stab in the heart when people say it and there is so much emotion behind our decision that I want to scream at them, I know it is a throw away comment for them but it is so painful for me. Does anyone else have this problem and how do they deal with it?

Oh God this is one of the worse another one I used to hate was the assigning of random personality traits to children because they were oldest/middle/youngest by parents who had sat 3 kids as if it was completely impossible to independently have personality traits not related to both order

There are of course some easier elements to having one child to pretend otherwise is a bit silly - but I would say ime that it's often looked easy to have 2 siblings of the same sex of roughly the same age as effectively they entertain themselves on their own whereas their is always the additional responsibility /worry as the parent of an only as to how to play/occupy/socialise them especially if you don't have a lot of cousins on tap

*birth order not both order !

I have 1 DD(6). I have 2 step-children. I find it much easier to have the three kids together than 1. When they're together they play with each other. When it's just my DD, she constantly wants me to play with her, all the time, constantly...will not amuse herself.

As for only children being spoilt, selfish etc, her teacher last year told me my dd was very sociable in school and the most willing to help other kids in class and first to share the toys in class at playtime.

JessiCake
They're 2, 3 and 4 years older than DD and I get the proper experience of being a mum of more than one in the sense that they keep each other occupied for HOURS and I actually get things done in my day - a total revelation.

I run the risk of sounding picky, but having a few additional children round to play doesn't really give a true reflection of what it's like to be a mum of more than one. That's like saying I took my friend's dog for a walk and that gave me the experience of being a dog owner, or if you're a SAHM, I went to work for the afternoon, and that gave me the experience of what it's like to work FT.

No, you're right Arsenals, I get that comparison you've just made actually.

It's more just that it's SUCH a relief for me not to be DD's sole companion. I get that in reality if I had more than one, I might well spend huge chunks of time refereeing, or even that I still might be the one required to come in and play the Disney villain or help them with Lego or whatever. And obviously with more kids in my household I would have MORE laundry to sort, forms to fill in etc etc...

I do see your point totally.

But still, it can feel such a weight off my shoulders to know that DD is having the time of her life with someone that isn't just me me me me me all the time...

People are arseholes OP. They like to validate their own decisions by putting down the different decisions of others - especially if they're unsure about their own choices. I have an only DD through choice - she's fabulous and cherished. A neighbour has 2 DC and told me she wishes she'd stopped at 1 because they were so much happier. We all make our own decisions and have to live with them. Tell people to stroll on.

You have nothing to feel guilty about Milly. I'm in a similar position as you, suffered terrible ante and post natal anxiety with my only child and have a history of depression. Would feel much guiltier if my lovely DS had to witness the absolute wreck of a person that I became due to this shitty illness. I think parenting a single child is great now, but I'm aware that we will have to make considerable efforts to support him having a social life now and in the future, so I wouldn't say it is easier. He occasionally asks about us having a baby in the house, but has been easily convinced that a dog will make quite an acceptable sibling later this year!