Undecided on kids. None or one?

[alittlebitmanic]

I am really stressing myself out over this at the moment, and I just can't decide whether to not have any children, or whether to try for just the one. I wanted to post on here for some advice or if anyone might have any insight that would be helpful to make my decision.

For the longest time, I wasn't sure I ever wanted children. My boyfriend and I love to travel, a lot, to far away places, go diving, generally live a carefree lifestyle, and we can be quite lazy to be honest sometimes. The rest of the time I am racing around with my type A personality, trying to plan everything and do it all at once.

I am 29, he is 30 and we have been together over 10 years. We've spoken about it and he is in the same place as I am, totally undecided and can see pros/cons to both sides. One thing he is very worried about, and this has started to worry me too, is the possibility of having a disabled child.

We both plan to keep working and he travels a lot for work, and I suffer from thyroid/hormone imbalance and adrenal fatigue which I am working to get under control or get rid of. I know it is a LOT of work raising children and I just don't know if we could handle a disabled child. My boyfriend has twins in his family with severe cerebral palsy and I just don't know if we could do it.

More than one child for me is going to be too much, but I am thinking of having just one child as this might be a great balance. Still a bit of freedom/time to ourselves, more money to focus on that child and the possibility to still travel with the child. We will have both sets of parents close by to help out too.

I'm just wondering if having the one child is that big a lifestyle change? Obviously, I know it's a huge change, but once your child is a little bit older, do you still get time for yourselves? I love the idea of being a parent in some ways, sharing hobbies, doing arts and crafts, having the family all together at Christmas etc, but I just can't decide what's right for us. How do you come to a decision on something so huge?

Some of the positives I can think of: Raising your own person and educating them etc, giving our parents the chance to be grandparents, having the experience of being a parent - might regret it if we don't, gives our life more meaning and purpose, sharing hobbies and doing fun activities together, being a family unit and hanging out with friends/family that also have kids

The main negatives: a will lose a lot of sleep which I need a quite a bit of right now, less time/freedom to do adult things, restricted with travelling, juggling work and parenting, I will probably be tired all the time in the beginning, teenage years, risk of not having a healthy baby, less money. (the only major ones here would be travel and the baby not being healthy)

I am going around in circles and stressing myself out here. Can anyone offer any insight or how I might be able to make a decision? There are several reasons I don't want to be too old a mum, so my cut off is age 32 - which doesn't give me very long to make a very monumental life decision!

How do I make it?

I think that having children makes no logical sense - choosing to give up your free time, to make yourself poorer etc etc so you have to really want them to make up for all that. But, not being sure is trickier because you will only find out for sure after you have had them! It's a gamble really!

Regarding the worries about having a child with disabilities - I think there are many people who feel like this and who choose to terminate if they find out in advance but again, you can't really account for that.

Finally, I think there are lots of advantages for being a single child and certainly just as many advantages as disadvantages.

Hi op, me and my dh have an only who's coming up to three years old so I wanted to reply. Our dd made a huge difference to our lives from the moment she was born, there was a definite baby bomb! I'm still permanently knackered as she's not a great sleeper. I was 31 and was one of the youngest in my nhs group so I would give yourself more time to consider your decision. Take into account the possible effect having a child may have on your career, health and pension. Also childcare fees are extortionate, because of that we haven't been able to go on holiday for two years. Despite all those things chosing to have a child has been the best decision that I have ever made. I love her with every fibre of my body and can't imagine life without her. My dh does miss our previous life more than I do however and wasn't particularly broody. He's a wonderful dad though and they love each other to bits. She's completed us but we are both completely sure that we won't be having another.

I dont think there is anyone out there who would wish to have a disabled child. There are new, non invasive tests you can take early on in the pregnancy if that's something you think might give you confidence

Regarding the worries about having a child with disabilities - I think there are many people who feel like this and who choose to terminate if they find out in advance

Can I just point out the bleedin' obvious which is that there are many, many disabilities which cannot be detected before birth. I had all the tests you can think of and still have a DD with a disability. Hers is mild but still means there is no chance she will ever just "fit in" to our lives.

Thanks all. My boyfriend bought up tonight that he thinks he does want one. We will just have to get the travel out of our system and really be sure before we take that next step. He couldn't believe it when I told him the cost of nurseries, so he has a lot of researching to do!

I will have plenty of chances to be around babies over the next year or two which should really help us to make a decision, I hope. Hobbies can go on the back burner if need be, and we'll put some money away ahead for a week or so in Greece for the first year or two! That should be manageable with a little one, no long flight required!

Hi OP. I just wanted to say I am a massive over thinker just like you, I was in a similar situation to you, the same age and just couldn't decide. In the end we took the leap, and it does completel change your life, there is no denying it.

Cons that I didn't think or plan for. C section, inability to establish breastfeeding (so felt like a failure) and then PND, also my mum died whilst I was on maternity. I'm just saying this as you can't guarantee grandparents will be around or in good health by the time you have a child. And I'm not a psychologist, but I think over thinkers like us don't do ourselves any favours and think that's why I got PND. So I spent the first year of DS's life thinking what have I done? Why did I do this?

But...... It was the best decision of our lives, I love every millimetre of him and he completes us, gives our life meaning, we travel loads with him in the UK, and he has been to 5 different countries and he isn't 4 yet. You can absolutely travel with a little one, we love it.

I remember being on my honeymoon and watching this couple with their little boy (about 3 years old) they had just the one child and their lives just looked so calm, and balanced and peaceful, one would play with him and the other relaxed read their book, one would go to get ice creams whilst the other snuggled with him on the sun lounger etc etc. It clicked and I thought I want that.

Maybe you will just join our "One and done" club.