is it selfish to choose an easy life

[lighthouse17]

hi it's me again posting as I have been thinking on the weekend about this sooo much why I want another baby and I can't find a reason... my husband won't even consider another one but I just can't stop thinking about it. My husband is saying that he can't go through another 2 years of sleep deprivation, sickness, etc.. and he wants have an easy life. We have no family to help. I work full-time so as my husband, very demanding careers and we choose to have luxuries as well. I also can't be a stay at home mum as this will drive me mad. do you think it's selfish to choose an easier life, obviously life with 2 kids would be busier and another 2 years of hard work. my husband does not want to re-live it. but if he agreed to it, I would do it, but I also suffer with body issues, and anxiety so I am thinking should I just go with him and accept this or keep pushing it until he agrees (this might be never) but I just feel like I need to make a decision and move on, does anyone feel this way? What if another child make our life really stressful?
I feel like having an only is the easy way out (please don't judge) as you can still work and have a comfortable life but with 2 children I am not sure???

my close friend is saying that don't make a decision and just wait another year. I am 37 so I don't want to wait too long and also I just can't not make a decision. it's driving me mad...

Hi lighthouse17. I'm actually in the exact opposite situation to you - my husband really wants another child but I'm really not keen on the idea right now and am not sure I ever will be.
My little girl didn't sleep more than 40 minutes at a time until she was 18 months old and even now, still wakes up regularly in the night with night terrors.
But she's now four, is independent to the point she can dress herself and pour her own cereal (supervised!) and will happily play in her room without demanding my attention 24-7.
I adore her with all my heart but I would be lying if I said I didn't love feeling like I've got some of my old life back - something I never felt I would.
Deep down I feel selfish for feeling this way, as I know littlun would love a sibling and keeps asking for one, but I can relate to how your husband feels. I work 40-hours a week and so does he and remembering how I spent most of the first year of our little girl's life crying and feeling like the biggest failure as a mother I could be because I couldn't get her to sleep no matter what I tried leaves me genuinely terrified about going through it all again.
I don't have answer for you as my husband and I still haven't found our own answer to it but I will say it is something you need to talk about as honestly and openly as possible with each other, because it will be very tough on whoever makes the compromise in the end. x

I think it has to be a joint decision you need to think carefully how much you do want another child and what the reality of that will mean

I too hated the first 2 years - and I think your husband is entitled to say this - I only wish more people were as honest rather than pretending it's all wonderful - we also had no family support and god it was relentless slog with what felt like little reward at times. Unless you have been in the situation of having no family support its very hard to appreciate the enormous extra pressure on you as an individual parent. So as someone who had been in that position I give you my empathy

In the end we have gone for another pregnancy albeit with a larger age gap (5 years) I am dreading the first 2 years again but we have made the decision and we will just tough it out

Either decision is fine - only children have fabulous lives and enable lots of other activities that having a number of children cannot - but my main point would be think carefully about it before proceeding either way

OP you sound exactly like me. I am nearly 40 ds is 3.5.. Dh not keen on another but will if I want. No family locally. Have found it really tough but now starting to get easier and I am getting my life back, enjoying work can probably progress quite quickly if I don't disappear to have another child, would be much easier financially to stay with one and also i am an only child and had a fantastic childhood BUT I worry ds will be lonely ( although I wasn't) and whilst I don't feel broody I don't know if I am ready to accept just having one. Currently spending all my time thinking about it and also putting life decisions on hold. Have been offered opportunity of new job but don't want to take it if going to have another. I appreciate the decision may already have been made for me as lots of my friends are struggling to conceive second children in their 40s but I need to decide whether to go for it or forget it so can move on x

Hi all I know this is a very old post but I came across it and read all of the comments. It nearly brought tears to my eyes as how quickly the time has gone :(
Long story short we tried for another and I was 39 and I had 2 miscarriages in the space of 15 months. My husband doesn’t want to try anymore after this experience and I have to say I am back to where I was 4 years ago. He really wanted to try and we did but didn’t happen. I would have loved to keep going but he is not. I am currently on the waiting list for counselling to work through my issues as I can’t seem to get over my miscarriages and how things turned out. I never ever thought I would have a miscarriage but you never know...
I am just over 40 now and to be honest I don’t see how we would ever have another child now. We signed my daughter to a lovely private school so we can give her our best. But how do I ever move on from the broodiness???
how is everyone else is doing?

Ah lighthouse I'm so sorry to read of your two miscarriages

I wasn't part of the original thread, but was just browsing in the one child family thread and stumbled across it.

I'm sorry I can't offer any advice or words of wisdom, but I hope you get through it.

Thank you. It’s really hard to recover from
Miscarriages especially when you can’t try anymore. I hope my husband changes his mind but even if he did the chances are against me. I really need counselling where I can talk about it and maybe just maybe one day I feel content about not having a second. But seriously nothing helps especially when people say oh but do you really want another baby , you forget how hard work it is blah blah I know all of that but in the end you end with the most beautiful child forever. Nothing ever compares it no amount of money or luxurious. My daughter is 5 now and yes it’s still hard work at times but mostly it’s amazing watching her grow and be able to have conversations, the funny things she says everything about it is amazing. I pray everyday that I get blessed with another and that would complete my family.

Hi lighthouse sorry to hear about your mcs ..that must be very hard to deal with. After much agonising and back and forth arguments we have got to the point where we are trying but with the full expectation that we are now too old and it's probably too late. I am dreading in equal measure it working and it not working! I have been so lucky to not experience the heartache of m/c and if I am lucky enough to conceive at my advanced age I am fully aware of the increased risks. I do feel though if we try and it doesn't work out we gave it a shot and I can live with that. I spent so long deciding to try for another ( and convincing dh to) that I do sometimes feel like kicking myself that I didn't try sooner but I have to accept I wasn't ready and had v good reasons at the time. I also could have chosen not to try at all but after much deliberation that doesn't sit well with me so here we are.

Dh is not fully on board and I can completely understand your dh saying no to trying for any more when you have suffered 2 mcs. I am sure dh would be the same . I hope you can move on and get some counselling. When I am struggling I look at my gorgeous clever caring dc and think how lucky I am., if I roll the dice again how could I beat this when I struck the jackpot the first time .. that helps me .. good luck!

I know this is an old thread but was wondering if lighthouse is still here and how she is doing?

hi hey22, I am still here :)
We kind of stopped trying since my last MC back in September last year, and my DH is still doesn't want to try. But something crazy happened , my DH started to relax about the whole thing and we sometimes have unprotected sex so I think deep down he wants to have another but not scared to commit to it and I think I am the same. For example I don't even want to say to him ah let's start trying as it feels better like this. I know the chances of getting pregnant very low with only couple of times unprotected sex in a month but still I am not complaining. I am thinking if it's meant to happen it will happen, it hasn't for the last couple of months but again you never know. So I think if I don't push the idea to him so much, he might go into fully TTC mode soon. I am 40 years old so time is not on my side but again I have got to relax and just let it happen. how are you? and everyone else?

Good attitude lighthouse

I'm adopting the same .. dh not massively keen but could be persuaded I think ..I'm 42 so not likely to happen now really but will see what nature has in store for me

Hi OP, i just want to say that i am in a similar situation as you was back then. I have one child and i still feel like something is missing, my son was awfully hard work as a baby, and still is now as a toddler, he still doesnt sleep at night, but even so, i still feel like i would like to have another baby. My Dh is totally against the thought, he wont even let me talk about it he really doesnt want to go through all we have been through with our son already. I have too had mc in the past, i am so sorry. Its awful, and i dont think you ever do get over it im afraid but you do find ways to cope, i hope that the counselling forms some sort of closure for you .