My heart is breaking. DD just told me that she wants to be a big sister...

[ilovelamp2]

We have stopped at one by choice. She is a lush little 4 year old and life is good. Happy marriage, lovely friends and family near by, career is taking off, nice home, holidays abroad and finally a bit of money in our pockets. She will start school in Sept so end of full time nursery fees is in sight! We both work full time but have plenty of time together and certainly don't feel 'incomplete.' We are happy.

So why did my heart break when DD said that she wants to be a big sister? I have felt this coming for weeks. Lots of her little friends have 'had a baby' and she has been talking about when she 'gets a baby.' I think the penny has dropped that it's me who would have the baby and she would get to be a big sister like her friend Layla.

We were on our way to nursery at the time. I am terrified that I have said the wrong thing. I should have planned it out - of course she would ask. I just said that some people have one, some people have two and some people have three -like your Aunty X. She asked why that was - Layla's mam 'got two.' I said that I had a lovely little girl and didn't need anymore babies. She then asked if I didn't like babies and did I not like her when she was a baby. She is pretty switched on for a 4 year old. I tried to minimise it but not sure that it worked. Felt awful. I kept it all upbeat and light hearted and told her that mam and dad love her so much and always have.

She then skipped into nursery to see all of her friends. And I got back in the car and bawled my eyes out. It's like all logic went out of the window when I heard her say, "But I want to be a big sister." She wants something I can't give her - I feel like a terrible mother. I have put her in nursery for the day so that I can do some marking but I can not concentrate.

Have I said the wrong thing? What can I say if she asks again?

You haven't said the wrong thing because there is no answer to this that a four year old could even possibly understand. It's not even a feeling that some other adults understand well.

People like babies. Your daughter is one of them. If she has aunties and friends with babies, she's getting plenty of exposure there, and I'm sure she gets plenty of quality time with you and her dad. She'll be fine.

If she asks again, explain again that some people have one, some people have two, etc, and you chose to just have her. Maybe talk to her about how many children she would like. It's a casual conversation to her at the moment - it's not half as emotionally fraught as it is for you.

I'm an only, my Mum bought this book and read it to me whenever I got sad... On the whole, as an adult I am happy to be an only, asa teen it meantI could always have a friend stay or come out with us and I only got sad now and again as a child with the help of this book.
www.amazon.com/Lonely-Only-Mouse-Picture-Puffin/dp/0140506519

Apologies for not replying. This is a bad day! Talk about needing a distraction. Someone has just smashed into my car parked outside my house. Police on their way. This marking us not going to get done today! Thank you for the book suggestion - looks sweet. And that makes sense Anxious. I hadn't thought of it like that -of course there is no 'right' answer. Is she just asking? Like she asks about twenty five million other things every day?! Can't believe what has happened to the car. I have had it 9 days.

Oh dear that is a bad day

I have two children. Oldest is permanently cross that he has a little brother and youngest is permanently cross because he'll never be a big brother just a little brother and there should be more babies in the house.

Parenting can be a no win situation sometimes!

Sorry about your bad day.

My dd also wants to be a big sister. Thing is, she is dc3 and we are definitely NOT having anymore.

You have had the right family for you. Agree with pp that you just need to answer her and keep it light.

Hope car isn't too bad.

Loving the stories about little sisters/brothers who want to be big sisters/brothers - I never thought of that! I will keep it light - thanks for all of your kindness and good advice. Feeling much better about that part of the day.

The car on the other hand ... £1500 pounds worth of damage. Bye bye no claims - hello £350 excess! It's only stuff, but still!

I think I need chocolate, not mock exam marking! Hope you all have a lovely day and thanks again.

You shouldn't lose your no claims or pay an excess if your car was parked? There is no way you are liable!

Really Dukketeater? I thought I had no choice because we have no reg for the other car and no insurance details. Guy from Hastings Insurance was like a robot mind! Should I check?

If you have no details for the other driver and thus no way of finding them, then it has to go through your own insurance, assuming it is fully comprehensive.

I think Dukk has assumed you had the other car details.

FWIW, I think that a 4 year old wanting to be a Big Sister because her friends have baby siblings is probably similar to wanting a puppy because a friend has one. It means far more to you than it does to her.

That's a good point Soup Dragon. You're right - it floored me but she has probably forgotten about it by now.

I am dreading this conversation. My DD is 3.5 and would be a fab big sister, but she's not going to be one - and like you, that's my choice. I think you did fine, and agree she's probably forgotten about it by now!

Remember they also want ice cream for breakfast, chocolate for lunch, unsuitable pets, to stay up until midnight ...etc ... We wouldn't let them decide that would we so why does a four year old get to decide about creating a life?! My DD is five and I was worried about this but she rarely asks, and when she does though I either make jokes about what a nuisance a younger sibling would be, or concentrate on people we know who don't have siblings or talk about her cousins. She soon gets distracted. Other times I just say matter of dactly that mummy and daddy would be (more!) tired and grumpy - that does the trick too!

My DD (an only by choice) wanted a dog. We got a dog and DD acts as though he doesn't exist! I love him though

My dd (now 9) went through a phase of being desperate for a brother or sister and it was heartbreaking, however after a few months she changed her mind and decided that she never ever wants one and would much rather have us all to herself .

Kids love babies but this will pass. My Dd is an only and has not asked me... yet. Dont feel guilty. I think its wrong when parents have a baby because their child wanted a brother or sister. You have to want to have another baby.

DD is 5 and regularly tells me she doesn't want to be a big sister. Unfortunately (well, in her eyes) she has a younger brother.
Two of her friends (also 5) were only children but have recently had a younger sibling born. On hearing about the first birth DD said "do you think [friend] has any idea how annoying little ones are"!

Overheard my dds talking dd2 telling dd1 about class mates mother bringing in their new baby to show and tell. Dd1 trumped this by recalling the time her friend brought in her hamster. Both agreed the hamster trumped the baby by some way.

I have two DC both of whom have told me on occasion that they'd rather be only children!

I'm a part-only (half DB and DS living a long way away). The only problem for me was on hols so we sometimes brought a friend along. Otherwise I was quite happy!

PS what was the outcome with your car?

Mine occasionally said she wanted a sibling. Then she'd want a dog the next day.

Now she tells me 'thank god you never had another' and I better not get pregnant!