Are we seriously being ridiculous to be considering a vasectomy after 1st child?

[LadySnapcase]

(Sorry, long, I think I'm mostly using this to think some things through!)

DS is only 7 months old. Previously I'd only really wanted one child, but then when we started trying for #1 I got pretty broody and kind of thought we might go for two after all. However, pregnancy really didn't suit me (hated first and third trimesters), the birth was Not Good (although probably not bad enough to put me off doing it again if I really wanted) and as much as I love DS, the last 7 months have been horrendous. DS bless him has been pretty difficult, but I think mostly it's just been my failure to adjust to the massive lifestyle change. I teetered on the edge of PND and DS thinks sleep is for the weak, so still not feeling 100%. Basically, I can't imagine ever doing this again, particularly with a toddler underfoot, and the thought makes me feel a bit panicky. Also, DH is 48 (I'm 32) and starting to feel it, he would realistically be over 50 by the time we had another. Plus I actually feel relieved that we have a (apparently) healthy little boy and feel like having more would be pushing our luck, which I know sounds a bit ridiculous but the labour nearly went very wrong, so bit more conscious of potential problems.

So we'd been talking about DH getting a vasectomy, which he is quite keen to do. Hormonal contraception has never really agreed with me, and I don't like the idea of having anything done that I can't undo myself, IYSWIM? So no implant or coil. Today I had to take the MAP as I realised in my sleep deprived state I'd missed a pill (first time in over 10 years!), so something more permanent appeals.

But...I'm conscious that 7 months is hardly any time at all in the grand scheme of things, and I know most of the people in my life will think it's too soon and we'll change our minds when he's older. So did anyone out there have a situation similar to ours and go through with it? Did you regret it or not?

I think if you can use other contraception I wouldn't do it.

I had the most horrendous experience having dd 11 years ago. 72 hour labour, complaint to hospital, pnd so awful I didn't bond with dd for 2 years, went onto 60mg anti depressant a day for 3 years etc etc. I actually wrote to the hospital I had dd at and told them they had put me off any more dc for life.

11 years and 2 marriages later I now have toddler ds 19 months ! I had an elective c section and it was wonderful and I bonded immediately. Dd and I have a wonderful relationship now too. She has no idea I was struggling when she was younger.

I just got incredibly broody when I got to 30 and didn't want dd to be an only child.

Don't do it unless you have no other option.

I have had no depression or anxiety after dc2 and he's 2 and a half now. I went into it with my eyes completely open. I think first time round, I was blinded by the unknown, endlessly hopeful (unrealistic I think in hindsight) and leaping from a life with dh where I worked in a good, academic job to full time motherhood where I felt like I was drowning. A traumatic labour and delivery and then dd never, ever sleeping just threw me into an unshakeable shock. With ds there was none of that. I mean it was knackering and hard and all those things having a baby has to be but I felt like me. Just me with a baby. I didn't actually realise how bad I felt first time round until second time round, I felt normal. After having dc1, my life contracted down to this tiny being. I didn't think I'd ever laugh spontaneously or enjoy all the things I'd cherished before having children. I thought motherhood meant feeling altered somehow, like losing part of who I was. Then I had a second and honestly, nothing felt different. I just had a baby. And unlike first time round, even when I had a bloody awful day/night/week, I knew that it was finite. I also learned through time that I might not like the baby stage but I love, I mean utterly embrace having an older child. The baby stage is fleeting and the pay off is the complete and wonderful person who grows out of it. I guess I went from knowing I could never contemplate the hell of right now again, to realising that I could manage to survive it and it would pay off in the end. I won't lie to you. DC1 desperately, desperately wanted a sibling and this did impact on how I felt. It sounds callous but I went into having a second using my head. I went into having the first using my heart.

Fairylea That sounds awful, but am glad you have had a better time of it with your second

Showy I do wonder how much of it is still being in shock with the whole thing, I feel very much the same as you described. The trouble is I suspect by the time we have both recovered enough to even consider going through it again DH will be 50+ (and it took 14 months to conceive before) which we both feel is too old (for us, obviously, am sure there are tons of brilliant 50+ fathers of newborns out there!).

So basically, I don't know.

It took us 14 months and a couple of losses to conceive our first. It took one night with dc2.

Why not give it 6 months and reassess? I think you mustn't feel at all like you need permission or are somehow failing by stopping at one. If that is right for you, then that is all you need to know. I remember feeling so fed up with having it hanging over me. I was sure I wanted no more, people kept saying things knowingly like 'you'll see' and I just wanted to move on if that makes sense. And it wasn't like I suddenly became broody and forgot how I felt in the early days of motherhood. I reassessed. Anyway, we decided to just leave it, not talk about having another to anybody and to make a decision when dc1 was older. It really took the pressure off.

You sound like you're being really sensible. And I promise you faithfully, the sleeping thing improves. Everything does.

Ahh yes, the 'you'll see' comments are pissing me off already Must make sure my stubbornness doesn't kick in too much, the desire to prove them wrong is pretty strong!

And, incidentally, since I started the thread DS has slept through every night