Feel really sad for my only child's future, please help!

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My DD has had a fantastic day but looking on the dreaded FB I feel so sad for her. There seem to be lots of pictures of her friends with siblings, cousins, basically lots of children of their generation. She is an only child, born after much fertility treatment and unless there is a miracle she will not have a sibling, nor is it likely that she will have cousins. This is something I worry about a lot, she frequently asks for a sibling which of course I feel guilty that I can't provide. Christmas is such a big family time for us that I feel sad for her future, she will never have any family member of her generation to share this with. Although she has had a great day I know she would have loved another child to play with. Sorry this is a very rambling post but I hate the idea that she is the only child on both sides of the family. I really worry about her being lonely, or feeling that she has to do things with DH and I as we get older

I'm an only. It's fine. It's always been fine. Please don't worry. There's a lot of scaremongering about onlies, but it's rubbish. We're just people. Sone selfish, some not; some sociable, some not.

I'm an only, and have an only dd. I had lots of family growing up, and those family Christmases you're speaking of. Your dc's childhood will be different. She won't know any differently, though, and can't miss what she's never known.

She's only 5 at the moment. Personally, I wouldn't overload her with activities yet-especially after school. She'll be meeting little people at school. I would concentrate on making sure that she's able to bring little mates back for tea, or to play in the park after school and on weekends. She'll establish frienships soon enough.

One of the most difficult things I found with a little dd was networking with other parents. I frequently felt isolated, and I understand perfectly that "Facebook feeling" where everyone seems to be having a great time apart from your dd!

I was a Sahm for most of the time my dd was little, and I spent a lot of time establishing telationships with other parents, in the hope of some reciprocation from them. In the main, it paid off, but I think it is harder with an only.

My dd is 11 now, in secondary school and making her own arrangements with her mates. She's one of the most grounded, resilient kids I know.

So please don't worry. Just enjoy her!

Ralph- nice to hear an only give that perspective and Biryani, your DD sounds lovely! Hope I can describe mine as grounded and resilient when she is 11.

I have an only - not through choice, but now I've made my peace with it I feel incredibly fortunate and wouldn't change our family for the world.

Generally I think DS shares much better than his friends who have siblings. They're so used to having to grab quickly or lose out - he knows that he'll have plenty of time to have things to himself, so doesn't feel the need to compete for 'his turn'. That's a personality thing - but I'm only saying it to show that so much emphasis is put on 'onlies are selfish, multiples share nicely', whereas actually the truth is that 'spoilt children are selfish, well brought up children share nicely'.

I put a lot more effort into ensuring he has company than I would if he had a similar aged sibling. Which means he's probably happier! He does loads of after school activities and we have lots of kids over to play, and sleepovers every now and then. A kid said the other day that they all prefer coming to ours which surprised me as we don't own a tv, don't have a Wii or playstation or iPads or a garden… Then they explained it's because they don't get invaded by a younger sibling or bullied by an older sibling and can stick to just 'their group' of friends when they're at ours.

I also put a lot of effort into not spoiling him. It's hard to restrain myself sometimes, but I think it's important not to make him into a 'little emperor'. I have to cross my hands behind my back to stop myself from zipping up his jacket and helping with his shoes etc.! It's hard to do that as he was a much-longed-for child.

In terms of you worrying about your DD as you get old… I do a lot of caring for my elderly parents. My siblings do sweet FA. Having siblings is no protection. And you can bear it in mind as you get old - ensure that your life is full so that your DD doesn't feel obliged because you're busy out at your pottery class, seeing your friends, etc.!

Gosh that was long - it's nice to get a chance to be positive! Wishing you a very Happy New Year with your little girl - that age from five to six is such an adventure and because you know that this is the only time you'll go through it, you'll treasure every moment. Enjoy it.

Runningoverthefields, what a lovely post. I really am appreciative of people posting such lovely words. I will make sure I treasure her!

I have a sibling... this christmas he came to visit me for the first time in 12 years.

Sibling relationships can be over rated.

I'm an only child and I loved Christmas without any care to not being with other kids. I had no young family nearby either. It didn't bother me one little bit. You're worrying unnecessarily. If you're really worried then mix up the Cmas hols with lots of 'dates' with your LOs mates xx

Your situation sounds very similar to mine, OP. My dd was born after fertility treatment, and although we tried for another it didn't work, and I have many regrets about not continuing to try. For age and other reasons, it isn't possible to start trying again now.

I have had other children round for playdates who have asked dd if it's lonely not having a brother/sister -she has said no (hesitantly), but it breaks my heart. I also worry about her not having someone to share, and remember, experiences with. She would be a brilliant older sister - extremely sensitive and caring.

However - I was never particularly close to my younger sister when growing up. Apart from family holidays etc when it was just us, we always played separately with our own friends/individually. I spent my childhood (and adulthood) quite envious and resentful of her, for being the 'pretty' one, much closer to our mum, indulged yet quite badly behaved, while I was the well-behaved, studious one. A few years ago she subjected me to such a torrent of verbal abuse I was shaken up for long time - but it was a real light-bulb moment where I realized that dd would never be subjected to a potentially difficult sibling relationship, and I felt nothing but relief for her.

I think because it is more the norm to have siblings (dd has no 'only' friends), it can feel like we are outsiders, and therefore emphasises the negatives. I do believe though that so much impacts on childhood and life experiences that being a child with siblings is most definitely not a guarantee of a 'better' life. DD is a very shy child, and does struggle socially, but I honestly don't think this aspect of her personality would be any different if she had a sibling (who could struggle similarly).

Our dd's will grow up loved and happy, and free to do whatever they choose .

ah, now maybe there is one of the differences different families experience. My DS has a number of "only" friends, so being an only isn't unusual in his circle, its one of a range of normals.
His circle of friends have 0 - 4 siblings with age gaps of 11 months - 12 years between them and their nearest sibling. In his class of 20 children, 5 are onlys and another is 12 years younger than their sibling (who has already left home).

all the misery I remember from my childhood has to do with my siblings. They were jealous, bitchy and hurtful whenever they could. I used to fear the moment I came with my school report full of A's cause they didn't get them and they HATED me. In the car we were always quarrelling. My parents were so tired to constantly having to be the police. My bro has not shared Christmas with us in years and blames the other siblings for all his misfortunes.

I have a DS and he will remain one! He is very happy, has never asked for a sibling and when he goes to play in a friend's house where siblings are constantly misbehaving to attract parents' attention, he tells me how happy he is to be back home, where there is peace, harmony, and we all get along. On top of all this, he is more sharing and generous than many children with his possesions.

Do not worry! There is a lot of happiness in being left "alone" every now and then.

Other people have said many of the things I could, so I'll just add a comment on one specific:
'I really worry about her being lonely, or feeling that she has to do things with DH and I as we get older'

My DD is nearly 15 now. She's got lots of friends, and social media helps a lot during the school hols. Unlike some of her friends, she still does do things with DH and me - not because she has to but because she wants to! It's probably easier (and more affordable) to find things that the whole family enjoys doing when there's just the one kid.

I have 4 DCs, but we are very close to a family who have an only DS.

My DS and their DS are very close, and when he's at our house it feels very much like he is part of the family.

He is much more confident than any of mine have ever been, and relates extremely well to people of all ages.

I know that when he comes to our house he loves the hustle and bustle and when my DS goes to his house they have the best time ever.

I wouldn't swap my situation for the world and neither would my friend.

My DC1 (DD17) also has a best friend who is an only child, and she is one of the loveliest girls I have ever met.

I know a few other onlies and they are a bit wimpish and wet tbh, you can spot the children who are spoilt and believe they are the centre of the entire universe a mile off.

This is more likely to happen if you're child is an only, ime and imho, but it is by no means guaranteed. As I've said, some of the most lovely children I know are only children.

Having what I thought would be an only child for many, many years (and feeling desperately sad, like there was something missing, tbh,) I have seen this from both sides.

Mine drive each other mad, and squabble a lot but they also have great fun and are very good friends.

I think all the concerns and sadness I had regarding my DC1 being an only child was mostly in my head, she wasn't aware of it and I don't think it affected her. The problem and sadness was mine for her and myself, but she did not feel that sense of something missing IYSWIM.

For those who have only children but not through choice, I would say that try to keep a lid on the sadness, I have friends who will never come to terms with the fact that can only ever have one, and this has affected their child big time IMHO, though I don't think they are aware of this at all.

I hope this doesn't sound patronising or arrogant, it's just that, having been in the situation of desperately wanting more, and thinking I would never have more, I can now see that only children are actually in a very fortunate position in many ways, and they are unlikely to feel that they are missing out unless they have parents who are perpetually in a state of sadness brought about because they can't have any more.

Forgot to say I would second that only children are often better sharers, in spite of the myth that the opposite is true.

Two of mine are brilliant sharers, one is shockingly lousy at sharing and the other is somewhere in the middle. Some only children I know are extremely generous and I know another only child who is on a par with one of mine who is really poor at sharing. (I'm working on her getting better at this.)

I am an only - I used to love Christmas (I still do). We hoped to have more than one child - but it wasn't to be. DS did ask for siblings when he was about 5 or 6 - but now, at 8, he has commented that he is glad that he doesn't have them as we can do things that suit him, just for him, and don't have to drag a younger child around and do things that are suitable for both age groups.

I'm on the opposite side to this I'm currently pregnant with another but can't help the odd flash of looking at my toddler playing happily by herself and thinking what have I done to her! Poor lamb has no idea that in a few months her life might be ruined. There's a lot of threads on mn about awful siblings and it worries me. A lot.

I totally understand what you're feeling, DD is an only and likely to remain so. I feel sad sometimes. However as others have said, siblings are no guarantee of happiness and company. I had 2 siblings 5 years older than me and I was the loneliest child you can imagine. They just did things together and ignored me/made me feel the odd one out. I've never really shaken it off even though they are perfectly nice and caring adults. My parents overprotected me as their 'baby' that made our relationship also isolating/suffocating. So I had the negatives you'd probably imagine onlies get, but with the added bonus of realising what I was missing :(

also to add, FB is the very devil for feeding anxieties, sometimes I like the way I can keep in light-touch contact with people in my wider circle but often I find myself almost in tears looking at other people's 'happy' photos and feeling like a loser... You're only ever getting the positive side people are willing to share and never seeing their own anxieties which are probably about university fees, big enough houses, getting all the washing done, having enough time...

I agree with delurking I don't go on fb at all anymore, not because of people's photos of their kids, but for all the endless shit posts and attention seeking statements that are constantly drip fed by so many people.

And the endless photos of people showing off about how many friends they have.

When people used to take photos it used to be so that the person who used the camera could remember a special or specific moment in time. Now it's so everyone's million fb 'friends' can see what a fabulous time they're having. It's so fake half the time!

Gosh...where did all that come from? Sorry for that rant.

Anyway Ilike next time you see all those sugary sweet photos on fb just imagine endless snaps of their DCs fighting, arguing and generally being quite horrible to each other..that should help . Funny how no one bothers to post those, eh?!