what's wrong with "only having 1" ?

[pixiewitch]

does/has anyone else have these kind of responses when you tell people you are sticking with having 1 child?

" oh don't worry , you'll change your mind " (with a half smile on thier face)
OR
" not to worry, it'll happen ",
OR
" uh "
OR
" what for / why would you do that to dc ?"
OR
a totally blank face

I'm as I'm not worried at all. My partner & I have very clear reasons for this which we are very happy about.

I just don't quite understand why people think they have to take it upon themselves to try and change our minds about it & that somehow were doing something wrong by just having 1 ?

Any thoughts / support from anyone else who is happy with their decission to only have 1 & has suffered this?

Pix

Blimey there are some people behaving hideously on this thread.

I came from a large family where my needs were not met as my parents were too busy being dysfunctional and putting themselves first. I did enough looking after of babies when I was a kid myself. It's not led to good relationships in the long run.

Having "just" one is highly fab. DC gets proper attention, we all get to be people in our own right.

No doubt there are larger families that work well, though with the population of the world as it is I would find it hard to justify.

This thread has given me a lot of food for thought, having another child is something that is weighing on my mind just now. My DD is still only a toddler but we want to move house soon to a nicer area and could afford a better house if we went for 2 bedrooms instead of 3 and long term we would be much better off financially with an only. I grew up with a sibling who I didn't get on with and often wished I had been an only child, but I was at a friend's house recently and it was lovely seeing her DD who is a bit older and my DD play together, I could picture DD at that age with a baby sibling, but I don't want that to be the only reason to have another. I'm not sure if I want another for myself or not as I feel that DD is enough for me and another would be a bonus but not a need, and to be honest the thought of having to go through pregnancy again and then the exhaustion of the newborn days fills me with dread.

I hope you weren't including me in that herbie. I don't want to be offensive to anyone; I was giving a perspective from an only child who didn't want to be one, and how that makes me feel about the idea of people choosing to have only one child. I can well imagine that there are people with siblings who would have preferred not to have them - and that clearly some families are just too large for the attention-giving abilities of a given set of parents.

My issue in the end is that the best and closest of the sibling relationships I see around me are a support like nothing else, even though I can see perfectly well that many/most people are not that close to their siblings. That's what I hope my kids get a shot at (not that it's going too well so far, mind!).

In any case, when it comes down to it, we all try in adulthood not to replicate what we see as the negative aspects of our own childhood, whatever those might be. Those don't apply to others, but it's mighty hard to keep that perspective sometimes. That applies both to those who've chosen to have only one child (and at heart believe that having more is a negative in terms of attention and resources), and those who've chosen to have several (and at heart believe that having one is a negative in terms of company and potential sibling closeness). Horses for courses, as rip says.

Hey Pixiewitch -- I've arrived late to this thread and have posted a couple myself to do with this topic. I think women's fertility and the whole subject of motherhood seems to be a free-for-all when it comes to inconsiderate and thoughtless comments!
I think making a decision that feels right for you and your family is all that matters. I have a DD who is almost 5. She will be my only one for a whole host of reasons. She is very much in a minority at her school as it seems to be full of big and ever-growing families. No one questions them about their choice to breed more consumers, to have to buy bigger cars and so on... It is really very odd that us one-child families so seem to have to be on the defensive.
I have 7 siblings. I love them but I have chosen to live thousands of miles away from them and barely see them. I often felt lonely even with a house full of people when I was growing up. To be honest I think my daughter feels less lonely than I did because she has lots of friends and a mother who isn't run ragged.
Anyway, like you I get all sorts of comments (dancingonthinice is a perfect example) and simply try and let them go. My dh, dd and myself are a very happy little unit. My DD even said the other day how much she liked being like the 3 little bears.
Hope this helps. Be strong and try and do what you know is right for you, not for people who feel they are put on this earth to reproduce. Isn't the whole point of feminism to allow us women to make decisions that are the best for us and those around us and not do what society and out of date theories tell us to do?
Go have a glass of wine and enjoy the quiet calm of 'only' having one child! haha.

I'm not going to comment any more on this thread. But would like to [thanx] ottawagirl & all the other neural & positive commenters x x thank you

I have two girls and so glad we had one more when i see them in the garden for example sitting next to each other chatting and giggling. In the mornings playing with their toys. I am truly lucky to have two girls but we are not having any more as i don't feel I could give them the time, love and education each child NEEDS

People would assume a "lonely" child would be lonely than 2+ families because we always hear "I was an only child and hated it" how often do you hear "i was an only child and I loved it because..."

I would never say anything bad for only having one child sometimes it would be great but some times not so good just like if you had 2, 3 or 4+

I would rather have a loving, educated and happy child than 8 children feeling they never felt loved because their parents didn't have the time for them. But saying that they are large families out there that do have time some how for each child.

I have an only child an he is most definatly NOT alonely child. We go on play dates and have our family around us. If you want one child have one child if you want more thats ok too!

I feel the same sometimes.

I have a 3.5 yr old and am often asked when the next one is coming along. My answer is never. I would have had another child if it had happened quickly, but it didn't and I really don't want sleepless nights and nappies all over again!
My DH underwent an emergency double heart bypass when DD was 18 months old. Sometimes we have to be happy with what we have and I have my family.
Often feel a little sad at her lack of interaction with other children (not many little ones around here), but we have some really cool adventures just the three of us that couldn't happen with more (in my opinion).
Be happy with what and who you have

Im happy with 1 & dd is happy with it just being me & her. I dont understand why people cant just let you be happy with your choice. Id rather not have anymore because seizures are triggered by the high hormones i had when pregnant with DD & after giving birth to her. Im on the depo jab now because its far too risky for me. Im happy having just DD. I can watch her grow up i can do lots of things with her in lots of time & not worry about anyone else. Shes one very confident very sociable little girl. Her teachers told me that. Wheres the evidence that only children get lonely? Are they not able to socialize without having a sibling? I thought thats what toddler groups etc were for? Letting your kids play & socialize at the same time. I must be wrong.

I'm just about to have my first and one of the things I've learnt is that you're damned if you do and damned if you don't, WHATEVER you do. Everything from your ideas about birth, to what products you choose for the kid/s, to how many you will or won't have is always wrong. And people think nothing of turning on a sixpence on the matter if you change your mind aswell.

I jokingly tell my MIL and GMIL I want 6, they immediately start the knowing 'oh you'll change your mind' (even though GMIL had 5!?). But I can GARANTEE the second I say I might be considering sticking at one, they would start clucking about only children...rollseyes

I havent made up my mind on numbers yet. One appeals to me, I have two sisters and actively hated them in childhood and now have nothing to do with them, I feel like an only child thesedays and actually feel happy and settled. But, I do accept there's big advantages to more than one aswell....but they aren't garanteed...

Total minefield!

some real insenisitivity here. Thisnickname you say that no-one ever says how happy they were they were an only child? And yet a friend of mine said that to me just yesterday (and is the reason why she only had one child herself). My DH has two cousin, both onlies, and both have said that exact thing.

The worst one I've had was the woman in the playground, who I've seen but had never, ever, talked to, leaned over to my son and said 'tell your mum that you want a brother or sister'. Excuse me?! I am still fuming at this. He was 5 at the time. What I do in these situations is overshare, going into detail about my infertility problems. I want these people to think twice before they go around saying these things to people they barely/don't know.

The fertility problems are true, but not the actual reason I have just one child. Financial considerations, my age, my medical condition (inflammatory arthritis brought on by pregnancy) and my two step children are all also factors.

thank you for everyone who posted on this thread with positive comments about being an only child. i have a sister and we have a fabulous close relationship, but i dont think i want anymore children. my DD is only 13 weeks old, so i know i may change my mind but at the moment i am dead set against it. all my friends say i will change my mind. my husband has 3 siblings and they never got much, if everyone couldnt get it then no one could, and e wants t be able to give our daughter every opportunity available to her, something he didnt get. i have wondered if she will be lonely growing up but after reading ur comments i kno that it isnt a certainty. i havent heard much positive stories about being an only child before, but i have now,

I can't believe how judge-y people are - how ridiculous! I for one am excited about a future of seeing our LO grow up & I think he'll have a lovely life as an only. I love the idea of having so much time & attention just for him, taking him on different exciting holidays every year to different countries as he gets a bit older, having the money to send him to a good school (as we have less financial pressure than if we had 2 or more), just spending more time with him, really. He's already a sociable little boy & very happy (still just a baby but his personality comes through well!) so i don't think he will have any issues making friends.

Thank you so much for whoever it was that shared the time magazine article . Sorry I forget who it was! My dd will prpb be an only and this article has totally transformed my opinion about it. I used to feel guilty and worried about my dd now I know that i am doing best for her. Btw I have a wonderful friend who is an only - she is sociable and outgoing and treats her friends like sisters ! When I first met her I knew instantly she was one of those people who is a really great friend , the kind that treats friends like family if you know what I mean, rather than the more distanced relationship.

Anyway as for dancingonthinices comments I don't need a degree is psychology to see that you must be feeling guilty about something and are therefore trying to guilt trip us one child parents. Plus you must be very ignorant that you only have time to read a mums net post and not a magazine article. To summarize to an even shorter length for your benefit - the lonely only is a cultural myth - created by a psychologist in the seventies.

I have an only dd who is 10. She is very happy being an only and was absolutely horrified when her dad suggested to her that we might have another (he was kidding)

She is not lonely, she is a sociable child but she does appreciate her own space.
She has also told me that she plans to have an only too, so that she can "give it all the time and love that you and daddy give me"
Granted she's only 10 but it still made my bottom lip wobble when she said it.

You are deluded dancing - that is only your husbands experience
My cousin was a happy only - I have a brother and hated him and still do
Why does it have to be the same rules for everyone - everyone is different?
Don't shove your views down others throats

I am happy for anyone who had big famlies
But there is over population you know?
And you should only have children you can afford

Nothing,

Except much as my DSIS and I thought as kids there times when a sibling is worth their weight in gold.

Stuck at boring toyless relatives, on holiday, to hug when grandma died. To share memories of good and bad times with that no one else will ever understand -DH and his DSIS when their parents died.

I'm lucky, although very different, my two do play together and keep each other company.

They looked out for each other in the garden when small and they lookout for each other out cycling now they are older.

Much of the time DCs just need other small people about.

Most of the time I'd have been happy being an only child, but my BF lived next door. Out here only DCs would be very lonely.

I have an only and its fine. Over thinking a gogo here!

Perhaps Dancingonice should spend less time having babies and learn to spell. It's lonely!!! And anyway only lonely theory is rubbish!

Family size is affected by so many different factors, not just personal choice - infertility, illness, finances, work etc.

I have met fantastic only children and fantastic children from large families - personality and parenting have a much larger impact than number of sibs.

Personally I have always felt a bit guilty about having four, ( world population and resources etc) and consequently always feel grateful when other people choose to stop at one and I almost want to shake the hands of those who thoughtfully choose to have none at all.

Like a previous poster said you can be lonely in a large family, and there are no guarantees sibs will stay in touch.

I suppose the only downside to a single child could be in later years when elderly parents need care and sibs can shoulder the practical and emotional burden together, ( this has happened to me and my sibs) but it wouldn't be a good enough reason to bring another person into the world if you didn't particularly want another child anyway.

I have an only but have a DB myself. DB & I live opposite ends of the country, no longer talk & drive our parents insane with our refusal to see each other (what's the point if we're only going to argue?). DH & his sis are on talking terms but see each other on average once per year & live totally seperate lives.

My worst memories of childhood? DB telling me I was sick not to have cried publically at our uncles funeral & DB & cousin bullying & kicking me at my nan's funeral! Now why would I want to risk that happening to DD(age 10)? I truly believe that you choose your family, & DD has wonderful neighbours who treat her like a grandchild, very good school friends & is happy and confident to go on a summer course where she knows nobody because she really wants to do the course. The last PGL her yeargroup went on at school, her friend (one of 4) came home in tears and appeared to have very little confidence because she didin't have her siblings with her.

These are just a couple of observations/experiences & yes I do see some siblings playing happily together, but the risks of siblings not being a support are far more important to me than the possible benefit of having a younger brother or sister for her to drag around & babysit all the time.

I do worry that she won't have any real experience with babies & younger children so she may find being a mother difficult, but hopefully we will be around to help if she wants it when the time comes. I hope we are able to help her grow into a well rounded & sensible adult.

Of all the things mentioned, I certainly wouldn't worry about an only child not having experience with babies and younger children thus finding it hard to be a parent! It's no different from any younger child in a two-child household (nor the older child if the age gap is small). I have an older DB and never held a baby until I had my own, and coped just fine!

Yup, in that respect it is, they do expect that one on one time with you and I feel it just goes with the territory of having one. There is the flip side of not having to sort out spats with sibs.

Why oh why are people so nasty?

One woman at school gate sort of batted me away with an arm and said "You don't have a family " when they were talking about some kids' issue.

When the school photographer came and everyone was lining up in family groups he said to ds "What? No brothers or sisters? You'll have to borrow some!" I suppose he thought he was joking but I was devastated.

I think having too many dcs is the bigger "crime". My parents were one of nine and six and they both said that it wasn't a positive experience. My cousin, who is one of seven, said that she and her siblings have all vowed to have small families. So there, serial breeders!!

Gramercy - That is horrible, just disgusting.

We have a dd. We were planning on having more children, but some rather grim fertility issues hoved into view and it looks like that won't happen without fertility treatment.

Dd is lovely and in many ways I'd be delighted just to have her. What pisses me off is the disdain and pity you get for only having one child. It is purely cultural. If having one child was the norm, no one would care.