Only child - other peoples comments & judgements!

[allnewtaketwo]

Well person really, rather than 'people'

We know a couple (DH's friend and wife) who have just had their second child. A while back, when her first was a baby, she told me she was going to have another, and asked if I was. I said 'no' but didn't expand on this (so she has no clue if this is through choice or medical reasons). When I said 'no', she said she thought that was cruel, as my child would have no sibling playmates. She said that although she would rather just have one child, she was having another specifically to benefit her first child.

Her choice - I wouldn't dream of commenting or judging this.

She's said similar various times now. Yesterday we visited the new baby. Her mother was there, and asked me if I was having another. I said that I wasn't. She (the new mum) then proceeded to say she wouldn't have dreamed of stopping at one, as the child would have no playmates and would be very lonely etc etc.

Why oh why are people so darn rude and insensitive?

More to the point though, do any of you have good replies to people who say stuff like this??

When people ask me if I'm having more, I literally roar with laughter, and howl, "I don't think so" in my best "are you frikkin' KIDDING me, have you met DS" voice. That usually stops them...

I am just interminably weary of constantly being questioned on my decision. I never hear people asking parents of more than one why they went on to have more. It seems if you want to have 79 children, nobody gives a rats. But God forbid you should want to stick at one, because you will have to justify it for the rest of your life to every Tom, Dick and Harry.

Bunbaker - It does sound as if your dd maybe has unrealistic expectations of how much time she would spend playing with a sibling. Even children with siblings are likely to have some time every day when they're on their own - their sibling is with a friend, at a club or whatever. Can you help her be a bit more positive about this?

I think I'm .... not sure if fortunate is the right word, but I work with several women who have only children, most through circumstance rather then choice so I don't get much probing.

It really does boggle the mind that something as deeply personal as whether you want to bring another human being into the world seems up for public debate and criticism.

I was standing a bit oddly at the supermarket the other day and this lovely bloke says to me, "Oh congratulations, when are you due?". God bless him. I replied, "oh, I'm not, I'm standing funny." His face was a picture, I think I could see mortification creeping into every orifice. I took pity and said, "Don't worry, it's how I was standing. And, for the record, I'm not having any more. I can't".

My DD doesn't want a playmate, she's got me. She's only 3 and a half and I'm sure her feeling may change as she gets older. Having been through all I've been through for the last decade trying to have a baby, losing one late, TTCing again, getting pregnant, having the pregnancy from hell, losing DD on the day she was born and getting her back again with tracheostomy, quite frankly; I don't want to go through that again. And the reason is because I do not crave a child the way, I craved her. I think every child in the world should be craved the way I craved DD, craved and cherished.

I won't bring another child into the world as a play mate for DD. I couldn't guarantee that they'd get on. And I won't go down the egg donor route or adoption route, and put my family through all the stress, when I wouldn't be doing it because I desperately wanted another child, I'd be doing it to get a playmate for DD so she wouldn't be on her own. That's not fair on the resulting child.

As for what to say, if I'm in a good mood, I'd use the "We aced it first time. Some of us are lucky that way." (with an "evidently you weren't so blessed" kind of look, hee hee). If I'm in a bad mood, I stare them in the face and say, "It took a long battle to have her and, even then, it hasn't been easy. Luckily, she's perfect for us because I can't have any more". And then I keep staring until they look away. Then I hope they think about me next time they want to ask or judge someone else.

Bunbaker - that's quite a burden to put on your second child - expecting him/her to be a playmate for your first. Hopefully your DD will develop some inner resources and be able to enjoy her own company and better social skills so that she can engage other kids in a spontaneous game of hide-and-seek amongst the ruins

After years of not knowing how to answer that question (and finding it incredibly rude to have been asked) I just say 'we're happy as we are' which is true. I don't see what business it is of random people in supermarkets, mums at school, people we're trying to buy a house from (but oddly enough, rarely close friends or family) whether the reason is medical, financial, emotional or anything else. My friend who has 5 kids gets much the same in terms of cliches so it's not just those of us with 1 although it does feel like it at times.

Bunbaker I feel like you when we're out and about, eg we were on holiday last week and I worried that DD would enjoy fishing, building sandcastles etc much more with a brother or sister than with us or alone. But then I look at some of my friends' kids who can't be in the same space for 5 minutes without falling out and I realise it wouldn't necessarily be the solution. Kids need to learn how to adapt (imo) and a positive way of looking at it is that a child with no siblings can have company whenever they like (DD has stacks of friends at home, the doorbell is constantly ringing since the holidays began and she made loads on the campsite we stayed at last week) but when they want their own space and time to themself they can have it which I think is a very good thing. Learning to love your own company is a great skill although of course there's a world of difference between being alone through choice and being lonely which I hope your DD isn't.

Hope this comes across as helpful and not patronising, I tend to look to DD's only child-ness as a reason for every problem that crops up and usually blame myself somehow, sounds like you are doing that too which is probably being a bit hard on yourself.

We're not keen on having another child and when we talked about it, we realised that so many reasons to have another is all about the first child like-a playmate, so 1st child doesn't get lonely, so the burden of old age is not just on 1st child etc etc. I was born to keep my sister company. My dad only wanted one and my mum wanted none but said we can't just have one, we need another to keep it company. My sister and I were not that close growing up. My DH is the youngest of 4 and very rarely speaks to his brothers. Siblings aren't all they're cracked up to be I think. Also, the money I will save not having another child will help with any old age care requirements.....

I find that if someone is really pushy then saying "You can look after DS for me then while I spend 3 months or so in hospital like last time".

They usually stop then.

I have one DS who is 5.

I always said oh I think we will have 2!!!! Now 1 is enough. Don't get me wrong he is brilliant, I had a very good pregnancy and am still of a child baring age, I just don't want any more.

I think deep down inside DH would say he would like another

I am more than happy with our little family, don't want to go through the baby stage all over again, don't want to be pregnant again, don't want to stress about money etc etc etc

My family especially make comments about having more to which I reply if they want to carry the baby and fund the baby then we will go for it!!! :)

My DS see friends every day at School, a good social life out of school, sees family often so I don't feel he is lonely at all.

plus you have to do it to get pregnant joking of course :)

I am not surprised that I get asked questions about only having one child, but I am surprised at how often I get asked and how people have quite strong views on the matter.

The most effective answer I have found is simply "One child feels right to us". This is easy for me to say as it happens to be true. And if people persist I have a range of stock answers about sibling relationships and how I just don't have the desire to have another child (IMO the most important reason to have a child).

I realise it is less usual to have just the one child, which is why people ask about it, but it does surprise me that some people seem to think it's just a matter of choice, when for many people it is not, and that constant questioning could be pretty hurtful instead of merely irritating.

I'd say "ewww no, no thanks, no more for me!"

Make them seem like the weirdos for having more than one I say!!

I've said in the past that if my DS doesn't like the experience of being an only child he can see to it in future that he has more than one child himself. It's my DH's and my choice to have the number of children we want though.

I genuinely do believe though that if you have one child through choice and are happy with your choice, these sort of silly comments genuinely do not bother you.

I just say "We keep trying but it doesn't seem to be happening."
By the time they've figured it out, I've moved on.

I say either "No way! She's the equivalent of four kids!" or a version of the "can't improve on perfection" comment - depending on how she's behaving that day

Both DH & I only ever wanted one child anyway. But boy do those rude comments piss me off

They started the day she was born... FIL said "So you'll be trying again for a boy then" WTF??!!
When firmly told no he complained that his family name would die out...

No suggestions but just wanted to express my sympathy: it's so feckin rude and uncalled for. I've got two and I get really angry at these comments - it's kind of like the ginger hair thing, a socially acceptable prejudice.

I have a few responses depending on the circumstance. I'm older tho so I can just say "well i'm a bit long in the tooth"

Sometimes I say "we'd have liked another but it took us ages to have DD and she was a bit of a miracle". Sometimes I tell them about my miscarriage in a "casual" way.

It's often just conversational, and I rarely come up against that odd insistence. I do think people want you to validate their life choices tho, and it's undeniable that life with one is a lot easier, so there may be jealousy......

I do sometimes say I had 3 in my teens and SS took them away cos I couldn't cope

But my most common reposte is that I hated my sister as a child, we still don't get on, and altho I love my brother he didn't talk to me until I was twelve. My childhood would have been A LOT happier as an only child. Exponentially so.

Now my DD is 6,friends have stopped asking me. Others haven't but I usually say "it's a variety of reasons but there's pros and cons for any size family".

Hello, as someone who only wanted one child I am starting to feel a bit selfish about my decision and I am worried about how this will impact on my 4-year old. Are there any chatrooms, support groups, forums out there that anyone knows of to support those of us with only one child -- apart from this one?

Out of 60 children in my child's year at school there are only two other singletons. I often feel looked down upon by other mothers and am treated as someone who couldn't possibly understand what being a mother is as I have only gone through it all once.

And I can't even count the number of times I get asked "Have you ONLY got the one then?" as if this is some sort of failing on my part. I would really like to feel better about my decision which was for very personal reasons but I can't seem to.

Any thoughts?

I hate this. I am coming to the end of my 5th mc (3rd post DD) and got the comment from someone at work.

I'm afraid something inside me snapped (in hindsight went back too soon) and told her if she'd have it for me then as my body can't take anymore mcs and stormed off.

Hey Norfolk,

Don't be afraid to snap! I wish I would do it more often when people make insensitive comments regarding one's choices and circumstances.

Anyway, good for you! You won't get any idiotic comments form her any more!

Sorry to hear about the mcs though. They are no fun. I've had five myself.

My DS is 6, it's usually only people who don't know me who ask. Got one today - an acquaintance at a group I go to. I just said 'no' when she asked if I'd thought about having another one. Being single though, pointing that out usually stops most (but not all) people! Didn't want more even when I was still married.

Not many of the pregnancy/parenting comments p* me off, (do you know what you're having, how could you NOT know?? / you're big/small for 37 weeks etc)

BUT these comments re: size of family really grip my shit.

How dare people EVER question a decision to have one child. I can understand asking "would you like any more/be having another?" but to then not accept whatever answer you give is just downright rude.

Onlys are NOT lonelies. A lonely child can be one of many, one on it's own or just intrinsically 'introverted' no matter how many siblings. And as for having more children to bear the burden of us as eldery adults, well, frankly, that is the most ridiculous excuse to have more than one.
I am very cross.

Sorry for the rant!

I got asked the other day when we were going to have a sibling for DD by the plumber. I just said 'you can't always plan these things' and he scuttled off to harrangue DH, who said something along the lines of 'why bother, we've got the best one already'. I find it stressful preparing myself to be asked, although it's only happened a few times, and figure if anyone presses it then they'll have to hear about the year of waiting for follow up tests for abnormal smear results last year and the miscarriage this year. Boo-yah! By which I mean, 'leave me a alone.'

I don't think wanting another baby as a sibling is all that awful really. It might be a motivation, but it's no more abstract or weird than the motivation to have the first one, and once it's born you start to love it and bond with it as a person in itself, rather than just an extra plaything for your 'real' child.