Feel totally alone in decision to stick to one

[MindySimmons]

My gorgeous dd is almost 4 and a half and my decision to have one has been playing on my mind. No broodiness, no yearning for another but I know of no one else in rl who has chosen to have one and starting to feel like a failure.

My dh has said he doesn't mind either way which I think he feels is being helpful but doesn't really help at all. He hasvlt health issues which can result in stays in hospital and he says himself he doesn't think he could do anymore than he does now. I run a business to try and keep things stable money wise and I do lion share of the parenting really. I feel like the 3 of us work really well but also recognise how much dd relishes the company of other children. It's a decision that I know once made cannot be undone and want to do the best for my family more than anything else - just not sure what that is!

You should not have to explain yourself to anyone. You make your decision based on what's right for you and your family. I actually have 3 and I'm pg with my 4th. Around here everyone seems to just have 2 and I also get funny looks. I am not really a maternal person but wanted the buzz of a big family. However, it's all six of one etc because although I see everyday how much DS (my first) benefits from having siblings I also know that he would have been a perfectly happy, well adjusted 'only' had we decided to stop there. In fact, in some ways my beautiful, shy boy would have benefitted more from being an only as he currently has 2 younger sisters who terrorise him daily.

My point is that you make your decisions based on what's right for your family and your child will be just fine, regardless.

I agree with the above. I have one, totally by choice. Hubbie and I always envisaged ourselves with 2 but once we had DD we decided our family was complete (luckily we both thought the same!).

So, DD (aged 6) has no siblings and no cousins and as a result spends lots of time with adults and time on her own too. We had a 90th birthday celebration in the family last autumn and there were 100 adults and her. She was absolutely fine and loved going from person to person showing them her party tricks and enchanting everyone.

Having said that, she mixes well with other children, has lots of friends and I often have a houseful of children and lots of sleepovers.

I don't think any amount of children is right or wrong, it's just what's right for you and your family.

I am perfectly happy with just one DS (8yo) and never had any desire to have more. DH is the same. I know several families like ours. There are advantages to having just one: days outs are easier to plan, your disposable income is higher and therefore less to worry, child becomes used to enjoying his own company (which can be useful later in life), amongst others.

We have always just wanted one, in fact DH took some convincing to have one and the deal was we would stop there. Then it took 3 years until I was 39 to get pregnant, (our DD is now 8 weeks old) so that has added further weight. I am quite surprised at how people assume we will have another one but then i suppose it is the norm. it never occurred to me to feel like I was 'denying' her siblings or being a bad parent. I think there are pros and cons to all types of families and I plan on her spending enough time with other children that she will learn those social skills like sharing but she will benefit from our undivided attention at home. My only reservation is that as we are older she might have to deal with our deaths without the support of a sibling at quite a young age but I am hoping that's a long way off and she will have the support of our extended family and her own family and freinds by that time.

I wanted to have 3. But I had a rough pregnancy and decided that I couldn't do it again.

Also DS was not an easy baby. He is now 3.5 and a lovely wee soul. If I could magic up another 3 year old I would! But I just couldn't face being pregnant again (and I would miss a year of his amazing life, essentially) so we will just stick at one.

Incidentally, I am an only, and I found when I had to get guardianship for my father when he developed dementia that being the only one does have advantages in that situation. When you make a decision the decision is made. You don't have to have endless agonising discussions with your siblings. Especially if you have a sibling who likes to postulate but not to take action. (DH has one of those, I don't look forward to the phone calls between him and BIL if the PIL ever need to go into care)

I have been called all sorts because DD is a singleton by choice. She is 22 months and whilst we can never know what the future holds at the moment we are very happy being a family of 3.

We live out in the country and we are definitely in the minority compared to city dwelling friends.

We have 2 year old DD, and have decided to stick at one child, and are happy with that. I do feel a bit of an oddity though as so many of the couples we know who had first babies the same year as us are either expecting their second or have already had a second child.

I really don't want to have another baby but feel a bit strange at not wanting to, sort of out-of-step with everyone else. As I'm 41 I'm hoping the questions will die down eventually...

Gosh, this is all so familiar, thanks for starting the thread. My son is 18 months, so people seem to expect we're thinking about number 2, when the truth is neither my husband or I really know whether we want another one. Certainly not yet. I think the fact that at 18 months ds still rarely sleeps through the night is a big factor in our reluctance! I definitely think that people who had 'easy' babies first time round don't really get why those of us who had harder times for whatever reason (though still obviously love our sprogs to bits) will settle for one.

Also I'm an only child and have never felt I missed out.

And I can share (unless it's cake)

Well you are only human WMummy and your reluctance to share has no correlation with being an only child! As one of four, I would fight to the bitter end for the last slice of coffee and walnut!

What I find really interesting is that 2 is seen as the absolute normal and many times I have overheard quite blunt comments on anything but, be it sticking to one or having 3 or more (when discussing this at the school gates, a couple of other mums of 3 have said they have been asked on more than one occasion if it was a mistake! So inappropriate nosy comments are not the domain of just the one child family!)

As time goes on, I feel more and more comfortable although it's tough when dd is the only child in her class without siblings.

Hello ladies,

It's lovely to read all your messages of support - I feel very much the same as MindySimmons (see thread bad experience with first child - any one else feel the same?) so it's comforting to read all of your responses. I'm still not feeling comfortable with my feelings but the guilt is easing a little on reading your msgs - it's really good to find out that I'm not alone ...

How sad that we should feel guilty because of what society expects/deems "normal" - after all, no one else can truly understand what another person has experienced so it is unfair for others to judge. I try to make myself feel better with the knowledge that although all of DS's friends have got siblings or another on the way, none of the parents had the birth/early baby experience that I did and they all have alot more familial support which must make parenting an easier experience ...

Blessings to Mumsnet for making us all feel a bit more normal!!!