Why do people feel guilty for not giving their child a sibling?

[poshsinglemum]

I think dd might be the only one but afetr having a relationship with my sis I just don't get it when people sya they feel guilty for not giving their child a sibling.

Or am I trying to make myself feel better? I would love lots of babies but I'm not sure that's going to happen.

DD is 4 now and to be honest I think she'll remain an only child due to the trauma of her arrival.

She was prem (only 34 +6) but I've never gotten over everything and was affected very badly by post natal depression which has never quite subsided.

I'm an only child, my grandparents both died quite young, my father has died, and the minute my mum (knock on wood) goes I'll be on my own, and with that no one to talk about my past, or to take comfort in, which is a shame as I don't really have any friends. My mum and her sister are incredibly close to one another and it's so heart warming to see them.

I really do feel guilty but I don't think I can bring myself to have another child :(

I used to feel guilty about my DD being an only child but being on my own there wasn't really any other option.

Now my DD has the best of both worlds. My ex now has a child with his new partner so , in DD's words, I have a DS at Dads and I'm an only child at home - can't complain.

My dcs are mixed race. My dh (who is also mixed race) said how he never felt a sense of identity with any ethnic group. So in a sense, the family is the anchor.

That would have been my reason for having ds. Now that I see how dd and ds get along like a house on fire, the sibling relationship is quite special and distinct from any other they will have.

why do people feel guilty about soooo many things around raising a child. coz we're human I guess . We would like our child's life to be "perfect" what ever our unconscious idea of perfect mey be.
For some thats being part of a sibling group, for others its being allowed to make mud pies and climb trees or having a calm parent who never shouts.

"It wrenches my guts that i have been unable to have another child, its the unfairness of it and it makes me feel desperately sad."

Reading that Brokeoven, I think it's clear that it's yourself you feel sorry for rather than your son.

You need to deal with these feelings and move on. You also need to accept the fact that your son will not be "going through life alone" - it's complete nonsense to think that just because people have siblings they are always happy and jolly and no one with siblings ever feels lonely in life. What a naive and simplistic take on reality that is!

You seriously need to get a grip because the worst thing you can do is to wallow in these self pitying feelings of sadness and disappointment and transfer your own negative thoughts onto your son of how awful and blighted his life will be without siblings.

My dd is nearly 5 and is almost never lonely. We have kids here loads, too much possibly. She has 4 cousins, 2 of whom she sees weekly.
I am infertile but kind of happy enough not to have another. I know my parents were hugely stressed by my brother's challenging behaviour and didn't get hugely involved in my life in a positive way. I think I would have been parented better as an only, and I know I am a better mother for being more relaxed and having time for myself as well as DD.

I have one dd aged 11. I don't feel any guilt whatsoever. She has never wanted a sibling and is a very happy child.

I am not sure if people do feel guilty about this or if they are just giving voice to other negative feelings about their situation in a way they think is more acceptable?

Genevieve - you clearly have not suffered from secondary infertility, i think you have been somewhat dismissive and hard on Brokeoven, i find your post upsetting and it made me angry. just because she posted her feelings from her heart does not mean she walks around her home openly airing her pain and despair. I am infertile and am unable to have anymore children. Dismissive judgemental comments like yours have been common place and have not helped my quest over the last 6 years to have another child although i have stopped ttc now.

I do not and tbh have rarely felt any guilt about not being able to have another, but sadness at times yes ie when on holiday and dd is on the beach on her own looking longingly at siblings playing happily together. Having said that, i absoluately adore what the three of us have, we have a fantastic life together. dd is an incredibly happy contented child. i have a sister who i have never liked as horrible as that sounds, i am sure she feels the same and we thus rarely see each other so i may as well be an 'only'. i don't like being told how i should or shouldn't be feeling by someone who has their fertility/has a choice. my dd knows i wanted another child and observed me going through fertility treatments ie injections all of which she found most interesting....enjoyed obseving it. she'll not resent me when she gets older if at some point she regretted not having a sibling as she knows i tried to have one. rambling....i know

brokeoven - i really felt your sadness when i read your post, i in part know how you feel although i don't feel the same about the sadness about my dd not having a sibling, she's doing just fine without, if not better in some ways. but i do get your sadness. i have moved on and in a way have found piece now i am nolonger ttc, i think it was 'hope' (that i nolonger have) that was doing my head (and heart) in. contrary to what one poster seems to think, my dd doesn't know of the pain i have carried around as my crying sessions tended to be when she wasn't around and i didn't talk about my desperation when ttc. she did observe two treatments i had but she found this exciting and interesting which i guess it was, i look back at those days as life enhancing experiences....may as well dwell on the period of my life as something positive :) i hope things work out for you and if you don't get your oven fixed, things can still be great

When I take my 2 DC to play at an only child friends, I do feel sad for my friend, because I see her watching siblings interact and I know she would love that for her DC. No way would I think that someone should feel guilty about not 'providing' a sibling.

sorry ladies, i have just re read my post and the bit where is said about my dd not resenting me for having one. i wasn't very clear in what i meant and was responding to something i read somewhere around here (cannot remember by whom) about their HATING being an only child. i think the point i was trying to make was that i didn't try for another because i thought my child would resent me had i not have. i don't think children resent their parents for only having one if they didn't enjoy their childhood. the decision is the mothers/parents alone and if the child had a miserable childhood, then they will if able probably go on to have lots of their own kids when they are older. my dd does get a bit of grief from other kids because they know she has no siblings which is a bit of novelty at her school. but she has a ball really, we hang out and do stupid things (dh and i are really laid back and quite childish unlike alot of the other mothers who to be seem a bit, well more grown up and straight). we don't over endulge her though, she doesn't behave in a way that alot of mothers of more than one would expect a one child to behave......she is not spoilt and is without social problems, she is very sociable and confident. i hate the way i know they fell pity for me, they didn't know i was trying for another, outwardly i come across as being very confident and a bit 'out there'. sorry, i know i am going off at a tangent, really hormonal/peri menopausal.....

I feel guilty, and it was my own choice. I just don't feel like having any more. I feel guilty because I cannot face having another one and becasue of that am depriving him this family bond, not give him those incredibly happy play times (the ones I had as a child with my sisters, even though we are not very close now) and for not giving him a sibling to take big family decisions with (what to buy for mums birthday, should she go in a nursery home etc.).

I think the guilty or not depends also on your child. DS (6) never asks for siblings, but he so clearly craves the company of other children, and most of our friends are a bit older so have children much older, which doesn't help. To compensate I try and find friends for him (eg by arranging lots of play dates). A friend of mine has an only who happily plays on her own for days.

All the fun I had with my sisters...they were just much 'safer' to play with than friends, and we had a huge amount of our own games outsiders would never get. Play was always fun (and fighting too).

I don't feel guilty
My dd is 11 and has never wanted a sibling

I think everyone is different and can only speak from my own experience. I am an only child and I longed, longed for a sibling. When my Dad died I arranged his funeral on on my own and had no one to share how it felt to lose him. When my friends Dad died she and her three sisters arranged it between them, shared memories of him and I think that was a great support. I have no one who has always known me (apart from my Mum) and it when I listen to my dh talk to his brother about their childhood holidays it does make me a little sad. I was determined not to repeat this experience for any children that I would have.

However, my children fight like cat and dog!! But I know when I die they will have each other and I think people with siblings do take these relationships for granted. Of course some siblings do not get on, fall out, never speak again.

People are so different and I think its totally up to the individual what to do with their lives.

I would love to have more than an only - I'm an only child and when my dad walked out on my mum and I his side of the family (all cousins on that side) pretty much cut contact with us and he hasn't been in touch with us since - 20 years ago. So when my mum goes, I'm on my tod with absolutely no family in the world. I'm 32 btw. So that colours your perspective as well - and depending on who you have children with you could have very close cousins, or none at all. And thats still no guarantee they will be there for each other.

I feel guilty because I had a happy childhood with a sibling who is fairly close in age and I think it's human nature to (often, not always) have a picture of a "family" that echoes your own experience.

However, circumstances beyond my control have decreed that this will not happen. The smallest possible gap between ds and any sibling would now be over 5 years so his experience will inevitably be different from my own and I'm coming to terms with that - in some ways I feel like I'm coming out the other side.

No need to feel guilty about it. I imagine that the benefits of being an only can much more than outweigh the drawbacks.
That said, I would be afraid of excess burden on DC if one of them had been an only, in the event of me becoming elderly & frail, for instance. I have had friends who were onlies and they seemed to worry much more about their single elderly parents than I could ever imagine me feeling. Yet I now have a bit of this myself (my dad is becoming frail & I am the only responsible sibling left). In contrast, my dad's even more frail mother has 6 children and endless grandchildren to look out for her.

My 4 DC fight like ferrets in a bag, couldn't recommend it to anybody, lol.

Crikey O'Reilly! I've just read this whole post and there is a lot of emotion going on!

I'm reading this very good book called "Parenting an Only Child" by Susan Newman. I am big into research. When I can't figure something out or have no experience, I start researching. I came across this book and within a few pages, it was like someone giving me a very big hug.

I haven't chosen to only have one child, but that is just the path life has taken. I always dreamed of having four but my reality is so completely different and I am still in the process of wrapping my head around it.

I think those of us who have siblings really can not compute what it's like to not to have them, whether we are close or not. My DH claims to be an only because his sisters are 12 and 14 yrs older, however they have had and continue to have a huge influence on him whether he likes it or not.

As for my DD, well, she's as happy as can be. Having recently lost my MIL, my SILs have lent on my DH for support but have not offered him any emotional support at all. His cousins are brothers who never speak because they have nothing in common now, so don't reminisce at all and both their parents have been gone for a number of years.

I had a very interesting conversation regarding donor eggs and IVF with a specialist who asked why I was investigating. I, like a lot of ladies on this board, said that I didn't want my DD to be alone, I wanted her to have a companion through life. This lady very blatantly told me to rethink. The only reason women should have children, no matter how many, is because they want the children, they crave having the children, not as playmates for their existing child. I suppose because it is so far more complicated for me to have another, I analyse my motivation to make sure I am going down this stressful path for the right reason. I feel, at this point, that it would be very unfair on a no2 to bring it into the world for the sake of DD. I am absolutely positive I would adore the child but am I that desperate for another, to put DH, DD and I through all that heartache and stress? In a word, no.

Sometimes, God knows best. I am coming to realise that I am the best Mum I can be for DD now with just her. Would I be able to cope with two? Would I be as good a Mum for the second? DH stresses me out when he nags for my attention. Am I ready to change my love affair with DD now? The answer to all these questions are no, if I'm brutally honest. We've managed to create a beautiful family as we are and I'm ready to accept that is just the way it's meant to be.

As a generation, we are fed the idea that a family is two parents and two kids. We're brainwashed with it. We think onlies are lonely and that they will be alone without siblings. We're wrong. In today's society where people move away from families (mine live in Italy), we create urban families. I know that mine have been my main support for the last 15 years with my real family, and sister, dipping in and out when it suits. I don't think my DD will suffer in any way. It's up to us as her parents to raise her to be a self-confident, independent little spirit who knows how to nurture her relationships with others. I know myself that I love my friends as much as my family and there are key people I could not live without.

Everyone makes out that being without siblings is a tragedy and they continue to give DD funny looks when I say she's an only, I almost tell them I can't have any more to make them feel bad. Quite simply, who are they to judge? We do what's right for our family and, sometimes, we accept the hand we're dealt and get on with it. My DD is very much loved and that will be enough. She doesn't have siblings but she will have so many other benefits from being an only.

Sorry to have gone on but I feel like I've bottled this up and, finally, have somewhere to put it down. I have not always felt like this but in the last couple of weeks, I've started to put the pieces into place and I'm realising that actually, I am very blessed and there is no guilt. We're doing the best we can and that is good enough.

Here endeth the lesson. ;-)

Good grief. Just re read my post. I'm sorry if it comes off as aggressive in any way. I was having to type quickly as the pizza had just arrived! :0

These have been my recent thoughts and I have really wrestled with this issue. What I have come to conclude about it all, and I only say this because I want to offer some support, is I could spend the next ten years beating myself up and worrying about the detrimental affect that having no siblings is going to have on my DD and, in the process, these feelings would impact the kind of mother I am, guilt ridden and always feeling sorry for her.

Or I can decide that life has worked out the way it was meant to be for me, DH and her, that I am blessed to have my beautiful DD (because that whole journey was long and painful) and I can believe that being an only is different for me because I am not an only. Different, NOT less.

DD is truly loved and cherished. She will not be spoilt, she will learn how to share, she will learn how to respect and she will learn how to love herself and others. These are the greatest gifts I could give her. And as she's an only, I can spend the time with her to make sure she learns them.

I'm a wife and a mother and we are a family of three and that is good enough, finally. Simple. Fact.

I hope I've helped.

Take care xxxx

Great post RunningMinxie.

You're so right about having children for their own sake and not just because you don't want an "only".

It's difficult to change that picture in your head of what your family "should" look like, but my family is great just the way it is too.

Everything you said is stuff that I've been thinking a lot about recently and it's helping me to make peace with what I have.

It depends on the DC-mine was often in tears because he hated being an only, I didn't feel guilty because there was nothing I could do about it but it was upsetting. However other DCs are quite happy and I know some who deeply resent a sibling.

RunningMinxie, what a fantastic post. The sction on being the best mum you can be and the relationship you already have with dd and dh really resonates with me. I find this area of Mumsnet to often be the support I need to feel that I am not some sort of mothering failure (in a small town full of 3dc plus!) and as every year goes by, feel even happier with the life we have.

Looked after my best friend's dd aged 3 and ds aged 18mths at the weekend, so 3 kids under 5 for the day reminded me how I am most definitely a better mum of 1 . The moment I had to do an instant risk assessment in the park with mine stuck half way up a climbing wall, friend's dd wanting to get off the swing and friends ds trying to escape was very much a confirmation!

RunningMinxie - thank you so much for your post. It's really affirming and I've already returned to read it again a few times as it helps clear my head.