only by choice- what are your reasons?

[cherrycat]

Hi I am new to this board and have just enjoyed reading many previous posts.

My DD is 21 months and I am very happy with my choice to have one. I was wondering if you have an only by choice what your thoughts and reasons are behind having one child?

I have many reasons for wanting just one....
fiances, childcare, me time, work etc etc.....having a second holds no appeal to me as my life just seems about manageable with the one I have. I love my DD so much and really enjoy motherhood but I remember the dreadful all day sickness for half of the pregnancy... crash emergency c-section under GA after labouring so fast that DD had the cord around the neck...recovering from the bloody section...the exhaustion and long dark days and nights of a newborn in winter...colic....ewwwww!! Never again!

Interested to hear your reasons for having an only by choice.....

[squizita]

Mine's an interesting one. Health. Not fertility but health.

I know a couple of people with life long illness and 2 kids and they have to make huge choices eg give up work whereas I can just about cope (I have an auto immune condition, joint and back problems that are linked and anxiety/ptsd type symptoms from various things including recurrent MC). What if my joints were ruined or the growth on my thyroid came back (drip feed sorry) and I had 2!?!

Also I am phobic about another miscarriage - which is a 40-50% risk even with medication and additional care.

[hilbobaggins]

Hey, what a great thread! I realised halfway through that it's a few years old but it's given me a real boost.

I never wanted kids and relished my child free status for years but suddenly changed my mind at 41. I was single and felt pretty hopeless about the whole situation but then suddenly met DP at 42, got pregnant at 43 and had miracle DS at 44. He's now 4.

So my age would obviously be an impediment to another baby (although a friend just announced her 2nd pregnancy at 49!) but I really, really don't want another. I'm delighted and grateful to have had the experience of being a parent, but for me it's very much the same as being delighted that I've had the experience of living abroad, or trying a new career. I just don't need to have that same experience again. DS is funny and interesting and I love him to bits, but I also like to have some money and the time to do my own thing from time to time.

This thread has really lifted me because I'm finding that some people seem to pity me and/or DS and it really pisses me off.

[ChocolatePHD]

Before we had ds we both knew we only wanted one. For a number of reasons:

• I had a terrible traumatic childhood and I want to devote myself entirely to ds to do this right.
  
• I love the dynamic of just the three of us, it's so lovely and we can give him our full attention.
  
• everyone else I know with more than one child spends a huge amount of time separating bickering kids, feeling shattered or not having a second to think straight.
  
• the birth of ds was extremely frightening and I could never go through that again.
  
• and we had traumatic years during babyhood, lots of allergies, croup, inhalers and midnight a&e trips.
  
• but most of all I love my boy more than everything else in the world combined. He is perfect. And I don't want to have to divide my time between him and another child. I just want to be his mum.

[Fortunatepiggy]

This is great I'm really struggling with a decision to stay with one and it's helped to read other people's reasons

Before I was sure I wanted two, now I do not know. My rational head says that we have been really lucky all in all so we do not want to risk it again. But I am VERY afraid that few years down the line I will regret it, and it will be too late...

But this worries me . I am 40 so last chance saloon. This thread is 7 years old now. Did anyone change their mind or regret their decision?

[bookworm14]

Great thread. I have one DD aged nearly 2 and while we're not 100 percent certain we're stopping at one, it's very likely. Reasons are:

• I have a chronic health condition which is likely to require major surgery in the next few years. It's currently kept under control with medication which is not (I don't think) compatible with pregnancy.
  

• We would have to move house to accommodate another baby, which would mean leaving our current area as we couldn't afford a bigger house here.
  

• Both DH and I are introverts and love our sleep and down time. We manage pretty well with DD but I know it would be a lot harder to get time to ourselves with more than one child.
  

• I developed borderline PND as a result of sleep deprivation when DD was small. The thought of going through that again fills me with horror.
  

• I am 35 now and wouldn't realistically have another baby until I was 36 or 37. The risk of disabilities increases with maternal age, and as I have a sibling with severe learning disabilities I know that I would struggle to cope with a severely disabled child. I'm not proud of this; it's just how it is.
  

I do worry that DD will resent us for not giving her a sibling, though...

[Fortunatepiggy]

Bumping this out of interest

Did anyone change their mind or regret their decision to stick with one?

This is great I'm really struggling with a decision to stay with one and it's helped to read other people's reasons

Before I was sure I wanted two, now I do not know. My rational head says that we have been really lucky all in all so we do not want to risk it again. But I am VERY afraid that few years down the line I will regret it, and it will be too late...

But this worries me . I am 40 so last chance saloon.

[Fortunatepiggy]

Have been thinking about this and am now pretty sure we will stick with one child and not try for any more. It was my ds last day at nursery today though and felt a bit of a wobble!My 40 year old reproductive organs are prob giving me a nudge ...now or never!

[brokencuttlerydraw]

Older Mum..successful IVF, then morning sickness so terrible i couldn't work for months (self employed= utterly broke), back pain from hell - prescribed painkillers, then heart problems out of the blue, then 17 days overdue no sign of baby, with all the induction drugs they could give still no change so I ended up having a C Section. Delivering a giant baby not far short of 11IBs. Cried with the wailing deep voice of a teenager and was about the same size - fitted nothing i had bought. So heavy I could hardly carry the car cot jobby my wrists swelled up like a baboons bottom and were sore as hell. Am i having another? No ta. It was the only thing that got me through the sickness promising i'd never put myself through it again. Am I pleased I did it? Yes, took time to fathom but i've found great happiness. But no more - cheers.

[goldenbrownio]

I totally relate. I've never had any desire for another. My child is amazing and I love her to bits, but i also find it very hard work. I also nearly died in labour,everything that could go wrong, did. I'm also skint!

[goldenbrownio]

You really don't have to explain your reasons to anyone though. You don't want anymore is a good enough answer, people shouldn't even ask why.

[Bubwiser]

Up until last year, I had always planned to have two children, ideally a boy and a girl. All of my relatives and parents' friends had two+ children and I ridiculously thought that all parents naturally wanted at least two children, and those who only had one child probably had trouble conceiving a second.

Then sometime last year, I was chatting to my colleague about our kids. She had a DD who was 2 at the time, and I asked her when she was planning to try for another baby. She replied she didn't plan a second because she really wasn't that into children. It was like a light went on in my head as it dawned on me that I wasn't into kids neither! I mean, I love my DS dearly but I've never really enjoyed interacting with other people's kids.

Since then, I've been super happy with my decision to stick with the one. I can focus all my attention and resources on my DS alone, and won't have to feel any guilt over - or risk being accused of - favoritism (something that troubled me greatly in my teens as my brother was clearly my mum's favourite).

My DS is almost 5 now, and is becoming more and more independent with each passing day so I get to reclaim a bit of "me" time for myself. My DH would love to have a DD but I also think he's secretly relieved that we won't have to go through the newborn phase again.

[museumum]

I always thought I'd want two but now ds is 4 I have no urge at all for another. I'm not close to my brother, dh is happy with one and I really really hate refereeing bickering. If we had another it would be purely because we feel we "should" or contraceptive failure (I'm not so against it that I'd terminate).

When people talk of the joy of having a sibling it's nothing like my experience. My brother is nothing terrible but also we have nothing in common and no bond.

[SezziBaybee]

Sorry to dredge up a zombie thread but., did you all stick at One? Xx

[inapickleoverthis]

No

I'm still dithering ..prob too late now

[SezziBaybee]

Thanks for replying inapickle. I think we’re pretty set now, I just get those fleeting moments of doubt! X

[inapickleoverthis]

Sezzibabybee set to stick at one or try again?

[Cath2907]

I wanted 2 (hubby and I have a sibling each). We started trying with me expecting to fall pregnant within 6 month. Fast forward 2 years of stress and frustration and finally I caught. Then we went for the 12 week scan and the baby had died at 7 weeks. I was absolutely distraught. We got pregnant again pretty quickly but it was spoiled and I was convinced it would go wrong. Finally gave birth to a baby girl who developed reflux at 3 weeks and no-longer slept. We spent months back and forth to GPs and peadiatricians and dieticians to try and get her enough help to get everyone some sleep but it was never enough.
She finally grew out of the reflux around 18 months and we worked so hard to get some sort of a sleep routine with her. By the time she was 2 I was only getting up 3 times per night.

Then we started talking about TTC #2. After all you need them not too far apart and it had taken nearly 4 years from starting TTC#1 until we had a baby to hold. We tried for about 3 months and it was awful. We were still exhausted and grumpy and all that TTC frustration and self-hatred flooded back and one day DH said he didn't really think he wanted another baby.......................................

The relief was immense - we could stop. We said we'd not have any more but that we'd review after 6 months. I read lots of books and forums and all sorts and constantly second guessed the decision.
After 6 months we started telling family that there would be no more kids (that wasn't a popular decision). After 12 months I started disposing of baby stuff and it was like my heart got lighter at every baby thing I threw away. Then my sister got pregnant with her#2 and it was fine. I wasn't jealous and when my nephew was born it confirmed everything I already knew - I don't like babies and I don't want another.

Fast forward to now. DD is 7 in a fortnight. She is lovely, funny, popular, artistic and a proper cuddle monster. She has no interest in a sibling but we are getting a dog shortly. We spend family holidays (like Xmas and birthdays) with her cousins on my side or on DHs side.

We made the right decision for us and I no longer ever second guess. I love my little only and am very confident she is not at all lonely!

[Mouni]

I'm 26 young,healthy, don't work , people who support and baby sit, financially very stable ,great fun during pregnancy and normal easy delivery....my DD is 2 now...yet the thought of second child is appalling..I never wanted to and never will... I'm the most amazing mom now...quality reduces with quantity. So with one our little family is super awesome...and I'm worried about carbon footprint a mammoth of diaper waste and all stuff...with one ibcan grow organic and feed my baby good food.. with two I'll not have patience for that ....I will give best ever to one rather than dilute things to two or more...it isn't worth it....

[ValancyRedfern]

The thought of going through the baby stage again is appalling to me. I have had depression most of my life but found whole new depths of utter despair with a newborn! It became a struggle just to keep myself from suicide. If another child could magically appear aged two then I might consider it but not otherwise. DD is 5 and an absolute goddess. As a friend said to me when I talked to her about this: 'focus on your masterpiece'!

[LottieBalloo]

My boy is enough. No one could ever compare to him, so why put ourselves through all.that madness again?! Seriously, I probably would consider it, but DH so upset about the stress of it and DS loves all our attention. We work so well as a 3. We still get asked when we're having another (ds is 4) but less so and we just smile and change the subject, happy in our decision to stop with one. We have fab global holidays, we travel, DH and I have great careers, DS has some asd traits as well so we want to be there just for him. I just cant see ant room in our lives for another child. I'm an only and I turned out alright!!

[GrannySquares]

My reasons:

• I've had 2 ectopic pregnancies, so my chances of having another is higher and I really don't want to go through the horrible process again
  *
  I have had a couple of miscarriages. Again, horrible and I don't want to put myself through it again
  
  I struggled during my pregnancy. I had severe anxiety and I also had other problems like funnelling cervix and risk of premature labour
  
  My other MAIN reasons other than the ones listed above:
  
  I love being able to just focus on one child only
  
  
• I cannot afford to have any more children
  *
  I want to focus and give my love to my DS and him only.
  
  I'm content and I am happy. He is my rainbow child and that is the way it will remain forever.

[littlemisscynical]

Anyone from beginning of thread change their minds about having an "only"? God I'm sick of people asking me "when" I'll have number two. DS is only 17 months ffs

[MissB83]

Practical reasons mainly. I'm a lone parent who also works and don't feel that I could financially, emotionally or practically cope with more than one child on my own. DS was a happy accident and I'm grateful and happy to have him! I also found birth and the newborn stage very hard.

[squeekums]

My reasons,
I hated being pregnant, even though I was so straight forward I didn't even know till 27 weeks. I was actually never gunna have kids
Birth was textbook but was treated so badly by staff that I never wanna be at their mercy again. They viewed me as merely an incubator. My rights or feelings didn't matter, I was abused, belittled, threatened.
I didn't cope with newborn or toddler stage. It mentally destroyed me.
I need me time, with one I get that. Even dd likes quiet and recharge time after an afternoon at her cousins.
We don't have room as I won't give up my WWE/AFL merchandise room
Mentally me and dp wouldn't cope with a 2nd, that's not fair on dd. I have anxiety and dp has PTSD so we already struggle some days
Money, we can give dd so much more as an only
I have a sibling, dp has 2. I don't speak to mine, he only speaks to one of his, there no guarantee they get along

If dp had his way we would have at least 2 lol. I've told him when he advances science and can gestate and birth, risking his life and wellbeing, then go right ahead, you have a baby.
Oddly he in no rush to advance science, donate to research

[squeekums]

@littlemisscynical i was told the day dd was born id change my mind and soon want a 2nd, was told when she was 123456789...... you get the picture. By everyone too, from MIL, friends, strangers, the Dr, everyone
DD is now 9 years old and I'm still set as ever on no more