only by choice- what are your reasons?

[cherrycat]

Hi I am new to this board and have just enjoyed reading many previous posts.

My DD is 21 months and I am very happy with my choice to have one. I was wondering if you have an only by choice what your thoughts and reasons are behind having one child?

I have many reasons for wanting just one....
fiances, childcare, me time, work etc etc.....having a second holds no appeal to me as my life just seems about manageable with the one I have. I love my DD so much and really enjoy motherhood but I remember the dreadful all day sickness for half of the pregnancy... crash emergency c-section under GA after labouring so fast that DD had the cord around the neck...recovering from the bloody section...the exhaustion and long dark days and nights of a newborn in winter...colic....ewwwww!! Never again!

Interested to hear your reasons for having an only by choice.....

[Yesterdayforgotten]

'E.g. all the extra hard work, the bigger car, more and more kit, weaning again, sleepless nights again and I wonder, does having 2 make all this extra hassle worthwhile? And I don't think it will.'

I'll remember this when I get upset over not having a third. I know I don't want a 3rd child but at the same time how do you turn off the biological urge and clock ticking thoughts!! I have 2 dc and I know I cannot have a 3rd for so many reasons.

[Gobbycop]

We became parents recently a bit later in life, I'm 43 my Mrs is 40.

We have a beautiful 10 week old boy.

Our reasons are due to being a bit older risk goes up ect, I was already worrying things might go wrong.
So these worries may be irrational but we're very happy where we are with one.
Both of us were only children as well so maybe it's fate.

We can focus all our efforts into giving him the best life we can.

[BooseysMom]

Yes, def feeling the tiredness too. It gets worse as you get older and i know it's too late for another dc. People keep telling me it doesn't ever leave you, the maternal broody feelings, and i tbh don't want to know! I do miss the baby years too but know i don't want to do it all again. I havent the energy!

[McCanne]

My sanity.

My dd starts school this year and I haven’t changed my mind about not having any more, despite people telling me I’d change my mind. I mean I miss her being a baby but that moony broodiness can co-exist with rationally knowing I don’t want any more.


I’m tired, so tired.

[MsMooi]

A mum of 1 and don't think this is something bad. I am the only child myself because of the China's policy and I didn't feel lonely at all (not saying the policy itself is good)

I love my life as how it is. Let's be honest the first a few years were hard and just don't want to do it all over again 🙈

[BooseysMom]

@littlemisscynical.. Haven't read the whole thread but your last post rang true with me as i was told the same and DS was only a few weeks old! DS is now 6 and i really don't want any more either. DH does but we're not in any position to have one. Then i read another thread which ii wanted to post on but just couldn't bring myself to. It was about the fear of something happening to your only. I wish i had never read that But there are no guarantees in life and that's what we all live with. We must try to be content with what we have and count our blessings x

[squeekums]

@littlemisscynical i was told the day dd was born id change my mind and soon want a 2nd, was told when she was 123456789...... you get the picture. By everyone too, from MIL, friends, strangers, the Dr, everyone
DD is now 9 years old and I'm still set as ever on no more

[squeekums]

My reasons,
I hated being pregnant, even though I was so straight forward I didn't even know till 27 weeks. I was actually never gunna have kids
Birth was textbook but was treated so badly by staff that I never wanna be at their mercy again. They viewed me as merely an incubator. My rights or feelings didn't matter, I was abused, belittled, threatened.
I didn't cope with newborn or toddler stage. It mentally destroyed me.
I need me time, with one I get that. Even dd likes quiet and recharge time after an afternoon at her cousins.
We don't have room as I won't give up my WWE/AFL merchandise room
Mentally me and dp wouldn't cope with a 2nd, that's not fair on dd. I have anxiety and dp has PTSD so we already struggle some days
Money, we can give dd so much more as an only
I have a sibling, dp has 2. I don't speak to mine, he only speaks to one of his, there no guarantee they get along

If dp had his way we would have at least 2 lol. I've told him when he advances science and can gestate and birth, risking his life and wellbeing, then go right ahead, you have a baby.
Oddly he in no rush to advance science, donate to research

[MissB83]

Practical reasons mainly. I'm a lone parent who also works and don't feel that I could financially, emotionally or practically cope with more than one child on my own. DS was a happy accident and I'm grateful and happy to have him! I also found birth and the newborn stage very hard.

[littlemisscynical]

Anyone from beginning of thread change their minds about having an "only"? God I'm sick of people asking me "when" I'll have number two. DS is only 17 months ffs

[GrannySquares]

My reasons:

• I've had 2 ectopic pregnancies, so my chances of having another is higher and I really don't want to go through the horrible process again
  *
  I have had a couple of miscarriages. Again, horrible and I don't want to put myself through it again
  
  I struggled during my pregnancy. I had severe anxiety and I also had other problems like funnelling cervix and risk of premature labour
  
  My other MAIN reasons other than the ones listed above:
  
  I love being able to just focus on one child only
  
  
• I cannot afford to have any more children
  *
  I want to focus and give my love to my DS and him only.
  
  I'm content and I am happy. He is my rainbow child and that is the way it will remain forever.

[LottieBalloo]

My boy is enough. No one could ever compare to him, so why put ourselves through all.that madness again?! Seriously, I probably would consider it, but DH so upset about the stress of it and DS loves all our attention. We work so well as a 3. We still get asked when we're having another (ds is 4) but less so and we just smile and change the subject, happy in our decision to stop with one. We have fab global holidays, we travel, DH and I have great careers, DS has some asd traits as well so we want to be there just for him. I just cant see ant room in our lives for another child. I'm an only and I turned out alright!!

[ValancyRedfern]

The thought of going through the baby stage again is appalling to me. I have had depression most of my life but found whole new depths of utter despair with a newborn! It became a struggle just to keep myself from suicide. If another child could magically appear aged two then I might consider it but not otherwise. DD is 5 and an absolute goddess. As a friend said to me when I talked to her about this: 'focus on your masterpiece'!

[Mouni]

I'm 26 young,healthy, don't work , people who support and baby sit, financially very stable ,great fun during pregnancy and normal easy delivery....my DD is 2 now...yet the thought of second child is appalling..I never wanted to and never will... I'm the most amazing mom now...quality reduces with quantity. So with one our little family is super awesome...and I'm worried about carbon footprint a mammoth of diaper waste and all stuff...with one ibcan grow organic and feed my baby good food.. with two I'll not have patience for that ....I will give best ever to one rather than dilute things to two or more...it isn't worth it....

[Cath2907]

I wanted 2 (hubby and I have a sibling each). We started trying with me expecting to fall pregnant within 6 month. Fast forward 2 years of stress and frustration and finally I caught. Then we went for the 12 week scan and the baby had died at 7 weeks. I was absolutely distraught. We got pregnant again pretty quickly but it was spoiled and I was convinced it would go wrong. Finally gave birth to a baby girl who developed reflux at 3 weeks and no-longer slept. We spent months back and forth to GPs and peadiatricians and dieticians to try and get her enough help to get everyone some sleep but it was never enough.
She finally grew out of the reflux around 18 months and we worked so hard to get some sort of a sleep routine with her. By the time she was 2 I was only getting up 3 times per night.

Then we started talking about TTC #2. After all you need them not too far apart and it had taken nearly 4 years from starting TTC#1 until we had a baby to hold. We tried for about 3 months and it was awful. We were still exhausted and grumpy and all that TTC frustration and self-hatred flooded back and one day DH said he didn't really think he wanted another baby.......................................

The relief was immense - we could stop. We said we'd not have any more but that we'd review after 6 months. I read lots of books and forums and all sorts and constantly second guessed the decision.
After 6 months we started telling family that there would be no more kids (that wasn't a popular decision). After 12 months I started disposing of baby stuff and it was like my heart got lighter at every baby thing I threw away. Then my sister got pregnant with her#2 and it was fine. I wasn't jealous and when my nephew was born it confirmed everything I already knew - I don't like babies and I don't want another.

Fast forward to now. DD is 7 in a fortnight. She is lovely, funny, popular, artistic and a proper cuddle monster. She has no interest in a sibling but we are getting a dog shortly. We spend family holidays (like Xmas and birthdays) with her cousins on my side or on DHs side.

We made the right decision for us and I no longer ever second guess. I love my little only and am very confident she is not at all lonely!

[inapickleoverthis]

Sezzibabybee set to stick at one or try again?

[SezziBaybee]

Thanks for replying inapickle. I think we’re pretty set now, I just get those fleeting moments of doubt! X

[inapickleoverthis]

No

I'm still dithering ..prob too late now

[SezziBaybee]

Sorry to dredge up a zombie thread but., did you all stick at One? Xx

[museumum]

I always thought I'd want two but now ds is 4 I have no urge at all for another. I'm not close to my brother, dh is happy with one and I really really hate refereeing bickering. If we had another it would be purely because we feel we "should" or contraceptive failure (I'm not so against it that I'd terminate).

When people talk of the joy of having a sibling it's nothing like my experience. My brother is nothing terrible but also we have nothing in common and no bond.

[Bubwiser]

Up until last year, I had always planned to have two children, ideally a boy and a girl. All of my relatives and parents' friends had two+ children and I ridiculously thought that all parents naturally wanted at least two children, and those who only had one child probably had trouble conceiving a second.

Then sometime last year, I was chatting to my colleague about our kids. She had a DD who was 2 at the time, and I asked her when she was planning to try for another baby. She replied she didn't plan a second because she really wasn't that into children. It was like a light went on in my head as it dawned on me that I wasn't into kids neither! I mean, I love my DS dearly but I've never really enjoyed interacting with other people's kids.

Since then, I've been super happy with my decision to stick with the one. I can focus all my attention and resources on my DS alone, and won't have to feel any guilt over - or risk being accused of - favoritism (something that troubled me greatly in my teens as my brother was clearly my mum's favourite).

My DS is almost 5 now, and is becoming more and more independent with each passing day so I get to reclaim a bit of "me" time for myself. My DH would love to have a DD but I also think he's secretly relieved that we won't have to go through the newborn phase again.

[goldenbrownio]

You really don't have to explain your reasons to anyone though. You don't want anymore is a good enough answer, people shouldn't even ask why.

[goldenbrownio]

I totally relate. I've never had any desire for another. My child is amazing and I love her to bits, but i also find it very hard work. I also nearly died in labour,everything that could go wrong, did. I'm also skint!

[brokencuttlerydraw]

Older Mum..successful IVF, then morning sickness so terrible i couldn't work for months (self employed= utterly broke), back pain from hell - prescribed painkillers, then heart problems out of the blue, then 17 days overdue no sign of baby, with all the induction drugs they could give still no change so I ended up having a C Section. Delivering a giant baby not far short of 11IBs. Cried with the wailing deep voice of a teenager and was about the same size - fitted nothing i had bought. So heavy I could hardly carry the car cot jobby my wrists swelled up like a baboons bottom and were sore as hell. Am i having another? No ta. It was the only thing that got me through the sickness promising i'd never put myself through it again. Am I pleased I did it? Yes, took time to fathom but i've found great happiness. But no more - cheers.

[Fortunatepiggy]

Have been thinking about this and am now pretty sure we will stick with one child and not try for any more. It was my ds last day at nursery today though and felt a bit of a wobble!My 40 year old reproductive organs are prob giving me a nudge ...now or never!