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Nurseries

Find nursery advice from other Mumsnetters on our Nursery forum. For more guidance on early years development, sign up for Mumsnet Ages & Stages emails.

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Original poster

Experienced mums please help!

26 replies

bluejellybean · 30/09/2008 20:04

Help I feel like i'm drowning in guilt!

I have returned to work 3 days a week M,T,W. My mum and dad have been great and are caring for my 10month old 2 days a week. Here he is happy and settled. However it is the 3rd day that is causing problems and making me think more long term.......

The nursery is a large Sure Start Outstanding (Ofsted) nursery with super resources, however it is open plan and feels at times like maddness! I have arrived twice now without warning and come in to find a few things that have worried me, generally a very unorgaised envionment etc.Staff looking a bit distant etc

My baby cries when I leave and crys when I pick him up with a huge look of relief all over his face. His key worker has changed after just 6 weeks and most days he has been unsettled. I am also a bit worried that some of the children are very challeging, some from tough backgrounds and I don't want my baby copying this behaviour......I hate to sound a snob!

I had thought about moving him as soon as he is 2 1/2 to a pre-school as I was a bit worried about 2 settings, making school friends etc.

Am I being over the top, thinking to far ahead and just being a worrier like my husband thinks I am?

OP posts:

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maxineb · 30/09/2008 20:59

what u've got to think of is ur child is used to being with u, and not being left with total strangers, especially in a nursery environment with lots of other children. Being in childcare myself and having worked in a nursery and creche setting some children take longer to settle in than others, it won't happen over night. U need to give it time, if ur still not happy then do what u think is right.

cmotdibbler · 30/09/2008 21:03

If he only goes there one day a week, it is going to take him quite a while to settle, as he's pretty much forgotten all about it by the time he goes again.

Nurseries should look pretty disorganised imo - if the kids aren't running round madly in the older groups its not right.

Just leave it for now, and stop worrying about the future - its a long way off !

Original poster

bluejellybean · 30/09/2008 21:04

Would you send your own child to a nursery considering your experience, and if so what type?

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Janni · 30/09/2008 21:12

My DD is 3 and attends a day nursery where the children are looked after in rooms according to their ages, so the babies and the preschoolers would not be together. Is that what you're saying happens in the nursery your DS goes to?

I think young babies need a safe, predictable, secure environment above all else. It can be provided in a nursery setting, but the staff need to have really put the structures in place to enable it.

FairyMum · 30/09/2008 21:17

I have 4 children who are all or have all been to nursery. I would say it is normal to cry when you leave them and at pickup time. I have just gone back to work and left my baby with DH. Eventhough he is with Dh he cries when I leave and cries when I get home!. But you do need to go by your gut feel. Look at the other children in their care. Do they seem happy and settled? I personally think that a nursery should have a happy atmosphere. Yes, children sometimes cry, but you should walk in and see staff interacting with children, having some on their laps, children playing happily......Its difficult to describe, but I have been to some nurseries which sent shivers down my spine and some truly wonderful ones. I think if you don't feel right about this one, it might be time to trust your gut instinct!

LynetteScavo · 30/09/2008 21:18

I agree only going once a week can make it difficult for a little one to settle in at nursery.

The staff looking distant would worry me. I don't want to be agest, but are they very young, possibly bored?

Would you consider a childminder - that might make the transition to pre-school a bit easier.

Original poster

bluejellybean · 30/09/2008 21:46

Thanks so much for your thoughts. The open plan setting means 0-3 year olds are all together, and I agree that once a week if hard on him. My mum suggested doing 2 mornings at nursery and she would do 1 full day and 2 half days. Not sure??? I just don't know what to think. Everything you read about it is 'excellent' but Fairymum made a good point about the other children.

I have seen lost of clingy children and two babies on different occasions looking very sad trying to eat without any help. It could have only been for the few minutes I saw but that's what I saw.

I am expecting too much? Ofsted can't be wrong can they?

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Original poster

bluejellybean · 30/09/2008 21:47

Sorry Lynette could you explain about the child minder helping towards pre school? I was thinking nursery would make it easier???

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rookiemater · 30/09/2008 21:51

It seems odd that 0-3s are so close together. Toddlers and the under 1s have very different requirements.

If I were you I would start researching other child care arrangements in your area, particularly CMs. If your DS is only being looked after once a week then I agree that a CM would be much better and I personally would be looking at that rather than increasing or changing the days at nursery.

Original poster

bluejellybean · 30/09/2008 21:55

If I was being REALLY honest I feel a bit nervous about a childminder. I would worry about different things!

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harpomarx · 30/09/2008 21:56

my dd also attended a surestart children's centre nursery. It sounds a lot like the one you describe, tbh - lovely looking place but staff also seemed distant and seemed to spend a lot of time making notes instead of interacting with children, iyswim. They seemed to have to log everything all the time - don't know if this is peculiar to surestart nurseries but didn't see much evidence of it at the private nursery dd subsequently went to.

SilkCutMama · 30/09/2008 21:56

Go with your instincts - if you feel uncomfortable about anything (apart from the normal crying when you leave them) then change nursery

Your instincts will be right I can guarantee

Original poster

bluejellybean · 30/09/2008 22:02

My husband thinks I'm being a soft snob!

I agree, I should trust my instincts, I think perhaps give it another few weeks whilst looking around and see how he is. Trouble is I looked at 6 and this was in both mine and my mums opinion the best??

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ithinkimtallandblonde · 30/09/2008 22:03

I would say trust your instincts i had a very bad experience when i went back to work after f dd1 and put alot of it down to pfb. Alot of the people i worked with sang the nurseries praises but my dd and i were never happy after 3 months i found a nursery i loved with a teeny tiny baby room and the we were. so much happier for it When ds started at the same nursery i never suffered the same anxiety even when he cried as i knew the staff were lovely etc.
I also think its hard for babies who only go 1 day a week, if you find the right nursery you may find its better for them to go 2 days even just for the first while to get used to it, having said that mine both went 1 day and were fine in the end.

Sawyer64 · 30/09/2008 22:05

I took my 5 month old DD to a Nursery when I returned to work,it was a lovely nursery and they had her in a bouncy chair or on their lap most of the time.However I needed the flexibility of a Childminder,as the nursery didnt have any more hours available to me,so I switched to a CM.

For me and DD it was the best thing I did,as she was so young she was able to form a relationship with one person,and have the benefit of other children around her.As she was looked after at CM's home,it seemed safer and more one-to one most of the time.

I think Lynette meant if the CM was close to the Preschool,there would be continuity of care as she could take/collect from preschool,and still be in familiar surroundings before or after.Also thinking ahead to taking or picking up from school,she could do this,and go there in the holidays. Alot less unsettling in the long term I think.

LynetteScavo · 30/09/2008 22:06

bluejellybean - I was thinking a childminder might be able to drop off/ pick up your DS from pre-school, so he would be spending some time with a familiar carer, but also had the chalenge of pre-school several times a week.

Scarfmaker · 30/09/2008 22:07

Sounds like mayhem to me - babies and toddlers can mix but only if babies (and yours is still very young at 10 months) are closely watched, supervised and interacted with.

The one day thing could be a problem - I've looked after a 14 month old for 8 months now just for one day and she's still very unsure and clingy - my two other mindees come 3 and 4 days and have settled from an early age.

What makes you nervous about a childminder? In my opinion they're the best type of care for a young baby.

FairyMum · 30/09/2008 22:08

I also think its hard for babies who only go one day a week. They never really spend enough time to settle in nursery. A nursery can be a good nursery, but still not suitable for your baby. I think some babies do better in nurseries, some with a CM and some babies really don't respond well to childcare at all. I would say the same about parents. I have a friend who absolutely hated the nursery I absolutely love.....

LynetteScavo · 30/09/2008 22:08

Thankyou Sawyer - I'd missed your post.

maccamum · 30/09/2008 22:11

Hi bluejellybean
Ive just read your thread and wanted to comment. I have three children 5, 3 and 1. My youngest ( as did my other two when they were young) is with a childminder its a real home away from home and my one year old no longer cries when i leave him. He is absolutely doted on and the childminders are wonderful. It sounds as if the staff at the nursery may be bored etc and i would be worried about some of the kids seeming clingy. A surprise visit could be a good guage or asking if there is a way to watch without your weaone knowing. If the nursery is unwilling to do this this in itself may speak volumes about the nursery.
Also trust your own instinct you will know best

stephla · 30/09/2008 22:18

The first nursery my son went to had a video camera. You could watch them from after the lobby after you'd left the room. I was shocked how quickly they stop crying after you go!

I found 12-24 months as a really difficult time for my son at nursery. You may find something with a more homely atmosphere suits your child better.

I'd would choose a nanny share if it's in any way financially viable (try sharingcare.co.uk and see if there is anyone local who is looking for the odd day). Even if it's tough financially, you can see it as a one off "investment" until he's 2 and ready for nursery.

Original poster

bluejellybean · 30/09/2008 22:21

I almost worried about saying why I'm a bit worried about a CM as your think I'm mad!

But I would worry about car journeys they may do, trust issues as its just 1 person, other people coming into the home you may not know, smokers, attention to their own children etc etc. ......... I'm being over the top arn't I......

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Sawyer64 · 30/09/2008 22:29

Or try vetting a couple of local Childminders and see how you feel.You could take DS with you to play,and then you also get an idea of how they take to the CM.

The CM would discuss all the points you have worries about,and if you are satisfied with her answers,you may feel like this is an option.

I have "used" 5 CM over 12 years,and have found excellent ones,who have cared for my DS and DD's like one of their own.

maccamum · 30/09/2008 22:37

Hi bluejellybean,
CM's tend to be non smokers, and will go over everything else with you. But again it is what you are happy with. You could ask other mums in your local area what they would recommend.
You could visit some of the CM's and that way you will have a better idea.

LynetteScavo · 01/10/2008 13:08

bluejellybean - I totally understand where you are coming from re childminders.

There are some really fabulous ones out there - and there are some I wouldn't leave DD with while I popped to the loo.

Quite a few mums at school are childminders, and I also see some "at Work" while at toddler group, and really there are childminders who are wonderfully atentive, and genuinely want the very best for the children in their care.

Finding a good childminder is probably easier through word of mouth, and I admit it can be difficult to find one you like, adn has the same values as you, but I wouldn't rule it our completely.

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