To take 3 year old out of nursery or not?

[LAM1407]

As the title really, I'm not sure wether to pull my daughter from nursery. She is 3, but turns 4 in July and will be starting school in September. She seems to enjoy nursery but does not speak there. We have a referral to SALT and they have observed her and say that she seems confident and its a bit strange she wont talk there, given exercises for the staff to try etc. I thought it was selective mutism but the SALT whos experienced in SM says she doesn't have any other 'symptoms' of it so doubts it very much.
DD does not like going in to nursery each morning, we tend to have clinginess and some tears half the time. I brought her to a playgroup at the school she will be attending last week, and she was quietly taking everything in, then started chatting away as normal after 30 mins. So I think this quietness is just a nursery thing, which makes me want to take her out more. But then will she miss out if I do?
I'm lucky to work from home part time (finish in the morning) so think I could get to some playgroups/library's etc for socialising with other children.
Opinions welcome, I'm very conflicted on what is best for her.

I am no expert (but have raised 2 children into young adulthood!) and if that were my child, I would take them out.

I would definitely do as you have done and make the effort to take her to the playgroup she enjoyed as much as possible and do lots of other activities with her before she starts school.

Enjoy the time with her.

Hard to kniw without knowing your daughter. But taking her out of nursery just before she starts school is risky

I would take her out, but realistically you can’t work from home with a 3 year old there. You need to either look for a different childcare setting (does the school have a pre-school attached maybe) or you may have to give up work whilst you have her at home with you. Unless your employer will allow you to do your work in the evenings when she is in bed instead.

You may find it is that one specific nursery that is the issue, so I’d definitely look into other options to help prepare her for the change when she starts school.

How is she everywhere else? Eg home, with relatives, etc? Did you stay with her at the playgroup where she started talking? I’m wondering if it’s a confidence thing where she needs you with her? Has she ever been left with anyone else other than the nursery? I’m not criticising, I’m just wondering as it might help you and her to know what’s at the roof of the issue.

I start work at 5am, (Australian company) and work just 4 mornings, after dropping DD1 at school and without the nursery run I would be finished by 10am, so just have to distract her for an hour.
She was at a smaller setting (same nursery group) but she was the same there, and then the small one closed so had to go to the slightly larger setting.
She is fine with family and friends she sees often but quiet with ones she only sees every few months. I was like that as a child too. But ok out and about, in shops etc, goes quiet if people ask her direct questions though.

Oh that sounds like it should be ok then (work) - although knackering for you!

Sounds like she may just be a quiet child, in which case I’d he more cautious about removing her completely because it might make school hard for her. Could you drop a couple of days, or drop to half days only?

To be honest, I would keep her in the nursery. You’ve said she was also the same at the other, smaller, nursery she went to. I know that you went to a playgroup and she started chatting but could that be because you were there rather than the actual setting?

Try staying with DD for a couple of days in nursery.
You will give her confidence.

Nursery will help your nervous child to confront school later in the year.

My son started to really hate his old nursery ( that he’d been attending for years) he’d cling the the door frame and refuse to want go in so we moved him to the school nursery and it was honestly the best thing we ever did he bounces into his new nursery and is so happy and settled. I’d say if you don’t need her to be in nursery take her out she won’t miss out especially as it really only a couple of months.

I would take her out too. Is there a pre-school she could attend for a few mornings a week? Otherwise, just enjoy this time with her and keep her socialising in small groups.

I would take her out, trust your gut.

You say she enjoys nursery but doesn’t want to go in the mornings?! Both things can’t be true… I’d pull her out

Doubt it, if she hates the nursery it will knock her confidence

My son’s the same. We never got to a SALT referral though as we videoed him at home to show nursery and all agreed to wait it out.

I do believe it’s just painfully shy-ness.

I have spoken to him and he says he wants to talk but the words don’t come out.

We moved him sept just gone to the preschool nursery of his primary so he would have an extra year to settle. I take him out two days to do extra curricular. Also worked on play date relationships so he has friends. That worked and he plays and talks with his classmates.

We have only just started to turn a corner with talking to adults. We had a long bath chat about what a teachers job is and how the teachers are excited to get to know him and want to hear what he thinks and it doesn’t matter if it’s right or wrong to questions because that’s how teacher knows they need to teach you correctly. So we had lots of role play of being teacher, having to say a wrong answer and teacher then corrected it.

Then we did a week of walking to school and shouting as loud as we could ‘, hello miss x’ morning miss x over and over. The poor neighbours lol. I had to scream to because it was the only way to do it and really get into the spirit.

He then walked up to the gate and on the third day of practicing a little squeak hello miss came out. Apparently that afternoon he started talking to the teachers. Teachers were so excited we had a relay of his random toddler comments on the parent portal. So it’s great we have started to break through. I think will be all up from here.

So in summary we went from ignoring it, to trying to pressure it, to ignoring it, push it a bit and just cycled through until it worked. You will get there. Try not to worry. Really it’s actually sensible not to talk to unrelated adults so it’s a safety mechanism at the end of the day and perhaps she’s wiser than her years.

Take them out.
I did the same with my daughter ahead of starting school and she blossomed.
I have since had another child who has not gone to nursery and the difference is night and day.

Could she perhaps do half days instead. My son goes mornings only and then he has the afternoons with his nan he could go 9-3 but I chose for him not to as I value the time with his nan

If she's refusing to speak she's clearly very distressed there and you cannot knowingly keep sending her into that environment.

Pull her out. My bright sociable daughter was enrolled into a more grown up playgroup to prepare for school and she told me there are grown ups but no mummies there. That told me everything.

does she talk about nursery to you? What does she think about it?
It sounds just like SM to me, what symptoms are they looking for that she doesn't have?
i was very much like this as a child until around half way through primary school and even then was still painfully shy in busy environments and around new people, as far as I know I wasn't offered any help but just eventually outgrew it.
I think I'd keep her there if there was an option to drop her hours to half days, I think it's risky taking her completely out of that kind of environment when she will be starting school so soon.

My daughter has situational mutism and this sounds super
familiar. Am curious why it’s been ruled out for you.

I think in this scenario I’d probably take her out. Not because of the not talking, but because of the rest of it. Kids with SM can be genuinely settled and happy and still silent so the combination of both unhappiness and silence would make me think. Since you are happy to have her home and can make it work for a few months I’d probably keep her home and just focus on socialising as much as possible. If you know anyone going to school with her that would be hugely helpful to encourage spending time with - my daughter didn’t speak to adults but would whisper to her friends.

(She still finds speaking challenging now at 13 but it’s miles easier for her than it used to be. It’s not necessarily going to be this hard for her forever)

I would go with your gut. I think given her age it’s important that she gets used to be away from you (was she left there during those 30 minutes or were you there?) but also not in an environment that doesn’t make her happy

The symptoms of situational mutism are just that… mute in certain situations. There are no other symptoms. I feel you have been misinformed. Join SMIRA on Facebook, very helpful group. My daughter was the same at her nursery but now talks freely in almost every situation 2 years later.

My son went to play school and then my daughter went too but needed to be taken out. I sent her to nursery. But again, needed to take her out. She then spent four months at home, both of us happier, and then she went to school aged four years and one month. Went fine.

Take yours out is my advice.

Have you asked her about nursery and why she doesn't speak there?

Personally, I would take her out. It sounds like it doesn’t suit her. Nurseries just aren’t the best environments for children especially for shier children as they are over crowded, noisy, overstimulating. This is coming from someone who sends their baby to nursery not because I think it’s amazing necessarily. Saying that, I’m happier with the nursery my child goes to, she puta her arms out to staff when she arrives, they are attentive and focused on attachment and have lower ratios than most.’ Still I don’t love it and if she bagan to cry at the door like your child, I would look for something else. I’d be worried about her not talking there but talking elsewhere. She’s not happy. Could you try a childminder or nanny, a small preschool maybe?

Dont worry about people saying it’s risky taking her out of nursery before school, children don’t need nursery, reception is supposed to prepare them for school. I used to nanny and plenty of children didn’t get on with nursery and just stayed with me. They were confident and sociable by the time school came around.

another thing you could try is an ad hoc nanny or even a regular one on Bubble, it’s a childcare app.

I would take her out of that nursery if she were my child. For whatever reason, it sounds like it's not really suiting her, and it's best to move on.

Generally, I think some nursery time is good to prepare kids for school, but if it's not working so well at this setting, why keep doing it? It sounds like your daughter is quite quiet and sensitive (I say this as someone who was a quiet and sensitive child BTW), which can mean it takes a while to settle, but if you've given it a good go and it's not quite happening, then there's something to be said for moving to a different environment and trying that. If there were the option of another nusery for a couple of days a week I'd do that, but if not your idea of her being with you and doing playgroups, sounds great and a nice opportunity to enjoy some time together before she starts school. She wouldn't be missing out.

Final thought, just because this nursery may not have suited your daughter, doesn't mean she can't thrive elsewhere. My eldest DS (now at secondary school) really struggled to settle at a highly recommended childminder; it was a really tough few months all round, and I was so nervous when we moved to another childminder, thinking we'd have a repeat. He settled in like a dream and did so well. Well-meaning advice of 'he'll get used to it' and 'settling in can take time', which I received from a lot of people, was well off the mark. Of course, you don't stop somewhere at the first hurdle, but just persisting somewhere that clearly isn't working is no good for anyone. Good luck!