Toileting and male staff member

[Hnr20]

My little one is 4.
She’s told me that there is a new teacher at her preschool who is a boy, and that basically she doesn’t want him to take her to the bathroom or wipe her.
Nothing against him, she just doesn’t like males helping her in the bathroom.
She’s only really ever had me and my mum around, so it’s always been us helping her on the toilet, etc. Her dad has come to visit her every week since she was born, but even then she’s never let him do it until this year. Again it’s just always been her preference and I’ve respected that.
She also doesn’t like male doctors when it comes to intimate examinations for her regarding her medical issues, so I always have to make sure it’s a woman.
I’m not going to push her into saying yes to a male being there I’m the bathroom with her just to be PC enough for people, so I don’t really know what to do about the situation.

Can I ask the nursery to just let her key worker take her or the teachers she’s closest with to take her. I don’t want her to stop asking to go to the toilet and end up having accidents again.
I don’t know how to approach this whole thing without either offending someone or upsetting my little one.

It is perfectly reasonable for her to have a preference and for nursery to adhere to it.

@joanwinifred

Weird how many people on this thread aren't allowing a 4 year old to exercise her right to say no.

There's nothing wrong with her not wanting a male doctor or a male nursery teacher to see her private parts.

Allow your children the right to say no.

Perhaps but you have to wonder as an outsider how much the child's upbringing is influencing this - the OP hasn't been with the child's father since birth and sees her once a week so hasn't had regular interaction with a male figure in her life?

ivebeenbusy not always a bad thing.

@PonderingPeggy

If the toilets are away down a corridor and a child needs intimate care, surely the preschool's safeguarding policy would say that two members of staff should be present?

No one (male or female) should be in the toilets alone with a child - for the protection of both the adult and the child.

That’s not always practical - lots of settings won’t have additional spare staff for toileting.

I really cannot fathom people demanding to know what your DD’s medical condition is exactly! Wow.

As she’s older she’ll understand and probably be seen by a male doctor at some point.

I took DD to be looked at (had discharge and a water infection before I’m grilled as to why) and she said “only a female doctor”. That was fine with me and the surgery.

I wonder where she has got all these anxieties about men from?

What worries me is how people are assigning much more to this than what it is. She prefers a female to wipe her bottom because she’s been raised by two women. Please show some consideration to OP instead of making her feel like there’s something freakishly wrong.

She is 4 and if she wants a women then she should I dont like having male doctors for smears and always ask for female. I think it’s good that she doesn’t want a male in a toilet with her ashame there aren’t more children like her.

Just tell them that her treatment has made her anxious around men particularly with regard to intimate care and as this is likely to be an ongoing issue should she need help in the bathroom could a female member of staff support her.
It sounds like its going to benefit her having a male role model in general though as she's mainly around women

I have worked with male staff in nursery,s who i am sure would not be too offended if you asked for female care, but this is not always possible. And what if a female was seeing to her care but the male was in the bathroom would that be ok. I think you may be encouraging unnesceserry fear of men rather then saying it,s ok.

Speak to the nursery. I presume they know about the medical issues she has so will be understanding as to why she may be more nervous than other children and if he’s new that may be a bigger reason than the fact he’s male.

The only thing to be aware of is if he is the only member of staff available to help her when she has a poo she may have to wait for help with wiping a bit longer than usual.

Hi Soontobe60; which section of the EA covers this, please? Thanks

Talk to the nursery and let them know she is nervous of care by a new staff member and she isn't used to men caring for her. They will accommodate it as far as is viable ie if he is the only one free to care for her in that moment there may not be a choice but if the female staff are free they would do it.

If they know she has had little contact with men I'm sure he will be mindful in teaching her men aren't scary. It's part of the role.

Hi, I’ve found it.

Hi Byronyberries, I’m not sure if you’re responding to me. I’m specifically looking into the legal position at the mo. Diversity in early years is wonderful including male staff. Nonetheless, there are conflicting rights in this topic and stripping it back to basics, no female (or male) should be forced to have intimate care provided in a manner that makes that person feel uncomfortable or unsafe; particularly (but not only) if there is no logistical or practical problem preventing it. Nurseries are full to the brim with female staff.