Harsh discipline for 2yr old starting nursery - please help!!

[finnsheart]

Hello, the is my first post, so please be gentle. I've lurked since I fell pregnant with my DD, and found lots of good advice. But now I find myself needing guidance as she has just started two mornings a week at nursery.

The first week I was told by the teacher that DD didn't seem to grasp consequences. Another little girl had brought cake in because it was her birthday. But DD had not been allowed any as she wouldn't drink her water. DD has only just turned two, but she's fully capable of saying 'Dink pease' when she is thirsty, so I don't know why, on a cold winters day, they made having a drink such a big deal?

Then yesterday she was denied cake again because she kept getting up from the table. I know she will have had a melt down because she loves cake! There are only 6 kids in the group, so they all sat and ate cake and she will have sobbed. I also don't understand, because she doesn't walk around with food at home. She knows to go and sit at the table for a snack - I don't even have to ask her to do so half of the time. She is a fidget at meal times, but we can have a three course Sunday lunch at the pub, and providing she's got some crayons she's fine. At home she sits and eats meals with us, and I admit she wants to get down often before we finish, so we have to distract her. But the time she stays is lengthening. I've never had to hide fruit or veg in her food, she's a totally un fussy eater.So I feel like they are going to make meal times a battle ground that it doesn't need to be.

The teacher also said she has had to 're-arrange the room' for DD, as she's 'into everything'. Which she is. I've had to re arrange my cupboards and shelves, but isn't that just toddlers? Either they offer a setting for 2 yr old or they don't?

They mention nothing of the activities she has participated in, or what they have been doing. So I came away so disheartened yesterday, I cried on the way home. I'm not that parent that thinks their child is perfect - she's not perfect, she wears me out!, but she has only just turned 2, and yesterday day was her 5th morning in a nursery setting.

Oh yeah, and the other thing is she didn't join in with French - singing songs etc. sigh

All I want is some undistinguishable piece of art and a tired child at the end of her nursery day. At the minute all I am hearing is negativity, and sadly no art :(

So is this normal? Am I being sensitive? I want to make an appointment to speak to the head of Early Years, but at the same time I don't want to be the new parent, first time Mum that just 'doesn't get it'.

Any thoughts appreciated.

That sounds shit. My DD is nearly 2 and goes to a great nursery. They do have high expectations of behaviour and that means the children are well behaved. But most of that comes from routine and the children copying each other. Obviously they then have a a period of settling in for new children. But I can't imagine them refusing a child cake for not drinking. They wouldn't let a child wander round eating, but they seem to have magic ways of getting children to sit down for snacks.

As for not joining in with French, if something is unfamiliar it can take many sessions for them to join in. And 2 year olds will only stay doing a group thing for a short period anyway. That's why toddler activity sessions have lots of short activities.

2 year olds don't need' high standards' in academic terms' They need love, play, nurture, guidance and a sense of bring accepted and valued. This nursery is shit. Move her. And avoid the school too.

DOnt send her back. Private often doesn't mean better...

I don't think toddlers/preschoolers should really be in a school like environment most of the time. Proper nurseries, preschools, childminders etc should be catering to the childs needs . What your child is going to is cruel :( They know rich parents will pay in order to get into the school/promise of french/ballet/whatever when really they need to play and be happy!

Sounds like kiddy borstal, if that's how they are prepping two year olds, god knows what they will be expecting for them to 'make the grade' into the actual school. Many of these school do have a 'selection test' at age 4- !

I'd be saying see ya, but do let them know your thoughts as you depart.

Does she need to go there because of your work or your "sanity"? If not, never take her back there again. And reconsider the school. If the nursery is this crap think what they'll do to 5 year olds. Actually, the 5 year olds will already have been squeezed into the system so will probably look fine from the outside.....l..

If this was happening to my little one I would not be happy. It sounds so harsh, as you say she's two, how are they expecting her to sing in French?!? I would definitely be having words with someone, to deny her cake because she didn't want a drink is unreasonable and completely OTT IMO. Could you maybe switch nurseries?

That's really poor practice.
I would look around for other Nurseries.

IME, there's a real correlation between Private schools and poor quality early years provision. (I'm sure there will be exceptions but....). Very often they are trying to treat them as if they are much older than they are.

Hope you get it sorted op - it may be relevant that many (most?) non school affiliated nurseries cover babies right through to 4 or 5, so are naturally very used to dealing with the younger ones. I would say my first child thrived most in the nursery from roughly 14 months to just turned 3, (before that she would probably have been better with a nanny or caring childminder) but then started to get a bit bored by 3.5 and would benefit from more (which big school nursery provides).

Thank you for all your input. My head has been spinning, and I've taken on board everything you have all said... especially about letting the tyres down! lol

So the head of Early Years called me back when I called to ask for an appointment. She said she was actually going to call me anyway. I don't know for sure, but I think the lady who I had the problem with (the withholder of cake!) answered when I called, so I'm not convinced she didn't put two and two together and tell the H of EY that something had happened (e.g.. I wasn't happy when I collected DD on Tuesday.)

Anyway, she was going to call me, because the Nursery worker (NW) had told her that the conversation we'd had when I picked DD up didn't go well. She said that she felt it had just run away and 'gone wrong' and she didn't know why. I said I agreed, and that I had come away confused and upset. It was a long conversation so I won't bore you with it word for word. But the gist was, I think she was surprised by what I told her. She was very apologetic and embarrassed. She said it made the nursery sound draconian and oppressive, which I agreed with! She assured me they don't withhold food - so I assured her they do! When I said that I felt it unreasonable to expect a 2yr old to sit still for a group meal time for a long period, she said she had been told the problem was that DD hadn't eaten her lunch. I told her that according to NW not only had DD eaten all of her meatballs, she asked for more. She was told she could have more if she ate some pasta and veg, so she did, and so she got an extra meatball. She tried to assure me that she would have been offered cake in the end, but I told her verbatum what NW had told me, and so I know she was not allowed any!

She was like I said very apologetic. She also said that NW should not have mentioned anything about re arranging the room, or DD being into everything. She said exactly as you have all said; that is 2yr olds. I asked for assurances that food would never be used as a punishment. And that if they ever felt anything DD was or wasn't doing was an issue, any strategies would be discussed with me before being implemented. She agreed totally and in her words said she would 'come down like a ton of bricks' if she knew anything other was going on. She said that NW knew she had a conversation coming, and that it would be official and on record.

So in a way I feel better. But in another way, it still happened. The NW spoke to me in private when I dropped DD off on Friday. She was visibly shaking as we talked and her voice wobbled a little as she tried to explain. She did apologise and acknowledged that she had not adopted the right strategy and in fact that at this point no strategy is needed. She had forgotten about the no cake for not drinking incident, and agreed that was also unnecessary.

I do think she's had a rollocking. And DD does run across the yard to get to the nursery room. She is there just two mornings a week, and she doesn't like leaving when I go to pick her up. But on the other hand, I have taken on board all the comments re: school attached nurseries being a bit much for 2yr olds and also private nurseries being similarly not suitable. So I am torn. The school has a good rep, and I had intended that DD would head right through the school from nursery to 13yrs. So it's a big decision to just walk away.

We're on holiday for a week, so no nursery anyway. Everything is still whirring in my head! When we get back I plan to speak to the H of EY again, as I would like confirmation that our conversation and my concerns have been put on record. Depending how I feel that conversation goes, I'll either keep with the 2 mornings a week, or DD out and look for a non school based nursery.

Sorry for the novel.... gold star for anyone who has got this far! Again for all your input - it really has helped with what has been a crappy week.

That sounds more promising but maybe it's just not the right setting for your dd. My dd and ds go to different settings as the nursery at dd's school would be too structured for ds at 2. He has the option to start there at 3.5, but at the moment I want something more relaxed for him where he can socialise with his peers, do painting and playdough and run about.

I still wouldn't do it. The early years are so important to get right and as much as the head of early years is on board she's not the one caring for your child day in day out. Id want experienced child care professionals that I can trust to be ther. On my place ( I'm ex teacher and psychology grad and spent ages choosing a place I was happy with. Went with the preschool setting run mainly by older people who are like surrogate aunties!)

Coming from a lady who works in an nursery, I would be APPALLED if any one of my co-workers used food as a disciplinary method. This is basically bribing the child and can lead to an unhealthy relationship with food.

Your child is young therefore she is going to be inquisitive about her new surroundings, of course she wants to see what's in the cupboards and things that's are around her.

The staff seem rude. They haven't given your child enough time to settle in before complaining. I would say find somewhere else and let them know why! Let us know how it goes!