Opinions on nursery lunchtime issue?

[FutureNannyOgg]

DS1 is almost 3. He goes to nursery just one morning a week, but is going up to 2 days in September.
He has a mouth ulcer at the moment, and has been reluctant to eat with it, I warned the nursery of this when I dropped him off, suggested that he may need encouragement to eat, and no citrus or anythign that might aggravate it.
When I picked him up I was told he hadn't touched his lunch. None at all, or drink. I thought fair enough, although I can usually talk him into having a taste, they've got a few to look after. But then they said that when they were clearing up, he had said that he wanted it, but was told no, lunchtime is over. So he had no lunch. Is it me or is that a bit of a harsh lesson for a not-quite 3yo?
When I picked him up I thought he might be ill, he was really quiet and a bit grey looking. I fed him the contents of my handbag (a carton of juice, some rice cakes and a fruit/veg puree pouch) and within about 10 minutes he was perky and back to normal. It was only an hour after lunch time, but he was clearly needing his food.
I think I need to write a note and ask for clarification on what happened and their policy.
I'm annoyed that he wasn't given the opportunity to eat when he said he wanted it (why not just 5 minutes?) and moreso because I pay for the lunch.
It's a Montessori nursery, and they are usually really flexible with what activities a child does (no enforced joining in) so this surprised me.
I know he can be a bit distracted at meal times, and a slow eater, but I am not convinced letting him skip meals is a way to get him out of this. I am especially concerned about what happens next month, when I don't collect him until tea time.

I agree with the nursery personally but if you don't, you have a problem.
For most toddlers 45 minutes is a pretty long time to be sitting eating. Mine can finish a meal in 10, if she wants it. If she doesn't it can take all day!
I suspect that nursery thought that he was messing them about a bit. They had offered him his food and had refused it several times. Then when he saw it was being taken away he has suddenly decided he wants it? Especially if it is a cooked meal, they need to clear up etc.
Others are also right in that it could potentially cause issues with other children all demanding food whenever they fancy it.

I'm not quite sure why you are so worried, he is only there in the morning. If he hasn't eaten you can feed him when he gets home.
If you were picking him up after lunch when did you think he was going to eat it anyway?

In my nursery he would have been offered something else about 1 hour after lunch finished if it had been cleared away. As you collected him after lunch I presume they didn't see it as a huge issue. We would never leave a child hungry but offer a snack to all food refusers together rather than a free for all

What Smartiepants said

DD2 also had ulcers recently. She still managed to eat, but if she had not, her nursery would definitely done the same as next phase. She sometimes falls asleep during pudding, but they always save it for her. They wouldn't let her go hungry as she would make their life hell
I think people are being a bit harsh. Ulcers are properly painful and you can't just apply the same rules as you would if the child was being fussy.

As I said in my OP, I am worried because I am increasing his hours, and if there is a policy that suggests this will happen again, I need to know about it.

I also said I don't think lunch is not as long as 45 minutes. At home we would take half an hour or so I guess, we eat socially as a family. He didn't want pudding (cake), he wanted his main as I understand it.

Zzzz I agree with what you said about dealing with pain. My boys are pretty fearless and very accident prone (their father is too, there's lots of martial arts and stuff between us) so we have a big ethos of picking ourselves up and being impressed by our battle scars. They bounce pretty well. I am also a chronic pain sufferer so I have empathy with how pain in the background can impact on other things, even if you aren't conscious of that. Some days I haven't really registered how much I hurt until DH points out that I am being a bitch.

I've drafted a pleasant but firm letter, explaining my position and asking that if the staff are unable to meet his needs (like feed him because it's off schedule) that they contact me and consult me on what action I want to take. It seems clear that a lot of parents wouldn't mind their child "learning a lesson" by having food taken off them. So I can see them making that call. I do mind, it's not consistent with how I parent at home. It doesn't support the relationship with food, and their bodies that I want them to develop. That's just my choice and if it's an unusual one I just need to ask them to support it.

I think you want to have far more control over decision making day to day than is practical if your child is in childcare. Part of what they are paid for is to make am appropriate call on things like this. They can't phone you for your input every time he declines food, and I doubt your employer would be that keen. If you don't think the nursery acts generally in accordance with your values, then you need to find another nursery. Otherwise, let them get on with their jobs.

They were not withholding food. He asked for food after lunch had finished. It would be very difficult to give children lunch whenever they asked for it.

I suggest you leave the nursery.

And while the ulcer might change things, it's only short term.

"I do mind, it's not consistent with how I parent at home." A 24 place nursery cannot have 24 different rules for it's 24 children with 23 other children all asking why child A is allowed to do such and such and they're not.

Mine (23 months) didn't want her lunch yesterday. She had a sleep then the staff offered it to her again and she munched it all. It didn't seem to be a problem or a big deal for them.

I think you really do need to clarify with nursery what exactly happened.
How had he been behaving thru the lunch time? Is it common practice/policy to not allow children to eat outside of meal times? What would they do if circumstances were different and he was staying all day?
I suspect 2 things.
1- they didn't believe that he was actually going to eat the food at that time
2- as he was going to be going home soon after that didn't feel it necessary to keep any food for him for later.
Speak to them.

I'm going to speak to them definitely. I am sure we can work it out, like I said earlier, I just wanted some perspective from other parents.

What I do know is that he wasn't asking for food at a random time, the food was in front of him, they went to take it away, he asked them not to as he wanted to eat. Would leaving his plate for a couple of minutes as a one off really cause mutiny? If so, no problem, call me and I would come and pick him up to eat elsewhere.

I'm not expecting them to care for him exactly as I do to the finest detail, not at all. I am prepared to coordinate with them and use their methods at home. I am just drawing the line at depriving him of food because of the time, he can't tell the time.

To clarify again, I do not believe he was messing around, this was not an everyday situation, he had a known physical reason for being reluctant to eat.

I don't want them to call me every time he declines food, he was not declining food, he was asking to keep his food, which was something they did not want to acquiesce to. Is it really that strange that I don't want my child to go without lunch when he has said he is hungry?

If he had just not been hungry, or not liked the food, no problem. I would not question them clearing it if he didn't want it. My house rule is that he has to sit at the table at mealtime, he is not obliged to eat. If he says he doesn't like it without trying it, I ask him to try a bit, he always does. I always ask him if he is finished before I take his plate away, if he is messing about or timewasting I tell him to eat or I will take it away on a count of 10, he will always either start eating or ask to get down. We have no food/mealtime issues. I have no wish to create any.

I am self employed, my boss would be just fine

Incidentally, I should add, that I cannot recall a mealtime at home where he has not eaten anything. He has protested that he doesn't want to sit up, but he has to sit up with the rest of us. He has always willingly gone on to eat before the rest of us are finished. Even the time he took 2 mouthfuls then vomited into his plate. /boak

Wow the harshness of this thread! So he 'almost 3' this means he's still 2!

I believe that every child in a nursery setting should be very well cared for, and the mark of a not great setting is when rules come before children's needs.

That starts an 'ok on paper'/ by the book / rigid and unresponsive type of room. I say this because I just removed my child from a class with a similiar unbending and impersonal attitude. The rules they spouted as justification for not being their best by my son, and it took me months before I acted as I found it hard to argue with.

i'm with the nursery too. also sorry to say, i'm surprised you are giving him a fruit/veg pouch at almost 3....

My 8 and 6 year olds have fruit pouches in their lunchboxes sometimes. Just because they like them....

I think the nursery should have shown a little more flexibility in this case - even if it was only "Ok, 2 more minutes and then we need to do X"