Am I being too sensitive

[Monadami]

Hi all,

I wrote last week about my DS's settling period at his nursery. Today, third of four settling in days, I had to leave him for an hour without me being in the room. When I returned the Manager approached me asked if DS responds to his name being called as they think he may have hearing problems.

I was shocked at this as firstly, they are assuming I am a moron who would not have, at some point noticed if my 19 month old child had hearing problems and secondly, how dare they make this assumption when they probably only spent 30 minutes with him (I got there late)

I told this Manager his hearing is fine, he had all the test in infancy and due to all the excitement of being in a new environment with so many new toys, he just wasn't paying attention to other things around him, plus he is the type of child who chooses when he wants to respond to people.

Last year when DS was 13 months, I took him to a Surestart Children's Centre and the Manager there suggested I take DS to seek help as he wasn't yet walking. I was very annoyed and retorted that every child is different and does things in their own time, plus he was alot bigger than the average baby, so has more weight to carry on his developing muscles and bones. It really annoys me that I have to explain myself to these so called child experts, who still don't get that all children are not popped out of the same mould.

Has anyone else experienced these do gooders making unjustified, opinionated comments? Would you take offence? Are they just trying to be helpful?

At age 5 and 7 years mine still don't always respond to their name being called.

Don't take offence, just don't take the slightest bit of notice. He's not a doctor he's a nursery manager.

AGG! on your behalf.

By all means be aware of the normal developmental milestones, but...

13 months. Not walking??? FFS... DS was 16 mo and just got up and did it. Was fucking fed UP of people saying 'aren't you worried about him'? (DS crawled, rolled and pulled up first but hey, NCT group/ HV only gave a shit about walking )

They're not being helpful, they're being unhelpful opinionated pricks. (but they don't realise)

I'm going to use these terms:
AA (apparently advanced)
VL (very late)

DS rolled at 4mo(AA), crawled at 6mo (AA) sat at 8mo(VL)
GUESS what the HV picked up on.

Feeding self (AA), pulling self up (VL), throwing a ball (AA), stacking 10 bricks (beyond AA)

again, guess what the HV picked up on.

He walked at 16 months. He did it when he was a) ready and b) fucking felt like it.

My parents are currently favouring DG2 (mine is DG1) as he can 'read'. He is 2.10 FFS

My child is the idiot child atm as he is behind. Maybe it's me not pushing him. Perhaps it's be letting him BE 3!

Thanks. It is annoying that people don't seem to be able to allow children/babies to be just that. Why should they be in a rush to grow up, each will develop as they will. My DS started walking properly at 16 months too.

These "professionals" seem to be intent on instilling fear in parents, so we start thinking perhaps they aren't entirely "normal". The Nursery Manager said she didn't want to worry me, but they start logging developmental stages early on, so I expect next they'll say he has anger issues if he has a tantrum and because he can't yet spoon feed himself, that will probably become a problem in their eyes too.

I will do what you both advise, ignore them, take it with a pinch of salt and let my 19 month old be 19 months and not 4.

I once had hv insist that I speak to gp about the fact that dd was not "turning over" although she was crawling. I tried to suggest that dd was not turning over because she wasn't interested in turning over and surely the fact that she was crawling perfectly well, meant that there really wasn't an issue. Anyway, hv was having none of it and insisted that I speak to gp, who of course laughed at the whole notion.

I think they were probably trying to be helpful, and they're not opinionated do-gooders, they are highly trained professionals who probably know more about children (all children, not just one)

If you're the poster with the traumatic settling in period (I read a thread last week, but can't remember your name, sorry)you've got off a bit on the wrong foot with the whole nursery experience and I honestly think you're imagining offence where none was meant. Dd's teacher asked me if she had bladder problems...did I get offended and say "harumph, do you think I wouldn't know???" No, I said, no, of course she doesn't, but she loves going and messing round in the toilet with the other kids!

I think you need to relax a bit about it all and give them a break. Or, if nothing is ever going to suit that anyone dares to suggest about your child, then find alternative arrangements.

My daughter walked at about 16 mths as well. Far too fat and lazy to do it beforehand.

*probably know more about children all children, than any of us ever will.

Ah, just checked other thread and you're not the same poster, sorry.

Still think you need to cut them a wee bit of slack though and see how it goes.

Good luck.

I'm sure they are just trying to help! So yes, a little too sensitive imo. It's not actually doing any harm by suggesting it surely? :)

LOL at the reading 2.10yo btw, are they G&T then?

Im glad I found this thread. DD is 12 mths and not walking yet, when I took her for her 12 mth check the HV appeared concerned that she wasn't walking yet. 'You must get her walking' I was told!!

The HV was nice, not horrible, but I felt really under pressure and have tried different fun games to try and get her up and walking. She is slowly getting there, but FFS!! I then looked in the NHS Birth to 5 book, that was given to me at the hospital and it said some kids don't walk until they are 16/17 mths old.

In the end, I just thought 'oh fuck off!!' DD will develp at her own pace. She didn't start crawling until 9 mths.

OP -My brother is 25 and still does not respond to his name, esp when he is watching the TV!! Drives us all mad!! I think boys/men have an amazing ability to zone out!!

Try not to get offended Monadami. Settling a child at nursery can be quite traumatic, especially for Mum! Re. the hearing, I'm sure you do know best but sometimes a comment like that can be helpful. Better that they ask you about it, rather than ignoring it (as happened with my child - took 2 years to convince health professionals that he couldn't hear).

Finally - they weren't assuming that you were a moron. My DS was diagnosed with horrendously poor eyesight last year, at the age of 6. Neither my DH nor I had noticed anything wrong with his eyesight. I could see that he wasn't progressing with reading at school, but he wasn't bumping into things, he was brilliant at throwing/catching a ball etc ... sometimes you do need a fresh pair of eyes (pardon the pun) to point something out to you. I certainly don't consider myself a moron for not knowing.

Hang in there, I'm sure they didn't mean to offend you, and I'm sure your DS will settle in well and be very happy there. I think you need to relax a bit and acknowledge that you are finding the process of him going to nursery stressful. You are human, and it's normal to feel this way

Hi,

Nursery managers prospective here - I think it was way too early for the manager to make that suggestion. However in the past I have spoken to parents of several children over the years as I was not sure they were hearing, all turned out to have a hearing problem (mostly glue ear). It is easier to spot in a nursery environment sometimes.

A a mother I was frustrated at the HV informing me that i must encourage Ds to build a tower of 3 bricks, he wasn't the slightest bit interested in building but would be happy completing other hand/eye activities. I chose to ignore!

Hope settling continues to go well!

Nursery told me dd didn't play with others - she was 12 months! I removed her (for so many reasons including using semi skimmed milk for all the kids and the fact dd came home covered in bite marks nursery new nothing about!). Anyway, when I met with cm (who is fab and dd has been with for 2 years), I told her nursery's concerns. She laughed and said, she's 1 she won't play with others until she's about 2-3 years.

CM has 2 grown up daughters, a 4-year-old ds and 3 grand children so knows her stuff and has common sense - I found nursery staff lacked all of that.

Nursery also told me she wasn't good at feeding herself couscous at 12 months old - tbh she's rather lazy eating now she's 3 but at 12 months!

I think you are over-reacting. Of course he had hearing tested at birth, but temporary hearing difficulties as a result of ear infections (glue ear) are really really common and really easy to miss, plus a major cause of language delay. I think the nursery manager was just trying to be helpful.

Yabu. They were trying to help, and nothing more.

Hi Monadanu - most 19 month olds would respond to their name being called but, in my experience, only by their parent or someone they had known for a while and were used to being with.

I think it's a bit soon for the nursery to be assuming any hearing probs.

I have known some children not to walk until 19/20 months, especially if they bum-shuffle.

I'm still of the belief that every child is an individual and will make their own developments in their own time. And I do think her comment was premature, when her assistants had only spent 20 minutes with him. Surely it would be better to make the assessment when he has spent a couple of hours there. I don't feel two young girls caring for the 7 toddlers in the group have a wealth of experience either, especially when they can't seem to take the initiative to wipe a child's nose who has green mucous running into her mouth.

To be honest if you feel like that about the staff perhaps you need to think again about sending your child there.

When I was working in a nursery, I found it quite difficult to talk to parents about possible problems in case they reacted in just this way. Yes parents know their child better than anyone else, they always will do, but sometimes it does take an outsider to notice something slightly different in the childs development or behaviour or something.

Would you sooner the people you entrust your child to use their experience and knowledge of childcare to aid how they care for your child and liase with you, or would you sooner they just ignore any problems they may think your child may have? How would you feel if you discovered at a later point that the child has glue ear or something else affecting their hearing, and the nursery staff had noticed but not told you? I know I'd be livid!

This is speaking as someone who has been sworn at and felt threatened because I bought up something I felt the parent needed to know. I have never thought a parent was a 'moron' just because I wanted to raise an issue!

When we went to see the Nursery the Manager did a very good sales pitch, like they do in all industries I guess. We paid our deposit etc and it's only when I went on the Settling in days there were couple of things I noticed, like the runny nose thing and telling me there are always two members of staff present when nappies are changed. I was there today and saw one staff member nappy changing. Fair enough if this isn't the case, don't say it.

I will just see how it goes, DS seems to like it and he's only going for 2 half days per week. I think what it is, I don't like feeling that I'm being talked down to. Today I left him for 2 hours, so he could have lunch. I told them he probably wouldn't eat it as he doesn't like Fish Pie and he's never sat at a table with chairs, always has a High Chair, so he had a bit of a tantrum and didn't want to sit on the chair or eat. Afterwards the Manager looked at me sympathetically and said oh don't worry that he didn't eat. I wasn't actually worried, so why was she assuming I was. I'm not taking him there so she can make assumptions about how I feel, purely so he can get used to other children as I don't know anyone with children of my son's age.

You sound really over sensitive. I feel a bit sorry for the nursery workers who can't do right for wrong.

Do you think you'd be happy with anyone other than you looking after your child? I feel this may be the problem here.

Monadami - lots of mums leaving their child would have been upset by that (not implying you should be) and the manager was doing her job by reassuring new parents. I do not think you will be happy at the nursery to be honest, have you thought about a childminder, who might have other chidren the same age. You might find someone you feel more comfotable with.

Monadami- sounds like they havent given you a good first impression and i agree with the "sales pitch" stuff to get you in the door.

We were promised X,Y and Z at my childs previous nursery but after he had actually started it was clear that what we were told would happen, didnt happen.

I dont think you are being "really over sensitive" like one other poster suggested. I think you have every right to feel the way you do and to be honest i think maybe looking round another few nurseries may be the best thing to do.

I understand how you feel- it can be one of the most daunting, nerve wracking times trying to sort out childcare and wondering if your doing the right thing or not. Some people can deal with it easier than others- and at the end of the day - its YOU who knows best and you will know what suits you and your son- nobody else. Good luck

Thanks everyone. Like Katie Suggested I probably wouldn't be happy with anyone looking after my DS, I even criticise his father when he looks after him alone. I expect the nursery is ok and the Ofsted report is satisfactory. I suppose as long as my DS is happy there that's the main thing and I will try to overlook the minor things. I probably wouldn't use a Childminder, I know things are different these days and there will be many good childmiders out there, but I had a Childminder (Registered) as a child and she was terrible to me.

My DS learned to walk when he was 14 months and he is one of the most active little boys I have come across. He keeps on jumping and climbing with no fear. He hardly ever falls over and if he does, he rarely cries about it. So there is absolutely no need to panic about not walking at 12 months.