Page 2 | How can I get DS(11) to stop flippant rude comments/reactions at school?

Clementini · 2026-03-26T23:18:42+00:00

DS is in Year 6, he is bright, good-natured but he has this absolute inability to filter his 'smart' quips and reactions and it's getting him in trouble at school. There are times - not every time - where anything he sees as even mild criticism/correction of him doing something wrong (eg not filling in his book correctly, or at home, putting the wrong uniform on etc) he gets very defensive and rolls his eyes, and talks back to give some sort of made-up defence. We've gone over with him at home but he can't keep these thoughts to himself (even can't help commenting when we're talking to siblings, etc) - it's like nothing can override his need to have his say or the last word. It's getting noticed at school with him being sarcastic and backchatting when he can't seem to comprehend it's totally inappropriate. He's been sent to the office a few times, we've had a chat to his teacher, we all acknowledge that he's not super skilled at reading social situations so probably just defaults to 'quips'. Longer term yes - he needs to accept where he's done something wrong and correction/criticism isn't going to kill him - but in the short term how do we get him to keep his thoughts/reactions to himself and stop blurting out flippant remarks? (Or muttering them to his friend!) Even if he is being told off for a "genuinely" (or perceived) unfair reason he needs to pick his time and method of challenging this rather than just being facetious. I would say there's very rarely any real malice to it, just I can completely see how it would become infuriating and distracting at school. He's going to secondary school in September and clearly the teachers will have far less tolerance for this and he could get a name as a trouble-maker. My worry is he sees being told off for this as an overreaction to 'one word' or to 'moving my eyeballs' and resentment will build - because he doesn't grasp that it's disruptive and rude.

Original poster

Clementini · 27/03/2026 07:30

I’ll level with you: I was like this as a kid. And I hate to break it to you, but I’m still like it as an adult. And honestly? I’ve no regrets. I’m naturally sarcastic and I see the world through a lens of detached amusement. My main goal in life, really, is to be left to my own devices.

You and @Notmyreality are definitely speaking my language! I've had to sit on my hands on WhatsApp groups

OP posts:

Original poster

Clementini · 27/03/2026 07:43

Lougle · 27/03/2026 06:58

What is he like generally? Is he impulsive? Does he make careless mistakes (wrong uniform)? Does he interrupt or finish your sentences? Does he follow tasks through to the end or does he get distracted and leave it once the interesting parts are finished? Can he follow a conversation that isn't particularly interesting to him? Does he seem surprised when people react negatively to his comments?

I ask because I vividly remember being like your DS in early secondary school. I got sent out of the class once for rolling my eyes. I hadn't realised my frustration had 'leaked'.

I've had to work really hard to channel all my energy into a constructive contribution because my brain was working so fast that I'd come up with the answer, get frustrated that people were still processing the information, and I'd want to move on.

As an adult I was known for sitting quietly in governance meetings, letting people debate backwards and forwards, then saying something which summarised the conversation, giving a conclusion and much of the time the issue was resolved. So I did learn to hold back and keep my powder dry, so to speak.

Earlier this year I was diagnosed with both ASD and ADHD. Not surprising, looking back, but I wish I had known earlier and could have had support to develop skills earlier.

Does he go to private school? You mention wrong uniform, which implies he has a couple to use?

Strategies:

Could he have a timetable with which uniform for which day/time? Visual aids can help
Some kids benefit from a 'blurt book'. if they're aware that they just need to get their thoughts out, they can write them down. It doesn't work so well for kids who aren't aware that they're doing it.
Could you help him to identify his feelings? "I'm feeling frustrated because you're telling me off for having the wrong uniform on when I was trying to be organised by getting my uniform on."
One boy I knew of as a governor was given tokens. He was allowed 5 tokens and he could use one if he needed to talk about something off topic.
Could you make sure that at home you build in opportunities for him to share his opinion constructively? It might be that by doing that his frustration drops and he learns to wait because he knows that he will get a chance to share.
Talking through the issues such as 'not everyone is going to have the right answer in class, and the teacher isn't really worried about whether people get it right, they are more interested in them joining in/thinking about the subject/coming up with an idea then whether their idea is right' can help.

If he does have ADHD, he's more likely to have something called 'Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria', which is a feeling of hurt and despair (sometimes milder than others) that leads to a seemingly out of proportion reaction to the criticism/insult/failure to meet expectation.

I might be completely up the wrong tree, but several things you have said make me think that he's probably not just being an entitled, irritating little boy.

Thank you so much for this.
No not private school, they just wear PE kit some days and normal uniform on others. He does think this teacher is particularly strict and I think there's possibly a sense of inconsistency because his last teacher, although strict, was buddy-ish with bright kids like him... I get the impression that a small amount of friendly "banter" (hate that word but kid-appropriate) was indulged...

We've long thought there are particular areas where he has a big but fragile ego eg we could NOT teach him to ride a bike - he was frustrated he couldn't do it immediately, would not take any instruction and was incredibly touchy. He does get upset and cry at serious conversations about things like this.

I had a quick chat with him about this yesterday at school (alone while we were waiting for something) and he seemed genuine and "yes I know that now that it's rude and I've stopped now" then a bit later at home where he got defensive because he hadn't intended to be rude and... tellingly... said incredulously "oh what, are you really saying that EVERYONE thinks about what they're going to say before they say it?!" and didn't believe us when we said that's usual (obviously not in all circumstances)!

OP posts:

Foxhasbigsocks · 27/03/2026 07:48

One of mine is like this. Now dx with ADHD

Lougle · 27/03/2026 07:53

Clementini · 27/03/2026 07:43

Thank you so much for this.
No not private school, they just wear PE kit some days and normal uniform on others. He does think this teacher is particularly strict and I think there's possibly a sense of inconsistency because his last teacher, although strict, was buddy-ish with bright kids like him... I get the impression that a small amount of friendly "banter" (hate that word but kid-appropriate) was indulged...

We've long thought there are particular areas where he has a big but fragile ego eg we could NOT teach him to ride a bike - he was frustrated he couldn't do it immediately, would not take any instruction and was incredibly touchy. He does get upset and cry at serious conversations about things like this.

I had a quick chat with him about this yesterday at school (alone while we were waiting for something) and he seemed genuine and "yes I know that now that it's rude and I've stopped now" then a bit later at home where he got defensive because he hadn't intended to be rude and... tellingly... said incredulously "oh what, are you really saying that EVERYONE thinks about what they're going to say before they say it?!" and didn't believe us when we said that's usual (obviously not in all circumstances)!

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I would say that you should look into ADHD. Partly because being very intelligent with ADHD is a tricky combination. I completely came unstuck at A levels because I had coasted through school to GCSEs, passed with flying colours despite doing none of the homework, but at A level I had none of the study skills needed to succeed and so much of the work was boring and tedious that I had no motivation to try.

My degree was much more successful because it was stimulating and I could deep dive into niche areas of modules for my assignments.

Aniccaanicca · 27/03/2026 07:55

lxn889121 · 27/03/2026 04:41

I would start by an honest reflection on where he has learned this.

I don't mean this as a criticism, but most of our children learn communication styles by copying others. Obviously parents are the most prominent, but friends, TV etc. all have an impact. I would start by trying to figure out where he learned this style of dealing with people.

Then after that, I would just focus on segmenting his communication and heavily pushing him to understand how to divide different social situations.

For example, (hypothetical...) lets say his dad reacts like this at home a lot. It might seem normal to him, but does his dad do this at work? Probably not. Yet to a little kid, they don't see that distinction. So that is what I would be trying to guide him into. He is old enough now to be able to grasp the idea that different situations = different types of communication.

That way, you aren't teaching him that he is wrong in how he communicates, but just that he needs to adapt and keep certain things for certain situations.

This is so valuable. What I have learned is our child is our mirror. When I stop finding faults in them and start to work on myself, their behaviours change too.

Ahsheeit · 27/03/2026 07:58

One of my boys was like this. It was defensiveness and a fear of getting things wrong and rejection. He learned to rein it in as he matured.

AgnesX · 27/03/2026 08:00

Notmyreality · 27/03/2026 06:37

Sounds like me. My first thought on pretty much any comment is a witty sarcastic retort. A skill to be encouraged and nurtured in this day and age of humourless interactions for fear of offending anyone.
He just needs to learn the part about time and place to say it out loud.

You think so? It usually gives you a reputation for being a smart aleck; unless used sparingly.

Notmyreality · 27/03/2026 08:01

AgnesX · 27/03/2026 08:00

You think so? It usually gives you a reputation for being a smart aleck; unless used sparingly.

Edited

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See, all I took away from that comment is you think I’m smart.
I can live with that.

CamillaMcCauley · 27/03/2026 08:29

PoppinjayPolly · 27/03/2026 07:12

Have adults actually said that to you? “Gosh your son is very mature in his back chat”?

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He doesn’t back chat. His teachers have praised him for the mature way he accepts feedback.

Severntrent · 27/03/2026 08:45

My son is still like this in yr9. Some really helpful advice in this thread which I'll be putting into practice. Wish I had done it earlier. I think school have written him off as a bit of an arrogant smartarse teenage boy, which is partly fair enough, but I do wish they had suggested some strategies like those suggested here. I wonder how they would respond if I approached them about it - they've not been good so far when I've asked about how to get him more focused etc.
I can implement at home, but I do think they should have some more expertise than me!
Sorry to derail! Thanks for the thread.

dizzydizzydizzy · 27/03/2026 09:51

I agree with @Lougle. It’s worth looking into ADHD.

DC2 struggled all through secondary school. I had no idea what was wrong, nor did the school. Age 16, the school counsellor gave them loads of screeners for various conditions including ADHD. The results of all were normal. After completing their A-Levels, something they said finally made me realise they were dyslexic. I then organised an assessment. Then they started university and I also realised they had ADHD. The diagnosis was incredibly helpful because I now understand DC2 much better and it makes it easier to help them. DC2 has been prescribed Ritalln but doesn’t take it very often. They are better when they do take it.

In one of DC2’s ADHD consultations, I realised I also had it. I’m now on Elvanse and it is life-changingly effective.

BauhausOfEliott · 27/03/2026 12:54

AgnesX · 27/03/2026 08:00

You think so? It usually gives you a reputation for being a smart aleck; unless used sparingly.

Edited

Show quote history

So what?

In my lifelong experience of being a smart aleck, I’d say it’s a lot more fun than biting my tongue and doffing my cap all day. It’s not the end of the world if earnest people and bores don’t like you. Nobody’s for everyone.

ScottishNI · 27/03/2026 18:29

Lougle · 27/03/2026 06:58

What is he like generally? Is he impulsive? Does he make careless mistakes (wrong uniform)? Does he interrupt or finish your sentences? Does he follow tasks through to the end or does he get distracted and leave it once the interesting parts are finished? Can he follow a conversation that isn't particularly interesting to him? Does he seem surprised when people react negatively to his comments?

I ask because I vividly remember being like your DS in early secondary school. I got sent out of the class once for rolling my eyes. I hadn't realised my frustration had 'leaked'.

I've had to work really hard to channel all my energy into a constructive contribution because my brain was working so fast that I'd come up with the answer, get frustrated that people were still processing the information, and I'd want to move on.

As an adult I was known for sitting quietly in governance meetings, letting people debate backwards and forwards, then saying something which summarised the conversation, giving a conclusion and much of the time the issue was resolved. So I did learn to hold back and keep my powder dry, so to speak.

Earlier this year I was diagnosed with both ASD and ADHD. Not surprising, looking back, but I wish I had known earlier and could have had support to develop skills earlier.

Does he go to private school? You mention wrong uniform, which implies he has a couple to use?

Strategies:

Could he have a timetable with which uniform for which day/time? Visual aids can help
Some kids benefit from a 'blurt book'. if they're aware that they just need to get their thoughts out, they can write them down. It doesn't work so well for kids who aren't aware that they're doing it.
Could you help him to identify his feelings? "I'm feeling frustrated because you're telling me off for having the wrong uniform on when I was trying to be organised by getting my uniform on."
One boy I knew of as a governor was given tokens. He was allowed 5 tokens and he could use one if he needed to talk about something off topic.
Could you make sure that at home you build in opportunities for him to share his opinion constructively? It might be that by doing that his frustration drops and he learns to wait because he knows that he will get a chance to share.
Talking through the issues such as 'not everyone is going to have the right answer in class, and the teacher isn't really worried about whether people get it right, they are more interested in them joining in/thinking about the subject/coming up with an idea then whether their idea is right' can help.

If he does have ADHD, he's more likely to have something called 'Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria', which is a feeling of hurt and despair (sometimes milder than others) that leads to a seemingly out of proportion reaction to the criticism/insult/failure to meet expectation.

I might be completely up the wrong tree, but several things you have said make me think that he's probably not just being an entitled, irritating little boy.

I agree with you.

Original poster

Clementini · 27/03/2026 19:02

I hear what you're saying about ADHD - my knowledge of ADHD is admittedly a bit lacking and I know it can present differently but I don't think he entirely fits the profile... but some parts you've highlighted, quite possibly...?

For example the other day he decided he was going to make a stop-motion animation, made the models out of modelling clay, planned a short story and focused for ages filming it steadily while moving just a tiny amount each time. So definitely is able to focus more than you might expect from a typical y6 boy.

He's not a particularly fidgety or reckless with anything except what he says...

OP posts:

GinaandGin · 27/03/2026 19:55

This was me
I wasn't back chatting
I was explaining
Sense of justice was triggered when I felt unfairly criticised

GlovedhandsCecilia · 27/03/2026 19:56

share.google/YVC7RxfRGZqwjJQdf

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 27/03/2026 20:01

Clementini · 27/03/2026 19:02

I hear what you're saying about ADHD - my knowledge of ADHD is admittedly a bit lacking and I know it can present differently but I don't think he entirely fits the profile... but some parts you've highlighted, quite possibly...?

For example the other day he decided he was going to make a stop-motion animation, made the models out of modelling clay, planned a short story and focused for ages filming it steadily while moving just a tiny amount each time. So definitely is able to focus more than you might expect from a typical y6 boy.

He's not a particularly fidgety or reckless with anything except what he says...

Look up ADHD and hyperfocus OP.

Lougle · 27/03/2026 20:10

Clementini · 27/03/2026 19:02

I hear what you're saying about ADHD - my knowledge of ADHD is admittedly a bit lacking and I know it can present differently but I don't think he entirely fits the profile... but some parts you've highlighted, quite possibly...?

For example the other day he decided he was going to make a stop-motion animation, made the models out of modelling clay, planned a short story and focused for ages filming it steadily while moving just a tiny amount each time. So definitely is able to focus more than you might expect from a typical y6 boy.

He's not a particularly fidgety or reckless with anything except what he says...

Honestly... That's hallmark ADHD. DD3 decided to learn to knit. She went from zero knitting experience to a beautiful jumper knitted on circular knitting needles in 3 days.

I used to find it impossible to get work done unless I had so much pressure. My worst example was walking into the library at 9 am, pulling a whole load of textbooks off the shelf, then reading, researching, writing and submitting my essay by 2 pm deadline. I got a 1st for that essay.

It's better to get the ball rolling before the pressure really starts in secondary school.

Cocobear66 · 27/03/2026 23:22

At the moment your son is a large fish by in a small pond, when he goes into year 7 he’ll be a small fish in a bigger pond. He’ll quieten down a bit but you’ll get several episodes of this, as they’re maturing and hormones are racing. My son has just turned 18 and he’s so cocky at the moment he knows everything as far as he’s concerned. I found it’s best to pick my battles with him. One thing is everyone says how polite he is when out. Good luck

Original poster

Clementini · 27/03/2026 23:29

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 27/03/2026 20:01

Look up ADHD and hyperfocus OP.

Show quote history

Genuinely what I got....! I'm going to bed.

How can I get DS(11) to stop flippant rude comments/reactions at school?

OP posts:

Lindtnotlint · 28/03/2026 01:50

My y5 DS has this (and, weirdly, also failed to learn to ride a bike!). We had a lot of success with a very serious discussion with me and DH. We told him we were supportive and on his side but this behaviour had to stop because reasons a b c and we were here to help him fix it and talk about how. We then remind him every single day before school. All incredibly tedious (and it took a second round of the “serious chat” before we really got it sorted) but we seem to be in a good place now.

JoeyJava · 28/03/2026 08:25

Punish as required, but ultimately just wait for him to grow out of it tbh. Punishments from his school + a clip from his peers when he pisses them off should set him straight.