4 yr old will only use potty not toilet

[mad88]

Hi. I'm about at the end of my tether with my four year old. He's been potty trained for 10 months. He was late at training and very resistant to it. I'm trying desperately to get him to use the toilet instead of the potty but he's flat out refused and sits on the toilet crying but will not pee. I know it's going to be asked so no he doesn't have an intellectual disability. He doesn't have autism I know that autistic kids can have toileting issues but he really doesn't show the other symptoms associated with it . I'm thinking ADHD but he's also young to be assessed. It's actually impacting my mental health now. I also am just so angry and frustrated with him over it. Has anyone dealt with this issue before or has any advice?

At 4 I would just move to full on bribery, chocolate, sticker, coin whatever it takes to make him do it on the toilet each time for a few days and then drop the treats.
Surely it just be a nightmare to go anywhere with him! Does he not go to school or preschool?

Has he said why? Not while he’s upset and sitting on the floor crying but at a quiet time when he’s relaxed or at bedtime. Is he worried he’s going to fall in or something like that? Or that something will come up the toilet and bite him on the bum? Could be anything. What does he do when you’re out and about, will he use a normal loo in a shop or cafe?

My son was resistant to the loo as he has to go up a step and he’d rather just go on the potty as it’s easier but I took it away and he’s just got used to the toilet. He’s 2 so probably much shorter than your son. We had a nightmare using toilets out after one of those bastard self flushing sensor ones soaked him. I had to do an elaborate display of this is the flush, look it won’t do anything until someone does it on purpose, you won’t get wet etc and it got better.

The most obscene part of it is on holidays when we were in Bali he used the toilet there because he had no option 🙄 bribery so far hasn't worked. It seems like an anxiety thing.

Could you ask him to draw a picture of what he’s worried about?

He goes to pre school and will literally hold his bladder for 6 hrs. When I ask him why he changes the subject.

I’m not understanding why it’s such a big deal? He’s 4? He won’t be using the potty forever, or even when he’s 8,9,10. If that’s what he’s comfortable with why not just go with it? What you don’t want to do is make such a big deal out of it that he regresses, they pick up on anxiety and stress.

Honestly it’s not a hill I would die on with a 4 year old.

Because it results in him holding his bladder at school. He's meant to be going to school next year. He can't just go through life never using a toilet

I agree, it will be awful for him if he feels he can’t go in school.

Could you maybe pick a new kid toilet seat with him? Decorate it with stickers of his favourite character or something to make it seem more exciting?

Get rid of the potty? Say was an accident and it broke. Honestly it's really gross. And kids are good at adapting when they have to. Then make him drink loads of water.

He won’t go through life not using the toilet. What 30 year olds do you know that use a potty? 15 year olds? 8 year olds?

It’s just a phase. The more anxiety and stress you add to the situation the less likely he Is to use the toilet. He’s used it in Bali no problem.

Yes I'm probably exaggerating that he will never use the toilet but the fact that he's meant to be in school next year worries me terribly

Agree with others. I think this is less of a big deal than you think and in his own time he’ll get there. Some kids have a fear of the toilet because it feels like a vast cavernous space under them that they don’t understand. What if you made a little toilet roll nest in there. That might look less intimidating. And up the bribery but in a fun way. A proper toy for a week of using the toilet or something.

Relax. My ds (now 24) wouldn't use the toilet because he didn't like the size of the seat, he slipped once at his dads house and the top of the seat (the bit that closes) nearly fell on him.
Same with needing to stand up to have a wee. He was using the toilet by the time he went to school. The inserts that fit inside a normal seat helped.

Can you give the potty to the ‘fairy’ in exchange for a high value toy? That worked with my nephew.

Can you try getting him to wee standing up if he doesn't want to sit on the toilet? Maybe get his dad to show him and he can feel all grown up. Or put something in the toilet for him to aim at and make a game of it?

Could try him weeing standing up and the toilet roll thing. It's so exasperating I've tried bribery it hasn't worked.

September / starting school is still a long way away in the life of a 4 year old so there’s plenty of time to get the next step sorted by then rather than stressing about it and potentially your stress causing him anxiety. You mention it makes you angry and frustrated with him but preferring a potty really isn’t that unusual for a 4 year old.
Break it down into steps. So the first step was to stop wearing nappies which it looks like he’s managed. Yay, well done! Next hurdle to overcome is he needs to be able to use a toilet or potty when he’s at preschool as it isn’t healthy to hold it all day so can he take a spare potty with him? When my DD was first potty trained, the nursery let us bring her own potty which they kept there and we had another one at home. Once he’s gained his confidence back and hopefully seen other children his age using the preschool toilets, hopefully he will move on of his own accord. If not, then some bribes might encourage him. But I genuinely think from your posts that you stressing over the issue is probably fuelling his anxiety.

I'm in Australia so we have around 11 months until starting school. He starts Feb next year. Yep I agree i don't think my anxiety is helping the situation

I feel your pain! I got a family toilet seat with a step in front and devised a toilet desensitisation plan for over a 2 week period before my dd started reception. I did it really gradually with v low pressure because I knew if i forced it she would freak out more.

Day 1-3 potty placed next to toilet which was always set up with the kids seat and step ready, and let her use the potty as normal but talked about the new family seat “we have a new big girl toilet seat for when you’re ready!”
day 3-5 wow look at how the new toilet seat has a big girl seat on it! It will fit you perfectly! Do you want to see how it lifts up and down?
day 5 from tomorrow you can start practicing little sits on your big girl seat! Yes of course wees and poos still on potty if you want to, there’s no rush!
(day 5 she had the smallest sit “that’s amazing! Did it feel comfy??”) from tomorrow we can do practice sits at bedtime to help you get more confident!
day 6-7 help her sit - even a little sit counts, loads of praise for making small steps to success
day 7-9 build on that - sit more often and float the idea of trying a wee “when she’s ready”
day 9 onwards encouraged to try for a wee…

by this point I think she’s gained the confidence to do it by herself and started using the big girl toilet seat and was so proud of herself

to add to the motivation she got a new Gabbys dollhouse figure every day for doing her best -accompanied by a low pressure encouraging written note in the voice of the character (i used ChatGPT to make these and she loved seeing the surprise note and toy each morning)she has kept these notes, she thought they were real dollhouse deliveries, it’s quite sweet.

she got a big toy at the end for mastering it.

i was worried about her refusing to go to the toilet at school - she is a determined girl and would hold it in all day in defiance! I didn’t want her getting UTIs/constipation or having accidents and being picked on.

Sorry for the long post but this worked for me!

@mad88 That’s next year, you have plenty of time to work on it. I know it’s easy said but try not to worry. I don’t know if anyone else has mentioned it sorry I haven’t read the thread all the way through but I remember getting many years ago for my son like a little seat thing that you put under the toilet seat? I’ll try and see if I can find a link for something similar, but that can help the transition.

https://www.argos.co.uk/product/7049356

https://www.argos.co.uk/product/7330467

hope useful to you OP @mad88

Try sticking a toy fly on the toilet and offering a reward / points for weeing on it and getting a direct hit! Make the toilet fun.

My son was extremely resistant to using the toilet and it seemed like anxiety for him. I used advice from Eric website (fantastic resource btw) , we slowly built it up with lots of bribery… first it was sitting on the toilet lid (toilet lid down) with pants/trousers up for 2 seconds in exchange for chocolate or whatever, then progressing to ten seconds , then sitting on toilet seat with lid up but pants and trousers on for 1 second etc etc until over the course of a week he finally used it for both wee and poos. Some parents will think that’s insane but if you’ve had a truly resistant child (in our case ASD) then you really will do anything. Now it doesn’t bother him whatsoever , I honestly thought we’d never see the day