Argument at work

[CromartyForth]

NT for this, but long-time poster.

A female family member was diagnosed as autistic last year. They saw many similarities between their behaviour and difficulties and my own (I'm also female), and encouraged me also to seek a diagnosis. I now have a appointment in a few months' time for an ASD assessment.

I'm a teacher, and have taught in the same school for 15+ years. It's always been cliquey, and I've never been part of the clique - all my life, I've felt like the odd one out. There's also an element of uncanny valley, I think, from the NT to the ND. Anyhow, I wasn't especially bothered about this until about eighteen months ago someone let slip that there was a staff WhatsApp social group which pretty much everyone - support staff, too - had been invited to join except me and a few others. I was upset about this, and went into the staff room less and less; it just doesn't feel at all a welcoming place to me.

Yesterday, I was standing by the kettle and a member of the clique asked me why I hadn't gone to the Christmas social. Me being ND, I explained that I had been deliberately excluded from the WhatsApp group, and therefore didn't feel like socialising with colleagues on the rare occasions they asked me to. She didn't take this well.

Only now do I realise that the colleague wasn't actually seeking information, but saying I'd like some superficially friendly conversation whilst I wait for the kettle to boil. I don't think I'm ever going to get the hang of NT communication.

I'm not really sure what I want from this thread, other than - hopefully - some validation that other ND mumsnetters find NT conversations difficult, too.

How stupid so they have to be to pretend they don't know who the admin is? It's literally next to names on the members' list. I think your HR and Head are being pretty weak here - if the majority of staff are included that's not the same as a couple of friends. They are excluding a minority not inviting a minority

I think your response was perfect.
It reminds me of when I was back at school and there was a whole year party held in the summer holidays that everyone except maybe 4 or 5 were invited to. I was on a sports team with the party host, we were partners in a science class but no invite came my way. I was devastated but said nothing. On return to school, someone asked me in front of the party host why i hadn't gone, had I been on holiday or something. I just said no, I wasn't invited. And let the party host, who was at my side, feel the embarrassment. I wasn't going to lie to let her save face.

Thank you @user1471453601 for your lovely, kind, thoughtful reaction.

@Quitelikeit you are absolutely right, and I need to try to stop thinking about it.

@Phase2 I agree that the management are being weak. I considered raising a grievance for workplace bullying, but I haven't got long to go until I can afford to retire and I'll be out of the place. I also feel I have enough to deal with coming to terms with my probable ASD.

@Catnuzzle good for you! That's exactly what I would have said in your situation.

I'm NT and I'd have said the same thing- I have a zero tolerance approach to cliques, bullying, passive aggression.

Was the staff social organised within the Whatsapp group or semi-officially via the school email?

Either way there were better things to talk about whilst the kettle boils. It's pretty much always the weather or TV when I'm sorting out my pot noodle. I do think she was deliberately stirring. Sorry! You are worth a 100 of her though.

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling. I work in a school, too, and although there isn't any direct bullying, there is a lot of "office politics" that I try to avoid and often fail miserably.

There was some sort of secret Christmas party at my school too. It seemed to be one department plus some select guests, rather than everyone, but it is absolutely awful to have conversations about "our party" or sharing taxis or them begging the new dad who would prefer to sleep to come anyway shoved in your face whilst you are trying to look professional and do your actual job. (There was a proper night out that everyone was invited to and a trip to the local pub on the last day of term though)

Easier said than done, but please don't waste your energy worrying about them. Sometimes it's fun to sit back and watch all the fall out. They spend the whole year slagging each other off behind their backs, then pretend to be friends for the Christmas party season. 😳🤔

Teacher here.

The school you teach at has a WhatsApp social group where only the "Annointed Ones" are allowed to be a member?

That's a Red Flag right there.

File it under other red flags such as having to do lunchtime clubs, too many after school meetings, nonsensical INSET and "unofficial" lesson observations.

Sounds like a very toxic environment.

I would have started looking for a new job YEARS AGO!!

Thanks for replying @MadameWombat . The Christmas do (which was actually after INSET on the first day back) was organised on work email. I know that other get-togethers are arranged on the WhatsApp group, though. One incident which especially upset me was that shortly after my accidental discovery of the WA group, a member of the clique had a milestone birthday. There was a huge fuss made about this, and photos around the staffroom of social events which I (and the other excluded ones) had no idea had even happened.

I actually feel much better for having spoken my mind to this woman; it was definitely cathartic. She really didn't like having her passive-aggressive, bullying behaviour pointed out to her! Charmingly, she also tried some victim-blaming, "You have to make an effort and come along anyway," type comments. I couldn't explain to her that being ND means that I am anxious about any social situation, never mind ones where I know I am unwelcome. It's not pleasant passing the pub, where I know they are, on my way home on Friday but I'd definitely feel hostile vibes if I randomly joined them.

@Knowitall69 I went through a phase of applying for jobs elsewhere, but I'm old and expensive. It's simpler to wait it out until retirement now. I also have an exceptionally easy commute.

Thank you to everyone who has contributed and made me feel better. As mentioned upthread, I don't want to be part of their clique. It's simply my heightened sense of justice, feeling that if they have a WA group that includes the name of the school, then there should be an open invitation for all employees to join. Otherwise, call it something else.

Have a good weekend.

Only now do I realise that the colleague wasn't actually seeking information, but saying I'd like some superficially friendly conversation whilst I wait for the kettle to boil. I don't think I'm ever going to get the hang of NT communication

Well I think asking why didn’t you go to the social was not really in the realm of superficially friendly conversation and it wasn’t your responsibility to come up with a bland excuse.

She said they can choose to socialise with people they like - the clear implication being they don't like me.

She asked on purpose to either make you feel uncomfortable and force you to pretend that you didn't know why, or so that she could report back to her little coven about how "CromartyForth is so thick that she hasn't even figured out that there's a Whatsapp group" and they could all have a laugh at your expense.

I think that your truthful approach is absolutely fine and blew her shitstirring out of the water.