ADHD mentor

[WorriesMum23]

Hi

my dd (13) has the worse adhd the school has ever seen

the big issue is she just can not let an argument lie or understand the teacher is not her mate. She sees injustice in every telling off and is ultimately disruptive.

we are on course for medication but due to shortages this keeps getting delayed

so my question- is there somewhere I could find a mentor? Someone with adhd who understands how she feels but also can explain how being disruptive and argumentative is not helpful. Kind of explain the rules of the game I suppose.

she’s a good kid and the school acknowledge that she is trying and she deep down wants to succeed and ‘be good’ but she’s struggling and any conversation with me ends in ‘you don’t understand’

I’ve tried the books but she won’t engage

i know what you mean about the masking but school are going to expel her if she doesn’t rein it in. In life don’t we all have to mask to fit in to norms sometimes? It just feels like this is the hardest time of her life when it comes to puberty and her adhd and she also has to fit into a school system and do important exams (she struggles with exams - not the knowledge but the exams themselves)

Yes masks can be helpful in different situations. I agree, it is crazy that its all sandwiched around the same time.

This is the “everyone is a bit ADHD” thing.

Everyone pees, but if you have to do it 300 times a day it’s a problem. Masking all day, because the school system isn’t set up for neurodivergence is exhausting and a front runner for horrendous mental health concerns. Schools should be adapting to allow children to learn. Not force everyone into the same boxes.

DD’s best friend is being assessed for autism and has been registered from school because it was making her suicidal. School couldn’t flex enough so she’s out. It’s an absolute abomination.

She would hate to not be at school - she loves being around people

What about making a deal if she can hold it in with the teachers, she can come home and moan to you about it, and you will make space for her just to listen and say you will not judge. Maybe she can signal to you before hand this is a venting conversation and doesn't need solutions.

Also maybe planning around some low key fun social things so she can let steam off.

Agree masking is exhausting , if you do it 5 days a week at work or in a job , you will either stare at a wall all weekend, or have explosions with your loved ones.

I'm in my early 40s now so a long way since school so am not really able to know what is reasonable to request for support at school.

We are subject to pretty horrific treatment once she’s home as we let her unmask and let it all out

if she could just stop being a distraction that would be a huge help!!

I’ve already said all of this.

DD’s school seem to be doing a lot more than the OP’s DD’s school, but it has taken quite a bit of engagement from me to get here. What have you actually asked them for, OP?

We’ve had many meetings (very few with senco) and I got an ed psych in to do am assessment which we could give to school. She’s having therapy and we are trying to get medication. We always advocate for her whilst also supporting the school. I feel like I’m always talking to someone at school!!

I just feel helpless!!

I've been enjoying SENDCast podcast recently, maybe have a look at their episodes (though I thought their one on ADHD medication was crap and very frustrating because it had such bad information in it - most of the episodes are really good) there might be one about how to deal with ADHD/impulse control related interruptions in class?

Thanks. Will look it up

Are you sure this isn’t about her getting a dopamine hit
We have to get our dopamine from somewhere and arguing semantics will give her the buzz she needs.

A mentor won’t be able to do anything unless they can find away of giving her the dopamine she craves

its like telling someone not to blink otherwise their life will be a disaster

I think this can happen. You get stuck in the strict parent naughty child narrative and actually it's just rewarding the behaviour with attention which is more dopamine. You could just ignore it and let natural consequences play out. What about giving her more creative activities to do at home and counselling for how to deal with emotions? If you constantly tell her what to do, she'll try and apply it, inevitably it probably won't always work as she hasn't come up with it herself, then she'll ask you lots of questions, which has you doing more worrying and feeling less confident and more stressed. She just needs to get into a little happy space where she can get on with focusing on things that make her happy.

I’m biased because I am an ADHD coach but I’d really recommend ADHD coaching - and there are some coaches who specifically work with teens.

coaching would help her figure out strategies and understand herself better - plus help with emotional regulation.

I coach adults but recommend https://www.indigo-hub.com/coaching/