Disappointed with friends reaction when disclosing my ADHD diagnosis…

[Zebrasandfairytales]

Is it just me?

I’m a 35 year old mum of two, married with a relatively successful job, but after an extremely difficult period mental health wise and an intensive course of CBT, my psychologist undertook the assessment for ADHD and it came out as markedly severe, predominantly inattention, She’s now referred it on via my GP for a formal assessment.

I saw some friends at the weekend and they were asking about it in a way that made me feel very uncomfortable. I’m just really hurt that my two closest friends are questioning why I want to pursue my ADHD diagnosis. I am sensitive but could just feel they had discussed it outside of/prior to our conversation, I knew they both doubted what I was saying and their questions and challenges just made me feel so uncomfortable. I genuinely don’t think they meant it to come across in the way it did, and we had had a few glasses of wine, but I felt backed in to a corner and a bit attacked.

When I spoke to them, the first thing they said was what do I think a diagnosis will bring to me? What will it change? It felt like they thought I was overreacting or being unreasonable. Saying that they don’t think it can be hyperactivity or combined type and obviously I couldn’t possibly be considering or needing medication because I’m not hyperactive etc. etc.

Why not? Why wouldn’t I?! It hurts me that the people I love have responded like this (twice now), and it puts me off talking to them about it in future, like it’s implying that It won’t help or it’s a figment of my imagination or wrong or misguided. You would never ask your friend what they think they will gain by going to see the doctor or a specialist about their physical health issue. Because I want to know! If you suspected something was wrong with you physically, you would go to the doctor. Why is this different? Isn’t that enough?

Why do I need to justify it to the only people I’ve spoken to about it so far? I can see why people give up and don’t pursue it. I feel demoralised before I’ve even really begun. I just feel so sad, undermined, disappointed and like this has emphasised that I’m really the only person who gets me at all. I am the only person gets why I would need to do this. I never thought I would have to justify it to someone I love.

it just puts me off disclosing it to my family and others, my two closest friends in the world don’t even believe me and they have seen loads of examples of me struggling in school, college, social situations etc.

have others experienced this? Why do I feel like I need to prove I’m not making this up?!

@FMLpassthegin and @wheresmymojo this is really interesting and I loved reading your posts today, thank you! I really agree with what you’ve said. Whilst I struggle with all of the things you mention @FMLpassthegin actually there is strength in the variety and nature of project/programme management and it enables me to move between things - keeping me keen!

I do think there are times when I’ve hung on by the skin of my teeth and my ability to hyperfocus has saved my bacon on the regular but I really like the sound of body doubling… might consider trying to co-opt an ally!

Loving these posts about being successful with ADHD (even if this is with some adjustment and strategies). I’ve been so irritated by the ‘but you can’t have ADHD because…’ reflex reaction of some people.

Symptoms/behaviours were documented as far back as the 1700s. Studies of ADHD have suggested up to 5% of humans might have ADHD. Humanity needs a proportion of risk-takers and innovators. It is under-diagnosed and doesn’t always need medication or to be ‘fixed’. Some of the strategies would be helpful to everyone.

@FiniteSagacity yes definitely!

I felt quite sad when I started this thread but actually it has helped me to consider different viewpoints and strategies - particularly from a career perspective.

has anyone had ADHD coaching in the professional sense? Wondering if that could help…

I worry a bit about telling people, I don't make a thing of it and was almost ashamed of my diagnosis, my very supportive husband seemed to want me to keep it to myself too. BUT 2 of my children have ASD and ADHD... how could I teach them that there was nothing wrong with being different if I couldn't own it myself ?? I felt I owed it to them to stand up and say this is me, this is what ADHD looks like ... its not naughty boys swinging from lampshades, its not educational drop outs... its people who have worked damn hard to overcome their challenges and live functional lives. I wanted them to see what they could do, not what people thought their 'label' meant for them. I'm a doctor, I'm married, I have 3 children... but life is harder, I do struggle and screw up ( not at work... that gets the very best of me, it just doesnt leave much left over for the non work bits of life !). and that's ok too. I take adhd meds to help me function better just like they do.

That all sounds a bit soap boxy !! But I'm proud of my boys and I want them to be proud of themselves too and not feel lesser because of their ADHD... none of us should. NT friends and family will never understand. I've given up explaining..all I can do is show them but I do now say what I'm finding hard and what they can do to help me.

@Didiplanthis yes - I can really empathise with this. Not wanting to hide it or mask any longer whilst also accepting that some family and friends may never understand.

it feels like a lot some days but on the other hand self awareness and treading this new path has been amazing too - finally understanding myself - hard but amazing.

I’ve had the assessment through my psychologist and I'm now on the waiting list for Psychiatry UK via my GP.