Webchat with journalist and author Matthew Syed about boosting kids' confidence: Wednesday 18 April at 9pm

[RachelMumsnet]

Journalist, olympian and best selling author Matthew Syed is joining us for a webchat on Wednesday 18 April between 9 and 10pm to talk about this new book for children, which aims to teach them how to find confidence and believe they can be brilliant at (almost) anything.

You Are Awesome takes the themes and principles from his award winning adult novels Black Box Thinking and Bounce and recasts them for children aged 9+. Practical and insightful, this is the book to help children build resilience, embrace their mistakes and grow into successful, happy adults.

Join Matthew and put your questions to him on Wednesday between 9 and 10pm. If you're unable to join us then, post a question in advance on this thread.

Everyone who joins will be entered into a draw to win one of three copies of You Are Awesome.

Hi Matthew, my son is 15 and has been street dancing since he was 6 years old. He's really good and it continues to be his passion but it's getting to the stage where a lot of his friends have now stopped dancing and moved on to other things. Although he's a confident dancer, he does have a low self-esteem and has always struggled at School. He really wants to pursue his interest in dance when he finishes his GCSEs (next year) but is anxious about it all, wondering whether this is a feasible option - and I wondered whether you have any tips to offer for teenagers following a dream.

@OlennasWimple

Hi Matthew, thanks for doing this.

One of my DC's is a perfectionist and would rather not do something than risk getting it wrong, whether that's trying a new sport or even answering a question in class. How can we encourage her to give something a go and not worry about the consequences?

If I might try to sneak another question in... My other DC used to be confident and bubbly, but has recently suffered a sustained bout of bullying which has seen him become much more introverted and almost apologetic for himself. How do we get him back to the confident, outgoing boy he used to be? (Or is this a teenage thing, and he'll grow out of it eventually?)

Great question Olennas, thanks!
This is sooo important!! Taking risks, getting things wrong, looking silly from time to time. This is how we learn!!! Staying in the comfort zone and looking perfect is the ideal recipe for stagnation.

A great approach to shifting her mindset is as follows. Do not praise her when she does things perfectly. Instead say: "That was probably too easy. We should try to find a task that you can really learn from!"

Praise her whenever she takes on something new, when she takes an intellectual risk, when she asks a question to which she doesn't have the answer, and when she fails.

it will help her to see that growth utterly depends on taking risks, and that failures are not such terrible things! The world still turns.

Also maybe share stories of the failures of successful people. I have many in my new book about JK Rowling, James Dyson, etc.

Any exam stress tips?

My 9yo daughter is confident at school and bright has lots of friends but we are having trouble with her waking up in the night with worries. Her main one being stopping breathing! She has an inhaler but does not need it regularly yet in the middle of the night she takes it because of her worries and feeling anxious

@InspiredByIntegrity

My son is a keen sportsman and tries hard, coaches say he is 'coachable' and seems resilient about failure in sport (plays a team sport & an individual one). However, it is not the same picture with his studies. He is capable of great results but seems to have that thing of not wanting to try so he can't have done his best and then not do so great. He's not disruptive etc it just plays out in his head. As parents we are fairly laid back (eg check he has done his homework but not the quantity/quality).

What top tips can you offer for trying to get him into the same mindset over school ? Thanks.

Thanks InspiredByIntegrity

This is a classic problem. It seems to me that he has a growth oriented perspective towards his sport but not his studies. It is possible that he has been labelled by his teachers (consciously or otherwise) as sporty rather than academic.

Really worthy sitting down and asking him to explain how he has improved at sport. What processes did he use. Get him to see that it has been a journey driven by practice, commitment and passion.

Then explain that precisely the same process will drive improvement in his studies. He is not "non academic"; he has the potential to flourish in maths, English, you name it. He just needs to drop that implicit label along with its self-limiting internal dynamic

@CalmConfident

How do you suggest building confidence when siblings seem to have a constant need to “get one up” on the others to build themselves up? I am tired of the conflict

Hi CalmConfident - with two kids a year apart, I know what you mean!!!

Some sibling rivalry is inevitable and probably healthy. Confidence is not about always winning, but about learning from the times when things go wrong. That takes real confidence. You might call it resilience. My book looks at techniques to build this quality.

Siblings can be rivals, but they can also be collaborators and teachers. Ideally, a combination of all three!

Hi Matthew, I've been reading You Are Awesome and love it. How fantastic that you've been able to adapt the wisdom of your earlier books for kids in such a natural and compelling way. Can you tell us a bit about how you came to write the book and also how you selected the case studies - there's some really interesting stories in there!

What would you change about education, given your experience and research? Either PE or any other aspect.

@YellowDiamond77

Hi Matthew, Any tips for encouraging a 5 year old to have a "can do" attitude re sports? He is the youngest in his year and not naturally sporty. He enjoys running and kicking a ball around, but is already becoming discouraged by the fact that the others are much faster and more skilled than him. How can I keep his interest up and stop him comparing himself to others? He is naturally competitive Thanks

Thanks YellowDiamond - great question.

MIght be worth saying that competing and training with older kids is a terrific way to improve! Also worth talking to his teachers about the relative age effect. They might otherwise mistake his relative youth for a lack of potential. This happens a lot in sport, sadly!

@3littlebadgers

Hi Matthew, my daughter (9) suffered three traumatic life events within a short space of time including the stillbirth of her much wanted baby sister three years ago. Since then she has lost the sparkle in her eyes. School is involved giving her 1-1 sessions but the littlest of things can break her.

Any advice about what we can do to help build up her resilience?

Thanks Badgers, appreciate the question very much.

i won't comment on the issue of grief and trauma, not knowing the specific details or how much it affected her. I am, of course, very sorry.

But the little things breaking her - that is wholly addressable. These challenges, mistakes, failures, setbacks - it sounds as if she is currently interpreting them as personal indictments. Things to be embarrassed about. Reasons to give up.

Tell her as many stories as possible of people who have been successful. For each such story will encompass setbacks aplenty.

They will help her to understand that to live is to fail; we all mess up.
But we have complete control over how we react to these setbacks.

Hi Matthew
Are there any particular qualities your own parents had that helped you build your confidence as you were growing up?
Full disclosure, I worked with your mum for a while back in the day

@BookerG

Hi Matthew, my son is 15 and has been street dancing since he was 6 years old. He's really good and it continues to be his passion but it's getting to the stage where a lot of his friends have now stopped dancing and moved on to other things. Although he's a confident dancer, he does have a low self-esteem and has always struggled at School. He really wants to pursue his interest in dance when he finishes his GCSEs (next year) but is anxious about it all, wondering whether this is a feasible option - and I wondered whether you have any tips to offer for teenagers following a dream.

Thanks Booker - this is tough. The glib answer is: follow your dreams. But it takes a serious amount of thought to figure out if the dream is realistic and can end up as a future career.

My strongest advice would be to hedge. To keep options open for as long as possible. That (contrary to the stereotype) is what great entrepreneurs do. They are supreme risk managers, keeping feasible options alive even as they take bets.

Even top sportsmen have enough hours in the day to continue studying alongside their sporting practice. It is quite wrong to suppose that you have to put all your eggs in one basket!

@snewname

Any exam stress tips?

Hi there

Best tip is to practice doing questions under exam conditions. Get used to being timed. Get familiar with the past papers. Get timed essays marked by the teachers to learn how to improve. All these things will settle things down.

An exam is an opportunity not a threat. But it is a nightmare to walk into an exam without being prepared for the unique conditions that one will confront...

@RachelMumsnet

Hi Matthew, I've been reading You Are Awesome and love it. How fantastic that you've been able to adapt the wisdom of your earlier books for kids in such a natural and compelling way. Can you tell us a bit about how you came to write the book and also how you selected the case studies - there's some really interesting stories in there!

Thanks Rachel!!!

After writing books for adults, I got so many emails from parents asking if I could collate the same ideas in a way that could engage children. That was my inspiration.

I needed some guidance on some of the case studies!! All my role models are probably way too old to resonate with youngsters today. I had to sharpen up my knowledge of youth culture!!!

When Matthew last joined us, he shared his top tips for teens coping with exam stress which you can see here on MN YouTube channel.

@Cismyfatarse

What would you change about education, given your experience and research? Either PE or any other aspect.

Thanks Cis - I think many schools and teachers are doing amazing work. However, I think that if I were to make one generalised critique it would be this: for all the concepts that young people learn, there isn't enough emphasis on the softer, more social skills.

Initiative, resilience, public speaking, social interaction. All those things that are so crucial in the real world. And all of which can be practiced and mastered!

@Lovelylovelyllamas

Hi Matthew Are there any particular qualities your own parents had that helped you build your confidence as you were growing up? Full disclosure, I worked with your mum for a while back in the day

Thanks LovelyLLamas! You worked with my mum - no way! Then you'll know what an incredible woman she is!

My parents were amazing. They always emphasised a "can do" attitude, told me that losing didn't matter so long as you learned the lessons, and told me that their love wasn't conditional on success.

Mum and dad were the single greatest asset of my life. Two truly amazing, positive and liberating people!!!!

Thank you everyone, hugely enjoyed being here tonight.

Really appreciate the questions!

Hope to do it again...

Matthew

Thanks Matthew and to everyone who joined us tonight.

Congratulations to YellowDiamond77, snewname and Jo2131 who have each won a copy of You Are Awesome. We'll be in touch in the morning on PM to get your details.

Thanks Matthew. Great webchat. Clearly tailored answers !

Thanks Matthew, It all make sense now.
Also thanks mumsnet.

Thank you, Rachel, I shall pm you.
Thank you Matthew!