Adoption: live webchat with Oona King and Jeffrey Coleman, Mon, 31 Oct, 1-2pm

[GeraldineMumsnet]

To mark National Adoption Week (31 Oct-6 Nov), former Labour MP Oona King, herself an adopter, and Jeffrey Coleman from the British Association for Adoption & Fostering (BAAF) are our webchat guests this Monday lunchtime from 1-2pm.

There's an urgent need for more adopters and foster carers. In a recent speech, David Cameron announced a new focus on the 65,000 children in care. He said: "This may not seem like the biggest issue facing our country, but it is the biggest issue for these children. How can we have let this happen: we've got people flying all over the world to adopt babies, while the care system at home agonises about placing black children with white families..."

BAAF is urging people to consider offering a secure, loving home to a child or children, especially harder-to-place children, including sibling groups, children aged 5+, and those with disabilities.

Our guests: Oona King has adopted two children, both at 13 months, and Jeffrey Coleman is the director of BAAF's Southern Region, an expert on the issues surrounding adoption and fostering, and a social worker.

If you have a question or comment about any aspect of adoption, or fostering, that you'd like to put to Oona or Jeffrey, please join them at 1pm on 31 Oct, or post your question here.

Thank you.

I agree with your views on ethnic matching, Oona. I am white (dp black) but my mum has 8 mixed race half-siblings, raised at a time when it was considered best not to talk about their racial difference, and I do think that was a big problem for the whole family.

Having said which, I'm always fascinated by what this may mean in practice. For example, although our adopted dd is a great match for us ethnically (white UK and black Caribbean) my dp's posh middle class Caribbean childhood couldn't be further removed from our dd's birth family. In many ways, my council-flat-in-Sarf-London heritage is closer! And I was slightly puzzled that I, as a white mother, wasn't ever really questioned at how I would raised a mixed race child. I think it was kind of assumed that my black partner would 'do' all that stuff...

Also very puzzled by the friend of mine (white UK) who wasn't allowed to adopt a white UK child because her dp came from an EU country. They had to wait for a child who was half white UK and half from the other country. Why why why? A white UK child, living in London, with a white UK mother and a father who can bring another cultural tradition into the family seems to me a plus, not a minus.

Just goes to show that all the rules and policies in the world get trumped by the care, sensitivity and common sense of whoever is putting them into practice.

Thanks Jeffrey and Oona. Have to just point out, Oona, that those of us in same sex partnerships are CONSTANTLY quizzed about our relationship to our children! It IS one more burden, as is possible bullying for having two mums, but I am glad that social workers are beginning to accept that this can be outweighed by the positives we can bring to our children.

Thanks Oona, I too am the mixed race child of a white single mother and am so grateful that my mum worked so hard to make us kids proud of who we are.
My name is Ebony (I feel a name change coming on!) and would love for you too pass on my love and best wishes.

Sorry folks, we're out of time.

Thanks v much to Oona and Jeffrey for coming on - and thanks to everyone who has taken part.

@nicolamary

My friends have 1 son of their own and 2 years ago adopted a 2 year old boy. They live in a 2 bedroom house. Since then the rules have changed and if you already have a child and want to adopt a child of the same sex you are excluded if you only have a 2 bed property. Their story is a massive success and the two boys have bonded like true brothers should. The change in rules that will exclude families like mine seem ridiculous. Your thoughts please?

I completely agree that these rules are CRAZY! I'm in the middle of my 3rd adoption, and we had to show copies of a house extension before we could be approved, because we only have two bedrooms. It's completely wrong. And since when should young children have a right to their own room? I'm not saying we should go back to my Gran's time, when 8 siblings shared a bed (with a sheet pinned from a washing line to separate the girls' side from the boys' side). But I strongly feel it is wrong to "force" adoptive parents to provide a room for each child. Children don't need a room, they need a family.

@Thingsfallapart

Thanks Oona, I too am the mixed race child of a white single mother and am so grateful that my mum worked so hard to make us kids proud of who we are. My name is Ebony (I feel a name change coming on!) and would love for you too pass on my love and best wishes.

Thanks Ebony! (great name)

@hester

Thanks Jeffrey and Oona. Have to just point out, Oona, that those of us in same sex partnerships are CONSTANTLY quizzed about our relationship to our children! It IS one more burden, as is possible bullying for having two mums, but I am glad that social workers are beginning to accept that this can be outweighed by the positives we can bring to our children.

Completely agree.
By the way, sorry I've been taking too long to answer each question - hadn't managed to work my way down to your original one! You asked about religious matching. I do think this is very difficult. I'm a Jewish aetheist, married to an Italian Catholic. When we were matched with our first son from East London (who was miraculously black and Italian) we were asked if we would agree to bring him up Muslim. It took me a while to persuade my husband (you can see the comedy potential here, with the Jewish atheist and Italian Catholic wondering around the East London Mosque), but eventually it was agreed. Luckily I know a lot of people at my local Mosque, and I asked them for help, and they were all very forthcoming. But then, after the baby arrived, we were told the birth mother wasn't Muslim, and the birth father was convinced the birth mother was doing it as revenge. We're not sure what the upshot was, and may never know. But my personal view is that you find a baby a home, and you do not exclude a baby from that home - ever - on religious grounds.

Oh, and lastly, thanks for nice comment about my Mum. She's going to be very chuffed to be mentioned twice during a mumsnet webchat!

@BleedyGhoulzombiez

Hi Oona, I've always had a very high regard for you, so it's great to have you here!

Did you adopt your two children separately? If so, how did you find the experience of 'blending' the family when you adopted child no 2? This is our main concern wrt adoption, as we already have children but would love to adopt in future years.

Hi there, good luck with your possible adoption. We adopted our children separately (you have to have at least a minimum 2 year gap between each adopted child), 2 years 2 months apart, so our little boy was 3 when our daughter arrived as a 13 month old. I think blending works more easily than you might imagine. The main problem is that normally when a new baby arrives, the older sibling doesn't have to fight the baby for its toys, because the baby basically can't move. But it can be a bit tricky when you suddenly go from an empty cot to a zooming toddler, who doesn't understand about sharing (and nor does the older toddler). But our two children, who have no genetic relationship, are the closest of siblings, and we're really delighted with the way it worked out. I also have a (white) friend staying with me at the moment who had two birth children (aged 7 and 9) when she adopted her 9 month old daughter from Taiwan. She was worried that perhaps the different ethnicity might make the blending harder, but it hasn't. Her daughter is now 8 years old, and very close to her two older brothers despite the age gap. So if you think you can go ahead with adoption, I think it's a fantastic thing to experience.

@jaffababy

Hi there. I'm glad there is more press around adoption at the moment. Can only be a good thing. I'd like to know 1. their opinion on concurrent planning and 2. whether companies could be persuaded to apply the same maternity policies to it as adoption? Thanks

PS In my earlier answer about concurrent planning I forgot to mention that I think it is outrageous that some adoptive parents do not receive the same rights as non-adoptive parents. For instance, as a freelancer, if I have my own child I receive statutory maternity pay. But as an adoptive parent (and freelancer) I'm not allowed any statutory maternity pay. Did I say I'm outraged yet? Let me repeat it, I'm outraged!

I'll campaign on it to change it for others in future...

@iMemoo

I don't have a question but just wanted to say what an amazing woman you are. You're two children are truly blessed to have you as a mum x

You're too kind!

@travailtotravel

Just wondering how we can persuade parents to adopt older children. Understandable that most families want to start with babies but the practical reality is that its more likely to be children over 18 months that need new families.

This is REALLY important. Both our children were 13 months when we adopted them. But now that I've done a lot of campaigning around adoption, I realise they're the lucky ones (even if I'd give my eye teeth to have had them as babies). It's much more important for people to adopt older children, and I myself very much hope to do that at some point in the future (that will be fourth time round, as I still have a bit of work to do persuading my husband)...

Hi everyone - apologies if I missed any questions, I hope you see the messages I wrote after the 'lights out' moment... I'm surprised another hour has slipped by, but it's really inspiring to know there are so many people out there who have a genuine interest in, or commitment to, adoption.

People always say to me "you're so good to adopt"; this is well-meant, but misses the point entirely. Because without adoption - and without my children - my life wouldn't be my life. Adoption is the best thing that ever happened to me, and it should be the best thing that happens to others. But too often it doesn't happen. I'll continue to work with organisations like BAAF and Mumsnet to highlight issues around adoption, and to make the system fairer and faster.

But if any of you out there are thinking of giving a child a home, please don't be put off, please have the strength to persevere:- its not just that a child out there desperately needs you, it's that your life will gain so much from that child!

All the best,

Oona

We've been focusing on National Adoption Week here and have a couple of videos you might be interested in - the Prime Minister, Children's Minister Tim Loughton and Government Advisor for Adoption Martin Narey on a visit to Archway Children's Centre:
and
Martin Narey,the Ministerial Advisor on Adoption, gives us his views.

Also our facebook page on Adoption is live: www.facebook.com/educationgovuk?sk=app_274534169253223

Hello everyone, I'm an adopted person as well as a prospective adopter (am approved and waiting for a child to be placed). I therefore have a lifetime of adoption experience, all of which, I'm happy to say, has been incredibly positive and empowering. I am looking forward to sharing the rest of my life with our adopted child/ren, enabling them to live a full and happy, loving life and reach the best of their potential. I know there has been a lot of negative press around adoption, it's not without controversy, and the process can be long and at times difficult, but.....it's so worth it...completing your family....so I'd urge people to look into adoption to find out more...it's National Adoption Week (NAW)...we applied during NAW a couple of years ago and are hoping our first child will be placed in the next few months... there's a freephone number, backed by the DfE, that you can call to speak to someone about next steps in adopting: 0800 652 9626...Good luck to all those who are thinking of adopting!

Just popping back quickly to let you know that if you'd like to help out with a spot of fundraising for the British Association for Adoption and Fostering, and can get into central London Town, LK Bennett are hosting a special discount evening in their Covent Garden branch this coming Thursday.

You can browse their Christmassy outfits and shoes, buy at a 10% discount, and BAAF will receive a donation of 10% on every sale. LK Bennett are providing the bubbly, and there's a goody bag for everyone who makes a purchase - as well as a rather fab raffle, where you could win an Andrew Barton haircut worth (an eye-watering) £300!

The event is free to attend but you need to book - so do email [email protected] if you'd like to get your name on the guest list.

MNHQ x