Funniest bit of childbirth

rachelhill · 2007-01-12 15:53:53

My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in *proper* labour. Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck. Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.

nearly8 · 26/04/2024 20:51

So I've just decided to give a compilation of the funniest parts of my births.....

Arriving in labour suite at 8cm dilated chucking off my leggings pants and shoes, sitting on the bed and saying to the mw get that gas and air on right now. She mutters something about being right back and leaves. After roughly 30 seconds I press the button, she comes running in I'm like gas and air? Oh yes of course she says and turns right on her heel. Another 30 secs and I reach for the buzzer again DH grabs my hand and says don't you fucking dare she's clearly busy, my reply? Fucking watch me, grab the buzzer press it. She comes back again and I very quietly said look madam, me and you are going to fall out if you don't hook that gas and air up right now (the last part was hissed through gritted teeth as was having a major contractions). She finally hooked it up and 10 minutes later baby was born. I went home 3 hours later.

Again arrived at labour suite with contractions about 4 minutes apart. Same stripping down routine, this mw must've been briefed about the time before cause she had gas and air READY 🤣 after about 30 minutes she says ok I'm just going to examine you see how far we've got to go. She bends down and there's this almighty wooooooosh. My waters very spectacularly erupted all over her, literally face first. She looked like she'd jumped in a swimming pool. Baby came 45 minutes later and despite the change of uniform her hair was sopping bless her. She was so lovely too (I wish that had happened with the one before lol) and after she handed me baby she walked right over to the other side of the room, we're talking a good 15-20 steps, and points to a streak on the wall and says 'this is how far your waters went, I think you've broken a record'

Me being at the point of pushing baby out and the mw telling me to move my leg over and me sitting right up and saying 'no you can go fuck yourself ' then DH trying to move my leg as she had instructed and me saying you can fuck off as well 🤣🤣

Getting to 2minute apart contractions and saying to mw there's something wrong, her telling me no you're doing fantastic blah blah blah I was like no. No no no there's something wrong. She tuts and sighs and says ok I'll examine you. She does and stops dead and says you're right you know I can't feel the head. No shit Sherlock I knew it. Don't push she says. Oh yeah cause it's not like I'm at the final hurdle. Cue a rush of doctors anaesthetists midwives you name it. They scan and she's transverse. Doctor says my contractions are too close together to attempt turning so emcs it is. They bring in the form by which point I'm high off my tits on gas and air and I said just let mr nearly8 sign it I give my permission. They're like no we need you to sign. I'm like oh fuck off I can't sign anything. Again I'm like look let him sign it we've got a joint bank account it will be fine. They're all panicking like we need to get you to theatre. So I go fine but if I find out there's anything in there I don't agree with I'm claiming undue influence. Everyone pissed themselves.

This thread has had everyone at work looking at me strange cause I keep stifling giggles but who cares it's great. Long may it continue

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Funniest bit of childbirth