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Feeling lonely - singleton mums just don't get it...

34 replies

marmitesarnie · 08/07/2009 08:35

Hi all

I have 15wk old twin boys, who are gorgeous. Thought I was doing ok (well, just about keeping my head above water anyway!) until started to attend my local post natal "support" groups for new mums. Has plunged me into depression, after having to listen to all the singleton mums whinging on about lack of sleep, colic etc (whilst having had time to put on full make up!!) with me sitting there frantically trying to juggle two screaming babies thinking "you just havn't got a clue". Feel like my whole experience from the horrific pregnancy, traumatic birth with pre-eclampsia, baby in SCBU and just whole getting to grips with twins thing and the sheer physical relentlessness of it, has been sooooo different from mums who just had one. Just makes me feel very isolated and down. It doesn't help when all people say to you is "I don't know how you do it".

The health visitors are rubbish too - have offered me no extra help and seem to have no concept of just what a mission it is to organise two babies at the same time to get to these things on time and then to try and keep them both happy outside your normal environment. I don't want to stop going to the group, as I feel I need to get out there, but it's just such a disheartening and isolating experience and I find it so stressful. I don't like to go on too much to the singleton mums about my experiences, as everthing they've got to moan about I can beat hands down with bells on, but then that leaves me with no one to whinge to at all really. Even my family doesn't seem to realise how hard it is. Sorry for the rant and moan, but does anyone else out there feel the same way?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
accessorizequeen · 06/08/2009 20:33

There is a point at which you start feeling like a little unit rather than you fighting a war with 2 small people. I get this huge surge of happiness when I hold them both on my knee together or chase them round the living room crawling too.

Walking gig sounds great MrsF, great idea! I have totally given up on cafe on my own, I sometimes go with dp if we've offloaded the other two but would dearly like to do it on my own as I did with my single babies (and other people do!). I went to baby signing last week with em both and it was ok. Dd just crawled over to anyone that would have her and sat on their laps (she's v.friendly!) and ds3 seemed fascinated with it all so they were v.well behaved. But didn't get to chat to a soul as they were all in little pairs and didn't even glance my way. Guess I have to get a thicker skin and go talk but I always have to interrupt to chase a baby! At least before they're crawling this is easier. Am I imagining this look I get from single mothers because I'm starting to get paranoid? Feel like a complete freak. I'm meant to be signing them up to a gym-type class next month and don't know if it's going to work if the staff there aren't helpful and take one baby off me. I know what you all mean about hv's etc, bless em but no clue at all. They just look anxiously at me but don't know anything.

swine flu all over my house, best go and clear up...

kitstwins · 13/08/2009 10:55

I wrote a long reply to this when you first posted but my computer timed out and, in my rage, I flounced off and never re-wrote it.

What I wanted to say, on the back of your last post, is that one day you'll get to drink your coffee too. You've had some really good advice on here, much of it being the same; hang in there and keep doing stuff. The more you try and the more you do, the easier it gets and the better you feel.

Having twins is so isolating and times and parents of singletons just DON'T GET IT. FACT. How can they, even with the best imagination and sympathy in the world? They can project and empathise but until they've got one pair of hands and two babies with floppy heads to support then they're really not getting it. Even the small stuff is complicated with twins. Every new mother, singleton or otherwise, will roll her eyes at the saga involved in getting out of the house, but with two babies it's so much harder. And not even doubly harder either. To go anywhere you've got to take double the kit, the giant pram or, if you're driving, two car seats. Then you've got to carry two carseats, a double nappy bag and any other essential kit to wherever it is your going. And forget if it's raining and you need an umbrella because if you're carrying two carseats that isn't going to happen. You accept that you're going to get wet or you just don't go out. It's isolating, and it's maddening, especially when you see mothers of singletons breezing about with their carseats on one arm, nifty changing bag on the other, latte in hand. It's hard not to feel envious of the ease at which they can get out and about and also how they can take their relative freedom for granted.

The ONLY thing you can do is plug away and grit your teeth. Eventually you will have the last laugh as when your twins are a year old they will start to play with one another and entertain one another. I'm now in the delicious state that my twins go off and play upstairs together whilst my friends with singleton babies have toddlers/small children whining at them for attention. It's taken a long time to come but suddenly my life is relatively easier.

I also think that congratulating yourself for the amazing job you're doing is really important. I found that on my hardest days when it was pouring rain and my babies were grizzling that if I thought about how impressive I was and how well I was managing then it cheered me up. I also used to have a slightly mad little scenario in my head that I was some sort of 'ambassador' for twin mothers. It sounds totally barking but I used to tell myself that I should go out and do the best I could and TRY to do things that weren't easy (take them to a coffee shop and feed them, take them on the bus, take them to playcentres with four million stairs....) just in case any other twin mothers were out and having a bad day. I know seeing people with twins who were capable and dressed and smiling and seemed to be having a nice time always gave me huge hope (YES! One day you will get dressed and out of the door in under three hours!!!) so I used to pretend that I was showing to others that twins could be okay. That it was really important that I get out there and show that twin mothers shouldn't hide at home; that we had a right to push our massive prams into coffee shops and take up too much space; that it was important that people get used to us being out and about and 'there' and support us. As I said, a bit mad, but that mindset really did help me.

Now when I look back (my daughters are nearly three) I can just see how things steadily improved over time. The first three months I found AWFUL but from then onwards the improvements were steady. The challenges always kept coming but as my twins got older and stronger and developed more, I found I was more able to cope with the challenges; I found my rythmn and stride. Of course some days were awful, but every parent gets those (full moon?) and I just wrote those off. Looking back I'm glad I did a lot of stuff and got out - a lot of it I had to force myself to do through gritted teeth and many was the time I walked home crying from sheer tiredness at the palava involved, but I'm glad I did it. The only thing I wish I'd done was rope in people a bit more; ask strangers for help holding babies in coffee shops. Ask other mothers to hold one baby on their laps for a minute and see how long they lasted (a quick taste of twins for someone!!!). I used to do it occasionally when I was really desperate and people were always really happy to help - the cute factor of twins perhaps - so I wish I'd asked more.

It gets better. One day you'll be with your twins and they'll be running around and you'll see a mother with small twins and you'll know exactly what she's going through. And you'll also know that you can tell her, in truth, that it will get easier and that the benefits will totally outweigh the logistical nightmares of the early days.

Essentially, that's what makes twins so difficult - the logistics of the early days. The problem of too many babies and not enough hands to care for them. Everything else about twins is just a blessing, so once you're past the logistically complicated part you've got the last laugh. Your twins are magic, they'll always have one another and a special, unbreakable bond. And you've made that and given that to them. And that makes you magic too.

Kitstwins
P.S. My thought for your next buggy walk coffee to ask someone to help you. Maybe say out loud "I'd really love to stay for a coffee but I'm struggling a bit with the two babies, would anyone mind giving me a hand juggling them so I can have a quick coffee with you both". People will help and will be glad to help, just as you would if someone with twins was there and you had a singleton.

kitstwins · 13/08/2009 10:59

Sorry - didn't preview the message so there are heaps of typos and it's pretty garbled.

londonlottie · 13/08/2009 13:05

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accessorizequeen · 13/08/2009 13:17

well said kits
I should make more effort to get out, I'm a wuss right now but must try to be a twin ambassador instead

BEMIE · 13/08/2009 15:32

kitstwins - what a fantastic post. I agree with so much of what you have written. I too feel like an ambassador for twin mums on occassions.

Well said.

kitstwins · 14/08/2009 11:03

Yay for the 'twin ambassador' role. I really think that was what stopped me going mad in the early days. I used to literally GRIT my teeth and force myself to go out 'just in case someone else with twins was having a really sh!tty day and struggling'. It felt really important to me to show that it COULD be done. And also, I wanted people to see that in spite of two babies and the giant pram and all the paraphanalia and crap I was lugging about with me, I was still doing it. A sort of: Suck on that, feeble singleton mothers!!!

Londonlottie I can honestly guarantee you two things: Firstly, at some point in the first couple of weeks that you're home with your twins you'll look at your husband/partner and think "What have we done!?". The tiredness, relentless groundhog day of it all will literally send you reeling. This is totally normal and every parent of twins (and undoubtedly every parent of singletons) has felt it.

Secondly, and more importantly, you'll always be glad you had twins. It's such a special club and you're giving your babies something magic; one another for life. I can only imagine the innate confidence that comes from the unconscious knowledge that right from the first flicker of life you haven't been alone and I would have loved a twin just for this alone. Twins are special and the world is fascinated by them because we all understand and envy the specialness of that bond.

My twins are IVF and our clinic nagged us quite strongly to only put one embryo back as they were very strong and good quality and there was, in their words, a "high risk of twins". We wanted the best chance of a baby, twins or otherwise, and to this end argued our cause with the embryologist through her serving hatch and our consultant, me with my legs in stirrups. In the end, they agreed to put two back in and the rest is history but I can honestly say that at no point, even in their most hideous nocturnal screamathons, have I ever regretted it. And if you gave me a magic rewind button and I was back in that lab room knowing what I know now I'd still choose twins. I'd still tell them to put two embryos back. Not just for them either and the bond that they have, but also for my husband and I as it has been magic and it is magic. And although the early days can be tough, you DO survive them and you do reap the extra benefits that twins give. After the rough early months it IS better having twins than a singleton and you have a lifetime of this. It really is the best joy.

It always makes me think of that film of Leonardo da Vinci and his painting of the Sistine Chapel: 'The Agony and the Ecstacy'. With twins you really do have both extreme swings of the pendulum; the slog of the early days and the challenge of the logistics and tireness, but you also get the magic of twins and an extra specialness as a family.

I think we're all very lucky. Bl**dy knackered and with rubbish skin on our tummies, but very, very lucky.

londonlottie · 14/08/2009 16:51

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1stMrsF · 26/08/2009 14:45

Something new to add to the chaos has started: DT2 is teething! At 16 weeks! Trust my daughters to run before they can walk... So, a new challenge to getting out of the door, a baby who screams until purple in the face if you put her in her car seat or the pram. Yesterday walked round Wakehurst Place with her in my arms (wishing I'd brought the sling). Just as I thought it was getting easier too.

Wanted to post, not to moan about teeth, but to say why it's got easier. I have implemented a nap routine, using the 'Sleep Sense' book and they are now getting 4 naps a day, usually 45 mins each, often with a longer 1.5 hour one at some point. I try to coincide any trips in the car or pram with a nap time, and if we are at home put them in the cot. Then, when we are out somewhere, as long as they are not hungry, neither are they tired and they are much happier and easier to cope with together. This is helped by the fact that the breastfeeding is now so much easier and quicker (thanks everyone for getting me through to this point on that) and so now my day revolves around the next sleep instead of the next feed.

You do have to be a bit flexible as the naps don't happen at the same time every day but if you can be - then you can do stuff. I'm taking the attitude that if the next nap is at the same time as I need to leave the house, great, and if it isn't, we'll do something else a bit later.

Also, discovered Scream screenings at the local cinema. Worth a trip (with an extra pair of hands the first time) to see if you could manage it if they do one near you.

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