I should have had twins. I feel cheated and I feel cheated for Bo.

[bubble99]

And I see so many twins around. Today, when Elijah and I went to school to pick up my older two DS's, I met a mum who had lost one of her identical twin daughters to TTTS (transfusion thing). I had felt that I had got it reasonably together after Bo died but she knocked me for six without meaning to. I envy you all so much.

My twins are so young that they are incredibly hard work, but when I think of those like Bo who didn't get to stay, I'm so grateful and lucky to have both my healthy boys.
I am so sorry for your loss, and I can't imagine how you are coping with this. I really admire your strength in trying to make something positive come out of this by seeking change in maternity services.

How you today Bubble?

Bubble,
nothing I can say. I so wish I could
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Gosh bubble I really can't say anything that would take your pain away other than to empathise with you. Then again I cannot know your hurt at losing Bo.

Believe me there is not a day go by that I don't say private thanks for dst (3) and for their good health.

The reason is mainly that I had a twin brother who didn't make it (stillborn) and without wanting to make you dwell on it, it will be interesting to see if Elijah acts as though he knows he is missing someone. Apparently I did, long before my parents told me, even now there is almost a strange feeling I get. As someone seeing it from Elijah's future prospective I know he will be fortunate that he has parents who will discuss Bo with him and not, like mine, pretend it musn't be mentioned ever.

I hope telling you this hasn't caused offence or more hurt! {{{Hugs to you and yours}}

I know someone who had twin girls, one stillborn; she is the only mother I actually know of this happening to in RL.

The surviving twin is 24 now but I remember my friend saying when she was tiny that she definitely seemed then to know something was missing. Haven't seen them for ages so don't know if that's still true but it would be stranger if it wasn't.

I'm sure Elijah will always miss Bo without it even being conscious, as you and DH will - and his other brothers, but mostly Elijah.

I don't know what to say really Bubble; others say it so much better. Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you, and have been seen the day I heard about you losing Bo. Take care.

I try so hard not to keep going over what's happened. I'm quietly making plans to carry this forward officially, but re-living it on a day to day or week to week basis just chews me up.

I've just come off of the phone to a nurse I've worked with recently in a private gynae clinic. I sent her an email just after Bo died explaining what had happened and she showed it to our consultant anaesthetist and obs/gynaecologist. They were apparently both horrified and said that the anaesthetist involved in our care should be brought to account for his failure to recognise the implications involved in giving me a general anaesthetic. Yes, spinals can fail, but ultimately an anaesthetist should be able to intubate anyone. They both practice at The Portland and have genuinely offered to anaesthetise and deliver my baby next time, if I'm lucky enough to get pregnant again.

How am I? OK most of the time but incredibly wobbly the rest.

Wotcha bub,

I didn't want to post this when I found out but I spoke to a cousin of mine who is qualifying as a doctor this year and even at her level she thought the whole intubation scenario / timing was v. wrong. You posted before that you didn't feel 'going after the anaesthetist' was an appropriate direction, and I agree some kind of 'witch hunt' doesn't sound very dignified / appropriate / your cup of tea, but possibly getting their behaviour independently assessed / verified competent would put your mind at ease regarding that particular point...

You'll have moments of clarity, focus, distraction by the mundane, and you'll also have moments you'll turn into a quiverring mess. It will be hard, and I hope your RL and your MN friends and your family can support you as best we / they can.

XX

Bubble, I so wish I had something useful or comforting to say. You're in my thoughts - hope that will do. xxx

snafu. That will most definately do.

Hub. If you weren't a hub already and if I didn't already have my own darling hub, I would track you down and marry you.

X

I have now frightened hub.

My grandmother was expecting twins but lost one very late on in the pregnancy (this was in the late 1930's). The other twin survived but was unknown about for some time - I know this sounds bizarre but it was during the war, no scans, etc. The surviving twin was my mother: she weighed 10lbs at birth, so a rather odd "hidden" baby. My grandmother lost 6 babies in all and only had one live birth. Mum said that she has never felt as though she were a twin, never had that kind of "missing feeling" that others talk about. We've never really discussed it in detail, but the general gist of the conversation we did have was that she wondered occasionally whether she should feel something was different or missing, but didn't: although I know she has felt her only child status quite strongly from time to time, but that is more to do with too much parental attention in the early years and too much parental responsibility in the latter years.

I'm just telling you this because it is another reaction of a bereaved twin - different to what some people experience, but positive (to the extent it can be) in its own way, in that Mum has never herself felt that it "defined" her life.

Hope you don't mind me giving you this POV - it is meant with the best possible motives.

• you haven't frightened me - I was flossing !!!

You will be admitted pride of place in the harem . LOL. I shouldn't really keep linking to it but it was a 'puffy chest out' 'head high' 'back straight' 'tiger roar' moment.

How's Mr. Bub anyway... he'll of course be finding things insanely difficult too, perhaps expressed in a very different way....

Thanks Anchovy. This whole thing is on my mind.

When Bo died the MW's put him in the cot with Elijah and took a photo. They said that some parents who lose a twin find it comfoting to have at least one photo of them together. I'm not sure how I feel about that, and I haven't felt able to look at that photo yet.

Nice of them to do it, though, bubble. Gives you the option later.

When you see a story like Anchovy's mum's it makes you realise how far we've come in talking about and acknowledging death.

hussy2dee. Harem schmarem. You find a nice girl and you settle down That's what you do.

Don't you be hangin' out with them shiksa's. It'll end in tears.

Too true Janh. Mr Bubble's auntie had a stillbirth at the beginning of the 60's. She was put back onto the maternity ward and handed someone else's baby to 'look after' while the mother went for a bloodtest.

PMSL, bub, PMSL.

DW is turning out to be a babbala JM. She even makes veggie kneidlach.

Wot!! No schmaltz? If your arteries are still functioning after a meal it means she don't love ya.

If you knew what she has done to my waist size since we met. (Well, I admit she hasn't forced it down me, but there's got to be a link !)....

And have you any idea what you've done to her waist line??

You're on good form tonight, bub (save any earlier feelings of total misery).

PS - Am I gonna get to change hunkermunker's son's nappy in your nursery one day then ?

You certainly are. HM sees me as an elegant and together bub, so I've booked me an appointment with the purveyors of elegance and togetherness ahead of next month's open day. Don't want to disappoint.

Will fry up some wurst in your honour.

Must go feed His Royal Footleness now. Night hub. Thanks, as ever, for being around to cheer me up. Dee is a lucky girl.

BubXX