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I am really struggling. Need some advide please.

27 replies

plj · 27/01/2009 08:23

I am exhausted. I have 9 month old DT's who don't sleep through the night and I think I am really sleep deprived. It's making me so bad tempered and miserable and puting a terrible strain on my relationship with my DP. Friends with babies told me I would get used to the disturbed nights, but I'm not. I find it almost impossible to sleep during the day. I am beginning to think I am doing something wrong with the twins that they are not sleeping through the night. Guess I am looking for some advice or even just some reassurance. Is it normal to feel this tired and low?

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TeaSleepFood · 27/01/2009 08:54

It is completely normal to feel this tired. My DTs (13/12) went through a really lovely good patch of sleep then broken nights again. As far as I can see, it seems cyclical! SOmetimes it's because DD is hungry (wolfs down a bottle at 3 am) which makes me think growth spurt. This last time I had 3 days and nights of grumpiness and it turned out to be chickenpox! What time do they wake in the morning? Is there someone who can come and take them for a walk after lunch so you can some good time to yourself (without doing chores)?
If it's not TMI, have your periods started again- I only say that as once mine did, my PMT ramped up to unheard of levels. When this coincides with decreased sleep, I felt like hell (as DH will testify to!).
After the recent poxy outbreak I have felt the need to be me again so I've organised a night out with girlfriends where I will stay over and DH is on twinwatch. I haven't been out without either him or DTs for about 2 years. About bluddy time!
I hope things ease up a bit soon.

plj · 27/01/2009 09:04

They go to bed about 9 every night, and wake at 7. I am normally in my bed between 10 and 11 having finished the chores and given myself an hour to wind down. It seems that they sleep fine until about 2am, then after that I am up and down alomost every half hour seeing to one or the other until they both get up. They both were sleeping almost through the night for a few weeks and not needing a bottle. I feel like I have gone backwards.Don't know wether to give in at 2am and lift them for a bottle?

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bodgejob · 27/01/2009 10:12

How much solid food are they eating ?. I upped the solids with my DT's at that age ( they are now 20 mnths) that really helped them sleep better. Also do they have dummys? I went cold turkey with them as was in and out all night putting them back in.

plj · 27/01/2009 13:00

I am trying to up their intake of solids at the moment, so maybe that will help. They do both still take dummies, and there are times when that is why I am up and down during the night. Not sure if I could go cold turkey!

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plj · 27/01/2009 13:03

A friend of mine suggested HIIP Organic Night Feed? Has anyone heard of it or used it? I think it is a formula with added rice and oats. I think the idea is to give it to them as their last bottle before going to bed.

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bodgejob · 27/01/2009 14:46

I did cold turkey over a weekend with the dummies, twin 1 gave it up completely twin 2 not so dependant. It worked for me. They both slept much better after . I was getting up about 5 or 6 times a night before and felt like a zombie.

I haven't heard of that night feed . Anything is worth a try. personally I would give 3 good solid meals a day and cut down on milk a little.

TeaSleepFood · 27/01/2009 19:25

I'm afraid I gave in to 3 am feed. If she was hungry she got fed. TBH I was BF'ing and this only took 10 mins, so I never really woke up!

accordiongirl · 01/02/2009 22:02

Holle porridge - this is what they do in Sweden: A spoonful or so in the bedtime bottle (follow instruciton on back of packet.
Wishing you very good luck, it sounds very "normal"!

twinmam · 03/02/2009 17:09

My DTs (now nearly 1) went through a patch of sleepless nights at 9 months and now thankfully it's over. We found that an earlier bedtime actually helped - weirdly. They are now bathed, fed and in bed by half 6 every night and sleep through until 7 most nights. A routine also seems to help - nap by 9am and another about 1pm. Good luck - these sleepless phases are horrible but don't last forever. You're not doing anything wrong and are I am sure doing a brilliant job. Hang in there!

plj · 05/02/2009 14:16

Thanks twinmam,

I think sometimes I just need some reassurance, as have no family and friends close to sound things out with. DP works away a lot.

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plj · 05/02/2009 14:16

Thanks twinmam,

I think sometimes I just need some reassurance, as have no family and friends close to sound things out with. DP works away a lot.

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twinmam · 05/02/2009 16:33

Well then you're doing a pretty damn amazing job, managing to cope on your own a lot of the time. I think I barely manage sometimes and that's with a lot of support from family (we moved 250 miles to live nearer to my parents)! I really did find my worst time as a twin mummy was when my DDs were about 7-10 months old. I found the earliest bit much easier than I'd expected (altho still VERY hard) and then things seemed to get REALLY REALLY tough. I came on MN to spill out my misery and found lots of other people had found the same thing and they all said things get easier once the babies turn one. My girls are one next week and I truly am finding life SO much easier and I feel happy the majority of the time now rather than snatching joyous moments in the middle of the chaos and desperation. Everyone needs reassurance and I hope knowing that things will get easier helps. Take care.

plj · 05/02/2009 17:25

Thank you. I was beginning to wonder why things feel harder now compared to a few months ago. It was still hard in the early months, but in a different way. Am glad to hear their is light at the end of the tunnel!

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neverknowinglyunderdressed · 05/02/2009 19:28

Ok dont flame me but......I dont think babies of 9 months need a night feed. I think they should be sleeping through from 9-7 perfectly well. I know what its like to be sleep deprived and it is something i worked very hard to avoid with my DTS. I followed the 'Baby wisperer' book closely. Things like no lights on at night, no eye contact, not changing them (unless poo obviously) stuff like this helps to establish that at night time its all business....mum is not up for fun and really there is no point waking up! If you are already doing that then move on to the 10 min rule. So dont go in at all unless have been crying for 10 mins, (ok maybe 5, then work up) i think this lets them resort to soothing themselves, and learning to fall back to sleep without help (something all babies need to learn).

Are they waking each other up? If so could they be in sep rooms?

Looking after twin babies is very demanding. Im sure you are doing a fantastic job. For me there was no way i was going to cope if i was up with them all night, every night.

I know this type of approach isnt for everyone but it worked really well for us. I have more stuff from 'the hard as nails school of twin parenting' ....you only need to ask!!!!!

And it does get better i promise...mine turn 5 this month!

neverknowinglyunderdressed · 05/02/2009 19:29

Also.......console yourself with the thought that friends with just the one baby, havent got a blardy clue what you are going through!

plj · 05/02/2009 20:40

Thanks nku (is that ok to abbreviate?)

Could you tell me a bit more about the Baby Whisperer book? I have not heard of it. I really want to break what I think is habit with my DT's of waking and not being able to resettle themselves. I really want to sleep during the night.
They have no lights in room, and I don't put a light on when I get up to nthem. I am also not lifting them from their cot, just trying to settle them lying down. I would like to split them up soon, as they do wake each other up, but don't have the room at the moment. I am just soooo tired all the time, and find it almost impossible to nap during the day. Any advice would be so greatly welcomed.I don't mind being a bit tough with them now for a future night's sleep.

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duckyfuzz · 05/02/2009 20:43

I may get shot down for this but...I gave my twins water in the night for 2-3 nights and they never woke again for a feed - for a cuddle, a wee, nightmares etc yes, but not food - worth a try, esp at 9 months?

and yes, it is normal to feel that tired

plj · 05/02/2009 20:48

I have been giving them water for the last few nights and have stopped taking milk upstairs at all. The HV suggested that too. They are still waking as often though. Should I persevere for a few more nights?

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twinmam · 06/02/2009 09:08

Yes!!! Keep at it - give things a go for sure. Def agree with what NKU and DF said. We wouldn't flame you NKU!! Surely everyone here can appreciate how incredibly desperate it can be to be sleep deprived and have TWO (or more - eek) babies to look after and that the 'hard as nails school of twin parenting' has a lot to recommend it - I too am a graduate. I found Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child (or something like that) by Dr Weissbluth helpful too (tho imagine he is almost as unpopular on MN as certain other child rearing 'experts') and have heard Baby Whisperer really good. You will find your own way of doing things that is right for you and your babies but I found even just doing something, having some kind of plan of attack, rather than feeling helpless/ inadequate was good for my self-esteem which I think took a big knocking over the last year. I also really do feel like my girls are happier with a full night's sleep and 2 naps a day (although must admit we are still working on the naps with varying degrees of success)! The main things I found worked were: earlier bedtime, good bedtime routine - bath, feed, story. Into bed, music box on, lights out etc and an ealier morning nap (by 9am) then an afternoon nap about 1-ish. NO feeds in night. I think once they realised that actually there would be no playtime or food in the night then it really wasn't worth bothering waking up and they tend not to unless they're ill. Best of luck plj and please don't feel that you are doing anything wrong - I remember looking at all the singleton mums who were finding life getting to some kind of normality and wondering why I was finding it harder and harder. It WILL get better (make that your mantra!) xx

neverknowinglyunderdressed · 06/02/2009 10:55

I obviously havent read the baby wisperer for a while...! And it isnt really for twins as such, and i found her twin routine example a bit rubbish, so i made up my own. But in fact that is what she is getting at. Use the babies own natural routine to kind of establish one that works for you. For instance their is no point waking them up at 7am to feed or whatever if they are happily sleeping then. Essentially what the baby wisperer advocates is that the baby's cry is just communication. Different cries for different things, so dont rush to them every time they peep, work out what they want first. But i digress, alot of it is more relevant for establishing a routine with newborns. The situation you have is you've inadvertantly established a routine of them waking in the night, crying, you come in something happens, ie you sooth or offer a bottle and they fall back to sleep, only to be repeated again in an hour and a half. Exhausting!

But you cant really blame them for this, so you have to re-educate them gradually. I wouldnt offer any bottles of anything during the night. Make sure they have ahd plenty to drink before bed. Do the bedtime routine as described by twinmam ( i know its boring to be doing the same thing every day at the same time and its restrictive of youre life but it makes them easier to manage. I persevered with putting mine down for naps for years and they only gave them up when they started school! so it works) the same order every night, getting calmer and quieter as you approach the bed time. Kids love to know what is coming next and it signals to them what is expected. I had a mobile over each cot and toys and books in the cot which i put in after they went to sleep each night, which they would play with in the night or in the morning when they woke which can give you another 30 mins in morning. They cry in night?....let them cry for a full 5 mins. Then go in, you are absolutely doing the right thing not picking them up. Try to soothe ideally without touching and leave the room. And repeat. The first few nights it may be worse for you, but within a few nights hopefully the will be able to put themselves back to sleep. Then you can work up to 10 mins. I dont say this lightly, but if you are really desperate for a nights sleep, you could try medised or somthing similar just to get them to sleep through, then you can regain your strength.

I know this approach works as i had them sleeping through (11-7) at 14 weeks. They were fine unless they were ill. Then we got complacent. One night the best sleeper (12 months) was ill, so we took him downstairs with us, made a fuss of him, medicine, drinks etc. Then put him back to bed. That one night ruined 12 months of training and for the next week he woke every night, crying, i guess wanting the same treatment. So we had to let him cry, not go in and he settled himself.

Getting them sleeping thru is a great step as then you'll enjoy them more as you will be less tired. Then if can get them to nap quite a bit you will have more time to yourself during the day. Which is why i persevered with the lunch time nap til mine were 4...i needed the down time .

Always remember a childs demand for attention is like the black hole of calcutta....never ending and never enough!!! You are in charge! Go get em girl!

swanriver · 06/02/2009 16:15

Have you tried thread for puree lovers with Neenztwins who has twins the same age? in weaning section? lots of posts about solid feeding etc.

I remember a twin at that age always waking for one feed, and the other less often. Would once be too often? I thought it just about bearable as long as not both twins.
To be honest the one that woke me everynight ended up in bed with us fulltime (although we settled him in his cot at bedtime easily)
It took a lot of work to synchronize naps, give a long nap etc but in end I got them to always sleep between 1.30-3.30afternoon in cots and I used to sleep too.
Didn't use dummies at all, but lots of comfort objects, blankies etc.

They were in same room, but I separated them by about 1 year and half. One is still a brilliant sleeper, the other less so but goes back to sleep straight away if he wakes.

plj · 07/02/2009 10:19

Thank you all so much for the advice and words of wisdom. I feel a bit more reassured that I am on the right tracks. The last 3 nights have been a bit easier, as I made a few slight changes to the night time routine. I have been giving them something to eat about an hour before bed, followed by a bottle, I have been trying to do calmer/quieter things with them after that so they are not overstimulated before bed (a bath and a story really helped!) The last 2 nights I have put them into their swings/bouncy chairs, and sat reading to them until they look sleepy. They settled in their cots a lot quicker instead of wanting to roll about and carry on. I haven't given them any milk during the night at all, and if they have woken (only once last night) I put dummies back in offered a sip of water. Hopefully that will stop soon too, but to only get up twice during the night was a near miracle for me!
Once again-thank you all so much. I am going to have a look at some of the books mentioned, and keep telling myself, I am doing ok, and I am not alone!

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plj · 07/02/2009 10:21

swanriver-will take a look at that thread you mentioned-Thanks.

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neverknowinglyunderdressed · 07/02/2009 17:55

Glad things are improving...youre doing really well at what is a very tough job.

twinmam · 07/02/2009 20:49

Well done PLJ xx