Oh my god it's twins

[marmiteontoastx]

Oh my god where to start:

I was sent to hospital yesterday because I thought I was miscarrying at 5 weeks. Turns out it was a subchrionic hemotoma - but my early trans vaginal scan today revealed we are having TWINS.

My husband and I were immediately shell shocked and terrified. He has no income right now because he's between jobs and my job pays minimum wage, my mother passed away and my father is absent. Husband's mum lives too far. Our immediate thought was "no."

The nurses were so joyful at the prospect of it but both of us felt sick when we heard. We literally can't mentally or financially cope and we immediately discussed abortion. I know that makes us sound like the worst people ever. But I'm grieving the child I thought I was having and then lost, and grieving the thought of an unplanned child. They gave us the pictures of the scans with both clear sacs there as clear as day and I'm struggling to look at them, they don't feel like my babies because I don't want babies I wanted one BABY. Husband feels exactly the same.

I made an appointment with a charity to discuss my abortion options and speak with a therapist first to make sure I have all the information I can get but I know I just can't do it: I can't go ahead with two. The quality of life for all of us would be absolutely awful and I couldn't live knowing I brought that upon us all.

I know sometimes both sacs may not be viable but what are the chances of this? We are 5 weeks and 2 days so far. None of the nurses mentioned anything about potentially losing one of them but I know vanishing twin is a thing? What do we do? Wait to see if they're still there at the 7 week scan we have in 2 weeks or just go for termination?

Neither of us have twins in either of our families either so this is not something we would ever in our wildest dreams have thought could happen. I feel desperately depressed and like I can't breathe. This past couple of days has been unbearable.

Vanishing twin is fairly common I believe, have a few friends it's happened to.

It usually happens before the 12 weeks scan so plenty of people never knew there ever were twins.

I had a vanishing twin. They said second baby stopped developing around 8 weeks. No idea how common it is though.

I think you just need to take a step back and breathe and think. You’ve planned for a baby and your husbands job situation will be the same with one or two in there. He has time to find work. You may be entitled to universal credit when the baby(s) come.
One set of twins means only one mat leave, one time to buy stuff, one loads of clothing etc, one buggy. You won’t need to think about if you can afford to ‘do it all again’ one day and realise that maybe you can’t.

Is it just money making you worried? There is a Twins helpline you could call.

First breath it's a big shock! I found out I was having twins at 12 weeks no history at all and no clue at all before hand. As pp has said, it isn't twice as expensive as I and you dont need 2 of everythingalthough big things like car seats are a pain. We used a local toy library for equipment and got lots second hand from twins groups etc. I'm not going to say the early days were a breeze because it was full on but you get out the others side quicker than having kids of different ages. Mine start secondary school.next year and.lots of my friends with 2 or 3 are still in the trenches of toddler hood with the youngest amd I've done OK at work with just 1 mat leave and a few yeara part-time
You obviously need to do what's best for you but the.multiple birth.community are lovely and get it!

Yes you need to take a step back and breathe for a second.
I was feeling similar to you when I found out it was twins back in June. I went for a scan at 7 weeks and saw the twins. We planned for one baby, and I was feeling sad that I got given two. Thinking how will we manage and how will we cope? Will we manage to get through this?
I am now 24 weeks and totally in love. Me and my partner are so excited and we now know this is perfect for us and god choose us to be twin parents! We have been blessed with 1 boy & 1 girl. Meaning we won’t have to go through all this again as we are more than happy with two children. I’m also not the strongest person going through pregnancy so I’m also happy that I only have to do this once. This is a big blessing.
We also don’t have the best income and privately rent in London, so you can imagine how expensive that is, I will be coming out of work and everything will be on my partner to pay. We have purchased 80% of the things we need for the babies second hand.

Please just breathe and sleep on it. You need to think this through.

Remember that financial situations change in time. Your living situation can change in time too. Nothing is forever.

It's a shock so acting now wouldn't be in your best interests.

I second the PP who has said it might be worth taking a breath and waiting for a bit to let the idea of twins percolate. I nearly fell off the bed when I was told it was twins and immediately started panicking about cars and nursery and how we'd survive.

The newborn days were incredibly hard but it has got better and better. Of course only you can make the decision as to what is right for you and your family but taking some time to let the idea settle will mean you are in the strongest position to make that decision.

the Twins Trust is a great source of support and information and they have a helpline. Local twins groups will also be really helpful and a lot have Facebook groups where they sell on all their twin equipment second hand.

Good luck with everything whatever decision you make.

It would be absolutely fine if you decided to have an abortion, make the decision that is best for you x

I'm very pro-choice. If it's a termination you want then you should have one.

Like others have said though you might want to have a few days to think about it.

Your DH has time to get a job. You'll have time to do a course and look at getting a better job in the future.

UC will pay a large proportion of the childcare costs if you're entitled.

You'll have lots of time to buy things secondhand.

Time to just breathe and sit with the news for a while and let it sink in

It’s very early. Take some time to think about it. Choosing an abortion does not make you ‘the worst people ever’. Far from it.

Give yourselves time to make a practical and informed choice.

@marmiteontoastx another twin mum here 💐
It must be a massive shock for you, but please take time for this to sink in before you make any big decisions. Having twins is incredible, yes it’s costly but no more than two a few years apart. I am part of the most amazing multiples Facebook page that shares our stuff for the cost of postage. It’s been a lifesaver and friend maker for me. Private message me, I’ll give you my bugaboo donkey pushchair for free if you need it xx

There is support out there. Look up Homestart UK and get a referral to your local team. they will arrange a volunteer to visit and support you up to the age of 5. Talk to the midwives about local support charities.
a relative of mine discovered she was pregnant with twins just as her husband was made redundant. They used the redundancy money to train for a better paid job which he achieved by the time the babies arrived.

Thank you to all who replied, I honestly really really appreciate it. My husband and I went to bed immediately after I posted this and I've woken up this morning feeling exactly the same. The first thing I thought when I opened my eyes was "I can't have twins".

I'm so, so heartbroken that I'm in this situation. I always thought we would struggle to conceive because I'm 34 and we both are usually fairly unlucky people but we so wanted a baby. So now I feel awful that I don't want the two babies. I don't know whether it would be a good idea to phone my GP and have a chat with them, would they be able to advise anything does anyone know?

I forgot to mention we can't get any benefits other than child benefits because I have a sum of money from some inheritance. But I can't raise two children for at the very least 18 years on a finite amount of money that will never be replaced.

It's not even about the money really anyway - I don't feel like my body will cope much less my head carrying two children. I don't want to give birth to two because I don't think I physically can do it. I'm a huge worrier anyway and one baby would have stressed me out but two babies make things shoot off the charts. My husband is scared of seeing me struggling if we had the two babies in there because he would feel helpless as he can only help externally.

I feel like my entire world has turned upside down and I don't even like looking at my changing body now because I know there are twins in there. What a rough week we're having.

Please to those who are twin mums I don't mean any offence at all as my words only come from my own genuine fears around my own situation. Those who go for it are such fantastic people. But I really truly feel we are not those people.

You poor thing what a shock.

You have plenty of time to let it sink in a bit more and to talk to the people you have to advise you on options. It's good your partner is supporting you and sounds to be on the same page as you and very caring.

Nobody is a bad person for choosing to terminate a pregnancy. Not wanting to go ahead for any reason at all is a good enough reason to make that choice for your own body and your own life. We are lucky to have the choice and I'm glad you have that option.

You're only 5 weeks, you have time to take a breath and make plans. Big support will surround you here whatever you choose.

You have an inheritance.
Your partner can find work.
You want a child
Don't do anything rashly

That money doesn’t need to last for 18 years. When they get a bit older and you can work again you’ll have more money coming in.
Two babies won’t be much worse than one money wise after some time. Same giving birth - if you had a c section, if one or two comes out it’s kinda the same!

The most life changing thing is having a baby to start with. That’s what changes things. As someone else said contacting home start is a good idea. In our area all mums with multiples are referred to them.

If finances are the main thing have you checked what support you'd get? You should get a lot of universal credit.
But also, it's so early on you absolutely have the choice to do what's right for you.

Hugs @marmiteontoastx whatever you need to do, you can do without guilt. 💐

However, to balance that, I do think your head is causing you to feel overwhelmed, probably quite unnecessarily. It makes sense - you had built up a picture of how life was going to go and now you're unexpectedly thrown into a completely different scenario. That will be very scary. Give yourself some time to adjust to the idea before you make any decisions.

Two babies at once really isn't so much harder than one, and that way you only have to do the baby thing once! Yes, it might be a little more tiring and a little more full-on for the first two years but after that it will be a doddle. Much easier than toddler + baby in a lot of ways.

The financial concerns are understandable but again, you are probably catastrophising a little bit.

(re: doddle, I meant comparatively to the first couple of years. Of course it will still have its challenges, but tbh so does single babyhood!)

This is a huge amount to take in. I'm sending you lots of love and no judgement- you need to make the best choices for you and your family but this has to be a well informed choice.

Please consider checking out twinstrust.org. They will answer the phone and speak to you and talk you. They're good at helping people in distress.

This will be ok.

OP I agree with everyone here, don’t do anything at all for a few days. You really need some thinking time. You cannot make any sort of decision while panicking like this.

Do you want two children eventually? As in from two separate pregnancies?

If not and you definitely only wanted one I can see why you're worried. I suppose you have to weigh up the risk of not conceiving again - would no children be preferable to two children? Obviously this is unlikely, but that's what would be in my thoughts in your shoes.

If you do want two eventually, then twins is harder in some ways and easier in others. You need far less time off work and your career will take less of a hit. But on the other hand if you need to use childcare then it's more expensive over a shorter period but exactly the same money in total. But you have inheritance so it will make no difference the timescale you spend the money.

I have two toddlers at the moment and they are definitely harder work than twins at this point because of the age gap. But it was easier than twins when they were only in the newborn stage one at a time! So swings and roundabouts.

Personally I hated pregnancy so I would have been happy to have twins the first time as I would only have had to go through it once. But perhaps you love pregnancy and were hoping to do it twice which is fair enough, we're all different.

Take a couple of weeks to think it through and seek help from a twins charity to talk it over.

I'm very pro choice and when somebody posts on here about abortion due to an unexpected pregnancy, I am supportive.

However your situation is different. Just take a step back and breathe.

As regards finances, in the early years, the difference between one or two babies is negligible.

Admittedly, yes, nursery fees will be high but it's a while before you are there and probably it would make sense for you to be a stay at home mum in the early years due to the cost of childcare.

It's very early days and you have plenty of time to make a decision.

Try to breathe and relax.

Your husband has 9 months to get out of being "inbetween" jobs and get a permanent one?

Having twins whilst a shock is not as bad as you think x

Just wanted to jump on and say that what you’re feeling is completely normal. I also grieved the easy, singleton pregnancy that I was looking forward to it. Twins also seemed like an insurmountable challenge- I likened it to my own personal Everest climb. Especially as I had a toddler too when I found out.

I didn’t enjoy my twin pregnancy at all mostly because of my anxiety. But once they arrived I was completely in love with them and all my fears lifted. Maybe it was the crazy pregnancy hormones easing. If you do decide to go ahead with the pregnancy you’ll be incredibly well looked after in the NHS with you having a multiple pregnancy.

It hasn’t been an easy ride but they are gorgeous and absolutely worth it.

Of course you need to make the right decision for you but I wanted to reassure you that a lot of us felt exactly the same way you did when finding out we were having twins.