Can't get my mind around twins + gender dis + potential health issues

[Bitlost64]

I feel like I'm in such a jumble I thought I'd try posting here for your wise words. I am 20 weeks pregnant.

I've always dearly wanted a baby, a little girl, and was so thrilled to find a partner I loved who agreed to have one. It was definitely to be just one because he already has kids, which suited me fine as I could see financially we would struggle with any more, having to move house, buy a bigger car etc.

Since I became pregnant however it just seems like one trial after another. First we found out it was twins, which seems to come with a whole host of complications and all-round health risks and financial worries of its own. Next, there is a big size discrepancy between the twins - one being in the third percentile. I and my partner, and both families are all incredibly tall, with all the kids in this and my generation previously being 'tallest in their class', and I cannot for the life of me imagine how these are just 'smaller babies'. After much agony we have booked in for invasive testing, but I cannot help feeling like even if this turns up nothing, there still must be some issue.

Next it has turned out we are having two boys, which if I'm honest was a huge blow. I would have loved a little girl more than anything, but while I feel like I could have got my head around a boy, TWO boys seems like it will be a huge undertaking. I have read up so much stuff about twins by now and I keep coming across ominous comments about how much harder work boy twins are. I look for nice clothes to cheer myself up but the cost of buying everything twice is so crazy that we basically can't have any. Also I feel so concerned about the smaller boy feeling out of place in a family of such tall people. I was bullied and overlooked on the dating scene for being 'too tall' as a girl, and it was really upsetting to me. My one place I felt 'normal' was with my tall family, but it worries me over and over that my boy won't even have that refuge.

I just feel like on every front - medical, financial, gender, family size - everything has just gone wrong. There isn't a single element of my current reality that represents anything I had imagined for myself. I have glimpses where I can imagine happiness in my future but then long periods of despair. Judging how I feel now I feel like it's likely I'll get PN depression, which just makes me feel like I'll be a terrible mother from the off.

My partner is wonderful but I think there's an element to which he already has his two perfect children, whereas these are all I will ever have. I'm just gutted this is my experience.

Not sure why I posted this really other than to just lay out all the worries going round in my head.

[ScienceDragon]

My 8lb 11oz son is several inches shorter than his 7lb 13oz brother. Size in utero/at birth, are not a guarantee of adult dimensions. You've got to remember that DNA, and childhood nutrition factor into a child's height as well.

Before I had children, I desperately wanted a daughter, but after having sons, I came to realise I actually liked raising boys more. I found them to be a lot more low maintenance (again, varies with the child).

Start looking for second hand babies clothes. Most grow out of them so fast, that second hand is often as good as new (and far cheaper).

I actually learnt to sew after my first was born, just so I could make clothes that were a lot nicer than I could afford to buy. If you happen to be at all crafty, that might be something to consider as well.

[ScienceDragon]

I should add, the above weights were at birth, not adulthood.

[CrispAppleStrudels]

Hi OP, sounds like there's a lot going on and hopefully some twin mums will be along to reassure you. But i will say that i had a very small singleton baby (0.4th centile) and by 2yrs, she is now 75th centile for height and weight and has absolutely caught up. So whilst it may be that one of your twins is very tiny, they may not necessarily stay that way.

[LetMeEnfoldYou]

You're not just having boys, you're having babies, you're building your family.

Whether they're tall or short or whatever really has no consequence; you'll love them because they are your children.

I would suspect you're already tipping into depression territory, and it might be worth mentioning it to your midwife. Anyone would be overwhelmed by twins, but you're seeing problems that don't exist, and may never come to pass.

[EIMWDIEAD]

The size of your unborn babies now likely won’t have any bearing on how big they will be as adults. I had single babies, but my smallest newborn baby is the biggest of my children.
I think before our babies are born we all stereotype in our mind what each sex will be like, but when they are here you realise actually, they are just people. Their sex doesn’t matter as much as who they are as a person.

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

Why do you need to buy two of everything for clothes? Just buy 20 sleepsuits and use then over and over on either baby.

It feels like you are spiralling, and being told its twins is a massive bit of news, but i think you probably need some proper support for your anxiety.

[PinkRoses1245]

Gosh your post makes me so sad. Only Wanting a child of a specific sex and being disappointed if it’s the other sex, is just ridiculous, sorry. You have no idea how they will be as children and people, and how they will chose to express their gender identity. I’d be seriously seeking some counselling to come to terms with the fact it’s two boys, to not have a detrimental impact on their lives.

[canyoukeepit]

Hi there :)

I'm a twin mum and I know how you feel. It's shocking news and all the health risks are scary.

You have two boys. If you wanted a girl. That can be disappointing too.

Mine were normal sized babies both over 7lbs so they don't always pop out tiny.

Twins trust are amazing and will reassure you of any worries you may have.

[canyoukeepit]

@PinkRoses1245 don't be so judgemental! She's allowed to feel disappointment and it's not silly or ridiculous.

[sparklefresh]

@PinkRoses1245

Gosh your post makes me so sad. Only Wanting a child of a specific sex and being disappointed if it’s the other sex, is just ridiculous, sorry. You have no idea how they will be as children and people, and how they will chose to express their gender identity. I’d be seriously seeking some counselling to come to terms with the fact it’s two boys, to not have a detrimental impact on their lives.

I agree.

[romdowa]

I was 9 pounds 2 at birth and I'm now just scraping five foot one. The smaller twin could end up being the tallest.
For the rest I think you need to talk to someone.

[Pleaseme]

I'm also a twin mum, is it a MCDA twin pregnancy? I know they were very concerned about TTTS, scanned every two weeks from 12 week scan, even if it does crop up there are things they can do (laser the placenta apparently). I had a decent discrepancy between my twins but they felt it was fine. They were born 5lb10oz and 6lbs, so not tiny. They went to NiCU, they sent them back.

[Everyhow]

Your post is completely irrational and I would worry you are experiencing depression. Speak to your midwife. You’re pregnant with twin boys who appear to be perfectly healthy. I’m not sure why you’re doing invasive testing purely as one twin is shorter. Scans aren’t massively accurate anyway. I was told my baby was big and tell on scan and baby was petite and 6 lbs when born. Could be worth also exploring your gender disappointment. Did you want a little girl to dress up like a dolly in pink? Did you want a mini me? Children are their own selves not mini versions of their parents. It would be good to know more about what’s driving this so you don’t pass your odd views onto your boys (ie them feeling unwanted).

if you are worried financially join a local mums WhatsApp. I joined one after having baby and the amount of stuff being given away for free is staggering! Everything from slings to cots to clothes to toys. Otherwise Ikea and Tesco for baby furniture and clothes. Tesco have lovely clothes.

[Everyhow]

And I have to say people have no business getting pregnant if they’ve their heart set on one gender. You know going in it’s 50/50 chance of boy or girl. This makes me so sad for those lovely baby boys who aren’t even here yet and who will love their mum without question. I sincerely hope it’s depression talking.

he already has his two perfect children, whereas these are all I will ever have

[Gettingbysomehow]

Well I don't know about twins but DS and I couldn't possibly be any closer and he's a real man's man. I never regret not having a girl.

[AtrociousCircumstance]

OP, your vision of what the future holds has been pulled out from under your feet so I understand you’re struggling.

But you will love these boys. They’ll be yours. When they arrive your feelings - which are based on imagination - will melt away and be replaced by the reality of love.

[Abouttimemum]

You’re entirely valid to feel how you feel. My son was premature and born small and wasn’t even on growth charts for the first year of his life. He’s 4 now and tallest in reception, he just grew all over from 1 onwards. Even if he was still small, it’s not something I would worry about. Kids are all shapes and sizes.

Boys are amazing. My son (granted I only have one) is really easy. He’s such a loving, bright, wonderful boy. If we did ever have another child, I’d want another boy.

Please don’t presume you will have PND before your babies have even arrived.

Of all the things you are worrying about, really the health one is the most important, and hopefully the testing will bring you some reassurance. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for that.

[amispeakingintongues]

Twin babies are very often different sizes in the womb and even out once they're out for a while. I mean they're competing for less space so its to be expected. Honestly i think you're worrying about nothing. I can appreciate gender disappointment though... I was the opposite to you and REALLY wanted my little boy to be a boy and lucky for me i got that, but, i then in my second pregnancy really wanted a little girl and felt genuinely sad at the thought i might not get my girl... (but i did) however I felt terrible about feeling potentially disappointed, so I do get it.

To reassure you; My healthy singleton boy was tiny, 6th percentile born full term at 5lb 13oz. Now he is the tallest in his nursery class for his age at 2.5 yo.

These arbitrary and sorry to say it but, rather shallow, considerations we make in pregnancy will honestly be overshadowed by the love you have for your children after they are born. You are blessed with two children. You have so much joy ahead of you. Some would cut their right arm off for just one. Try and reframe your disappointment with gratitude xx

[marshmallowfinder]

I find this just awful. There are absolutely no guarantees in life and if you're trying for a baby, surely you knew there could be many different outcomes? Two darling baby boys...you are so lucky really and it's a total tragedy that you can't see it. What will be, will be. Cross the relevant bridges when you come to them. Stop overanalysing and start loving and enjoying those little sweeties who are depending on you.

[Wick55]

Gender disappointment is real. I’m 39 weeks with my first baby and it’s a boy. OF COURSE I know I will love him unconditionally especially once he’s here but I had envisioned a little girl and everything that comes with that.

regards the twin aspect I can’t help, although my husband is a twin; they are both well over 6ft tall and athletic and they are both such lovely guys and have a bond like no other it’s amazing they are in their 30s and still sit together like little kids almost with their own language waffling away to each other. I would have loved twins for that reason, setting aside the risks and concerns you rightly have. It does have some wonderful upsides. Xxx

[TheMagicDeckchair]

I have an older girl and 2 year old boy twins. Initially I wanted b/g twins so my DD would have a sister and I was a bit disappointed initially about having 2 boys, but now they’re here I wouldn’t change a thing. They’re fraternal and completely different personalities- I barely think about their gender, one has really long hair and gets mistaken for a girl. My only complaint is that there’s far less choice for clothing for boys than girls.

I wouldn’t say that girls are any easier to raise. Whilst my DD is less physical, she’s very sassy and emotionally challenging. Once they’re here I don’t think you will even think about their gender.

But the idea of twins and twin pregnancy can be overwhelming so it might help if you could get some counselling or find some other expectant twin mums to get some support.

[ActDottie]

I get so upset reading posts about babies essentially being unwanted because they’re boys :(

I agree with previous poster who said your thoughts are irrational and you should look at getting some therapy or other help.

Also I’m pretty sure weight at birth is no way correlated to the adult height of the baby.

[CatamaranViper]

As someone who was the "wrong sex", it's a horrible way to grow up.
It was always clear that I was basically the consolation prize. I wasn't "what" or "who" was wanted.
My sense of self was through the floor. It's taken me years to accept that I am fine the way I am.

Please don't start viewing your babies as someone you're stuck with. Your babies will be your perfect little children regardless of their sex and size. They aren't wrong or lesser.

[Mabelface]

I have adult triplets who were teeny tiny when they were born, between 2lb4oz and 3lb1oz. Yes, they're shorter than average now, but it doesn't matter one bit.