AIBU to tell my husband that I don't want a second child

[Toughtimemum]

My husband is hinting towards a second child and I just don't think I can do it again.
This is going to sound terrible...the reason I don't think I can have a second child is because he was so completely useless with our first. The first nine months of my daughters life were absolute hell for me, I couldn't leave my daughter with my husband for any length of time (not even a few hours without him calling me to come home), i did and still do all the night feeds, all the meal prep, I had no time for myself to just sit and reflect, I deffo had PND and feel that I do still suffer with anxiety etc....I basically did everything where our daughter is concerned. He changes the odd nappy.
Looking back I had no recovery time for my body or mind to recover from pregnancy or birth. It was very rare that I was able to meet my own basic needs due to his lack of support, showers were maybe 2-3 times a week if lucky, I only ate if he put food in front of me. I was living away from my home town at the time and felt vert isolated and had no support.
I physically and mentally don't know how I made it through the first 9months of my daughters life.
Whilst now our daughter is older (15mths) my husband is a fantastic dad and I couldn't ask for more....but again I can't relive those initial 9mths, I don't think I would make it.
I don't want to tell my husband that he is the reason why I don't want a second child as I think that would really hurt him and I also don't want to take the risk of having another baby and history repeating itself.
I like the idea of our daughter having a sibling and I would like another baby but I just can't take the risk.

You are not being melodramatic, you are stating your reality. Stick to your guns x

Thanks to all who have posted with advice.
I do think that his lack of involvement in the early months of our daughters life stems from his own upbringing - I feel his dad earnt the money and had very little to do with the first few years of his life whilst his mother raised the children no questions asked. And whilst this may work for some, it certainly does not work for me.
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During the first 9months of my daughters life there were many occasions where I desperately needed my husband to step in. I don't want to go into details as this is not about husband bashing. I think that looking back now he knows he could have done allot more.

I think that the next time the subject raises its head I will be honest and tell him my fears of doing it alone again.

It's one of the reasons I stopped at one. I was so so low and dp was thoroughly crap. Maybe if I was desperate for a baby I would brush it aside but I'm not. I know lots of people cope alone but I felt alone would be easier than coping knowing someone else is letting you do it all, someone who is supposed to love you.

It isn’t normal, you shouldn’t have to just deal with it. You’re both parents! I wouldn’t just say ‘it’s all your fault’ but I would tell him that you don’t feel like you could go through all that again because it was tough for you both physically & mentally. I’m sticking to just one child too, no way am I going through pregnancy, birth & newborn stage again! I adore DS but never again (and he wasn’t even a difficult baby!)

@BetterEatCheese I can completely relate to this. There have been times when I wished I had been alone. The basic expectations I had of my husband were consistently not met and I felt throughly let down. If I were alone then I would have found it easier to accept it and "get on with it" and not have expectations of others.

Unmet expectations are one of the biggest marriage killers. Regardless of more DC or not it sounds like you need to talk.

You need to set out your expectations of co parenting and he needs to step to what is agreed between you.

OP, I really emphasise with you. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I had a very similar experience and it was draining and frustrating especially far from family support. Parenthood should be equal or at least reasonable!

If you did most of the care the first time you would need to be very sure this wasn't going to happen a second time. Is this the only reason you don't want another or deep down would you be happier to stay at one child?
Either way you are the one who has to be pregnant 9 months and give birth...your body and mental health so where there is disagreement about how many children I think the final decision has to lie with you.

Sending you a handhold; OP, as I feel the same as you do and my DP would love another baby. Whilst my experience was not quite as harsh as yours, I really struggled in the early days and still do . I also did and still do almost all the nightime get ups, change every nappy and give every bottle and I'm not sure I could go through it again. I don't think this is the norm at all. As others have said it is your body and your mental health that is important.

I feel for you OP. The experiences of single mothers who "had to get on with it" aren't relevant, you had someone who should have been helping you. I don't blame you for not wanting to do it again.

You don't want to hurt his feelings even though he was so useless while you had pnd? If all is well now then I might be tempted not to tell him - not to save his feelings but because he might try to talk you around/make false promises regarding a second baby. It's astonishing how many men want subsequent babies when they do feck all. It's your body and your call op but please don't have another baby unless you truly want one. Sounds like you're in a good place now?