When does having twins become fun?!

[RubySlippers77]

Everyone I know with older twins says how much fun they are, how it's easier than having separate DCs etc. Mine are 20 months now and still so much flipping hard work!!

I have good days and bad days but today was a bad day, DS1 would not nap despite being absolutely shattered, I ended up screaming at him - I was right at the end of my tether, I'd driven him, walked him and driven him again and he still wouldn't nap. He'd been a whiny, whingey, tired little horror for hours and I was SO fed up; just needed half an hour without them both to recover and regain my patience for the rest of the day.

DS1 is about 80% of the hard work and I find myself resenting him, DS2 is much easier - eats better, sleeps better etc - DS1 has started scratching other children so I feel like we can't go to groups now. To be fair he started it in self defence as DS2 was a biter, but DS2 never bit other children, and DS1 scratches now when he feels threatened.

It doesn't help that I have no family nearby and the in laws are a bit too elderly to look after them for long - an afternoon is about the limit - I don't work (we can't afford the childcare) so I very rarely get a break from them. I love them dearly but had a hideous, traumatic birth and OH being an arse for months, and feel like everything would be much easier if we had only one baby.

They were IVF twins and very much wanted which makes me feel even more ungrateful for feeling like this, but I am very, very tired and can't see any light at the end of the tunnel at the moment!

Can anyone give me an idea of when I might actually enjoy a day with them instead of just feeling like I'm surviving through it?!

Thanks Fairy and sorry for the delayed reply, we are on hols with rubbish wifi... you'd think having OH round would make things easier (extra pair of hands etc) but in some ways he actually makes things harder - for example, I've learned the hard way that sticking to a nap and bedtime routine makes them a lot more bearable, but he doesn't seem to get it...

I'll give that game a try when we get home, fingers crossed for nice (enough) weather - we have sunshine and showers here!

I hope you're getting on better OP. To be honest the point at which I started to enjoy parenting was when I stopped doing it full time. All of us need a break x

I agree about the small incremental changes, but it can also feel like you're going backwards sometimes. My DTs will be 3 in October and about 6 months ago I really felt like we were through the worst and they were so much fun. We knew we wanted another baby so started trying straight away and I have to say there's a part of my that regrets getting pregnant fairly quickly because they're very difficult right now. It's up and down though and you do need to vent somewhere like this or a local twins group on the bad days. Try to notice the good days too, or even good hours or minutes!

I'd recommend sticking with the groups if you can, in my experience people are very understanding and it will be a huge source of support and relief. Your DT will not be the only child who scratches, or bites or is badly behaved so try not to let that stop you.

Good idea on the garden toys and I'm sure loads of people have said this to you before but mine really benefited from a routine with some choice - we've got a chart the days of the week on it and they they each get to choose an activity from a small selection of sticky labels (which I sometimes remove stuff from!) each day. It isn't big stuff but might be singing, watching something, being read to, baking, playing in the garden, painting, playing with water games or building a den. Otherwise the chart is populated with their routine or stuff we need to do like nursery (yes, a total God-send!), shopping, watching Daddy running, visiting Granny, Synagogue. Every day also has their napping and bedtime routine on it. It sounds a bit mad, but I think them knowing what's coming and also having a little bit of choice has really helped us to manage their behaviour.

Best of luck, easy it is not!

E

Twinnypops I completely agree!! I haven't gone back to work as I was made redundant and haven't found anything that pays well enough to cover the childcare, and whilst it was a relief at the time (I did at least get some redundancy money) I wish now that I was back at work 2 or 3 days a week..... I would enjoy the boys a lot more if I didn't have them every day. Some people make great SAHMs but I don't think I'm one of them.....

That's a great idea about the routine Erica, mine do like knowing what's coming next - for example they are much better at bedtime with their bath, stories, cuddles routine. We have another couple of weeks with not much on (nothing regular anyway) but then I'll definitely take them back to some groups, it's just tricky keeping an eye on over confident DS1 and shy DS2 at the same time.

However poor DS1 fell over on our return from home, cut his mouth and chipped his front tooth, he's been a sad and subdued little boy since then we've had lots of cuddles but I've had to be careful about letting him play and run around, the dentist said to keep an eye on it for the next week or so.

Interesting what you said about another baby too, I would like another one as well (the twins were IVF and another one would have to be, but it would definitely only be the one this time!!) but am not sure what the best timing/ age gap would be. At 3 (ish) they would be easier to look after and at preschool for at least part of the day, but I can't imagine being pregnant and running round after them! Oh well, I guess I don't have to worry about that as much as thinking about the cost and everything else that goes with IVF.....!

For me I was patient, told it was hard with twins, here we are year later and they are autistic and turns out this is more likely in twins so enjoy x

Our twins have just turned 2. Oh my god it's relentless right now. When one is happy, the other one is screaming and vice versa. I'm sure the neighbour's think we're just torturing children 😱.

I love them so much and I feel so grateful that they were born healthy as it's such a high risk pregnancy but arghhh we need a break!

Everything feels so hard and complicated. We have a series of gates and locks which make the house feel like Fort Knox. Despite this, they manage to follow me into most rooms and destroy everything in their path. I now wait until they're asleep before I start tidying as otherwise it's just a demoralising shit storm. With that, 2 other children and 3 days a week in a high pressure 12 hour day job I'm on my knees. I haven't found the time for a haircut/ eyetest or smear.

My uncle who has twins once appalled my mother by declaring quite truthfully that he wouldn't wish then on his worst enemy. I don't feel
Like that but I understand where he was coming from.

Please please please tell me that it will get easier. I am immensely grateful for them but every day is just a monotonous messy struggle at the moment 😟!

Mine are two and three-quarters. They have been pretty good since birth. Just a few bad patches and a fair bit of scrapping. I've noticed in the last few days that they have both started to get quite absorbed in their play and I can read the paper....this feels new and relaxing! But even with good twins the difficult thing is being vigilant all the time they are awake, especially once they can move. It's tiring and almost impossible to have a conversation with anyone while looking after them alone.

As you've identified OP, the key is having a bit of time off. OH should step up. If he's nervous then work out a place where he can take them where he feels he can cope. (I used to take mine to a small park with no swings that felt safe and relatively easy.) Try to impress on him that twin parenting is a bit of a relay at the beginning and one way to make it work (and even fun sometimes) is to realise that you have to look after each other as well as the children. The reward for you getting a few hours off at the weekend and a night out every week or so is a much happier home for everyone. And he can build his confidence if that's an issue.

I also use a daytime babysitter. Rather than nursery fees, you could pay somebody for a couple of hours here and there - or a regular gig per week. Kids will be back at school in a few weeks and there might be somebody ideal looking for a bit of extra cash.

When ours were a couple of months old we met an older bloke who had twins, he told us that the first five years were the worst. We assumed that he was joking, now we realise he wasn't. Ours are nine now and I think easier than two DC of separate ages, they are good friends, although they do fight sometimes, they support each other and protect each other, they have very little they have to do alone unless they choose to. I wouldn't swap my pair for two singles for anything but the first year was brutal and the next couple pretty hard work. I agree with the older gentleman I met nearly ten years ago, the first five years are the worst!

I have no idea how you do it as I have one and absolutely have my hands full at times, but OH "not being able to cope" just isn't good enough I'm afraid. If he needs to plan to visit his parents, friends etc for some support whilst he has the children then so be it but for you not to be able to have a break at all is not acceptable. I'm terrible at insisting I need a break and it usually only happens when I'm at breaking point (and I have an "easy" child) I think you need to start insisting that you need time alone even if it's only a couple of hours to go out and have a coffee in peace. It's amazing what a couple of hours away can do for your ability to cope

Ah, I see that's exactly what OH has done today. Good stuff. Now make sure it's a regular thing

I feel your pain. Mine are 4 and are amazing, but we have certainly been through some tough periods!!

I used to plan to go places with another mum quite often. A twin mum or a singleton. Then you can tag team - one sit with the quiet babies and one chase the rampagers, then swap. And life definitely gets better when they can talk!

I would agree that your OH doesn't get to opt out of having them. If the worst comes to it they can eat oven chips and watch TV all day, nobody will come to harm from that, and you can go and do something. I would just book it.

At playgroups and stuff if you are on your own is there a helper there who could watch one of them? Our playgroup days are over but once mine got reasonable self sufficient I would always offer to help twin mums.

Keep going. We are here for you!

i.imgflip.com/rbznb.jpg

Sorry, try again!

I love that picture Persis!! (And your name, which I think is from the 'Anne' books?)

We've just got back from holiday, which was hard but doable with two parents. However OH has now hurt his foot AND EVERYONE IN THE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW. Of course he cannot possibly look after children now, even when I've been throwing up all night and need a lie in just to catch up on a bit of sleep and not be a zombie :-(

I agree with loads of things written here - and thank you so much everyone for your input! - my life would be much, much better if OH stepped up more often and if I knew I was going to get a regular break. Mine don't even nap together some days and it makes it really tough. They are starting preschool one morning a week from November but even that is making me a bit as DS1 is not always good at interacting with other children, DS2 has always been a biter and I think he now pushes them away in self defence before he gets bitten!

Some playgroups have been good but I'm always wary that DS1 will push or scratch another child - I know it's very common and in fact has been done to him too - but still, it's mortifying.

I have had a long break from MN but am just getting back into it now..... hopefully I'll also find a thread to help me lose some of the baby weight!

You are doing well. Twins are tough. They will probably love preschool - one of mine was a biter and about 3 sessions there cured her. I know it's embarrassing but my kids have been bitten loads and the only time I was at all was when the kids mum didn't even tell him off!!

I know twins are expensive but I would really look hard at working too. It might end up costing more than you make but remember the cost of childcare will go right down when they start school, but if you wait til then to get a job you will have been out of the market for 5 years. I work 3 days normally and that's perfect for me.

I got pregnant unexpectedly when mine were about 14 months old and had awful morning sickness. At that time the TV was switched on in my house and never really went off . After lunch we all lie down on the sofa and watch a film or something, and my sleepy twin could doze and the one who NEVER SLEEPS would just cuddle up for a bit. I know TV is really frowned upon here but I love it and my girls are perfect so it's obviously safe enough!

Keep posting and to you

I really can't wait for preschool!! (Apart from the worries about behaviour!) Today I am feeling absolutely dreadful, full of cold, all I want to do is go back to bed for a bit but no hope with these two..... for the past couple of days they haven't even napped together. I almost cried at the thought of having no break from them all day!

I've looked into working but just can't make it affordable, plus we occasionally consider having another baby; part of me would love one (just one!!) as I don't feel like I enjoyed the newborn stage at all with two to look after. Most of me though can't face pregnancy and birth plus twin toddlers to look after! It would help a lot if OH was more supportive - I honestly thought he would be great, he so much wanted kids, but on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being where I thought he'd be, he's around a 4 or 5

The other thing I'm considering is retraining for another career once I finally have a couple of mornings a week to myself, a friend did it and has never regretted it. Her kids are teenagers now, she works 30 hours a week in the NHS and that works really well for her.

Suppose I should make an effort to take them out this morning or it will be slow death by Peppa Pig for me.....

Good luck!

I’m not quite sure, still waiting!!! Lol!

Have a look at my Facebook page, I hope it will keep you smiling :)

m.facebook.com/taleofthetripleT/

Thanks Tale! I have no idea how people cope with more than twins, you are doing an amazing job!!

Maybe once they go to school we will all start to have more fun and get a bit of our old lives back?!

Fun? Raising kids? I don't see the connection.

My twins are 2.5 and my older boy is 4.

It's still relentless and tough going but there's no doubt that it's getting easier to manage.

Mine play together a fair bit now which is lovely (although they still do a lot of physical fighting).

We do an early bedtime which is a lifesaver, particularly as I work outside the house in a full on role as well. Those few hours to myself let me recharge for the next day.

DH is pretty good at taking up the slack and we give each other space to do something by ourselves whenever possible.

We get out of the house as much as possible; walks, playing in the garden, romping on the beach, playgrounds, picnics, whatever we can. Endless singing to stop the whinging as well

Parenting small children is hard so be kind to yourself and make sure you get plenty of opportunities to do things just for you.

I spoke to another twin mummy yesterday who said that usually her twins (2.5) aren't bad, but of course as soon as she takes them out on her own they turn into feral children

Mine do squabble a fair amount, to be fair I think it's because they are always together and don't always want to do/ play with the same things. We end up spending a lot of time in the park to tire them out!

I do wish my OH was more supportive as that would make a world of difference to me; most of my mummy friends have a life outside kids (gym, nights out, meeting friends etc) but I can only meet people during the day, if I go out during the evening he moans about the cost and/ or refuses to help with the house tidying up and leaves it for me to do. I've been out literally twice in two years!

Glad to hear that there is light at the end of the tunnel though

Thank you to everyone for their responses so far. I need to come on here again as otherwise I think I will go mad!

I'm having such problems with DS1 and don't know where to turn really. I wonder if he is somewhere on the autism spectrum as he isn't developing as fast as DS2 and simply cannot cope with many situations. At home in his little routines he is fine, but if DS2 tries to change things then he flies into a rage. When we're out and about he often gets into an enormous tizzy for no reason that I can see and will end trips to the park sobbing on the ground. I dread taking them both out and am so jealous of my friends with only one DC who are enjoying their time with little ones. The week stretches ahead of me and I KNOW it will be filled with loads of squabbles, tantrums, whinging etc because they both want all my attention. I'm full of cold at the moment and close to tears just at the thought.

It would help enormously if OH was more supportive but he just isn't - I think he sees the fact that he financially supports us (I'm a SAHM) as 'enough'. I never get a lie in, have to do 90% of the cooking and cleaning and if I dare to suggest that I meet up with friends without the DCs (ie: he looks after them!) then I get comments about me spending money I don't have, eating too much cake etc. As a result I've been out twice in the evening since they were born. They're now 2! When I see my mummy friends going for dinner, going to parties, having days out etc I could cry - there's no way I could do anything like that.

And to add to everything I am 2 stone overweight and can't find the motivation to do anything about it as I'm too knackered to care, have very little opportunity to cook healthy meals (and a tiny kitchen so no escape from rampaging toddlers!), and it really feels like food is my only friend sometimes. I try to tell myself that my proper friends don't care about the way I look and I spend 90% of my time just with the DCs anyway so what does it matter?! But it's a vicious circle, I lack energy because of it, none of my clothes fit properly and it makes me feel crap about myself - and then of course I eat more cake

I don't know if anyone has any suggestions - especially about DS1 and who I might talk to (the HV says I need to wait till his 2 year check, but I still don't have a date for it!) - but it has helped me simply to get this all out. Being a mummy can be very lonely sometimes, for me at least!

I don't have twins, but thought I'd give your thread a bump and give you an un- mumsnetty (((hug))), it sounds like you need one!

Your OH doesn't sound very helpful or supportive at all. Will he take one twin on his own?

Thanks PolkaDots I was really at the end of my tether yesterday!!

OH will only take one/ both DCs if he's going to his mum's (where he won't have to look after them regardless). I've tried leaving just one with him but he still does things like leave them in very wet/ dirty nappies for ages and claim he didn't notice - so now I worry if he doesn't take them to his mum's, where at least someone might notice.

I just feel trapped as whatever I want to do outside the house is seen as an extravagance, irrespective of how little it costs, whereas he feels justified in spending whatever he wants 'because he's the one earning the money'.

I hate to wish away my DCs baby years but I do hope that things improve immensely once they're a bit older, easier to look after and at school/ preschool more often to give me some free time!!