Can't come to terms with having twins

[LittleMissTwins]

Hi, I'm new here, wish I had found this site sooner! I'm mum to 1 year old ID girls.

I'm still really struggling to get over the fact I have twins. Did anyone else feel like this? It's ridiculous as they are a year old now and I've got through the difficult baby bit.

I look at mums with one baby and feel so jealous that I will never experience this. I've given up on mum and baby groups as I seem to spend my whole time chasing after my girls and never get to chat to the other mums. They sit with their one baby drinking tea and chatting and I long to be able to do this. Music groups are just as difficult as you have to dance around with your baby and I can't pick up both of mine at once, or even get both into the hall if there are stairs.

I have two beautiful, healthy little girls and I know I should count my blessings but just feel so lonely and left out. My twins were a complete surprise and I guess I just never imagined motherhood would be like this.

Have any of you other twin mums felt like this - or am I just an ungrateful old moo?

Comparing it with the 3 single births twins are easier. A 1 and 2 year old are harder than 2 2 year olds. The twins are always on the same developmental level and they play together too.

I just wanted to add my two-penny-worth. Like others have said, I reckon that the first year is the hardest. This time last year I was in the same position as you, and was just about to celebrate the fact that I had survived the first year with twins. This year, with my DTs birthday on Sunday, I'm not simply celebrating surviving another year, I'm celebrating the fact that I have two gorgeous, loving, fun, mischevious little girls who make me laugh every day. Along with my older girl, they now play together and although life is still hard work, I am now enjoying life.

To echo what others have said, if there is a twins club near you, I urge you to try and go along - I got a huge amount out of the one I used to go to. (Where do you live - perhaps you are near one of us?)

My closest friend, who I met through ante-natal classes when I was expecting DD1 only had her second last September. Today she started looking after a 6 month old baby (her second is 5 months) for one day a week and she rang me this evening. She said 'I always knew you were a good mother but I just had to call to say "RESPECT". I give him back at the end of the day and it's just one day a week. How did you/do you manage? Picking both up at the same time, looking after them both when they cry, feeding them at the same time?' What she said made me realise exactly what we do and how hard it is for mothers of single children to understand the challenges of being a multiple parent.

Glad to hear you are feeling better. Hope to see you on our regular thread soon.

P.S. twinsnikki your post was lovely and reminded me again how lucky we all are.

Hello LittleMissTwins! My twins are now just over 2 weeks old and I have a DS just 2 years old!

When I found out I was having twins I was really shocked and could only think of the negative things about it. However the great multiples mums here really helped make it seem normal and doable and the first 2 weeks have been wonderful (despite no sleep!)!

Just curious, the other mums at the mother and baby groups sit with their one baby drinking tea? It sounds as if their babies are potatoes and you have lovely, energetic lively girls ! My ds1 is the same (not belittling the fact that you have 2 like it to chase after, exhausting!), I look enviously at other people with their well behaved children sitting nicely while mine runs like a madman everywhere with me chasing after him. I gave up going anywhere which didn't have a play area a long time ago! Best is to only meet up with people where you can go somewhere safe where it doesn't matter what your girls do, then you can ignore them and enjoy your tea !

I hope you will be giving me advice about how to deal with twins over the next months !

And the thing about wishing your twins babyhood away, I'm not sure this is just a twin thing (maybe it is a first baby/ies thing), I confess to feeling the same about ds1. Now he is 2 years old I wish he would stop growing up and I could go back and enjoy his babytime again !

Hello littlemisstwins,

I am not the mum but the grandmother of non-ID twin boys whom I am helping to raise. I know exactly what you are talking about because I didn't have twins and was able to do playgroups etc with mine. My daughter, on the other hand, constantly meets with an attitude of 'We have 2 children (or 3 or whatever) and can manage to do this or that'. But it's not the same thing at all and people with no exposure to twins will never understand. She gave up trying to do these groups a while ago and is more at peace now. And when she is at peace her boys are happy and they don't need these activities (they go to nursery which they love).She does nature walks with them and spends a lot of time outside with just the 3 of them or with us. She still feels lonely sometimes, but then don't we all? She was a very outgoing girl and finds it difficult as the friends she has now don't have children and she's a single mum. But that's life I'm afraid. Especially once you have children. Fortunately, she has a job she likes and I know from experience this stage doesn't last forever, things move on, the children start nursery or school and new people will come in and out of your life. In the meantime, know that you are not alone in finding motherhood full of surprises, good and bad. I think twins are the luckiest children in the world and count myself fortunate to be a part of it too.

hello littlemiss twins

i have 4 and a half yr ID girls, and reading your posting was like going back in time. I was also horrified to find i was having twins...and i found those first 3 years (yes, 3 years...sorry to fill you with dread, but i am being honest) very VERY hard. I hated my friends for their easy lives with one baby, and felt embarrassed by the many sympathetic but smug looks i got from single baby mums out pushing their buggies. I couldn't wait for them to get out of babyhood, but i hated myself for hating it. I was exhausted, resentful, bored and a bit of a disaster. I now have a one year old son, and have realised what a piece of piss it must be to have one baby at a time, it is a stroll in the park compared to twins. Twins is not like having 2 children who are close in age (thank god i never had a gun in my hand when my friends made that well-meaning but totally ignorant remark). Twins are absolutely EXHAUSTING and i would never wish them on my worst enemy. They are more than double the work of two babies, because the interaction between them complicates things so much. Unles you have been there, you would never understand it. Mine are nearly 5 now and they are still exhausting - but they are utterly hilarious, gorgeous and self sufficient (ok, that last bit was a lie, but they are certainly getting better). I still feel like the world's crappest mother - i hated the baby bit, and just had to realise i will never be a big fan of small babies. But, having kept the local off licence in business for the last 5 years, i can absolutely reassure you that there is light at the end of your (long) tunnel. And it's a terrible cliche, but the years really do melt away. My advice is to take lots of photos, all the time. When i look back, i can barely remember most of it (that'll be the 3 for 2 offers at Thresher mostly). My daughters share an incredible bond and most of the time they do run rings around me. But it is so much more interesting to watch than a singleton (i know, i am doing that too!). One last thing i would add is this - it took a close friend of mine 6 months to pluck up the courage to tell me she thought i might have post natal depression. She was right and i wish i had got a grip on it sooner. If you ever think it is all getting a bit more than you can cope with, then do seek advice....you will find most mothers of twins do get help for a while. I wish you all the best xx

hey, fellow twin mum please worry not. i remember going to my local twin club when my identical boys were just 5 weeks old simply to find out if the other mums cried as much as i did with exhaustion...and they did!

it's really hard at the baby stage, but to be honest i don't know many mums of 1, 2 or 3 etc... who enjoyed their babies. it's just harder trying to bond with 2 babies and get over the fact that you are a mother in one go.

for me the turning point has been since they could crawl. now that they are walking and starting to properly play together it's fantastic and actually easier than for singleton mums. it's only when they are ill that i am reminded of how horrible the beginning was.

my really good mum friends tend to be other twin mums as singleton mums just did not get it. at least with a twin mum if both your kids are kicking off and hers are calm she will not think twice about helping you out.

i hated going to play groups but to be honest once i got together with 2 other mums there were already 6 kids and we didn't feel the need to go anywhere other than the park with a bottle of wine!

my kids are coming up to 20 months and although i was horrified when i found out i was expecting twins i hate to say i wouldn't go back now.

plus, i never have to be pregnant again, suffer sleepless nights, find a playmate for my child etc...

I wouldn't change a thing here. Yes, having triplets was bloody hard and exhausting at times, but it made us special. I did keep going to toddler groups etc, and other parents were very willing to help out if I needed to change one, go to the loo or whatever. I rarely sat down during these things, but one day, my little gems got up onto their feet and were able to play properly and interact with the other kids. Now they're 8, I do actually miss the baby days to some degree. At least they didn't answer you back then!

Hi,
I am a mother to 5 ..my last pregnancy was twins. You are different to other mums you are privilidged in having 2 babies at a time.
It is hard work that first 2 or 3 yrs but it is worth it.
I must admit I do feel for mums who have had twins first time as they do not know how much easier it is to have just one!!!!
But you are doing a wonderful job and you will reap all the benefits when they are older... honestly.

Hi, I'm new here, but I thought I would leave you a message! I know how you're feeling, having twins and not knowing how to cope. I'm 15 and while I don't have twins at the moment I'm 7 months pregnant with identical twin girls that were the result of a rape, so I'm going to be completely alone looking after them, quite a daunting thought from all the stories I've heard about looking after even just one baby! I think I know how hard it will be to cope with having the twins, I haven't even told my parents about the pregnancy yet (I've been very careful to not let anyone notice), so it's been one hell of a pregnancy!

Just thought you'd like to know that you're not alone in your struggles, and there are others out there who are going through exactly the same thing - I always find that helps me get through it!

Whenever I start to wish this has never happened to me, I imagine their smiles, how soft their skin will be to touch, what it will be like to watch them grow; I think of all the good things. Singleton mums get something that is more special than the entire world, but I get 2 of them! Well I must have done something wonderful to deserve that.

So, my advice to you is that when you're down, and all seems impossible, and you want to scream at the twins, cry with lonliness, and the world is against you, think about all the special things they are going to give you, or the good things they've given you. Everything you're feeling is something that almost every mother has gone through, try to keep your chin up. You've got to take the good with the bad; if there was no sadness, you wouldn't know happiness Oh! and moaning is very good for the soul

Best of luck...

Elsa xx