Literally not coping, where can I get help?!

[Heloise1982]

I'm sat here in tears because both my twins (7mo) have been crying at the top of their lungs all afternoon. They're tired but won't nap. I've had to put my 2 yo in front of the telly while I've been trying unsuccessfully to settle them - they won't take any more food (bf), they're on medication for reflux that doesn't seem to work, literally every position I put them in they hate. They calm down a bit when I'm holding them but I can't hold two babies and look after a toddler! I've got no help nearby and my husband, who is brilliant and super supportive, works long hours so I'm home alone a fair bit. They're not sleeping brilliantly either; I was up 3 times in the night and have been up for the day since 4 am. I simply don't know what to do or how to carry on like this; it feels like it's been going on forever. GP says there's nothing wrong with them. I'm not depressed incidentally, at least not in a clinical sense, I'm just miserable and stressed to buggery. And for some reason every time anyone asks how I'm doing all I can say is 'oh, not too bad, thanks.'

When will this get easier? Why do they cry all the time?? I feel so isolated but struggle to get out with two babies and a toddler (husband has the car for work, I do sometimes borrow it but it's a massive faff and means he has to get a taxi, and it's difficult getting all three kiddies in and out, bus is pretty much an impossibility) I feel like I desperately need help but have no idea where to start or how to get it.

Oh OP, I feel for you!! Mine are 11mo now and we've just had the evening from hell with them - they're getting worse at bedtime instead of better - I can't imagine having a toddler to cope with as well!

If you can make it, your local children's centre would definitely be worth a try, they usually have plenty of staff and/ or volunteers at 'stay and play' sessions so you could take all three along and know you'd get help. Plus some of the staff have been nannies and could probably give you more advice/ point you towards other local sources of help.

I'm assuming you're not on a low enough income to qualify for free childcare for your 2yo - there's a scheme in my area which offers some free hours if you're in receipt of certain benefits?

And for Home Start, your health visitor can refer you (and bump you up the list, I think!), worth a try anyway.

TheEagle, you have given me hope that mine will eventually sleep through the night!! At the moment they are both up at least once each, usually twice. Which was ok when they were asleep by 8ish, I'd have a couple of hours to myself before going to bed; now they are playing up every single night and I am thoroughly, utterly, completely bloody fed up of them not going to sleep till 9.30/10. Means that by the time I've finished my chores, I get about an hour's sleep before the first one wakes up, and no time to myself at all I've only hopped on MN because I'm so flipping furious at tonight's 10.30pm bedtime still that I can't get to sleep yet!

Please contact Homestart. Ask your health visitor. I am a volunteer, I absolutely love it. Give it a try.

Thanks everyone, lots of good advice. Although the kind words have set me off again! Pottering how did I not know the Twingo sling existed?? I will definitely try and get hold of one, that could really help. I went to bed with a 'things will seem better in the morning' attitude, but then one twin was up lots in the night (but is now having a lie in), and the other twin slept well but was up bright and breezy at 5 am singing. This is happening all too often at the moment, and the end result is no bloody sleep for me!

It is good to know it's not just me who struggled to get out and about - I was worried I was just being a bit of a flake about it! I'm lucky that my toddler is a (usually) fairly placid, easily pleased little thing, and there's a little park round the corner that keeps her very happy. I'm getting sooo bored of it tho! I would love to do something that meant I could have some adult company more regularly, and really will look into it.

There really are some lovely bits to having the twins, it's just a great deal of it is just... so... sodding... HARD. I've never felt so overwhelmed by anything. But I do love hearing from twin mums (and dads) who have got through this stage

It's a phase, it's a phase, it's a phase.

Be very careful that a sling for twins doesn't give you a very bad back. That's a lot of weight to have in slings.
Saying this as someone that spent six months in spinal rehab after having twins.

That's why a sling library will be best - they can make sure it fits properly and so that doesn't happen.

twingocarrier.com

As well as the north east sling library, it's a sling thing also does postal hire if you can't find one in person

Also meant to add that my two are not twins but have been tandem carried; it's perfectly possible to sling two children safely and comfortably!

Hi I have 7 month old twins also and I'm going through something very similar . For the past 2 months they have been very unsettled and walking me several times a night. I also have a 3 year old so she will wake me up bright and early just as the babies have both settled then will end up waking one or both of them up too! Sometimes I just want to scream and I desperately need a decent nights sleep too. I'm struggling a lot in the day too as dd goes to nursery 5 morning A week so we all have to be up and out by 8:15. It's so so hard and I just want you to know your not the only one going through this I pray it will get better I'm sure it will

my health visitor was able to put me in touch with Homestart and a nice lady used to come round and help me a bit when mine were younger (I didn't have twins but quite a small age gap and PND).

It is really, really hard in the first year, OP - hang on in there. I had two older kids (3 and 5) when my twins were born, so I feel your pain.

Lots of good advice above. Definitely find a twin group if you have one nearby - it's the only place you'll find people who understand what you're going through. My local one is great - people with older twins always hold and help with babies, and some mums with twins at school will do home visits to support new twin mums. They will also have loads of suggestions about where to get practical help, and may be able to loan slings etc.

Weaning is difficult at first I think (I found this with my twins, not my singletons), partly as there's already so much to fit in - feeds, naps, washing. But it gets easier when you can drop milk feeds. If you have a toddler then BLW is good as you can give them all the same food too (and extra cooking is something you def don't need!).

The first year is just hard. I found little improvements at 6 months and again about 10/11, once they were properly into food and my routine settled again. Reflux also completely cleared with mine once they were on food.
I hope you get some help soon - look after yourself.

Another one here for Homestart.
I had twins 18 years ago so can tell you it does get better.
I volunteered for Homestart and was allocated to families with twins.
It's a great organisation and all the families I have worked with have really benefited.
I would take kids out for a couple of hours, iron, look after children whilst mum went to appointments etc.
Hopefully there's one in your area.

Just to add re the reflux - I weaned mine at 5 months actual (31 weekers) on the advice of the paeds. They were tiny and couldn't sit unassisted so we had to go down the purée route but it most definitely made a difference.

I was watching a programme last night 'the busby quints' - they had a singleton and then five turned up!!

Apart from the screaming and rubbish sleep how are they doing?
Any rashes? How's their weight? How do they feed? What are their nappies like?
Sorry lots of questions. I completely understand how you're feeling, it's just never ending with no end in sight.
We started treating ours for reflux but nothing worked (ranitidine made them even worse), it turned out to be a milk allergy. Once we'd got them on the right formula they were different babies pretty much overnight. Pm me if you want any more info X

If you're having rouble sitting them in the high chairs try two bumbos for weaning. My two hated their high chairs with a passion so I gave up on them and sold them on gumtree and bought two bumbos, we used them for months until they were happy to sit in high chairs.

We ended up with the cheapy ikea ones which are the easiest to clean,every minute counts with twice the work to do, and they also seem to be much comfoer than the expensive folding wooden ones I got in the first place.

Also re twin slinging... It changed my life! Mine both had reflux and I wish I'd started wearing them much earlier as I honestly believe it would have saved me many tears of desperation. I'm going to on you a face book page that you'll find lots of help on x

They're doing ok slightly - I did consider an allergy, but they're feeding / growing pretty well (fallen just slightly off their growth curve and they were tiny to begin with, but nothing that anyone seems particularly concerned about.)

We had a better day yesterday - much less crying and they sat up in their high chairs and ate something for the first time! (I say 'ate' - they put food in their mouths. But I'm pleased with that. It made me feel like there might finally be light at the end of the baby tunnel...)

Having said that, they are currently grizzling their way through the morning. I think they're tired. Sleep is still a bit of a disaster area - up 3 times with yet another 4 am start. 4 bloody am!!! It's killing me. By the time they're in bed I really just want a nice meal and chance to talk to my husband, but I'm so tired I end up falling into bed at 8.30. Which doesn't help my general sense that I have no life beyond babies. I think perhaps the time may have come to bit the bullet and start with a bit of sleep training, I can't carry on like this.

I'm trying to be proactive, and joined TAMBA yesterday. Trouble is by the time the children were all in bed I was plain too exhausted to follow anything up. But today is my daughter's day in nursery, so hoping to use nap times to look into a sling.

Ruby and twinsy how are you getting on?

Thanks for all the messages - reading them all really has cheered me up during a pretty crap week.

You are doings great job. I would also recommend Homestart, in our area you can either be referred by Health Visitor or self referral. I have got twins and am a Homestart volunteer. I often take babies out for a walk, it stay at home with babies and allow mum time to go out with the toddler.
Would it help if you could get out for a walk. I always found screaming babies didn't sound so loud outside, and I felt much better seeing daylight and breathing fresh air. It always seemed an effort to get out but it was worth it.

How are you doing Heloise? I hope you've had a better week

My twins are nearly 1 now and although hard work, it's a lot easier than before; we're in a routine and they sleep better (but not through, sadly!). Sleep deprivation is awful - it sounds like neither of yours would be too bad to deal with on their own, but together.....! We still have bad nights but thankfully they're outnumbered by the better ones. I dream of a full night's sleep - not had one since they were born - my OH is rubbish with night feeds and refuses to do them, which doesn't help.

We had our 10 month check recently and the health visitor is referring me to a sleep workshop for further ideas, perhaps worth checking if there's one in your area too?

Double, I agree that walking is a great idea, mine definitely sleep better when out and about and I get to be smug clocking up Fitbit steps! Plus I can always walk to a nearby coffee shop if I feel the need for caffeine to get me through!!

Yes thanks Ruby we've had a much better week thankfully. I went back to the GP and got updated measurements for the reflux meds, and I don't know if it's that or just a coincidence but there has been much less crying and a lot more smiling this week. We also (touching all sorts of wood here) seem to have cracked down on the 4 am wakings by starting to limit how much they sleep in the day (they do love a long nap, bless them, which obviously has its advantages but some days they were having over 6 hours of daytime sleep and I think that was what was causing the early starts.) It makes the last hour before bedtime a bit of a slog because they're so tired, but it's preferable to those god awful early starts. It's saying something when 6am feels like a major lie in! They've also taken to their high chairs a lot better and have finally started eating some solids (for various reasons, we decided to stick with baby led weaning), so I'm hoping that might help settle the reflux (although it hasn't yet, milky vom has just been replaced with foody vom, which is so much more disgusting.)

Night time sleep still isn't great. Luckily one of our community nursery nurses is a sleep specialist and came and spent an hour with us talking through various things. I felt so much better by the time she left - like I wanted to give her a hug and ask her to be my mum. Hopefully your sleep workshop will have some help to offer!

So no miracles but really trying to focus on the little improvements. Small steps and all that!

Just picking up on a really small thing you said upthread, my twins also hated highchairs to start with as they were too small and didn't have the muscle tone to hold themselves up so we did baby led weaning in Bumbo seats for the first couple of months. They were much happier in there and waning definitely helped settle them and improved their nighttime sleep.

You are doing a great job. Parents of multiples are amazing, even on a shit day!

No advice...just chipping in to say I know exactly how you feel. My DTS are 6m with reflux and DD is 2.7...it's been the hardest time of my life...just standing next to you and hoping it gets easier for both of us.