Is this racism? How to handle?

[geisha]

Sorry not even sure this is racism but its bothering my daughter and so I would be grateful for advice on how to handle. DD1 started school almost 3 weeks ago aged 4.5yrs. For the last week or so there have been some older children in the playground (aged 5-7) calling her the chinese girl. She is actually half chinese half english and to start with corrected them. However this is happening daily now adn although she is not upset or cross about it she is bothered that she being foccussed on. What bothers me more than anything is that in a smallish school with only a handful of children that are not white british, in a town with again only a handful of non british origin families that children of this age can look at a mixed race child who is not obviously mixed race and call her the chinese girl. Not all of the adults we meet realise she is mixed race so I am not sure how such young children have worked it out (from adults)? I haven't made a fuss, I have praised her for her way of handling it. Do I speak to school or is she going to have to toughen up and get used to it?

Yes - being picked on because you are different is horrid.

And it's something as a parent you never want your dcs to have to deal with.

Glad the teacher was positive about it. If it continues it's the midday meal supervisors (MMS) (who were dinner ladies when I was at school!) who will be witnessing this so the teacher needs to be asked to speak directly to them.

Hope things calm down soon.

As I was walking across the playground out of school today with dd1 I here 'chinese girl' shouted. So I turn round to the little boy concerned who was with his mother who was mortified and said 'hello! that's right she is chinese. Her name is M what is yours?' Boy goes quiet at this stage and mum manages to have astrained conversation with my dd about whether she is enjoying school. I explain that there is some playground bullying going on and that I'm sure now G knows dd's name he will be able to call her by that rather than 'chinese girl'. We say goodbye and I hear mum say as they walk off - 'you and I have some talking to do lad'. So I'm happy about that.

However, mum and boy were accompanied by another mum and girl. This girl is 'the one with a pink coat and her arm in a bandage' called L. L my daughter informed me this morning is the worst name caller in the playground. Her mum, looked at me in disgust and I am not sure that she understood that I was implicating her dd was involved in the playground bullying. If she did she couldn't give a flying f*?k.

I of course about turned and spoke to the teacher who was going to discuss with head immediately. I explained I did not want unecessary fuss or punishment but do want it to stop.

I am so sad - the 6/7 yr old kids would have the gall to shout abuse at another child across thew playground in front of their own mother and me! I feel like not taking her to school anymore. Why should she have to put up with this? Lord only knows what gets said in the playground with no adults listening if they are comfortable to shout abuse in front of parents.

My dd has informed me that she coped with it ver well today - when the unkind children look at her, her friend warners her and she concentrates at looking at her friend so maybe the unkind children won't see her and will not shout at her - this is 4.5 years of age. How sad...............sorry just need to offload

even hear

Geisha you dealt with that so calmly.

Thanks cornsilk - I didn't feel that calm. I have a parents meeting to attend tomorrow morning anywayt so I am hoping for some feedback about how this will be dealt with. I didn't want fuss but als don't want dd to have to deal with this everyday. will be spending the rest of the evening looking at the websites of the local private schools as plan B - sad I feel I need a plan B mind you.

Geisha - that is very sad,

what a horrible start to school.

I used to know a Somali family, they moved into an area that was renouned for being racist. We the kids started at their new school they were being shouted at by kids standing by their parents

the school did what they could but not a lot changed.

evenutally the Mum started volunteering at the school, after a few months all of the kids got to know her and her children and the bullying stopped. Might be worth ago.

noonki - will certainly bear this in mind, thanks. The sadest thing is I have lived in this town and smallish commmunity for hte last 24 years.

geisha, as a mixed race person myself who grew up in a school of very predominantly white children i think it's rather unhelpful to say to your daughter that she is the same as everyone else.

instead i would try to explain to her why these children are calling her chinese girl and help her to deal with it.

i remember being shocked to be called half caste when at home i was always told i was the same as everyone else.

i also remember at school being delighted when a chinese boy started and then a jamaican girl the year after. then they became more interesting than i was.

thanks ruddy for your thoughts - dd is aware she is half chinese and half english and that she is very lucky (though I don't think she is feeling it at the mo). however I do not want dd to expect any different treatment to any other child and in this respect she is the same as everyone else.

then that's where we differ.

ime and imo she should expect different treatment. it's how she deals with this that matters. i was brought up by my white grandparents who could not understand this and just saw me as the same as everyone else. it's rather a shock to find this is not the case when you aren't equipped to deal with it.

ruddy - how could i better equip her iyo/iye - i am happy and willing to do anything

explain to her why the children see her as different. she may well not realise she looks different. i honestly didn't until i was about 9.

or, if she does realise she's different then she will be confused as to why you say she isn't.

it may be that she is fully aware that she's different and she's confused that you say she isn't.

explain children pick up on people's differences. and, as you have been doing, reinforce how fabulous her difference is.

talk to her about how it makes her feel when people say chinese girl and why she feels this way. talk about why people pick on people full stop...being fat, being clever, being thick, being tall, whatever.

set the right example as you have been in telling people her name so she is reffered to as the person she is. however, accept and help her accept that she will continue to come across people who will refer to her as chinese girl.

ruddy - thanks. will have another talk with her tonight. The thing is she doesn't look very different. More than 75% of adults we meet do not notice that she has any oriental blood at all. 25% will ask whether she has oriental blood. That is why I don't understand how these 6 yr olds have come up with this name. I am reluctant to allow dh to drop her off at school tomorrow morning so that te other children do not see him and inflame the situation

Attended a parent meeting this morning and spoke to the head teacher afterwards. She says that the children concerned will be spoken to, they were doing an assembly today about how we are all different (something they do regularly anyway) and if it continues she said she will bring the parents in and speak to them. She said the one child is a well -known name caller and there have been several problems before. I told her that during the playground incident yesterday one mum was mortified and one didn't appear to understand. She said G's mum would deal with this appropriately, but implied L's mum (the well-known name caller) would have understood but would be unlikely to deal with it. I feel that I need to leave it for sometime now to see how things go. oes that sound right?

Sounds to me as if you are doing everything brilliantly.

Geisha sounds like you are doing a fantastic job of dealing with a horrible situation. Just a suggestion that you may want to keep in mind for the next time you speak to the school, could the school buddy your DD with one of the older children in school so she has someone bigger with her in the playground. The bullies are less likely to pick on her when they see an older child around. My DD's school did this as she was very shy and used to sit on her own at breaktimes as she was scared by all the other children running around.

thanks savoy and hbq - I will definately ask about the buddying thing if I need to speak to the school again, brilliant idea. Fortunately there is a nice group of girls in dd's reception classs who are all scared of the big kids but stick together.