Moving back to the UK - how to keep our daughters 2nd language?

[sel2223]

Currently living overseas in my husbands country with my husband and our 4 year old DD1. We've lived here all her life and she is completely fluent in both English and my husbands language.

Where we currently live, English is very widely spoken and my husband is fluent so we tend to speak 99% English at home. My language skills are basic to moderate at best, certainly not fluent, and it's more often my daughter correcting me now than me teaching her anything.

The only reason my daughter can speak her second language is because she attends a local nursery full time where the only language spoken is my husbands. We don't live near his family and she maybe facetimes with them twice a month, max. She'll also have the odd conversation when meeting people out and about or playing with other kids in the park etc but her preferred language is definitely English.

We are all moving to the UK in the next 6 weeks and already have a place for DD1 in a British school.

My question is how do I keep up with her second language as I really do not want her to lose this skill? I've asked my husband to make sure he speaks to her in his language but I know he'll revert to English every single time unless prompted. What else can I be doing? DD1 only wants to watch tv in English, her tablet is set to English, she only wants English bedtime stories etc and i know changes to these will come with a battle. Her second language isn't a common one in the UK and not taught in schools- maybe a private tutor is the way to go just to keep up the conversions?

I'm also pregnant with DD2 and wondering where to begin to teach her the second language when she won't be living there and immersed in it like DD1 was?

It seems to be far more important to me to embrace the culture and language of their father and that half of their family than it is to their father who is more happy that they will grow up in the UK and just sees English as the priority for their future.

Any advice will be much appreciated, thank you.

It is but he very much prefers to speak in English and only really speaks it when talking to his parents or when I am there nagging him to speak it with DD.
I know what he needs to do, but it's not that easy forcing another person to actually do it daily

Well I sympathise in that case. My native language is not English and my Mother curses me for not speaking to the children in my native language however the truth is I don’t really feel comfortable doing so anymore, having lived in England since I was 18 (now late 40s)

if it helps though my ds9 has recently started motivating himself to learn my language and is making great progress on Duolingo and with me helping. The younger the better.

In wonder if your dh would agree to say a set hour a day of speaking his language, or you all speak it around the table at dinner time. Might be easier for him than doing it all the time.

If your dh doesn’t want to make the effort to speak in his language, I think you’ve lost before even starting. Which is a shame imo.

Any idea I have is based really on speaking with the child, which he needs to do…..

Honestly if your husband isn't bothered then I agree with previous posters that it's simply not going to happen and your new baby is very unlikely to learn any of the language.

Since you speak the language too, you could make your home a language2 only space. She and DD2 will speak English at school and nursery anyway.

but my preference in this instance would be to get her to actively engage and want to continue with the language rather than have me force it on her and her end up hating it.

I think that’s fair enough.
But you need to be aware that, as soon as she will start school in the U.K., English will be I e her preferred language anyway.
It’s VERY hard to get a really bilingual child - unless you have the opportunity to spend months (like all Sumer hols etc…) in the other country where the child will have the opportunity to play with cousins etc….
dc1 is pretty much bilingual. Dc2 isn’t nearly as good…

But now they are both at Uni, they tell me that yes being properly bilingual is unusual. People usually sort of understand but speak badly. At best.

Having said all that, it has meant I was speaking my language to them all the time (OPOL simply to ensure they get as much contact with the language as possible). Stories alternating in my language one day and English the next. And a lot of ‘sorry I didn’t understand’ when they spoke to me in English rather than my mother tongue.

Fwiw if my dcs do have children themselves, I’m sure dc2 will speak to them in English (he isn’t secure enough in my language). I’m pretty sure dc1 would too despite acknowledging how good it is to be bilingual….
Your dh might well fall into that category. Speaking well that language bit it’s not ‘his’ language anymore iyswim

I speak 4 languages and all DC speak all four and my eldest kids have taken 2 of them for GCSE (the other 2 have no written forms). We speak all of them at home, they attend classes for the two with alphabets, and DH speaks his languages and English is our unifying language. So all DC speak about 7 languages fluently, 8 including English.

But what language it is is absolutely relevant. Eg Mandarin / Chinese / Japanese requires a totally different strategy to maintain fluency than Hindi or French.

Can you and daughter keep learning together? Why is it all on DH. He is happy to learn and use your language in UK so perhaps it becomes a family interest or mum daughter thing to learn his.

tbh I think that nature will take its course. Either your DD will maintain the language herself or she might choose to lose it. We moved country when I was a child and my DB who was bilingual lost the second language. I had not be anything like bilingual but I kept on learning because I had spent my very early years in the other country and didn't feel safe if I couldn't operate in both language. There are so many factors involved, and honestly, this is not going to be the most important thing in your DD's life. Probably best to just go with the flow.

I would suggest moving to one of the largest cities. I've copied the following from Bristol city Council website as an example.
"The population of Bristol is increasingly diverse with at least 45 religions, 185 countries of birth, 287 different ethnic groups and 90 main languages".

From personal experience of living and working in the city I have encountered people who speak Polish, French, Spanish, Portuguese, Italian, Greek, Romanian, Hungarian Ukrainian, Russian, Dutch, Somali Sudanese, Wolof, Swahili , Latvian Lithuanian, Czech. I also have family who speak Gaelic and Welsh .

Could you contact a local school and ask for primary school age learning resources and recommendations, then find a language-speaking private tutor after you move and use the resources gathered.
Also, frequent trips to the country. This could be a good opportunity to build a close relationship with your husband's parents. Get them involved in speaking to her more often. Could they do things like record stories for her to listen to?
I'm guessing this is a scandinavian language going by my own experience - all of my connections there speak such fluent english in all circumstances that they of insist on speaking english when I'm trying to learn and practice!

There was something on Radio 4 the other day about people moving country and worrying that they might lose their native language as they don’t get to use it regularly (I think the question was from someone who had moved to the UK as an adult and was worried that he’d lose his fluency).

The programme said that research shows that a child needs to be using the language for the first 12 years of his/her life for it to be embedded. As an example, children younger than 12 that are adopted by parents that use another language will lose their own language skills - they can be relearned but it’s like starting again.

OPOL, weekend French school, French cartoons and books is how we do it. DS is 4 and that's his father's language. We aren't in London and there's still a community of French where we are. Some other expat communities are also good at spinning up weekend schools for language and culture- Polish and Greek, for example.

I've seen your subsequent post. We are both 100% committed to sharing the citizenships and languages with our son. You need to get your husband on board if it's going to stick. For us, we feel it's the greatest gift we can give him (and hopefully offsets the lifelong tax liability one of my citizenships gives him..)

As you were looking for what you could do as the other parent: remind other parent when they default to English, remember to put on the cartoons in the second language, say simple sentences "the elephant has a big bum" and ask them to say it in their language, ask them what is happening in the cartoon and get them to explain it to you. It's a bit of context switching but seems to be working for us.

We are, however, holding off teaching French reading. He's very young and starting to read in English and we don't want to confuse him.

Your DH doesn't sound very committed to his DC speaking in his language, you say he always reverts to speaking English with them - so why does it bother you so much?

I wouldn't say it 'bothers me so much', I just think it's lovely that DD is currently fluent in both languages and can easily speak and engage with DH's family who adore her.
It's a big decision moving for the UK for all of us and I would like to help maintain the relationships she has and that connection to her heritage.
Is that wrong?

I would say I'm 100% committed and DH is about 60%.... I'm working hard on that though

Thank you for the tips. That's really helpful

Yes I've heard the same regarding the first 12 years.

I have a friend who moved to the UK from Spain at 7 years old and was fluent in Spanish at that time. She's in her 40's now and can speak very basic conversational at most and she always says how much she regrets not keeping her second language
I guess that's stuck in my head and is why I'm keen to give DD1 the best chance I can.

Actually that idea about a set hour a day and mealtimes etc is definitely achievable. Thank you

That is a great idea to contact a local school before we leave and we're definitely open to using a tutor.

Also will be speaking to family a lot more regularly so she has that interaction and planning lots of trips to visit! I love the idea about them recording stories..... they currently send little voice notes back and forwards so this is definitely something that could work. Thank you

I used to live abroad and attended a bilingual school. I was never totally fluent but I was pretty good. When I returned to the UK I lost it. It was Spanish but South American not European so whilst it was taught in schools I struggled because I was never conjugating verbs in South America, I was reading menus and chatting to friends and using it in my daily life. The pronunciation / syntax / vocabulary is different and my language teacher kept correcting me. I think the only way to keep it up is for your DH to speak to your child.

Thank you for your reply and yes that makes a lot of sense.
DD1 is currently fluent in the second language but I know how hard that will be to keep up given her current age and the change in our circumstances.
I hold very little hope that DD2 will ever learn it.

Even though bilingual, DD1's preference for English is very clear so I know that's going to be even more obvious once she starts at a British school.
DH is just as you describe, he rarely uses his native language at all now and definitely seems to see it as secondary to English.

Honestly I'm so grateful for all the advice so thank you to everyone who has commented.

I did have another chat with DH last night and he agreed that he will speak to both of our daughters in his native language when at home but then this morning nothing had changed whatsoever and I could hear them chatting away in English 🙈

Give me strength!! 😅

While PPs are right and OPOL is the easiest way, it doesn't always work for every family. We speak 3 languages at home. What was recommended for us, was being consistent how and when we use each language.

So think of the times and situations that you can commit to using the minority language (e.g every Saturday morning we watch cartoons in that language) and stay consistent.

I would also try and FaceTime your ILs as much as possible and visit often. Does she have any cousins that speak the same language?

Thank you, I do think that setting dedicated times and situations is something we could do.

DD1 is the first born grandchild on that side and only has one cousin aged 2....I hope in time they will build a good relationship and be able to chat to each other. We definitely plan to have regular facetimes with all my DH's side of the family and extended visits.