Advice needed for white parents of black African child

[peskykids]

Ok - I need your honest opinions (and from reading past posts I imagine that's just what I'll get!) Don't pull your punches and let me have it straight.

We're hoping to adopt a black African child, who we have been fostering since birth for 16 months. We've managed, finally, to get ourselves an adoption assessment, due to start some time over the next month.

Since he arrived we have been doing everything we can to 'gen up on' the history and culture of the places his parents came from but I just feel that it's still not enough. I feel like the assessment may set out to catch us out.

Anyone got any ideas, or advice, for me? Is anyone reading this black who has been raised in a white family? Or raising a child transracially? (ugly term, I know) What was your experience? What are the real pitfalls?

I have done lots of research, and read lots of stuff, so I'm aware of the issues but I just feel I can't possibly get enough advice or opinion on this...

So come on - get posting!

Well said Issymum. I think you are a very sensible, thoughtful woman. We say that inter-racial adoption is not the ideal, but since when has adoption been the ideal. In an ideal world we would all be able to have children, and children would be with their parents. But it's not an ideal world. I love the thoughts and arguments that you put forward and will not hesitate to quote you. You have articulated so many things that I have thought. My dh and I have been so blessed because we have our children. If we had the space and the money then we would adopt and foster. I don't think that you need worry that the issues are that different for Afro-Carribbean, African children. (Anyone can be pedantic and say that bits and pieces are different). The issues are the same, the rest is just the geography. I think that non-white children in this country will face racism. It is a fact, not a comfortable one, but a fact. I know this as a black woman and as a mother of mixed race (dual heritage, call them what you will) children. We can only pray that the world changes and that this ceases to be an issue, but it seems to me that if we were all the same shade of grey and standing naked in a room we'd still find differences and sadly discriminate against one another. I'm not a natural pessimist. I think that the words of wisdom that you have shared Issymum are wonderful. With more people like you the world can change. Peskykids, as before you have my prayers. If necessary play the social workers game, just know what it is that you want and would do. Bring your children up to love themselves and others. Then the battle's won.

ok then, I disagree

I am finding all of this fascinating. Although I am not mixed race (in a visible sense), I identify with many of the relevant issues and am culturally of mixed race. My mother was a jewish catholic italian brought up in africa. My dad's jewish american. Growing up (in berkeley, ca which surely counts as another planet) I went to very mixed state schools and was funking to Parliament long before I knew who the rolling stones were. I often find myself identifying culturally with people who don't necessarily look like me, which makes issymum's comments really ring true to me. (sorry, i'm sure you'll find someone to disagree). When I spent time in china I felt far more at home culturally with the chinese than I ever have with the average english person even though in theory we are from the same race. Soooo, I think all children need parents and it really doesn't matter what colourracereligion they are, as long as they love and cherish them.

Issymum and Marslady - couldn't you stand for jobshare Prime Minister? I feel yours is the thinking that should be leading us this century!

Sometimes I feel I disagree - and I'm on the other side!!

I do see the 'logic' in the 'black kids need black role models', and 'a child's heritage is important' arguments. It's just I don't agree that you can't be white (in the black / white scenario I have) and achieve this for your black child. Yes, it's presumably easier to address 'black issues', such as preparing to encounter racism, if you have experienced it.

But is it any different to preparing a boy for adult male-dom as a single mum? Any thoughts?

I also get very irate at the presumption that there seems to be an 'authentic' way to be black and to look outside that box means you don't appreciate your heritage. I'm french, as is my mum, but it doesn't mean we eat french food, or listen to accordians, all day long. She's just as partial to a bit of Tesco pre-pack as anyone else!

I really liked the previous post, which totally illustrates how people cannot be put into boxes as to what they should expect from 'their' culture. You choose your culture - whether you dig Funkadelic, Mozart, or Johnny Cash - it's your choice. Yes, parental influence plays a role, as do your peers and your environment. But what shouldn't is the circumstances of your birth, which seems to be how adoption works?

"I also get very irate at the presumption that there seems to be an 'authentic' way to be black and to look outside that box means you don't appreciate your heritage."

Halleluja! Thank you for that Peskymum! As a black woman who has never conformed to the "authentic" way to be black, I have suffered a lot of bullying (at school) and derogatory comments from other black people, especially women. For some reason, it is a crime to be yourself! They seem to forget that racism is not just white on black but can be black on white or even black on black (e.g why do R&B artists think it is OK to call each other "Nigga").

I think one of the most important issues that white people who want to adopt black children have to recognise is that racism does exist and that black people, like it or not, are judged initially by many white people, by the colour of their skin.

Once, when I was an undergraduate at university, I turned up early to class so went to the canteen to wait. As I approached the door, a white woman walking towards me said "You're late!". I looked around and realised that she was talking to me. She said it again and I just looked at her. I said that I was a student and she then blurted out, "Oh, sorry, I thought you were one of the cleaners!" This, despite the fact that I was carrying books but she did not see that. All she saw was a black woman and in her mind, that equated to cleaner.

Peskymum, I think that as long as you appreciate and prepare for the racial issues that your child will no doubt face, then you should go ahead. I know that you will be an excellent mother.

Ah blu...

I loved your posts MarsLady and Issymum. I don't know how to put this in words but I'm the mother of a "bicultural" child and the subject of racism always crosses my mind. DH is Spanisn, I'm Mexican and even though we could well belong to the same family, as soon as I open my mouth I let the world know where am I from, and... I have had many experiences similar to what Uhu describes. Mind you, I'm very proud of my heritage, and so is DH of his, but now we are living in England all the boundaries seem to be blurring. I'm not the traditional mexican anymore, nor does DH is the traditional spanish (if there's such a thing) and even though one of our priorities is to teach DS both (or the three) languages I don't see him being the typical mexican child or the spanish one. If living in Spain the other children will know him as the Mexican, if moving back to Mexico he will be the Spanish. And I would only like that he would be able to be known for what he is rather than for his cultural background 'label', but how possible that would be I don't have a clue. But going back to what I have been said here... I would raise him aware of his roots but with the aim than before being a mexican or a spanish, he is a child of the environment he is growing in, and I should not force him in any other direction. I do also think that a strong dose of nationalism is one of the worst gifts you can make to a child.

Have I overdone myself and killed this thread?

Just nipping in to this thread to add my two penn'orth - you can have a genuine, biological heritage which you're in many ways excluded from because of your looks/colour. I'm incredibly white. I was brought up to identify as Asian, because my mum is. God knows where I'd have been put up for adoption - I often wonder. It's all a lot more complicated than it can be made out to be, dammit.

I think Chandra has hit our nail rather succinctly on the head! You are indeed a product of your environment. The problem for us is that this is a black African child growing up in a predominantly white European environment. Should this matter? And what can we do to ameliorate what some people would regard as an erosion of the child's birthright.

The thorny issues that Issymum so well elaborated on, around what is the child's culture once they are out of their birth culture (although our child has been with us since 12 hrs old! So I guess we're talking about his mum's culture...) are the ones where there's no clear cut right or wrong.

Can you replicate the 'birth' culture, or what you perceive to be the birth culture? How does this work if, for example (and this is not my child), the child is the product of a war torn country like Somalia where mum was kidnapped and raped? What culture does that child have by birth?

My favourite example of the logical conclusion of 'we must match birth culture' would be one where a child is being removed from a familly with a history of physical violence. Are the social workers going to match that very real culture, not notional, of one where violence is an accepted norm and part of expected and anticipated behaviour. Of course not.

The problem is that people ascribe all sorts of things to 'culture' when they really mean 'race'. 'Culture' is what you grow up with and later choose to join / replace / modify etc. 'Race' is a merely biological feature, as is 'female'. 'Race' or 'female' doesn't actually mean anything other than the way you look. (I can see some controversy brewing here surely?!) Yes, there are people ignorant enough to make all sorts of assumptions of someone based on their race or the way they look, but they are WRONG! There, now I've said it!

My opinion, and it's hugely biased but well researched at least! is that your culture is your choice. It's up to parents to show children the many possibilities open to them in life, and encourage and nurture them to succeed in whatever way the child sees fit. As white parents of a black child we need to prepare them, and ourselves, for the way some elements of society may view us and respond to us as a family and individuals. We also need to ensure the child has access to a peer group, and role models, and has the confidence to access all the opportunities available to them.

I guess I thought I might find support from people in this topic, but I am blown away by the fact that there are so many other people who think along the same lines as us. We have been made to feel by Social Services that we are naiive, unsuitable, problematic, denying our child their birthright, storing up a huge issue for the child when they are older etc... Your support and the freedom to explore the issues around transracial parenting (double yeurch) is enormously appreciated. And I re-iterate that all views are welcome here as I need to be aware of all the issues from all views, and I promise to give consideration of all views contrary to mine!

I was just talking a few minutes ago about this with a friend. I met a woman a few years ago who was raised in Venezuela as an Italian, all her grandparents were Italian but both his parents and her were born in Venezuela, she had never been to Italy nor had her parents, but she had been inmersed in a rather unhealthy proudness of being Italian: Only attended Italian schools and only related to other Italian descendants. However, for the way she looked you would have never guessed she was Italian, she looked like a Venezuelan (or standard latinamerican -don't know what is it but we always manage to identify each other), had a perfect venezuelan accent and a lot of venezuelan expressions, however...she strongly denied being venezuelan, she was always proclaiming to the world that she was italian.

I met her at a meeting of latin american students were the only two Europeans were DH and a friend's boy friend (Italian) and we found it rather strange that she came straight to our table and said: "Nice to meet you, I'm so pleased I'm European", then followed saying "I'm Italian" as if they had so many things in common for the only reason of having the same racial background. She was always being smug about having a European passport until one day DH told her "so, what's so important about it? I have had one all my life and I never realised there was anything special about having one".

Talking about this story to another friend who is from Green Cape, he mentioned that his parents raised him in America with a lot of proudness about his roots, so when he was old enough to travel on his own he went back to Green Cape to go back to his origins, to be part of the culture to which he had always belonged, only to find out that the people in Green Cape didn't reconise him as a brother but rather rejected him as a foreigner. For them he was American.

So, the point is, I think it's good to teach the origins but it's bad to be so passionate about them. However, as somebody else has said, let social services hear what they want to hear, the main aim is to keep a child that you already love as your own, not convince them that they may be not completely right.

Great post Chandra - thanks!

Did anyone see the BBC programme 'Who do you think you are' with celebs tracing their roots. It was Moira Stewart yesterday, who is Black British with a parent from Domenica and the other from Barbados.

Like many (all?) with heritage in the Caribbean, she found the expected slavery link but she was really shocked to find that several generations ago one of her ancestors was probably the result of a liaision (i use the term loosely - when people atre treated as chattel liasion seems unlikely) with the white slave owners which is why he got such a great education which trickled down throughout her family (being doctors, lawyers etc) She was obviously really upset by this and you could see that it hit at the foundations of her identity. You could also see that she might struggle to come to terms with her white heritage.

That's the sort of thing I worry about in our scenario - that the child grows up fantastically happy and well adjusted but at some point has a rather large hiccup about their identity and heritage. Now I know lots of, if not most, adopted adults will face those issues at some point. The question is whether we will have done the child damage by raising him in a white family...

The link for the show is here - can't do it cleverly I'm afraid... (and I'm supposed to be doing the family accounts, not gassing on mumsnet! )

www.bbc.co.uk/history/familyhistory/wdytya_celeb_gallery_06.shtml

Me again. I am probably naive in my thinking but what possible harm can be done to your children (transracially adopted etc) if what you are doing is loving them? You see I understand the issue about culture vs race. I understand about the pressures of racism overt and implied. What matters to me is that the children who are adopted are loved unconditionally and are taught to love unconditionally. As long as you are not in anyway denying where they have come from then surely there is nothing else to do. Celebrate the best bits of their culture with them whilst celebrating the best bits of yours. We all have things to be proud of and ashamed of in our cultures. Better that these children are loved than forgotten. The percentage of black, mixed race children in care is incredible. There aren't enough black, mixed race families able to take them. If we had more space we would foster and adopt as many as we could. We can't and that fact breaks my heart (even with the 5 that we have of our own). I keep saying it, but I would rather a child were in a home where they were loved than languishing in care. So, forget what others are saying. Remember to use the correct buzzwords for the ss. But more importantly, love your child. Sermon over

You can be relied upon to make the world a better place marslady. Thank you.

I agree with that

Okay, stop it now girls. I'm on my way to number 10 to tell Tony to move over, I'm moving in lol

I've just been sent a pdf document "A White Side of Black Britain: the concept of racial literacy" - A study of white couples who adopted black children, which counters the prevailing view that same race placements are preferable.

Please CAT me if you'd like me to email it to you.

pesky kids- there is an organisation called norcap (you may already be aware of them) who are specifically for transracial adoptees.

Thanks Pedilia - will look into.

Zinger, I already have the article thanks. It's actually about how white birth parents of mixed race kids ensure that their black identity is promoted. But the issues explored in it are just as relevant to my situation. I'd recommend it to anyone interested in issues of race, and I love the idea of being 'racially literate'. I think it's a really nice phrase.