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Multicultural families

Here's where to share your experience of raising a child or growing up in a multicultural family.

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Original poster

How do I tell them that what they're saying is upsetting me?

37 replies

bristols · 25/05/2007 21:38

"His skin is much lighter than I expected."

Someone said this to me today about my nine month old DS.

This has happened quite a few times since DS was born and it's starting to bother me now. He is very fair and his hair is dark brown. I am white and my husband is asian. I really don't know how to handle it. I don't want to make people feel awkward as I'm sure that they mean no malice. They are just unthinking, or naive.

I feel that these people wouldn't make a comment such as "She's less ginger than I expected," to a red haired mother. Or even "He's much thinner than I expected," to an overweight parent. Why do they feel it's OK to say it to me?

What worries me is that DS is going to get similar comments throughout his life. I hate the thought of that.

Please help me with what to say to these people.

OP posts:

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hippmummy · 04/06/2007 20:50

It's because people have this classic stereotypical image of a mixed race child as being 'coffee coloured'. A straight 50/50 blend of both parents skin colour. It is ridiculous when you think about it because no-one would expect a childs eyes or hair to be a 50/50 mixture of each parent!

My 2 boys are mixed race (black/white) and look completely different! One has olive skin, brown eyes and straight hair, One has very pale skin and blue eyes and curly light hair (he looks white!). I never find comments about their colouring offensive because (thankfully)they've never been meant offensively - people are just curious.

noonar · 04/06/2007 20:53

how's this for a very un PC little anecdote? my dad is moroccan and my mum is very blonde. when my elder brother was born, he was v dark and had narrow eyes (as new borns do!)....any way my mum, honestly thought that he was chinese and NOT her baby at all. she was quite worried about it for a while

by the way, i'm very freckly with dark curly hair (dad has afro hair) and so is little brother. we look mediterranean.big brother has a much more arab apperance. interesting, really.

hippmummy · 04/06/2007 20:53

spudmasher - that would have made me really angry. Rude cow!

potoroo · 04/06/2007 21:14

Bristols, my DS is mixed race (white/Chinese) and to be honest when he was born I did think that his skin was lighter than I expected - so I don't take offence at people commenting on his looks (mostly they say how beautiful he is). I honestly don't think people mean it as anything other than interest.

But I do worry about him experiencing racist comments as we live in a predominantly white area.... but we'll see...

RedtartanLass · 04/06/2007 21:37

Britols, I'm with most of the other posters, it is just the usual comments about babies. My 2LOs are mixed race and are like mirror images, one dark/olive skinned with brown eyes, the other much fairer with my peely wally skin, with blue eyes. People often comment on them.

In fact when ds2 was born, if I hadn't seen it my own eyes, I wouldn't believe he was my son!! He does not look like me at all!!!

3littlefrogs · 04/06/2007 23:33

I spent the first year or 2 of ds1's life being asked if I was his nanny. On being assured that he was indeed my son, people would stare at me and assure me that he looked nothing like me. (These were often total strangers). It was a bit demoralising TBH. He still doesn't look much like me - but he is very handsome.

jetjets · 07/06/2007 22:10

Message withdrawn

LynetteScavo · 07/06/2007 22:17

People just don't think before they speak. I've had quite a few quips about the milkman, as DS2 is blond with blue eyes. (DH and I both have dark hair and green eyes) I'm actually quite uncomfortable about such remarks, but I don't think people mean to be offensive. They're just thoughtless.

nishana · 12/07/2007 23:02

Wow- I'm beginning to feel a little apprehensive after hearing all this. I'm south asian and my DH is white english- my DS is quite brown from sun and w brown hair and my baby is very still v pink w brown hair. My older one has not yet asked about colour (he's 3) and I'm hoping that living in london he won't get around to it for a while, but being mixed race is tough. I have a feeling that you need to choose one identity and maybe you end up being not in either place. Do you think that's true? I dread school and where it's all goig to go. Am I being paranoid?

mumsville · 14/07/2007 22:39

Nishana - I've been through what you're worried about - and I'm almost 40 years old. Nothing has changed over the years.

Why is it that when people are half this half that people expect you to look half. I get the classic are you sure you're English - you don't look it are you Spanish, Italian, N. African, Greek, Turkish etc. Then when I tell them I'm half Indian they think they're the first person to say - but you don't look Indian. Oh what a revalation! The classic was I didn't have 'almond shaped Indian eyes' - no doubt because my Indian mum doesn't have 'em either!

What am I supposed to look like. If I don't look particularly English, why should I look particularly Indian fgs!

Luckily, I was born during a time of innocence and my parents didn't bring up ethncity or race - possibly as multiculturalism wasn't around back then. I think it's a bigger deal now.

However, I never thought anyone was being racist. Babies change - blimey, I looked like a british bulldog when I was born then at the age of three got black hair and quite dark skin. Skin over the last 10 years has got lighter (all that stress!).

However, in all honesty I was not expecting me son to have literally no skin pigmentation and light hair when he was born given my mix and dp being latin - but there you go. The only give away is that ds has as my mum's eyes - jet black - but not almond shaped!!!

Don't worry about a thing! I doubt very much people are being nasty - just enjoy your ds.

claireybee · 24/08/2007 16:50

When my MIL came over to visit when dd was 2months old she kept looking at dd and saying "lekgoa"(white/western person) in an amazed voice. Now dd is quite pale but she is the spitting image of dh, and neither he or his siblings are particularly dark, in fact mil herself has more mixed race colouring than black (despite being 100% black). i didn't really mind but i just wondered what she was expecting!
My nan also made me laugh when she was holding dd one day and said "She's very pretty", i said "yes, and she has got a bit darker since she was born hasnt she" to which my nan replied "oh no dear, she's lovely" as if being dark meant she couldn't also be pretty!

anisha · 26/08/2007 17:25

Nishana - I am in a mixed relationship and your right it can hard to decide what culture/religion (if any) your children follow, I believe if you have the support of your families then it is easier. Try not to worry as you start to figure things out as they get older, mine are aged 8 and 6.

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