Circumcision

[Alice1209]

Hi

My partner is Nigerian and I'm white British. I am currently 34 weeks pregnant with a son and my partner literally brought up the conversation of circumcision with me by asking where it can be done, if it is done on NHS or privately etc without any discussion. I understood this was a cultural practice in his home country and that it would be a likely conversation but the way he has brought it up has made me unhappy. I asked him why he wants to do it and he said it is better for his health. I have researched it and I understand there does appear to be some health benefits to it. But my biggest issue is that I am putting my son under an unnecessary operation but apparently that's not valid enough reason. I don't feel particularly strongly about it but at the same time I'm pretty angry I wasn't asked for my opinion on it. My son will also be christened which is not something I would have personally done but I know it's important to my partner. Unfortunately, being an atheist it feels like I have to succumb to religious and cultural beliefs because he feels they are more important to him than my non-belief. I find it difficult to argue my case most of the time. Help?!

There is absolutely no good reason to do this unless it is medically required.
There is not a hope in hell that I would agree to it.

Op i take it your main issue is the way circumcision Has been talked about rather than the procedure itself,so that's what you need to tackle to prevent any future grief. You need to talk to your husband and tell him that any decisions regarding your son,need to be talked about and jointly approved. Nothing is a given,and everything is up for (rational)discussion and debate.
As,for the procedure,wait to discuss it after you've had your baby. No amount of talk,research and preparation will matter once you hold that little baby in your arms and how you feel about his body,safety etc, especially since you have no strong religious or cultural ties to this kind of things x

if youre going to get it done, get it done as soon as possible as it is much less traumatic as a small baby. My friend put it off with her first two boys and they got it done at 8 and 6 and that was not nice for them, but she got the baby done at a few weeks old and apart from crying a little more on the first day, it was completely non-traumatic

It does have a benefit
HIV risk reduction

I've never been a religious person but I wanted my sons to have faith that I missed out on
Religion and faith isn't something you miss out on, it's a choice that anyone can make at any point in your life.

But the telling what to do over 2 very big issues is not ok.
And you're not married? Actually in this case, as he's obviously quite opinionated that's not a bad thing.

The majority of men in the UK are not circumcised and the majority of men who are not circumcised will have no problems.
If you don't have your son circumcised do not try to retract the foreskin to clean under it, it is naturally supposed to be tight / adhered in infants and releases as they grow older. You clean a penis like a finger. You give it a wipe over. When your son is older and discovers his penis he will retract the foreskin when it is able to retract. Retracting it early by force can cause trauma and scar tissues leading to tightness that leads to circumcision being needed, when leaving it alone leads to normal development and a healthy foreskin and penis.
I have a son and I can't imagine having him circumcised unless medically needed, and of the five men I've have sex with, bone have been circumcised and none have had any problems.

Regarding HIV risk reduction, you know what DEFINITELY does reduce the risk of HIV? Condoms.

Read that article posted by Apocalypse very carefully. You may instead wish to encourage good hygiene and the usecond of condoms, both of which carry no risk, are far less traumatic, support body autonomy and are far more beneficial than cutting the foreskin off a baby.

SirChenjin the hiv prevention advantage is real but I agree, complicated and yy to condoms. It's telling that there's quite a coronation between lower HIV rates and circumcision in Africa though.
But OP, the details are less important than the fact that your partner is insisting on two things you're ambivalent about.

My husband is Nigerian and we have had the same discussion. I'm currently pregnant with DC2 don't yet know if it's a boy or a girl but I have told him there is no way on earth if it's a boy he will be circumcised. I know it's the custom there but it's not here.
Whilst I respect his culture and do all I can to ensure our DD learns about It, it doesn't mean I will wilfully mutilate my child. We have clashed in the past a bit (well more so with MIL) about different things (namely why I didn't pierce my daughters ears at 3 months old) which he did back me up on, but he is intelligent enough to realise we are both from different cultures and both have different outlooks.

This isn't Africa though - and with access to good hygiene in the form of soap and water, and condoms, the 'it's shown to have some benefits' argument is moot.

Thanks very much for all your messages guys. Much appreciated. I completely agree I don't think it's my place to make a decision like that about my son. I've researched enough. I did bring up the point about making decisions behind my back and he said he wouldn't make a decision like that without me. I'm just not looking forward to the discussion again. Do you only need permission from one parent for the record? As for the christening I am not bothered at all, my child can make his own mind up what he wishes to do in future. My point was more that he has made decisions without asking me how I feel just because I don't have strong religious or cultural opinions on things. Rather unfair but wish me luck!

he said he wouldn't make a decision like that without me

That's just some more crap he's talking - he's just telling you what you want to hear so you will go along with his plans - until the next time.

He's made it clear that he doesn't respect your views - just because you don't pretend to belong to a religion.
He doesn't have any respect for his own culture/religion as he doesn't follow it - he just wants to mutilate his baby son so he can carry on playing the role of Mr 'I Am He Who Must Be Obeyed'.

He isn't asking you at all and has no intentions to
He's using his culture and 'religion' as a means of asserting his authority over you
He will always use the excuse of culture and religion - and just like he's doing now, he will pretend he's 'asking' you when really he's dictating.

If you let him use this excuse to have is own way, then you are setting a precedent.
HE does not practice his own religion - and in this country we have different cultural norms.

One way to stop FGM is to refuse to accept circumcision under any circumstance unless medically needed.
And boys are no different to girls - they also need that same protection.

Hi Alice, you need permission from both parents.

IV had 3 boys and 2 girls
All my boys have been circumcised.

If people have strong beliefs that its the right thing to do, I don't see the problem.

It's not cruel and has been proven that it is more hygienic.

My boys have had no trouble with being circumcised but I did my research and paid alot of money privately to make sure the process was done properly.
(Not a back street clinic where this can performed)

Al 3 boys did not suffer with any pain after the operation and were perfectly fine.

It's better to do it at an early age from 8+ weeks

hmmm Son generally follows the culture of his mum. Mother has more of a say about circumcision when push comes to shove and you have a legal battle. The child should have the ultimate say but needs parents to act appropriately on its behalf. Circumcision is child abuse. No need to do it.