How to explain to my partner that I can't / don't want to live with his parents?

[quietus]

Hello,
My partner is Pakistani and we have a beautiful two-year old son. We have no bigger issues except that he is the oldest son and he feels responsible for his parents. This means that he wants us, and excepts from me, to live with his parents. He is just about to bring them to Britain.
On many occassions I have tried to talk to him and explain him why I can't live with them. I tried to explain him that I can't even live with my family and would not expect from him to live with them either. It is really nothing personal, but it is just how I am and how I was raised. I am also very independent and I don't have to rely on him financially.

This is getting sometimes so bad and I am so depressed. We have even talked about separation, but then I worry that he will go for the custody over child.
I suggested that he should talk to them and explain them the situation, but he doesn't even want to hear about it, because they allegedly wouldn't understand, and this is how they were brought up. I don't agree with this because they are both reasonable people, and personally I really have nothing against them. What hurts me the most is that they don't know what is happening between us, and how much this issue makes our relationship to deterriorate! Because of his attitude I fear I am developing a really strong hatred towards them, and even though this is not right, I can't help myself! Even when I think of them coming I get a very visible skin reaction. :(

How do I approach this issue? We have had some other issues as well, but we have sorted them out successfully.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!

This is a very difficult one to approach, as it is down to cultural differences.
Your partner believes it is your and his duty to his parents, while you feel different.
I don't think you will get anything out of talking to his parents, as culturally it is expected that the eldest chid looks after the parents. Therefore, whatever you say will be taken offensively.

It looks like it will be a case of you or them!
You have talked to your partner and he cannot see your side, so I think you now need to think about what you can live with!!!
The choices seem to be either the parents live with you or you separate, as your partner seems to think the issue of his parents is only his decision.
Both paths are difficult, but sometimes we have to make a decision what is best for us!!!

Good Luck

Dear all,
Thanks so much for taking your time to provide advice, help and support through this daunting issue. I wish I could all take you for coffee and discuss other more joyful things. :) I really appreciate your help as I have nobody to turn to.
I will definitely try betteroncamel's option a/ and b/ when I start discussing these issues with him. I have already used these options in one of our discussions, and I think he is aware that moving them away from their social structures is detrimental for everybody. As laptopwieldingharpy (what a nickname!) rightly noticed, we do not have solid grounding in their community. Actually, he never wanted to live within his own community and I also felt on many different occassions that his "community" didn't know what to do with me. I remember an awkward Eid evening, when I was left all alone in the room as his friends' wives didn't know what to do with me. He is very much aware of it and we took it as a sign that these people are normally not "exposed" to other "communities" and they really don't know how to approach others.
On the other side, he also feels that it is very difficult to socialise with "white population." My friends like him and treat him as a friend, but he doesn't seem to be able to develop his own friendship. Laptopwieldingharpy, I am also from a mediterranean country, and I know what you mean. I am all up for helping the elders, but not in this way.

I am married to a Muslim guy and can completely understand so much of what you say just after i had my daughter we lived literally doors away and that was bad enough i got very very depressed with everything that went on and how i was judged and how they tried to control and dictate to me that i could no longer live there. I can really relate to what you say but there is no easy solution to this he is in the middle as he has grown up to believe and do things a certain way and you cant change that no matter how much either of you would like to. here if you ever want to chat x

I am also married to a S. Asian eldest son.

We had lots of interfering and frankly I considered divorce every single day. I also have a med background and they still make comments to which I reply "yes, but I am not Bengali" or "where I come from".

My parents lived with us for about three months and I didn't like that even and I love them to bits.

It sound like he isn't going to budge and you are convinced that it isn't sonething you can get on board with. Why are you worried about custody? Has he said he will take your DC? When we were having our difficulties DH threatened to fight me which was why I didn't leave, we have worked through and come out the other side to the point that if we ever did split he knows they would stay with me.

Would you be able to have an amicable split?

I am the product of a mixed marriage and obviously now in one and you can come out the other side but it is hard, but my friends is same culture marriages have had either the same or other equally difficult issues so it isn't about sticking to your kind.

Could you talk to him about how you intend to live your life if they did come to live with you?

E.g. I would make it very clear that any food I cooked would be what I would usually cook, DC and I will be following out usual routine etc. I.e they come but other than in the most basic form of we have to live together, eat etc and be nice to each other but that I wouldn't be fulfilling the entire remit of Dil remit.

And for him to explain to them that I am not Pakistani etc so things may run a little differently.

I can understand your frustration at not being able to speak to them but I agree with an earlier poster - this will be perceieved as being very hostile if you were to take it upon yourself to speak with them. Their culture, their way of looking at things is very different to yours and that does not mean it is the wrong or right way but just different.

It also seems that your husband seems to be quite indifferent to your feelings about this but, though this may not help, it is something you should have discussed as I have seen with a lot of Asian families that a son has to look after his parents after a certain age - it may be a taboo to ask them to live somewhere else in his culture.

I suggest living with them for a while, it might not be bad once they are settled and more familiar with you and the country and if it really does nt work out then you can think about other options.

"Is there really no way you could give it a go? Can you not set up house so that there are separate areas so you can be alone when you need to be?

You may find having these people closer to you, in your life is hugely rewarding. Your child will have grandparents on call to show love and teach him / her things.

If you have truly nothing against these people I think you need to consider overcoming your cultural expectations and see if you cannot find a way of moving forward in a way that keeps your small (and larger) family together.

(I am sorry not to be suggesting arguments against it - I'm sure someone will come along more able to do this....)"

OMG- what it this shite?

My parents are mixed asian and english and I'm middle aged. Back then things could work when were were a truly multicultural country, but weree not now. Who in their right mind would tell this op to shut up, lie down and submit?

It won't work, you know that - don't do it under any circumstances.

It doesn't sound like he is being in any way accommodating to what is usual in your culture or indeed the country in which you have chosen to bring up your family.

My in laws are Indian/Hindu and very Western - so there would be no question of any old fashioned living with them situation - and I am eternally grateful for that, because I would rather disembowel myself than live with them

I'm really sorry quietus, but I don't think your partner is going to compromise one inch. It's tragic for your son, but since it's a dealbreaker for you I think you'll probably have to separate.

Honestly - I think that if they move locally to you, you will be expected to run around after them and it'll only get worse as they get older. Will they be open to forming new friendships or expect you and DH and DS to entertain them, do their shopping, accompany them to places... Also I think the typical misogynistic expectations nonsense of DILs will surface with you having your actions analysed, you'll have no privacy at all, not even private conversations .

I'd go for the argument that it's too much of a culture shock for them to integrate at their age, backed up by its a deal braker for you, so that it's not being discussed again and again.

It's not just cultural you said he's Pakistani so most of them are largely muslim whether religious or not this aspect comes into play because caring for ones parents is up there with attaining paradise. To ppl of no faith this may sound bonkers but there is a saying that paradise lies beneath the feet of your mother and then father. Placing parents in an old people's home is not an option unless specialist care is required.

But there is nothing saying he has to live with parents. wife and kids are entitled to a private home of their own this is the wife's right. Moreover if the parents have no disabilities and can care for themselves they should be independentif it comes to parents and wife the marriage should not be put in jeopardy when the parents can clearly lol after themselves.

The have lives all their life in Pakistan it would be better for them happiness wise to stay there. They will never adjust to the culture and life here. My mother in law not Pakistani but south Asian says she does not like the fact she can't walk wherever she wants. Back in her homeland she could walk from village to village in safety.here everything requires transport.

personally i didn't want to look after mother in law but did it to please husband. She's a widow and has never been independent due to mental health issues, so i thought she really needed looking after. she doesn't boss me around she just needs to be fed and told when to do things as she often forgets. but your in laws sound able bodied i think they shold get a house near you many Pakistani families have relations living near the, often buy half the street bless um lol. have you suggested this?

OP have you asked DH if he expects your DS to follow this tradition?

OP, I notice that your refer him as partner, not husband. Is there any reason for you not getting married? Is 'nt that expected in SE Asian families? Has that caused any tension with your ILs/wider community?

When you described your DP's friends "not knowing what to do with you", was that because you're from a different culture, or was it you're unmarried status?

I know this post isn't giving you advice, I was just curious from your OP.

Urgh, too many spelling and grammar mistakes to correct.

I live with my in-laws: my DH is Indian and a Sikh. But its a different situation as my in-laws have always been very helpful and kind, its my DH who causes problems! I don't really have much advice on how to stop them from moving in but I can help with how to get along with them better. How religious are they? If your MIL is religious why don't you offer to go to a local womens' day organised by the local mosque? The responsibility of an eldest son is very heavy (my DH is also the eldest son) and different to the relationship westeners have with their parents. Did your in-laws pressure your DH into a certain career when he was younger? How much influence have they had on his life? This is a very difficult situation for your DH, but a very difficult one for you too . How helpful are your in-laws with looking after your child? Maybe you could come to an arrangement where your in-laws take care of DC in the evening and cook? My in-laws are a huge part of DD's life and, to be honest, probably spend more time with DD than I do. My MIL enjoys cooking for us all every night too. I guess what I'm trying to say but can't quite articulate is that if they must move in with you it really is best to try to get an arrangement going so them living with you will benefit you rather than being a hindrance. It is unlikely your DH will back down- I've had blazing rows with my DH over the sacrifices I've made to raise DD whilst he pursued his dream of becoming a doctor (pressure from family did also force this as FIL is a doctor so it was thought that DH must carry on the tradition). Family pressure/cultural ties will nearly always wine, you just have to compromise to make the relationship work. Please feel free to PM if you need advice/somebody to talk to x

As you've had experience of your IL's staying over, I can tell you now they will arrive and expect you to wait on them hand and foot, you MIL will cause arguments by complaining about you to your H, he will take their side.

I've had experience of living with the outlaws (ex now thankfully), and if you H is only listening to his parents (which yours seems to), then you've no hope whatsoever especially as the IL's expect you to dance attendance to them.

In the Indian subcontinent, most IL's regard having a daughter in law akin to having a personal slave. I'm Indian and I've seen it time and time again, you do get nice people but the prevalent attitude it they've acquired a skivvy. Your IL's from your description appear to be that kind.

I'm sorry I have no constructive advice.

your dh sounds very rigid on this and unkind in the way he speaks to you or indeed bypasses you in all of this and you are entirely sure that this lifestyle is not for you, so I think this cannot work. I have no experience of your dh's culture so I can't comment on whether you should approach his parents or how this should be done.

I think you should seriously look into moving out and setting up home on your own with ds. This does not mean that you have to do it, but sort out all the details so that you can go if you need to in a fairly hassle free manner.

I doubt very much that he would get custody of your ds but get legal advice on this. If you are not married that is a good thing in that moving out and setting up on your own is relatively straight forward.

I can't consider your emotional attachment to this man because I am not involved but looking at it from the outside, I think you need to take practical steps to separate. Good luck.

your question in the title is how you explain to your dp that you can't/won't live with his parents. Well, I think you have already done that. He does know and understand this but overrides it and, as he says, it is his flat and therefore he makes the decisions. I think no matter how you explain things to him, it will make no difference. The problem is not that you haven't explained it, the problem is that he has already decided on this and doesn't feel you have a say in it.

I really think it is a dead end for you, sorry.

Bless ya! I understand where you're coming from-and you're NOT being racist. This is a huge culture clash and it really pisses me off that asian men don't discuss this when they commit to someone from a different culture. I know how tyou feel and i would feel exactly the same-and i'm asian by the way!! :-D

Language is the main barrier and unless both sides are prepared to learn each others language then no amount of him translating will realky work. There are some things he will point blank refuse to tell them. Little things become huge issues-like having to 'cover up' in their presence. I don't think twice about wearing a strappy vest or a skirt,figure hugging clothes or baring my arms/legs etc but wouldn't in frontvof my parents. It is seen as disrespectful and shameful.

Let us know if you're still having issues and i'll do my best to help :-)

Good luck!

I'm in a similar situation, I live with my in-laws (Nigerian) and I've never experienced such a culture difference in my life. My DH changes around them too but I understand as it's in his culture to respect his elders.

I hate living here as much as anyone else from a different culture would but I married DH fully knowing that he is from a different culture that places the respect of their elders as very important. it has been hard as I expected him to fight my corner, but what was I really asking him to do? Disregard his responsibilities as their son? disrespect his parents? what kind of a person would do that? it's really unfair, because if it was the other way around, would I like it if I was to listen to my husband talk about my parents like that. I'd obviously say 'well you married me knowing so why make an issue of it now?'

I have Pakistani friends and they really value the family unit and their elders. Especially the sons. it's seen as their duty to look after their parents, why would you want to come in between a son and his duty to his parents? I completely understand how you are feeling, like I mentioned above, I live with mine and it's bloody hard work bending my knees at each greeting etc. And at times I lose it with DH over it but I always apologize because it is his culture and I did marry him with my eyes wide open.

Maybe give it a chance for a few months. they may hate it here and want to go back, you never know. The grass is always greener. Maybe have separate areas in your house? or have a condition where you are allowed to take a break as often as needed?

Very interesting thread. I wonder what happened in the end.

Hi , i am in a similar situation . Not sure if you are still here but i would love to know what happened with u ?

It's over.

Your husband is displaying completely normal and routine behaviour for his culture, as are his parents. There will be no changing them. You didn't think about this very much when you got together, which is unfortunate.

They appear to be on the conservative end of the Pakistani cultural spectrum; shame, because actually there is a lot of variety, from the sophisticated, cosmopolitan, cultured elites of the big cities, to the tribally-inflected medieval traditionalism of the countryside, for instance Mirpur.

The best way forward is to navigate a minimum drama divorce. Go for custody of your child. You may find this easier than expected. Your MIL/FIL are probably indifferent to your son, viewing him as an embarrassing aberration. As for you, I expect that they will have some opinions that could strip paint about your "purity" and obedience compared to an illiterate virgin from the home village. So they will be only to happy to see the back of you.

In a few years, they will have (arranged) married him off to a more suitable cousin/bride from home, who will serve the MIL like a slave, and you will have been airbrushed out of the picture.

Sorry to be so miserabilist about this, but I know what I'm talking about.

I was that son.

11,5 years later, and the Op never came back to update...