Sorry for length of this. I need to chat with others who have had experience of divorcing an Asian partner and the stigma the Asian community can put on it. I am a mixture of Indian/British/Dutch and was raised in the UK. We have 2 ds of 5 and 6. My H is Indian and was violent and financially controlling. We mutually agreed recently to end the marriage and it also ended the violence. We are still living together until house is sold and my H will not reveal to his community that we are no longer a couple because of the scandal. For complicated reasons, neither of us is in a position to move out in order to separate.
I know (even from this topic board) that there are really lovely Asian men and I have been very unlucky. He was extremely charming for the first few years of marriage. He virtually changed overnight when we fundamentally disagreed over a cultural difference and neither would back down. The violence began after that. I am very wary of his family and community. Some of them are really decent, but even so they will never give me a fair trial when it comes to the divorce, they will be rigid and they will support him because he is powerful and they need him. I will be seen as aggressivly seeking divorce and written off as selfish, foolish and a marriage breaker. I expect to be despised by all and it is going to hurt, it already is. It would be wonderfully liberating, but completely pointless to tell anyone about the DV. But it would ruin my H's reputation and it could endanger me, my kids and my future. He would be a terrifying enemy, he would hurt me through my children somehow – his reputation means everything to him. It is my basic nightmare that I’m going to be hit by a tidal wave of guilt from family and community when the divorce is announced. I buckle easily under guilt trips. My H and his family/community have used this to their advantage – there is always some kind of emotional blackmail going on. It drains me and I want to get off the merry go round where other people control my life. He affected my mental health and I was too ill to leave for years. He really deserves to be exposed but the consequences would be hell because he's too powerful and connected. And I'm so isolated. The gossipy community makes me more isolated – I can’t trust anyone.
Im seeing a solicitor next week about divorce. He is not aware that it is so high on my agenda. I’m putting the house on the market, but signs are that it will be a slow sale. When it does sell and we split the equity, financially it is going to hit him hard to live alone so he is in NO HURRY to divorce. In the meantime he wants me to play happy families by attending forthcoming Indian functions.
This is what I need advice on - socialising until the divorce comes through and we finally make the big announcement. I can't do the "happy family in public" bit anymore. The functions are all his Indian friends and wider community and I'd rather not attend than have to go and act and avoid all the personal/status questions that new people ask after intros. The more people I meet, the more they draw me in to socialise further as a couple. I am trying to get off that circuit – sadly I’ve not found any real friends among them that I could trust with personal info anyway. I just feel like my whole life (until the day of reckoning) is just secrets and lies. I have said to H that if I attend any functions sooner or later someone's questions will drive me nuts and I will have to say we are getting divorced. He is fuming about this because he can't deal with the scandal. As long as I live with him he can make life very difficult.
Please advise. Should I play happy families and go to the functions. He is taking our sons to them without me and people are getting offended and frosty. He is laying guilt about this, saying how good these people have been to me and what a bad nature I have. This could go on for another year until the house is sold.
I’d appreciate any advice. Thanks.