Missed miscarriage - would welcome advice from those who've been through it.

[Besom]

I have just had a scan today and been told no heartbeat and no growth since scan at 6 weeks. (9 weeks now)

Am trying to decide what to do - is the pill the best thing? Could anyone who has had this talk me through it a bit?

Thanks in advance.

Hi Besom I'm sorry for your loss, I too have just miscarried my baby. I started bleeding on sunday, at nearly 9 weeks, no cramps, so I phoned NHS direct and they arranged for me to have a scan on tuesday.

Started cramping monday night so kind of accepted things weren't looking too good. Had a scan on tuesday and found out that my baby had died at 5+6.

I was offered a scrape and some swabs but I really didn't want anybody touching me down there and I hated the tought of anyone scraping my baby out. I told them that I would wait for nature to take its course.

They've booked me in for another scan in a fortnight to check everything has cleared but this evening I passed my baby whilst I was on the toilet. I scooped it out of the water and put it gently into a container.

It is the saddest thing I've ever done. Tomorrow I am going to bury my little baby as he or she has never had a chance at life so at least I feel I am doing something. It's my way of saying 'I'm sorry'.

It's up to you what you want to do, I know some people couldn't bare the thought of seeing their miscarriage, it's not for everyone, but for me and my partner, it was our baby and we want to do it this way.

I hope you are ok and my thoughts are with you xx

thebreastmilksonme thinking of you. What a hard time it is.

thebreastmilksonme - I'm so sorry. But I'm glad you've been able to do this. I would like to do that too, but equally I don't think I could bear it if it meant waiting for weeks and weeks. Having said that, I'm feeling a bit crampy at the moment, so things may be taking their natural course, who knows.

Jollster - I also had an emergency CS with dd. I didn't know there was potentially a connection? I'm nearly 39, so time is not so much on my side either.

I feel extremely lucky to have my dd. But I'm grieving for her losing a potential sibling as much as anything.

Nobody mentioned effects on future fertility to me, but I was 42 when I had the first mmc and was pregnant again in 6 months, having not been TTC all that time (I think it was the second time of actively trying). Although I lost that one as well, that second ERPC was in March and my DD was born the following March, when I was almost 44.

HTH

Besom I know exactly how you feel. In many ways I have thought how much tougher this would be if it was your first pregnancy and you had no experience of how it can go well.

But one of my biggest "issues" afer MMC1 was was the gap between DS1 and DC2 would be bigger than I hoped. Now I would settle for any age gap at all

So sorry for your loss Besom.

In my third pregnancy, I found out at my 12 week scan that there had been no growth since about 9 weeks. I was encouraged to have an ERPC the following week if nature hadn't taken its course. I found the wait awful though I also can see the reasoning behind waiting a few days to try and get your head around what has happened. I'm glad I was spared the actual bleeding if I'm honest. However, I agree with stillfrazzled. Even if you choose the ERPC, you will still have your grief to deal with.

Fertility problems weren't mentioned to me and I went on to have a dd (though it did take me six months to conceive her having conceived immediately with my first three pregnancies).

Hi Besom sorry to hear you are going through a sad time i have had 2 miscarriages, one naturally at 8 weeks and one with medical management at 13 weeks (and still ttc #1). If i am ever unlucky enough to miscarry again i would not ever choose the medical management route again, but i have not had an erpc so i cannot compare. In my opinion it was very distressing, very painful and i would not wish it on anyone. I think i was an 'unlucky' case where i bled too much and the baby got stuck they almost rushed me into surgery at one point anyway, had me on a drip and was on the verge of gving me a blood transfusion. It was the scariest and most horrible experience of my life. I dont want to scare you but this was just what happened to me.

Huge hugs xx

Dear Besom

I had an MMC? just over a year ago. Scan at 13 weeks showed that baby was alive but had a condition which could mean abnormalities and carried high risk of miscarriage. Scan two weeks later showed baby had died - probably a week earlier. Although it was a very difficult time, I was very fortunate in some ways of having had quite a lot of time to prepare myself and think through the different options. I got lots of very helpful information from the Miscarriage Association and followed my own gut feeling and in the end opted for a natural route. I had read in some of the literature that often women recover emotionally more easily if they feel able to allow things to happen naturally. I personally find medical intervention generally quite hard to cope with. I already have a little boy who is now 3 and had quite a straightforward natural birth experience. For me, the natural course was definitely the best option - I felt as though I was able to take leave of my little one gently, in a process that was not unlike giving birth. In the waiting period I was very afraid of the pain I'd been warned about, but (and I know everyone is different) I experienced severe cramping which ressembled period pain about 1 week after the scan and went through the miscarriage in my own home. In practical terms it was over in about 2 hours, followed by heavy bleeding for a couple of weeks which gradually got lighter and stopped within about 4 weeks.
My local hospital were very supportive and made it clear that I could change my mind at any time if I found it too hard to keep waiting for nature to take its course and also that I could come into the hospital if I was concerned about how things were going or needed pain relief. I did feel a little bit 'on my own' afterwards as the only medical follow up I had was a check-up about 4 weeks later, but I'm sure I could have gone to my GP or talked with the miscarriage midwife if I'd felt I needed to.
I think, for me personally, medical intervention would have felt like a violation and I couldn't bear the thought of actively ridding myself of my baby. However, if I'd had to wait for much more than I did, I don't know whether I could have held out because it was a very strange time and everything felt as though it was on hold.
All I can say is do whatever feels right for you and be gentle on yourself and take time in making your decision if you need to.

I really can't thank everybody enough for posting your personal stories. This has been such a difficult time as you all know and have been through yourselves, but it really has supported me such so much to have heard your experiences.

It has helped me come to a decision, given me hope and made me feel much less alone.

Love, luck and thanks to you all. XXX

Besom, so glad you've found support here. Thanks for the message of thanks and wishing you all the very best. I'll be thinking of you over the next few days.