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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

Anyone ever do anything to remember/memorialise pregnancy loss?

39 replies

mathanxiety · 17/08/2009 07:12

Did anyone ever do something like plant a tree, write a poem, etc., to commemorate the loss of the baby after miscarriage? Was it useful in recovering emotionally. I wrote a poem, never really shared it with anyone, but it helped process my feelings.

OP posts:

Mouette · 24/08/2009 10:32

I wrote a short story about a lady who had a mc and how she coped with the grief. It helped...

rosietoes · 26/08/2009 16:19

I should have read this post before I started new topic. I'm so glad to know you all remember too.
My MC was early (& went on for long time, from 5-10 wks) so nothing to put in a memory box. Couldn't even tell the sex.

Mouette · 26/08/2009 16:40

I'm sorry for your loss rosietoes. An american lady who runs a mc website suggests you can still choose a name for the baby if you don't know the sex, by choosing a name that would suit either a boy or a girl. That's if naming him/her would help of course. I called mine "the bluebell baby" for a while, before settling on the name Paul - because the bluebell leaves were coming out when I found out I was pregnant, and he died when the flowers were opening. Some people buy something for the baby and put it in the memory box, or write a letter to him/her. xx

rosietoes · 26/08/2009 16:55

Thanks Mouette. Sorry to hear you lost a baby, too. Virtual hug to all posters.
Feels really odd to name it. Never really grew more than 12 mm. They never even called it a foetus at hospital (yet asked if I wanted to take home any 'retained product' they might find in D&C).
I really like idea of planting flower or tree, but we're going to move. The forget-me-not charm also really nice idea.

Mouette · 26/08/2009 17:52

Thanks rosietoes. I lost him at 17 weeks because I have a weak cervix. It felt odd to name him, didn't feel right at first, even though he was a fully formed (if small) baby. But I came round to the idea. Anything to commemorate him/her really. I did refer to him as "the baby" for a long time. Even that was helpful as he wasn't just a foetus, he was my child.
I have a beautiful son now, he was born a year after the mc. I hope your wish comes true too. All the best xx

Den26 · 26/08/2009 19:12

Hi rosietoes, sorry to hear of your loss. I had a MMC in July, found out at the 12 week scan that it had stopped growing at 8.5 weeks. I bought a white rose (chose white as didn't know the sex)and potted it, you could maybe plant something in a pot that you could take with you?

Best wishes x

ZippysMum · 26/08/2009 19:21

When we lost a baby last September, we planted daffodils all over the garden. They came up in March, when dd would have been born. It was lovely. And they will come up year after year.

rosietoes · 26/08/2009 20:57

Zippysmum, love the daffs.

Thanks Den26, something in a pot great idea, but, ummm...haven't had much luck in past with pot plants. Don't want that to be a bad metaphor...

Thought of asking to plant something in ILs garden (my family don't live in UK). DH thought wasn't good idea. Ps would think I was over sentimental. After all, I 'wasn't very far along.'

ILs has still-born DD at 7 months. No one ever talks about it. Don't know what they did after that. I think DH is afraid to ask to plant something as it will force family to talk about this or to show emotion. They have difficulty with that.

Zippysmum, sorry to highjack thread!

rosietoes · 26/08/2009 20:58

oops, Zippysmum wasn't OP. Sorry mathanxiety!

rosietoes · 26/08/2009 21:20

Last post, I promise.
Just want to say thank God for MN and so glad to read all these posts. This thread helped so much. Felt I was making 'too big an issue' about MC. No one else seems bothered. Make out like I'm picking a scab.
Such great ideas on how to remember the one who was not to be.
V grateful to all you MNers!!

Mouette · 27/08/2009 10:35

No you are not making too big an issue. On the contrary you are helping yourself by commemorating the life (however brief) of your beloved baby. It is right and healthy. Good luck with everything. Perhaps you could plant something in your new house. xx

Mouette · 27/08/2009 10:36

BTW I think it's probably not that other people aren't bothered, more that they don't want to speak about it. Some people think it is better that way. In my experience, for us miscarriers, talking about it helps.

PacificDogwood · 27/08/2009 10:49

My friend lost her baby @ 20 weeks and named a star after him.

I have had 4 early MCs and personally I think of them as pregnancy losses rather that babies. That might just be kidding myself or denial or whatever, but it made it easier to see these losses as just that, losses/unfulfilled expectations, rather than bereavements.

My heart goes out to all of you. I hope you all find some peace whichever way you deal with the hand you had been dealt.

BTW, I do speak about my MCs (when the subject comes up, not incessantly ), because it is such a taboo and the sense of "failure" is just terrible. When I had mine, it was amazing how many people came out of the woodworks who had been through similar experiences.
And insensitive comments, oh well, people mean well, do not know what to say and get their foot firmly wedged in their mouth..

rosietoes · 27/08/2009 13:09

PacificDogwood, I found that too. Seems to be a code of silence.

Embarrassingly my DA forwarded my email to her about MC to other DAs, who forwarded it on. Lots of people wrote to tell me they had MC, or two.
Never knew it happened so often. GP said 1-5 PG is MCied

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