If you had a miscarriage and were convinced it was your fault, please how did you cope and can anyone please help me with what to expect?

[Flowerandtrain]

I've just found out I've lost my baby just a couple of days ahead of my 12 week scan. I've just had a private scan after some very very light pink/brown discharge and they said it was only measuring 8 +4. I did have a scan with a heartbeat where all seemed well at 9 weeks but I don't know how these things work.

I'm convinced it's something I did and completely consumed with guilt. I did manage to kick a door at around 4 weeks and worried endlessly that it could have hurt baby. The sonographer said there was no way it could have caused it but I just can't get past in my head that it must have been my fault. I have ptsd so I'm not very emotionally resilient at the best of times and no idea how I'm going to cope really. I also have no idea what to expect as I'm not bleeding yet really and I'm scared I'll have to have something done. Very worried it could mean I'd have to stop bf my 14 month DS which would just feel so awful having to stop that now on top of having just lost a baby. So sorry to sound so overwhelmed and maybe I seem over the top, but I'm just so shocked and felt like we were so close. DH is very upset but I've barely said anything to him. I feel terrible - like I caused it. I'm so shocked. I really thought they were OK. I have a bump and eveyrhing! I'm sat here wearing a pair of maternity shorts and feeling really silly and surreal. I can't imagine trying to hide this bump knowing that my baby is gone. We're meant to be going on holiday in under a couple of weeks and my in laws are coming round on Friday for us to tell them we're expecting. I feel so broken. I'm so sorry to anyone who's been through this. Hope I haven't said anything insensitive.

i Don’t know if this will help, but I was the opposite and I was very confident that I did nothing to cause it. You can’t cause a miscarriage. If you could, it would be very well known. The vast majority are chromosome issues with the embryo. I’d really suggest the Tommys website, seeing if your NHS has bereavement midwives, and if you can, get some private counselling. It’s awful and I’m so sorry. Having 1 miscarriage doesn’t make you any more likely to have another one. And please do talk to your DH, and other family and friends if you feel comfortable to, it very likely others you know have had miscarriages and speaking to them might help, it really helped me.

It wasn’t your fault.

Things I blamed my miscarriages on:

• eating an oyster
• getting norovirus
• using chemicals to clean my house because it was going up for sale
• carrying things
• being fat
• being over 35
• picking up my toddler

The actual reason for my miscarriages:

My blood clots too easily.

There is always a medical reason for miscarriage. A Medical Reason. Something outside of your control. You can follow all of the rules, all the advice, and the medical reason doesn’t care about that, because it’s outside of your control. As pp said, a large proportion of miscarriages are due to chromosomes. It’s not your fault, and kicking a door didn’t cause this xx

Firstly I am so sorry for your loss and what you are going through. I had multiple miscarriages and was told very clearly it's almost always something that happens at the moment of conception. A genetic chromosome mismatch type thing meaning baby was unable to grow to full term because it was extremely poorly or disabled.

It wasn't your fault xx

The vast majority of miscarriages happen because the embryo was never genetically viable. It never had the capability to develop. Unfortunately reproduction is just a buggy process, and it frequently goes wrong.

Absolutely nothing you did caused the miscarriage. Certainly not kicking something. That's utterly impossible.

I blamed myself terribly for my multiple baby losses.

I got miscarriage counselling, which helped massively but there was a very big wait list.

I very sorry for your loss. This is not your fault.

Very sorry to hear this. I've had 2 miscarriages myself and it is really just shit. It really, really isn't your fault at all. Nothing you could have done will have caused it. It's almost always a chromosomal fault, a medical reason for miscarriage and nothing you could have done would have prevented it. Sometimes it just isn't meant to be this time round. Focus on your DS and take some time.

See if you can see either the bereavement midwife or Tommy's or indeed counciling.

So sorry for you OP.

There are thousands and thousands of women out there that tried to end a pregnancy by doing certain things ... those babies stayed where they were if they were meant to.

My husband was shocked when his mother told him that she drank a bottle of gin and fell down the stairs to get rid of him, obviously didn't happen. He was born at 7 months and she didn't go to hospital ,,,

Thank you so much everyone for your kind replies. It really does help. I keep oscillating between thinking maybe it wasn't my fault and being certain that it was. I don't feel like I can grieve because I'm so convinced it was my own stupid selfish actions that caused my baby to die and thinking that they could still be here with us if I hadn't been so awful.

I don't know if the miscarriage is going to start naturally because I still haven't started bleeding. My head is full of worries about whether we'll ever have another baby and feeling like I don't deserve one. Thank you so much again for all your replies. I'll try to keep rereading them and convince myself somehow that I didn't cause this. At the moment I feel like I'll have to live with this guilt forever and I just want to grieve my poor little baby in peace without feeling so guilt ridden and ashamed.

Thank you. That's what my husband keeps saying - that it's impossible it could have caused it but I feel like no one can ever really know. I so want to believe it's impossible. I have ocd and worry a lot about things being my fault and often they're totally unrealistic worries but I'm just not sure if this is one of them. Thank you again for replying.

Just wanted to add that I'm so so sorry for all your losses also.

@Flowerandtrain - you said “no one can ever really know”. But they can - they know enough to know that miscarriages are NOT the woman’s fault. It is absolutely understandable that that is your first instinct - that’s your natural protective maternal instinct kicking in. It was my first reaction too - “What did I do?” was the first thing I asked the sonographer at my 12 week scan when she told us the baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks. I asked her everything - was it exercise, was it sex, was it chemicals. She, and every medical person I have spoken to since, has said there is absolutely nothing I did to cause it, or could have done differently to prevent it.

Try to think about it logically (tough at a time like this) - if kicking something, running for a bus, picking up a toddler etc increased your risk of miscarriage, it would be on every pregnancy leaflet, book, NHS or miscarriage charity website etc. It’s just not possible that kicking a door could have caused this. You can absolutely can tell yourself that for certain. It’s f*cking awful, it’s cruel, but it’s also simply just nature being messy, statistics (1 in 4 pregnancies…) and having bad luck.

One beautiful thing my husband said after my MMC, which really helped me, is that perhaps my body was just too keen to be pregnant - it held onto an embryo that never should have survived, because of a defect or chromosomal issues. And it was too good at being pregnant - it didn’t want to let go! But the baby knew it wasn’t right for it to survive, and it quietly passed away. It was loved, and my body wanted to nurture it as long as it could, but it was never meant to be. Once I spent a day or so processing the fact it had gone, I realised the kindest thing I could do for my baby, my body and myself, was to help my body along by taking the medical management. That allowed me to stop feeling angry at myself and start the grieving process.

A few months later and I’m now 7 weeks pregnant. I’m anxious as hell and have no idea how this one will go, but as the early pregnancy nurse said to me last week - I just need to take my folic acid and then live my life, as nothing I do will dictate whether this pregnancy will be successful or not.

Be kind to yourself.